I think my partner is depressed?

[Soggybaps]

Hi all.
this is a long one - but will try to keep it as short as I can with as much info as poss!

I have been with my partner for nearly 10 years. We are engaged and have a primary age child together.

we went out with friends at the weekend (both separately and then the groups met up later in the night) when we got home, DP and I were having a bit of a drunken heart to heart and I honestly think that he may be depressed.

he said he has an inferiority complex and has had this throughout our relationship (this is the first I’ve heard of it!) and he is paranoid I am one day going to pack my bags and leave him. If I reject sex he takes it personally and thinks it’s because I don’t fancy him anymore or he isn’t good enough in bed, or I just want to have sex with someone else.

he has no motivation with our son and never wants to play with him , he just wants him to play on his own all the time (this upset me the most). He said he neglects me but also I never asked him last week how his day at work was and he had a shit week…

I asked him if he was depressed and he shut it down straight away.

he says I have been distant lately and it’s making him paranoid and he just wants some affection to feel wanted and loved. I don’t think I’ve been distant at all but I don’t offer our affection as this tends to always mean he tries sex and I just don’t want the pressure of it because saying no is just not worth the fall out.

I told him I’ve not behaved any differently regarding being distant (honestly I have been exactly the same towards him so I’m confused by his comment). I did apologise anyway and said that I’m not going to leave him etc.

but now I feel this immense pressure to be constantly reassuring him , have sex with him and be extra nice just to almost make him feel validated? I feel like it’s not genuine because in the back of my mind I’m doing all this to keep him happy.

I honestly think he’s a bit depressed but he doesn’t “believe” in mental health and has always struggled with me having time off work due to stress and burnout in the past.

I don’t know what to do to try and help but I do know now he’s opened up about this that I can’t live my life constantly trying to keep him happy.

anyone else going through this with a partner? How have you supported and helped them?

sorry for rambling on I just feel like my head is spinning!

This is my take, too. It wasn't clear to me from reading the OP why she doesn't want to have sex with him, it just seemed to be presented as a given. It sounds (from the later post) like they have different ideas about what sex means to them, how it should be initiated, and so on. It sounds like this is an important emotional need for him, however clumsily expressed, which he feels is being dismissed.

Think about why he has focused on his relationship with his son?

He knows this is a perfect way to ensure you are manipulated into fawning all over him (DH) all the time.

Honestly, you need therapy to help you through this as you are in a precarious situation and he either is depressed and needs help or he is a very sophisticated manipulator either way you can’t live the rest of your life taking on the responsibility for his happiness.

You need to be able to express how he makes you feel too.

I would find sex with a man I think is manipulating me awful ask yourself how you really feel about all this and this is what therapy will help you with. You should not have sex if you don’t want to.

im surprised you passed this by in the conversation without discussing it properly, I think you need to have a good honest discussion about this.

I feel like you, and while my DH does spend time with our DD as we share childcare because of our working pattern, his ‘default’ mode is to let her do her own thing, while he does his own thing, he never seems to play or engage with her for more than a few minutes & it’s starting to make me feel quite sad for her, but it also wears me down a little as the less he does the more she seeks interaction from me, then when DH tries to do something with her (Or I ask him to) she rejects him in favour of coming to find me, it’s getting the point where I’m starting to resent him for doing whatever he wants whenever he wants while I’m pretty much only doing childcare or working.

your DH is one step up from that though, because he is actively complaining that you’re not giving him the attention he craves, while his is ignoring your son who craves his attention, how can he be okay with one and unhappy with the other and be oblivious to it? I couldn’t tolerate him moaning to me about one without hashing out the other.

@sandyhappypeople when he first mentioned it it was after a night out - we had both had a drink and I didn’t think it would be a conductive discussion with us both having had a drink.

I’ve been waiting this week to see if he will bring it up of his own accord but he hasn’t so will be bringing it up later on.

You say you don't give affection and don't want sex...is this not what a marriage entails though

No. They are happy side effects of a healthy marriage, not tick boxes to be checked in order to create a healthy marriage. A healthy marriage means a bond that is mutually satisfactory, in whichever way the couple see fit. It's not 'giving affection and having sex because marriages obliges you to'.

Sounds to me like he is manipulating you so you give him more sex. Bringing your child into it just tugs on your emotions even more.
Have more sex, he will be a better daddy sort of thing.

He used to exercise and look after himself, be fun, spend lots of time with our child.

its so hard
my sons like this but as I’m his mum I care more , don’t take it personally but also he’s a child !

nothing harder than someone with mh issues who won’t face it and try and address it

but I think taking you out of it and maybe being a bit more clinical might help (and it’s so hard as his SO)

we all know the drill for mental health
we address it
we do the shit that helps
and we get help