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Original poster

I think my partner is depressed?

32 replies

Soggybaps · 13/11/2023 06:51

Hi all.
this is a long one - but will try to keep it as short as I can with as much info as poss!

I have been with my partner for nearly 10 years. We are engaged and have a primary age child together.

we went out with friends at the weekend (both separately and then the groups met up later in the night) when we got home, DP and I were having a bit of a drunken heart to heart and I honestly think that he may be depressed.

he said he has an inferiority complex and has had this throughout our relationship (this is the first I’ve heard of it!) and he is paranoid I am one day going to pack my bags and leave him. If I reject sex he takes it personally and thinks it’s because I don’t fancy him anymore or he isn’t good enough in bed, or I just want to have sex with someone else.

he has no motivation with our son and never wants to play with him , he just wants him to play on his own all the time (this upset me the most). He said he neglects me but also I never asked him last week how his day at work was and he had a shit week…

I asked him if he was depressed and he shut it down straight away.

he says I have been distant lately and it’s making him paranoid and he just wants some affection to feel wanted and loved. I don’t think I’ve been distant at all but I don’t offer our affection as this tends to always mean he tries sex and I just don’t want the pressure of it because saying no is just not worth the fall out.

I told him I’ve not behaved any differently regarding being distant (honestly I have been exactly the same towards him so I’m confused by his comment). I did apologise anyway and said that I’m not going to leave him etc.

but now I feel this immense pressure to be constantly reassuring him , have sex with him and be extra nice just to almost make him feel validated? I feel like it’s not genuine because in the back of my mind I’m doing all this to keep him happy.

I honestly think he’s a bit depressed but he doesn’t “believe” in mental health and has always struggled with me having time off work due to stress and burnout in the past.

I don’t know what to do to try and help but I do know now he’s opened up about this that I can’t live my life constantly trying to keep him happy.

anyone else going through this with a partner? How have you supported and helped them?

sorry for rambling on I just feel like my head is spinning!

OP posts:
Original poster
Soggybaps · 13/11/2023 06:55

Sorry I’ve just read my
message back and the end part about spending my life trying to keep him happy - of course I want to make him happy but what I mean is I don’t want to be spending time thinking “if i do this will it upset him? Will it make him think X or Y?” Sort of thing. I don’t want to be second guessing every decision or action within my relationship with him in case it makes him feel rubbish…. I don’t know if that makes sense at all either!

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 13/11/2023 07:00

So he’s put it all on you. Sounds to me like he’s controlling, whining and lazy rather than depressed TBH, but if he’s interested and wants to make the change there’s an online depression questionnaire.

category12 · 13/11/2023 07:02

Well, he's basically put all his emotional garbage out there and told you it's your problem to deal with, rather than things he needs to work on.

It's not your job to do his emotional labour for him. While as partners it's right to be supportive and reassuring, it's also on the other person to do their best to manage their own shit.

I think you need to talk to him about the pressure it's putting you under and that he needs to engage with a counsellor or therapist to address his issues. He should want to so he can be happier in himself.

If he's not prepared to try to make changes for himself, he's basically manipulating you to do what he wants instead. Which is nothing to sympathise with, it's shit behaviour.

He needs to take ownership.

FloweryWowery · 13/11/2023 07:07

He isn't seeing you as a separate person with your own wants and needs - you're just there to validate him. He's also manipulating you in to having sex when you don't want to. He doesn't support you when you need it. And now you're running around desperate to fix him. He's an adult and responsible for himself. You're supposed to be his partner not his mother.

Original poster
Soggybaps · 13/11/2023 07:15

Yes you’ve all just articulated how I feel - I’m not his mother and it’s not MY job to fix his emotional baggage.

I’m also really shocked he feels this way and has done for all of our relationship… a decade is a long time to feel like this and not say a word!!!!

I will of course support him and am happy to reassure him but I don’t want to be spending the rest of my life having to reassure him that I’m not going to leave…. It’s exhausting.

OP posts:
Ideaspleasehelp · 13/11/2023 07:16

I was going to post this morning about my husband of 30 years but really don’t see the point anymore . What I will say to you is sort it now and don’t be in the position of pussyfooting around him in 30 years .

Original poster
Soggybaps · 13/11/2023 07:38

@Ideaspleasehelp sending hugs to you x

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 13/11/2023 08:01

but now I feel this immense pressure to be constantly reassuring him , have sex with him and be extra nice just to almost make him feel validated

If he had a broken leg, would you feel immense pressure to heal it for him?

He's an adult. It's not for you to decide for him that he has depression, or that he needs help. He knows you're there for him, and the most you can do is ask him if he's considered that he might have depression, and tell him you'll be supportive, and help him find a professional to help him if he wants you to.

As things stand, you need to look at things from your own point of view, without guessing at why your partner is treating you in a way that makes you feel horribly uncomfortable: the fact is, your partner is treating you in a way that makes you feel horribly uncomfortable. Talk to him about that. Tell him that what he said the other day makes you feel like there's pressure on you to have sex with him etc. Tell him what you've told us.

If he's unwilling to 'accept' mental health issues, then he needs to be dealt with as someone who doesn't have them, and if that doesn't work, then he's not for you.

he says I have been distant lately

'What he says' isn't 'fact'. It's his opinion. If you don't think you've been any different, then his perception has changed, and that's nothing to do with you. It sounds like he feels crap and he wants to make you responsible. That's not very healthy. He's an adult, and he needs to look after his own feelings. If you don't make him feel good, he needs to go somewhere else. If you don't feel good, you need to go somewhere else. Obviously there needs to be some communication, but if the communication doesn't work, then you don't have a relationship; you have one person running another person's life, for their own advantage.

whiteshutters · 13/11/2023 08:20

I'm going to be the first to say it ( yes there's always one) but this is exactly what my EX H was like when he was having an affair and afterwards and just before he left. I didn't ask about his day, he didn't feel validated, I didn't say thanks to him, he wasn't depressed , he was " just an angry man" blah blah. I tried everything - if you indulge them and take it all on board they seem to get worse. Each day is a nightmare wondering what you are going to face that day. You could turn yourself inside out and it won't help as they are the problem.

user1471886287 · 13/11/2023 11:11

My husband is going through the exact same OP (he is 40), its been 4 months of hell. He is cold, hates me, no affection, irritable, drinks too much... (I've done nothing) but he doesnt want to talk about it or seek help just to be left alone to clear his head. I'm shattered and doing everything I can. But now Im been told Im like his mother and that he is unhappy (and has been for ages) but wont leave (I have said to him he can go). I love him so much but the man in my home now is not the man I married. I feel for you! its awful. I hope we turn a corner and it gets better. Sending hugs

Original poster
Soggybaps · 13/11/2023 12:57

@user1471886287 sorry to hear you’re also having a tough time. Hopefully we come through the other side in one piece 💐 x

OP posts:
Original poster
Soggybaps · 16/11/2023 14:39

He has admitted that he has no motivation towards our child , doesn’t want to play with him and just wants to be left alone when he gets home from work. This has upset me the most out of everything. I feel like I’ve been kicked in the stomach….

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 16/11/2023 14:44

He's fucking dreadful, just admit it. The only thing he's right about is that you should leave him. He's useless and a shit father.

Original poster
Soggybaps · 16/11/2023 14:51

@Aquamarine1029 this is very out of character for him though. In the years we have been together he has never once mentioned any of this and it’s like a switch has flipped. He used to exercise and look after himself, be fun, spend lots of time with our child.

I suppose I am wondering if he’s having some sort of mental health crisis but whenever I mention this he shuts it down. I don’t really know how I can support him or even if I want to right now. I feel very sad for our child as he has done nothing wrong and loves his daddy.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 16/11/2023 14:56

I don’t really know how I can support him

Does he want you to support him?

Original poster
Soggybaps · 16/11/2023 14:59

@Watchkeys well he doesn’t think he’s depressed apparently so probably not!

I just feel sad and lost. these admissions have come as a massive shock to me as he’s never once indicated he has these feelings 😩

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 16/11/2023 15:00

this is very out of character for him though. In the years we have been together he has never once mentioned any of this and it’s like a switch has flipped.

Could he be having an affair? The Script definitely comes to mind.

category12 · 16/11/2023 15:01

Soggybaps · 16/11/2023 14:51

@Aquamarine1029 this is very out of character for him though. In the years we have been together he has never once mentioned any of this and it’s like a switch has flipped. He used to exercise and look after himself, be fun, spend lots of time with our child.

I suppose I am wondering if he’s having some sort of mental health crisis but whenever I mention this he shuts it down. I don’t really know how I can support him or even if I want to right now. I feel very sad for our child as he has done nothing wrong and loves his daddy.

When you say he shuts you down when you try to talk to him about it, how does this manifest?

I think you need to press on regardless and maybe say it's getting to the point where it's a threat to your marriage, because you don't want your child to grow up in this environment, and that he needs to go to therapy or the doctor.

Shivermetimbersmearty · 16/11/2023 15:03

user1471886287 · 13/11/2023 11:11

My husband is going through the exact same OP (he is 40), its been 4 months of hell. He is cold, hates me, no affection, irritable, drinks too much... (I've done nothing) but he doesnt want to talk about it or seek help just to be left alone to clear his head. I'm shattered and doing everything I can. But now Im been told Im like his mother and that he is unhappy (and has been for ages) but wont leave (I have said to him he can go). I love him so much but the man in my home now is not the man I married. I feel for you! its awful. I hope we turn a corner and it gets better. Sending hugs

I don’t want to give you more to worry about, but have you considered he is contemplating an affair/ has someone he has his eye on?

my ex behaved exactly like this when he embarked on an emotional affair with a colleague ( he wanted more, but I stopped it)

Its part of the routine to justify it to themselves

SpamFritterSandwich · 16/11/2023 15:04

Be very careful with your support. My DH had depression last year and I encouraged him to go out with friends and holiday with his Dad and friends, did all the crappy jobs at home so he could do more of what he enjoys (cooking). At the end of 9 months of that we saw a counselor and I was chastised for telling him what to do....
Wish heavily I hadn't bothered.

Watchkeys · 16/11/2023 15:05

It is sad, @Soggybaps But you have to do what's right for you. You may be able to put up with this for 6 days, 6 weeks, 6 months, or 6 years, but it's up to you to decide where your limit is. He doesn't communicate, he doesn't want to spend time with your child, he tries to make you responsible for his own behaviour... How long would you actually want to put up with this for?

Original poster
Soggybaps · 16/11/2023 15:07

@category12 so he just says he isnt depressed , he has never been one to “believe” mental health (he struggles to understand it and has struggled to understand my post partum depression years ago).

he always says he can’t be depressed and he only has “one mood” all the time.

to him these feelings of inferiority have been throughout his life but he’s suddenly projecting them onto me (I feel that way anyway) and like it’s MY fault he feels this way because I don’t want to have sex as much as he does or whatever.

the things he is saying about me and the relationship aren’t as hurtful or upsetting to me as the comments he is making about the relationship with his child though. That is heartbreaking to me and I am going to address it again tonight as he hasn’t spoken a word of it since the weekend and I’ve been waiting to see if he will bring it up but seems he is burying his head in the sand.

OP posts:
Original poster
Soggybaps · 16/11/2023 15:09

@SpamFritterSandwich i don’t really know what support I could offer to be honest. What I’m taking away from what he has said to me is “you don’t give me enough sex or attention” and I don’t want to spend my life constantly forcing myself to have sex with him when he does nothing to make me want to have sex with him (if that makes sense)

OP posts:
Poppy128xx · 16/11/2023 15:10

I guess I look at this differently to other posters on here, but it is very difficult to determine just by reading a tiny summary snippet of your lives.

What you describe is how my brother was feeling in his marriage. He was crying out to be noticed by his wife, even the smallest bit of affection to know she cared and she appreciated him. You say you don't give affection and don't want sex...is this not what a marriage entails though??? Why don't you want to have sex wit him? Maybe this is what could have caused his insecurities with sex if he doesn't feel wanted.

What I've learned from men over the years is they need to feel appreciated & wanted in our lives, just as women have needs as well from a relationship.

category12 · 16/11/2023 15:19

Poppy128xx · 16/11/2023 15:10

I guess I look at this differently to other posters on here, but it is very difficult to determine just by reading a tiny summary snippet of your lives.

What you describe is how my brother was feeling in his marriage. He was crying out to be noticed by his wife, even the smallest bit of affection to know she cared and she appreciated him. You say you don't give affection and don't want sex...is this not what a marriage entails though??? Why don't you want to have sex wit him? Maybe this is what could have caused his insecurities with sex if he doesn't feel wanted.

What I've learned from men over the years is they need to feel appreciated & wanted in our lives, just as women have needs as well from a relationship.

I don't think OP's marriage is sexless, just less sex than he would like and they've come to a point where she avoids showing physical affection because he then pushes for sex. Obviously it's not great to end up in that place, but the answer isn't OP having sex whenever he wants even if she doesn't want it.

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