As a child, did you have an anxious, stressed out or angry mum?

[Muminthewest]

What was her behaviour and how did this affect you?
Was there a turning point when things got better and if so, what brought about the change, and what age were you when the change took place?
How is your relationship with your mum now?

I am worried I am this mum, I’m triggered all the time.
My children won’t be able to articulate the effect my stress might be having on them. I want to know I can turn things around and see how others have done this. I also want to know it’s not too late. My children are 8 and 5.

My Dad worked long hours when I was young and left everything, absolutely everything to my DM. She was a career women, incredibly intelligent and sociable. I'm not sure she wanted children but it was expected of her.
She was stressed with us quite a lot of the time when we were small. I think she was probably depressed and felt like she was sacrificing her life to have us. And when we were older she put a lot of pressure on us to thrive academically. Having said that, she relaxed as we got older. I guess she just wasn't keen on kids and those early years.
We have a very close relationship now.

Same here. I've been trying to shake it off for years but not been successful yet.

Oh yes. To this date my mum is utterly unaware of how bad she was and how terrified I was of her.

Anything would set her off. There was no logic to it. She spent most of my childhood screaming and telling me what I did wrong and to be afraid of everything.

She did change in adulthood as she realised I'd scream back at her and tell her where to go. But she still retained the anxiety of me going anywhere including a holiday abroad to a safe country. She would go mental about nothing worrying about non existent threats.

You know you have a problem so that's half of it but tbh I feel sorry for your children.

I very much recognise what you say about walking on eggshells. We did the same and it severely damaged my relationship with my mother which tbh is not great at all even now and is primarily driven by my sense of obligation around her... particularly hard at the moment because she is ill and getting older. She became alot better when she started getting (and taking) medication for her depression, but that did not happen until i was in my 20s. She always refused medication beforehand sadly- if you have a medical problem then it is fair enough to take medication! But she had shame over it I guess.

I would go see your GP but also review what it is about your life that is contributing to your stress. Is there anything you can realistically change? The fact you are conscious of it though is the best first step there is.

Yea and there's been no turn around. She's in her late 80's now and I have one phone call with her a week.

My DM was angry. She used to absolutely get a red mist come down and beat us. She terrified me when I was a small child. Lovely, loving mum the rest of the time, devoted to us. Until she snapped.

Honestly what made her better was my dad dying. Not really helpful, I know. He was a high earner but also complete workaholic and also treated her like a servant, and compared her and us unfavourably to his work colleagues’ wives and families. Things were just much less fraught once he’d gone, though obviously we all grieved at the time.

He also left us very comfortably off (good 1980s life insurance and pension), so she had no money worries and could do things she’d always wanted to do (she loves travelling).

Following

Very and insane mood swings to boot. I suspect she is bipolar or borderline PD but has spent the last 20 years running from therapist to therapist until they disagree with her, so no diagnosis.
It has affected me deeply and I don’t have much contact with her. Someone mentioned their mum never apologising, this was also my mum.
What affected me most was that there was no stability in my life and it also seemed like she saw me as just an extension of herself, not my own person at all and I feel that’s still the case. I have had therapy but it just only just touched the sides.
i have had bad self esteem when I was younger, this has much improved now but I had a lot of very bad relationships because I just didn’t feel worthy of a decent relationship I think.
It also hurts to see other women have a relationship with their mum and doing things together, I will never have that. Our relationship has always been extremely difficult.
Having my own son has only made this worse. It brought back all the bad feelings for me. When I reached out to her after his birth with voice messages she told me I should turn off the tv in the background (I was watching the news) and that a young baby didn’t need this. Already telling me how to raise my son basically which she has no right to do. Sorry for the long vent.
Unlike you, my mum had no self awareness so I truly don’t think that you will deeply damage your kids. But you can work on your stressors and how you react to them so acknowledging that you feel stressed is a first step for that.

My mum was like this, it has left me with terrible anxiety. We never knew what mood she would be in, could never have people visit the house. It is only recently, with a lot of reflection and supportive DH I have come realise that I don’t have to be the same and the cycle can be broken.

My mum had what I firmly believe was pre menstrual psychosis. She did some crazy and downright dangerous things during those times, one almost put my life at risk. She took overdoses which I knew about, was arguing with my dad almost constantly, it was hell.

Has it impacted my adult life, yes. Have I held it against her in my adult life, no. Obviously at times I feel quite angry about it but I do believe that had it been now, and the emphasis on mental health she would have probably got the help she needed. But back in the 80’s my family hid it from the outside world as much as possible. I’ve struggled with relationships, my ex was moody and I struggled with that as I felt constantly on edge, like he was going to kick off and I’d be back there in my parents house terrified as a young child. So I’ve spent most of my adult life as a single parent. I overcompensate for my own kids and I make sacrifices to ensure they don’t ever live like that.

My son said a while back his girlfriend was surprised he had never seen his mum drunk or so something silly ever and I felt both glad and sad about that at the same time. I probably should have had some therapy over the years and maybe I will. Don’t ever willingly put your children in that situation, as it won’t just impact their childhood but their entire lives and that of next generation sometimes.

My mum had what I now realise was PMDD followed by the menopause from hell. She could be lovely until the red mist descended and I spent quite a bit of time walking on eggshells. She always apologised after she’d lost her shit though, and we’ve talked about it quite a bit in the last few years. I don’t bear her any ill will, as she was doing her best in a difficult situation.

Unfortunately I had severe PND and then PMS and repeated the same patterns, although I never smacked my children. It took me far too long to realise that I needed help and by the time I did, I think some damage was done. My kids are adults now and we have a great relationship, but they will sometimes mention things about their childhood that make me feel horrendously guilty.

Sadly my DD seems to have inherited the PMDD and she’s decided she’s not having children. I guess I’m glad that another generation won’t bear the brunt of it, but I’m sad too.

My mum was like this pretty much all the time. She had what I now suspect to be ptsd after a really awful birth with me and I don't think she 'bonded' or had a secure attachment to me because of what happened and how it was dealt with in those days. She was very private about her mental health and eventually went on antidepressants but I doubt anyone knew the full extent of what was happening at home. I remember her being really angry and blaming myself a lot and feeling a lot of pressure not to rock the boat. Truthfully she's still very difficult to be around at times now but I have very clear boundaries for what I will and will not tolerate. I guess that changed our relationship plus I moved away and the distance made a relationship more bearable as we could both dip in and out as we felt able.

I did therapy because I was very worried about passing that on through my parenting. I did a lot of research into attachment and managing anxiety etc and I feel I manage quite well now. I definitely still have days where I feel very disregulated and overwhelmed but I think every parent feels that from time to time. I think what really matters is focusing on:
1)refilling your cup. If you're running on fumes you physically can't give to anyone else.
2) rest that goes deeper than just sleep, actual self care and being purposeful with how you spend your time.
3) being OK with imperfection and not putting massive pressure on yourself all the time
4) use your support network or call them out if they're not pulling their weight. Obviously it's different for single parents but if you've a partner they need to be meeting you halfway.

5) pause. When I'm really struggling and overwhelmed with ds I usually find it's when he's also struggling to regulate himself and he's either over stimulated or upset. Reminding myself that he's having a hard time too helps me stay calm and try to focus on just being there to facilitate him calming.
6) accept that at times you will get it wrong, you will snap or lose the head and thats because you're human. You have limits and needs and they won't always be met. Apologise and own your behaviour, think about which of your needs wasn't met and then make it a priority to meet that need as soon as possible.

I think if my mum had been able to self reflect, had apologised to me and owned her behaviour it would have been way less damaging to my self esteem in the long run. The fact you're even on this board asking this, shows that you care and shows that you want the best for your kids. That makes you a great parent because not everyone does that.

Hi op,

I'm no good with writing so I just want to keep it more short. But I'm also like this.. and I'm trying to change it.. things I'm doing or have noticed have helped have been..

I've started councelling (I filled out a form on the charity website MIND and have been attending weekly for around 5 weeks now)

Exercising (I go swimming)

Recognising what situations trigger anxiety / stress and how I can prevent or manage these better I.e being late. So I purposely wake up early enough on a school day to have plenty of time to get organised and my daughter ready for school.

Listening to music and switching off properly before bed, maybe a sweet treat 😌 (time to myself)

I'm also going to enquire about medication for anxiety with my GP in the next couple of weeks

Yes my mum was one of the worse.
could not do wrong right.
Playing to loud talking to loud.
Not doing what she ask right away.
We were blamed for everything.
Always shouted at never happy with us never wanted to do anything with us.
Any pitchers we made was put in the bin it was rubbish to her
She was just angry snappy all the time none of her children see her we are all NC.
We made to much mess we talked to much We were ungrateful (we had nothing).
Shout to wake us in the mornings shout that it was bed time i mean shout like a roar.
We were scared of her.
She would call us awful names disgusting words.
Tell us how thick and stupid we were etc but all ways praised other kids.
I have a lot more and a lot worse i could add to the list the only time my mum was happy was if they were men around.
I ran for the hills at 14 not been back yet been over 23 year.

I can’t believe OP hasn’t come back. People have been so honest and the response is zero.

Mine changed on a whim.

So I could do something one day and she would laugh, and the next I would be shouted at, hit and sent to my room. You never knew what you would get.

She'd also tell adults she had problems with her 'nerves' but never tried to explain it to me and my brother.

She did have mental illness, depression and agoraphobia but I didn't know that as a child. A simple, "mummy needs you to be quiet today, she doesn't feel well" would have gone a long way.

As I got older she drank more and more. In my early teens she would drink a bottle of gin a night. I don't know if she was also day drinking. I suspect she was.

She could also be impulsive and not think beyond whatever the compulsive thing was. A few years ago I wasn't able to go to a relatives wedding. I was a student (went when I was 32) and the wedding was 200 miles away. I just could not pull together enough money to go.

My brother, his wife and three children attended. Both adults working and on decent money. They were travelling 600 miles. My mother decided to pay my brother and his family's hotel bill.

Then she phoned me to tell me she had paid.

Then my brother called to basically give me a telling off for not attending.

My relationship now? It has improved since she died.

Perhaps she‘s a bit gobsmacked. It must be hard to read these if you’re the “angry mum.”

Mine was like this. Easily flew into a rage, argued with my Dad all the time, I remember lying in bed listening to her screaming at him and throwing things. She wasn’t violent to me but there was a definite atmosphere and a ‘mustn’t upset your mother.’ She argued with neighbours, my friends parents, anyone.

I never felt good enough, she was good at focusing on school work and academia but it felt like I had to be something for her. She was hyper critical of my appearance as I became a teenager and as pp said saw me as an extension of herself so would think she could tell me what to wear, what to do, etc long after I was of an age for that.

Ultimately she told me at some point she never wanted children. She also had a very difficult birth. I have sympathy for those things, part of me feels extremely sorrry for her, but especially since I had DS I look back and think, wtf, I was a CHILD and she was an adult. I was parentified and made to feel responsible for her anger and emotional imcontinence and not allowed to just be a relaxed little kid.

The saddest effect I noticed when DS was small was that I really struggled to play with him. Like I didn’t know how to play. DH was fabulous and did all the hours and hours on the floor and I did other things like outings and cooking - anything where you could DO something - but free, relaxed, creative play - nope. I think it’s because I didn’t have that free flowing security when I was little.

Good luck to the OP. As a teenager I wished and wished my mother would get help but it was hard in the 80s. Do it for you and for them OP.

I did (and dad) and it left me anxious, low self esteem and poor mh.

I started my parenting journey in a similar way but recognised the signs and got counselling, did hypnotherapy and took up yoga . I'm a much better parent now but I still work at it.

Therapy is probably the answer.
The behaviour of our kids is often very triggering due to our own childhood trauma. Therapy can help you to heal your own trauma and react more appropriately to your kids behaviour.

I personally wish I had had therapy BEFORE having dc but it is never too late to gain insight and to improve your relationships.

My mum didn't really want children I don't think. She had a stressful career and preferred that. She was always in a bad mood, always moaning and asleep on the couch. Honestly I don't know why she bothered having us. She's odd but I tolerate her. I could never go to her as a child as she'd blow up and start screaming about why have i done this etc.

She has calmed down as she's got older. I am a single parent and chose a less stressful job so I wasn't a bitch to my kid. I did choose a shit father though 🙄

@CambrianCamel maybe the OP is feeling a bit overwhelmed. There is a lot of brave discussion from people who have suffered what I would describe as really awful childhood abuse here.

I think what OP means is that she is stressed and shouty, but has good insight and wants to stop. I describe myself as a stressed shouty mum. And all the advice to help such as taking time to myself and getting proper rest and sleep just isn’t accessible to me. So I forgive myself, but try hard to do better, apologise to my children, make sure I reaffirm that they are amazing, tell them it’s my issue not theirs, tell them they are loved and prioritised, and create loads of positive memories and try and do lots of things to show them how loved they are. I got the impression OP was similar to me and hopefully she’s not reading this thread and feeling worried her kids are afraid of her and will go no contact when older . I’m aware I’m probably causing harm in our relationship. And I really don’t want to. I know all the good things can’t undo the times when I snap and shout. But I’m doing my best. I never call them names or shame or say they are bad or compare them unfavourably. I do holler ‘put your shoes on’ at a million decibels though….

It’s great that you are self aware & seeking advice, help, that’s the first step.

My mother was always suffering with her ‘nerves’. I’m not actually sure what that meant as it was never discussed and my mother is so unaware that she would never understand how her behaviour impacts others.

She was (and still is) highly controlling, shouty and I lived in fear of her.

If anything didn’t go her way she would shout and instil fear into the kids. She would also hit us - with hard sole slippers, slap us across the face. I can still see the rage and anger in her face. Apparently we deserved it.

My dad (looking back) was an enabler - he just wanted an easy life.

Growing up - I didn’t invite friends around as I was terrified what mood she would be in and they may mess the house up.

Once my dad died all the friends / family of my parents disappeared (as she had been unpleasant to them). I found it easier as a young person to forge relationships with men as I couldn’t relate to women or develop a relationship with them.

I’m LC with her now. She has absolutely no self awareness and is still quite unpleasant if things aren’t going her way. She still instills the fear of god into me if I hear her words ‘we need to have a little chat’.

Please do get some help.

My DH's mum is the anxious, angry mum. The whole household ran to her tune and emotions. Her thought process pretty much goes:

1. Get anxious over something.
2. Create rule or behaviour that, in her way of thinking, will control it.
3. Attempt to impose rule or behaviour on all members of the family
4. If family members disagree with how important the issue is or want to handle it a different way, become incensed.
5. Start argument

My DH has said, and I agree, that deep down she didn't want children. Judging by how she interacts with her children, GC, and neighbours' children I'm inclined to agree. However, being childfree in the era she had children wasn't much of an option.

@NorthernSpirit very similar experience, although I was fine to bring friends round etc as she never did it in front of people, it was only behind closed doors. I usually preferred to go out though, anywhere, even on my own in the dark and rain, to get out of the horrible oppressive atmosphere in the house, everyone walking on eggshells and her speaking to us all like dirt. DB never really left his room and took solace in gaming. I went out and got attention from men and got up to things I’m not proud of, and in to some dangerous situations.

I’ve never raised her behaviour with her, she still thinks she’s parent of the year because in her world caring = controlling, worrying, anxiety, bossing around and shouting. She slags off pretty much everyone she knows and their parenting. We are ok-ish now but I don’t tell her a lot. She loves DGC and I feel like I can keep her at an arms length that stops her getting to the angry stage with them.

She would whack me around the back of the legs and scream in my face, spitting through gritted teeth. She called me a selfish bitch constantly from about age 8. Violent mood swings and unpredictable emotions. The same thing would be fine one day, the next send her over the edge. I remember me and my brother cowering together on the couch.

I suspect untreated depression and anxiety, and a generally awful temper. She also used to work at night then be looking after us the next day and be trying to sleep when she was in sole charge of small children who depended on her. Which was of course never going to work, so we constantly got shouted at to be quiet. I have similar issues with depression and am on a high dose of medication to help control it, I’m proud that the times I’ve even started to slide into similar patterns I’ve caught myself right away. It has some advantages I guess, I can be very tough when I need to and don’t really give a shit what people say about me.

OP - you are noticing and can do something about it - start now.

Yes my DM was an angry and frustrated parent when my sibling and I were young. Nothing like some of the stories upthread, but we were in general much more worried about upsetting her than my father. She definitely did some questionable things, more so to me than my cute younger sibling . And the lies she told to punish us were absolutely shocking

She was however kept somewhat in check by my GM, her own DM, who was an even more formidable woman if that's possible. Apparently she once told my DM that she was behaving so badly that everyone would leave her and she would die alone. She also went back to work when I was in my late teens and that seemed to make her a lot less fiery.

Oddly enough we actually have a pretty good relationship now. We see her every week. She loves and indulges her GC in a way that I didn't know was even possible. She's still the most contrary woman I know - she's never seen an 'exit only' door she didn't walk through - but she's mellowed a lot. And she did have a good side too which I remember fondly, I think that's key.