As a child, did you have an anxious, stressed out or angry mum?

[Muminthewest]

What was her behaviour and how did this affect you?
Was there a turning point when things got better and if so, what brought about the change, and what age were you when the change took place?
How is your relationship with your mum now?

I am worried I am this mum, I’m triggered all the time.
My children won’t be able to articulate the effect my stress might be having on them. I want to know I can turn things around and see how others have done this. I also want to know it’s not too late. My children are 8 and 5.

My single mother was unable to cope, always depressed, nervous breakdowns, crying, anxious or just wouldn't speak at all.
I remember being sent to the shop 2 miles away with a shopping list every few days aged 5 as she would be unable to leave the house.
Relatives provided my clothes or I wouldn't have had any. I never had a hug, a kiss or a bedtime story.
I took myself to school and did my homework alone. She then married a man who hated me and wanted me to be taken into care. I left home at 16 and had to fend for myself.
I never speak to my mother now and never see her. I'd be sick if I saw her.

@chatelai and @withoutjeans , I'm so sorry to hear you've been affected in the same way I have, in terms of assuming people (esp women) won't like you. I've always felt shame about it, it's weirdly relieving in a sad way to hear I'm not the only one.

I really recommend the Phillipa Perry 'book you'll wish your parents had read' for help with this. It's so good and has really turned things around here.

Yes
ehen I first became a single mum especially i was like whoaaah !

I’ve managed to calm myself and understand triggers better

I love her now so much , she didn’t have it easy
but yes …

I had a stressed, violent angry Mum. In a weird way, it did me well.

I'm a calm person and I am good in a crisis. I don't panic and I'm fine with confrontation. I think it's because the crap I dealt with a child made me super resilient. I always think to myself- nothing is going to be worse than that.

Of course, I'm not advocating it- but on the other hand, I am happy to step up and say 'that's not acceptable' to anyone. I suppose there's a bit of 'make or break' for me.

OP - read the responses but be careful what you take from them. You are not the parent of the people posting here and be careful not to take on others' trauma.

For balance, my dad is almost certainly on the autistic spectrum. He worked long hours, had odd or unrealistic expectations, shouted a lot, and sometimes had frankly terrifying meltdowns.

I felt scared of him and deeply resented him.

My mum was what people would probably call emotionally unavailable. I cannot ever remember her saying "I love you" e.g. She could see my father's behaviour and moderated it at times, but not very effectively.

Now I am 44 and look back quite differently. My parents are both good people. They dealt with lots of challenges. They had zero support network, 4 children and high living costs. One of my sisters was gravely ill. My dad was abused as a child.

They did their best. They prioritised us. They gave us good eduations, made sure we had outdoor time and enriching activities. They talked to us all the time and were genuinely interested in us. They taught us life skills. They carefully saved up money for us to help us in later life.

Today I enjoy both their company. Our relationship has changed and developed. I moderate time with my dad, but I like going out for a coffee with both. They take an interest in me. I talk to them most days on WhatsApp. I know if me, or my children,were ever in real trouble, they'd help.

This is also what it means to be a parent. Think not so much about what your kids might say at 5, but what they will say at 35. "She told us she hated us and screamed for no reason." Or "she was really on edge and stressy but she tucked us in every night and told us she loved us, and I she moved heaven and earth when we really needed her".

Which one is you? Only you know. You take care now x

I had a very reactive mum, she never felt emotionally safe to me, even though on the whole she was a good mum and our relationship is ok now.

I felt some patterns were repeating themselves with how I parent so I got myself in to counselling asap and I've come on leaps and bounds.

Yes. My mum tended to ignore us and then would flip out wildly and on occasion violently. She would frequently be nasty about me to others when she thought I couldn't hear. I never felt enough. I expected people not to like me, on edge and dealt with constant anxiety (though you would have no idea to meet me).

I married someone very calm and that helped. But then found myself struggling as a mum and becoming very shouty myself.

I had two years of counselling and it made a huge difference. This was a few years ago and I am genuinely a different mum, by getting the support I needed for myself. We really, really, really couldn't afford it. But it's the best money I ever spent. I still have my issues around my childhood but it no longer daily impacts my children. We talk openly about feelings, they are deeply loved kids and they know it.

My mum and dads relationship became very toxic and there were a lot of times when I could sense the atmosphere of them not talking, crying hearing them arguing, but my mum was always the loving, kind and nurturing influence. I did however grow up feeling very protective over her which led me to miss out on things with my friends, but we were very close and we grew to be best mates.

Please seek help and support for your feelings. No child should feel awkward or scared in their own home.

Oh and 5 is not too late, start tomorrow. Pick the phone up for help.

My mum had lots of stresses and no good role model for parenting herself. She was a wonderful fun creative responsive mother about 95% of the time. She was anxious, ragey and a bit explosive occasionally. I remember a couple of upsetting incidents particularly clearly. It would have helped a lot if she had been more open with us and admitted when she was stressed and said sorry when she had blown up. I was never scared of her physically, although there was smacking and some object throwing. We have a good relationship now, I sometimes feel sad about some aspects of her life and our relationship. Mostly I feel a lot of love and gratitude that she did a good job on the whole, despite extreme abuse and neglect in her own childhood, poverty in the early years of my childhood and a useless and emotionally absent husband. We talk about twice a week.

edit to add - i was in an abusive relationship for most of my teenage years, I didn’t recognise it as such partly because of my childhood. That is one reason I wish she had been able to say sorry and explain what had happened when her emotions got out of control. Then I wouldn’t have thought it was ok for a boyfriend to blow up at me and throw things.

I had an anxious/ PMT/ moody mum.
It's made me hyper sensitive, low self esteem and avoid conflict. I love her but feel pain that this made me who I am.

That's a really interesting take on it as I am very similar and nothing like my mum was.

It's not ideal but there are worse scenarios. Children can usually sense when you've shouted because you are feeling overwhelmed rather than doing it from a position of strength. Far worse psychologically is guilt-tripping or shaming them whilst calm or just mildly irritated. That happens too.

I think apologising to the children and owning it afterwards can help. Children don't need you to be perfect but they do need you to be accountable and not make them feel as if they are inherently bad.

Things can improve as they get older.

I've been the stressed out anxious angry Mum. About 18 months ago I ended up off work for 3 months after my new manager put so much pressure on me for 12 months that it brought me to breaking point.

I started taking sertraline and had therapy. It is the best thing I've done. I didnt realise until those things started to take effect and the noise in my head stopped just how stressed and anxious I had been, even before the difficult manager.

I can see how my stress and anxiety affected my son. He was quite controlling and anxious.

Because I was now calm and clear headed I could help him and undo some of the damage it had caused him. I got school on board too.

He is 10 now, so 8.5 when I went off work sick. I'm glad it happened then because it forced me to deal with things and I think he was still young enough engage with me and school and hormones hadn't kicked in.

We are both in a much better place now and I know I am a good Mum now. Not perfect by any means but generally calm. If I am feeling a bit stressy one day and get short with him, I am able to calm quickly and then talk to him about it.

In short, get yourself sorted now with GP and counselling. It will make such a difference to you and your children

These comments resonate so much. I have a very anxious, stressy, catastrophisizing mum - she was later diagnosed with GAD. It made her very controlling and unreasonable. She was terrified, and I mean terrified, I would get pregnant and did everything she could to stop me going out. I had to be home from parties much earlier than my friends and my dad was always sent to pick me up. I had to be ready to go so we could get back by the time she expected us or there would be hell to pay. She has mellowed a bit though her nails are still bitten to the knuckles and she’s on all manner of antidepressants and beta blockers.

The upshot is that we have a very calm ‘surface’ relationship. I don’t tell her anything about my life that might worry her. I talk about flowers and shopping and restaurants. If I told her I’d taken one of the kids to the doctors she would automatically think they had terminal cancer even if it was just to sort out a sore throat, so I don’t tell her normal day to day stuff. I think it has made me an all singing all dancing jazz hands comedian (not literally, I’m not Cher) and people pleaser, and it has come at significant personal cost. I’ve had depression (which I didn’t tell her about until I had to) and I have poor self esteem. Even when I’ve won awards and promotions I feel that people have made a mistake or got it wrong. I made a bad marriage because I didn’t want to upset my now ex by saying no. Thankfully, I’m in a happy equal relationship now.

I have a very different relationship with my own kids. I always try to say yes if they want to do or go anywhere unless I really can’t. I encouraged them to go on school trips (I was never allowed - not because of money; we were reasonably well off), get trains, get their driving license, travel, etc. I want them to talk to me, and be open. I could never do that and got myself in some sticky situations because I would lie to her rather than tell her a truth she would dislike. I’d rather know my DD was staying over at her boyfriend’s house than believing the lie that she was staying at her friends.

If this sounds like you, please seek help. It will benefit all of you in the short and long term.

This all explains so much about me. It's unsettling. Never being good enough, banal conversations about weather, assuming people dislike me, being a people pleaser

@Hbh17 Mine was the same. She was also angry all the time at my father, who worked abroad and was constantly unfaithful to her. She resented having to be the parent that 'stayed behind' to look after myself and my two brothers. I've never heard my mother admit to any wrong doing, never heard the word 'sorry' come from her lips...she's never said she loves any of us, either. My father left her for another woman 6 months after my younger brother turned 18.

As a mother, she did the bare minimum and no more. There was no emotional support (still isn't) and no interest in our lives. As a result my younger brother left school with no qualifications...he told me years later that for the last year he was supposedly at school he rarely went. This was in the mid 80s, when there was little communication between schools and parents...no fines for non-attendance, either.

I'm 55 and have been low contact with my mother for 27 years now. She lives on the other side of the world and I've only seen her twice in that time...it's been nearly 14 years since I last saw her. I ring her every month or so and keep the conversation at very superficial level...the weather, cats, celebrities, etc. Nothing really 'personal' - I've had serious illnesses etc that she knows nothing about.

My mother was a very bitter woman. She'd had a lot of tragedy in her life, including her husband dying when I was 10. She also had fairly bad arthritis and must have been in a lot of pain daily. And I think she might also have had a difficult menopause; certainly if mine is anything to go by, red mists were probably a thing!

But. When you're 10, and grieving your dad, you don't understand why your remaining parent is shouty, unkind and cold. I constantly walked on eggshells, feeling that it was my job to make her happy - though of course I couldn't. I didn't really emerge from the FOG until 10 or so years ago (I'm now 50). But I moved away as soon as I could, marrying very young. Bloody lucky that my DH is a really decent man, as I could have easily ended up with an abusive arse.

I'd possibly liken it to living on a barren, desolate sub-Arctic wasteland with a seething mass of raging, violent lava waiting to burst out if I ever allowed myself to relax a little and let down my guard, especially if I was stupid enough to appear to be happy.

Now I'm out of that and with DP (who unlike my previous relationships, which because they occasionally wanted to touch me affectionately and at least pretended to vaguely like me at times, never felt quite so bad as my first 16 years of life despite being coercive and abusive, is kind, loving, caring and safe), I know I am left with the permanent legacy;

I am absolutely brilliant at reading body language, tone, pitch, sibilance, cadence and the slightest movement or absence of movement that means anger/violence. I am so hypervigilant that very little surprises me - I've seen things coming a mile off and taken evasive action or decided it's not as if I'm going to be physically hurt, so you might as well get on with it.

If you do carry on like this, you'll have children who have the same look in their eyes as a battle hardened veteran. And absolutely no memories of warmth or security or positive feelings towards you.

You can change. You really can, because you're recognising it and want to change it. But you need to start now before it's ingrained in them that being shouted at, being disliked is normal for them and not for other children.

My mum was very angry, bitter, put me down, criticized a lot and never showed me love or emotional support.

This carried on until my 20/30s. After myself and sister pulled her up on things for years, she changed for the better. We have a brilliant relationship now.

I grew up the same, not knowing any different which affected my relationships and I was so insecure and self critical. Luckily I learned as I grew older, this wasn't normal, in time for having my own children. My children have grown up secure and confident because I taught them that they're beautiful no matter what, something I didn't experience as a child or teen.

Anger doesn't do anyone any favours. It's not too late to change. Please don't emotionally harm your children.

I had an anxious, stressy Mum and we barely have a relationship now I'm an adult.

Her anxiety manifested as being incredibly controlling and lots of catastrophizing and the older I got the worse she got. She tried her hardest to destroy my self esteem so I'd never leave her - so if I went for a job interview in another town and told her about it, I'd just get a barrage of reasons why I shouldn't bother and why it would be a disaster. When I tried to move in with a friend after I graduated, she told me I couldn't because what if I lost my job and couldn't pay rent? I should just stay home.

Every time I went on holiday it was "you'll get mugged, you'll get lost, you'll get malaria". Don't even get me started on her appalling behavior at and around my wedding....

As a child and a teenager she was very anxious and very mercurial - she'd say I could do something or go somewhere and then get too anxious and forbid me to do it. She was constantly going back on her word so it's absolutely impossible to trust her. She is not a safe or comforting person for me.

@Razorcroft Eurgh I'm so sorry, this kind of thing happened to me too.

Once I was washing up and a wine glass slipped out of my hand and broke and she just started screaming at me and slamming her hand on the worktop over and over again to hammer home how stupid and useless I was.

I went back to university the next morning and she wrote me a bonkers over the top "non-apology" letter.

My DM was emotionally disconnected & exploded at times, so I never quite knew where I was with her. I was an insecure child.
I have children that are grown up, I overcompensated for my lack of connection with my DM & got too involved in making sure they were ok.
Fortunately I have a good relationship with 2 of my children but one I don't see. I don't have any relationship with my DM now at all.

OP you can never get it absolutely right, you'll make mistakes, the important thing is that, like you've done in your post, you've recognised that you're not happy with an aspect of your parenting, it's fine there is time to change things. And you've done the first step by recognising it.

My mum was awful. She was always “suffering from her nerves”. She wasn’t a nice person and was very closed when it came to emotions, she never spoke to me about periods or anything and often used to threaten to put her head in a gas oven if I said or done anything that didn’t please her. When I became a teenager everything got worse and she literally hated me, she hated the way I dressed, my make up etc. I ended up NC with her and never went to her funeral.

I’m very close to all of my children even although they’re adults, my mother made me want to be that mum who showed her children unconditional love and give them wings to fly. They always know I’ll be here for them but a I never ever let them see the low points of my life, that’s something children should never see.