Dating mid 30s - give me advice and success stories

[Lexi1234]

I’m about to turn 35, single and feeling a bit miserable about it.

I had a relationship break up earlier this year that ended due to location/ circumstances (rather than just falling out of love) and for a while I thought he was the one.

I know it didn’t work out for a reason and that I need to carry on but dating basically sucks and I’m finding it disappointing and hard.

After seeing some posts here I’ve started some therapy. I’m persevering with online dating but I do find it a bit demotivating as there seem to be a lot of people who aren’t what they seem or don’t know what they want.

I’m basically just looking for advice - OLD, how to meet people in real life, and just anyone who has been here very single at 35 and found someone at this age - without it feeling like settling for whoever will have you 🥴

Whatever positivity you have please throw it at me!

I changed my mindset from looking for someone to have children with, to looking for a partner. It made it a lot more enjoyable and more date offers have come in. Remember it is by and large the woman who does the choosing. Some men will try and make you think it isn't...but it is. So don't settle for below par behaviour. And set your bar to the highest level. If you want a long term partner, don't entertain anyone who isn't able to articulate that that is what they want (nor necessarily with you, I mean generally). Treat anyone who is looking for a long term partner a little cautiously until proven otherwise, as in don't get caught up in your emotions. Treat them all a little like a friend you are trying to impress at first. Learn to read the dating profile. Often serious people won't reveal their career to avoid money diggers. Anything that sounds like they may still be playing the field probably is. This will dramatically reduce the pool by about 4/5ths but still lots of people out there who could be 'the one'. Mix up singles cocktails nights with OLD. Also join activities where you could meet someone. Like sport? Join a club for that sport etc. If nothing else you will make friends.

My key bit of advice is don't let anyone waste your time, and don't waste theirs.

A few messages , coffee, there does need to be attraction, but don't fall for the huge roller coaster thing, there should be a steadiness to your interactions, think more 'slow burn' love. Do talk about goals and values early on, don't be afraid to set out your standards. Find someone you find interesting. Be receptive to guys who show genuine interest, they may not be the one but you learn something about yourself in the process. Generally try to avoid too much flirting over text on the beginning as it can be misconstrued.

More excellent advice.

I’m loving this thread. 😊

I also did stages - a stage of just looking for casual fun (success), a stage of just aiming to go on a few dates (that didn't work as they were all actually looking for casual fun), a stage of being open to long term (again didn't work as I attracted the casual fun ones), now I am intentional long term and I am confident this is what I want (not confident I will be successful at it yet).

Such a lovely post and really great advice, thank you.

@Rollup2024 how are you approaching intentional long term? Are you doing OLD? How are you screening for men also looking for long term?

After reading this I’ve realised I’m definitely more ‘open to longterm’ rather than intentional longterm (only recently came out of a LTR), so I should watch out for inadvertently attracting the casual guys.

You should be a dating guru 😎

@Lexi1234 if you're still in love with your ex (and he's with you and wants to commit to marriage and kids) do truly consider whether making it work is really off the table?

Dating at 35 is hard and I would think hard before letting a good man go. Don't make a decision you may regret later down the line.

It’s really awkward when you match with someone who seems okay and you know you need to move quickly to meeting in person so you don’t waste your time but you’re both busy for the next two weekends 🤦‍♀️

Hard not to come across as flakey and drive them away altogether!

try dating younger men :)

I left a very unhappy long term relationship when I was 35, relocated to get away from him and ended up moving back in with my parents for a bit. I felt like a huge failure.

Went to therapy to look at why I was choosing inappropriate partners and it was the best money I've ever spent.

I met my now husband OLD very soon after this, I've just turned 38 and we had a baby not long ago. I couldn't be happier, he's my perfect match.

If you'd have told me how my life would pan out 3 years ago I'd have laughed at you!

My advice would be trust your intuition when it comes to dating - people tell you who they are very quickly so listen to them.

Good luck OP - go get the lovely partner you deserve! X

It's knackering no matter what age you are.

Fully agree. You don’t start your negotiation with ‘well, I’m not in a great position’

Most women I know look way better and have much more to offer 30+ than they did at a younger age. So unless you’ve fallen off a cliff on your 30th birthday I’d assume that you’re in a better position.

What’s wrong with divorcees and men with kids tho? Dating them is completely age appropriate. Someone single and without ever having had a serious relationship aged 35-40 should be more of a concern than someone who has.

Have you tried some of the new sporting singles events/activities such as running club or padel or any other fitness based activities (outside of a workout in a gym)? Do you have any hobbies eg choir? Do you have a dog that can help you meet other dog owners? Any exhibition opening nights or lates?

Another idea is something I have seen on Instagram (used as a dating show to promote a product) is a gay wingman approaching men to ask if they were single and interested in exchanging number- not sure it is for the faint of heart but just an idea!

Divorced at 30, two awful rebound relationships which drove me crazy, now happily remarried to someone I’ve been with since I was 33 (38 now). And fwiw, despite how awful some of that stuff was, I wouldn’t change it if it meant not being with who I’m with now, so know that your current situation is part of moving towards something wonderful, but you won’t know it until you’re there. I wish I’d known about Erika Ettin back when single - she gives online dating advice and it would have saved me so much stupid stuff with the apps. I follow her ig just cos it’s interesting but it seems really wise advice.

I think aside from the points made about building your own life as you want it and seeking good company, which I ageee with, also be open to going outside your type, if you have one. Just get to know people as themselves, rather than assessing them against an initial checklist, if that makes sense. Good luck out there!

I don’t date men with kids. Both me and my partner don’t have kids but if we do have a child together - it will be the first for both and I love that for us!

Being a stepmom has complications, just read some of the threads on here, blended families aren’t always as great as the movies make out. They’re often fraught with very specific difficulties and conflict. Bio families aren’t Perfect either but step-families adds another level of drama! I see that in real life too not just MN.

Relationships are hard enough without dealing with someone’s ex/previous children and having to share resources with another household. Or having siblings grow up in different houses, assuming his kids don’t love with you full time.

There was a thread on here at Christmas, a woman said her partner of 3 years was spending the entire day and evening on tne 25th with his ex wife and children. He blew her off at the last minute. And of course she wasn’t invited. That’s just one example, but there’s many more.

If you don’t have kids and they do, you’ll be prioritising them while - if they’re a decent father - they’ll be prioritising their kids. It makes for a very imbalanced relationship and is often the cause of resentment.

Practically speaking, a man may have a large part of household money going out for maintenance (as he should) but this then affects your household spending. Especially if you believe in shared finances/joint accounts.

Or their kids may hate you and that will cause issues, or there could be conflict if they need to visit their first set of kids when you want them to be around for you/your kids. The list goes on.

Re. Divorcees, I did date two divorcees (no kids) and it wasn’t a great experience. One was still angry at his ex from years ago and the other was still hung up on her. It felt weird. This can happen with men who haven’t been married before as well, but I think there’s a higher chance when they’ve been married as it’s such a significant relationship.

And I just like the idea of walking down an aisle once with a guy who hasn’t been down the aisle with anyone else.

Also 2nd marriages have a higher rate of divorce.

I think most women who have no kids and haven’t been married would prefer a man who is in the same situation and that’s perfectly understandable. And indeed some people with kids only want to date people with kids!

@Lexi1234 how are you feeling about it all now?

I know plenty of women who have met wonderful men in their mid-late 30s. It’s not easy but then a lot of women find it hard at any age.

Even the ones who think they found their Prince Charming at 25 often later realise he was more of a frog by the time they’re in their 30s/40s.

Consider dating men in the early 30s too. I found there was often no real difference in maturity between a 32 year old and a 37 year old men, and younger men had the benefit of being less likely to come with kids/ex wife etc. By being open to younger man you increase your dating pool!

I get your point but do you know many men aged 35+ that have always been single/ no kids, and are marriage material?

I know a couple but really not many, and even the ones I know have been in an LTR 10+ years so married all but on paper.

They're out there. I found a lot of work focussed, quite geeky professionals had started coming out of their shells in their early 30s, had a few years of looking and were serious about settling down by this point. I met some really interesting men this way and am still good friends with a small number. Not so much Jack the Lads but that's not really my type anyway.

@Lexi1234 Just to offer a different angle on this- is it an issue to be single? I've always been single. From listening to people who are on the other side of the fence, in relationships, it sounds like there are pros and cons to being single vs being in a relationship, with neither being better than the other. So if I remain single forever (which is more likely than not), I don't think I will be too bothered about it.