Dating mid 30s - give me advice and success stories

[Lexi1234]

I’m about to turn 35, single and feeling a bit miserable about it.

I had a relationship break up earlier this year that ended due to location/ circumstances (rather than just falling out of love) and for a while I thought he was the one.

I know it didn’t work out for a reason and that I need to carry on but dating basically sucks and I’m finding it disappointing and hard.

After seeing some posts here I’ve started some therapy. I’m persevering with online dating but I do find it a bit demotivating as there seem to be a lot of people who aren’t what they seem or don’t know what they want.

I’m basically just looking for advice - OLD, how to meet people in real life, and just anyone who has been here very single at 35 and found someone at this age - without it feeling like settling for whoever will have you 🥴

Whatever positivity you have please throw it at me!

I was 31, so younger than you, but I had given up hope of meeting a decent, respectful man who wanted a long-term relationship & commitment. I was introduced to my now husband by mutual friends on a blind date. Still together, nearly 40 years later. Do you have any friends who could introduce you to a man who isn't likely to mess you about. I accept that no one can know for sure another's intention. Best wishes. 💐

My wife had been married in her 20s, divorced at 30 and was finding it harder to meet people, but then met me at 32 and we've been together for 12 years now. We met online, but not on an Online Dating site. We were both involved with a website talking about topics relating to relationships and dating (not Mumsnet though!) and after several months I asked if she would like to try going on a date with me just to see whether we might click. So there are other options out there apart from just real life and "proper" OLD! Wishing you all the best.

Date for the sake of finding nice company.
I wouldn't ruin the next decade worrying about marriage and kids and all that jazz. If it happens it happens. I'd much rather content myself with meeting someone kind who I adore and vice versa. Whatever will be will be but just don't start dating trash people out of frustration at being single or fear of what ifs/what if nots.

I was 34 when I met DH on OLD. It’s bloody hard because OLD is generally a cesspit. If you want a baby, would you consider going it alone? I was 41 when I had DS and imvho that is too old. —I’m knackered—

It’s so hard! When I’ve been single in the past I’ve always been okay with being happy alone but having been in a relationship with someone where (tbh for the first time) it was serious and I saw a future together, I am finding it really hard to go back to just being on my own again.

it is a sensible point to make to be seeking good company though, I think I look for a spark as that’s what I’ve done before and to be honest it’s usually got me in trouble!

Nothing wrong with spark hunting!

Gotta be aware of how to spot narcissists and the like though as often they are the masters of 'instant chemistry'.

But no need to date people you don't fancy the pants off of imo. Just so long as they are also nice people.

Met my man at 33, in a nightclub! Totally not a clubbing person, neither s my OH. I'd been out to a salsa lesson earlier in the evening and he had finished work late and both of us were convinced but friends to go out that night. Thank god we did!
Had first child at 35 and second at 37.
In my case it was right place at right time. And honestly I think me and OH were meant to be.
Meeting the old fashioned way is better imo than meeting on apps but appreciate its hard to do these days.

Used OLD and met my DP at 36, both wanted kids and had two with 2nd born just before my 40th. I had worked and lived in same place for a while so had met a lot of colleagues, friends and friends of friends so I didn't have much hope of any other method to meet anyone though I did find OLD a bit stressful and hated long online chats - I would recommend go to meeting up quite quickly to see if spark in person.

I was very single at 34 and not at all looking for someone.
I met my now partner through a mutual friend and there was certainly no spark, we just became good friends.
Seemingly the spark grew though because 5 years later I'm sat here nursing our 4 month old whilst I type this. I'm now baffled as to why I didn't fancy him at first.
No settling, he is without any shadow of a doubt one of the best men I know, well worth the wait.
(I realise I'm not offering any advice with that, but you did also ask for positivity!)

Things that helped me was to realise that at 35 you are not in a great position. You can’t have a long list of demands and you do need to lower your expectations. Eg consider divorcees, men with kids, less exciting men who are otherwise nice.

This advice is fair enough, but OP should know that it’s perfectly fine to not lower standards and to steer away from baggage if you accept that this may mean being single for longer.

My advice would be to keep standards high whatever that means to you but pick up the pace. Several dates a month and take breaks if needed.

This may be unpopular and no offence meant but if you want kids and don't have them of your own then I personally wouldn't date men with children now. Too many potential complications at a period in your life when you need to not be wasting time. If you were 28, fine. 48, fine. Mid 30s, I personally wouldn't unless you know them already. If someone comes across as great for you and you're fine with it in principle then not saying write off everyone but certainly I'd use it as a filter on any maybes.

Paid dating sites are good. No long chats. Meet quickly. Keep expectations and engagement low to start.

I don’t disagree with you, my point is that it is perfectly fine not to lower your standards and settle which more and more women are opting for. I think you’re overlooking the state of the pool of men over 35. They are not all ‘perfectly fine’ men who have their pick of twentysomethings but who just happen to find themselves single at 35 through bad luck - far from it.

This is very good advice.

She has the right to reject men for any reason.

I don’t think 15 years of not being married and an ex-wife & children are equal ‘baggage’.

Honestly it’s a tough age mentally to be single
as I’m assuming that you want kids which is a stressful deadline

As if it wasn’t for wanting kids , you could easily
focus on your own life and hobbies and stay fairly happily single until someone decent Comes along

And also don’t drop standards and assume that your not a catch as you are 35 !

If I was your age I’d also look to date elder men who might be more ready to settle down

A man being divorced or having kids is pretty straightforward to deal with.

Right…

I have never heard anyone referring to a 35 year-old single man or woman who has never been married and has no children as necessarily coming with ‘baggage’.

There’s nothing wrong with not rejecting divorced men with children - everyone has different baggage tolerance, but a 35 year-old women has every right not to go down that route if she doesn’t want to. As I said, this is becoming the norm, with more and more women remaining single for longer because they don’t want to lower their standards.

What you consider ‘trivial’ may not be trivial at all to someone else.

I can’t think of anything less trivial than if a man has an ex-wife and children - it’s a complete non-starter for me and every single woman I know.

You appear to have a problem with some women having standards which may be different from yours, which is the more ridiculous attitude.

Not single or miserable here, thank you. And what is honest about claiming that a man having children is trivial? It isn't and shouldn't be. It can go smoothly but is far from guaranteed to.

I did OLD and met a couple of exes that way, both over 3 years relationships.

Then at 33 out of almost no where I fell for a guy at work who declared his love for me, we had our DS when I was 37 and got married at 39.

It unlikely we will have a second child but other than that as I would have loved 2 I couldn't me more grateful I had to wait so long for the right guy.