Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Help am I being used?

42 replies

Sarahblack1876 · 12/11/2023 13:56

I have been in a relationship for 6 months now and I seem to pay for everything
Yes I earn alot more than him but he never seems to buy me anything nor pay for dinner. He has never said I love you but he has strong feelings for me, cares about me and calls me his gf.
He has a child and so do I which we have all met up a few times. I spoke to my partner earlier to ask to borrow his laptop as mine broke and I need to do work. His response was I don't really want my son seeing us together 3 days in a row. I really like him alot I mentioned I felt used and he got upset and promised me he wasn't but I'm having really strong doubts! We have been away 7x in 6 months abroad in which I paid for all of it!

Maybe I'm being selfish and overthrowing?__

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 12/11/2023 14:02

If you think you might be being used, you leave. It's something that doesn't get suspected in healthy relationships.

GarlicMaybeNot · 12/11/2023 14:04

If he never buys you anything or pays for dinner, yes, he's taking the piss. Who's idea were the 7 trips abroad, and what did he contribute to them?

I think 6 months in is a bit too soon to be worrying about "I love you", and he's not wrong to limit your presence in his son's life at this early stage.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 12/11/2023 14:05

Are your initials ATM op?
Obviously he is a sponging fucker... Can you really not see that?

samestyle · 12/11/2023 14:07

He's certainly taking an advantage of this freely isn't he, whether or not it was his intentions who knows, but I'm sure he still earns enough to pay for dinner some of the time, you shouldn't be paying every time, as for the holidays is this your idea? even so most would feel uncomfortable not paying their way. I think you are going too above and beyond to get him to like you, if he genuinely does then, scale it down, for him to step up or perhaps he's not such a match for you.

Wishimaywishimight · 12/11/2023 14:09

Not sure what you mean by "overthrowing" but you are allowing yourself to be taken advantage of so you can stop that.

If I earned more than a bf I would be happy to treat them at times but would not pay every time and certainly not for entire holidays.

Let him suggest the next date so that it's somewhere he can afford and don't be so quick to pay. See if he is willing to pick up the tab or if he is now in the habit of expecting you to pay. If he is then you need to have a chat.

OliveToboogie · 12/11/2023 14:14

He is a sponger and taking advantage. Start to say you will each pay for your own trips meals etc. See how long he stick around. He is using money you could spend on your child and yourself. Lap top excuse very lame.

Namerequired · 12/11/2023 14:15

Just stop paying and then you will quickly find out. Why have you paid for all this in a short 6 months? It’s not a good sign that he has allowed this though tbh. But you have set yourself up to be used so you need to think about this for the future.

SamW98 · 12/11/2023 14:20

Who is the one suggesting 7 holidays in 6 months?

Reading your OP it does come across as you trying to buy his affection - sorry if that sounds harsh.

It depends on his attitude. Does he ever offer to pay or treat you? Does he say that he thinks you’re spending too much on him? Or say that another free trip for him isn’t necessary? It is he happy to sit back and let you pay without saying a word?

Azandme · 12/11/2023 14:25

Seven times in six months? That's a LOT of money. Whose idea were the trips?

How disparate are your incomes?

skyeisthelimit · 12/11/2023 14:27

You are not being selfish but you are moving rather fast with so many holidays and meeting the kids and wanting I Love You etc. It's only been 6 months.

Stop suggesting dates out and if he does then say well its your turn to pay so you pick where we are going. See what happens. Go out with your friends if he wont arrange/pay for anything. or stay in with him if you are happy with his company .

Stop booking and paying for holidays.

Yupppp · 12/11/2023 14:32

i would ask questions about why he is so reluctant to give you access to his laptop, OP. Have a think about how is making you feel and if that’s what you need from a relationship.

Nicole1111 · 12/11/2023 14:37

Trust your intuition.

LucyvanderPelt · 12/11/2023 14:52

Has he ever spoken about the fact you pay for everything? Does he seem embarrassed or say he’ll make it up to you sometime?

It does sound like he’s taking advantage - 7 trips in 6 months when he’s paid for nothing? I think you should find someone more able/willing to pay his own way.

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 12/11/2023 14:57

7 trips in 6 months? Typo?

Watchkeys · 12/11/2023 14:59

It depends on his attitude

@SamW98 His attitude is such that OP is beginning to feel used. Further details about that are unnecessary, unless you think OP should put up with feeling used because he 'xyz'.

Terrribletwos · 12/11/2023 15:03

It does seem odd, especially the trips. When you were planning the trips did you not discuss how they were to be paid? Naturally, when going on a trip with someone, whether partner, friend or family, the first thing you discuss is finances and who's paying for what.

Draculina · 12/11/2023 16:09

Sarahblack1876 · 12/11/2023 13:56

Maybe I'm being selfish and overthrowing?__

He is absolutely using you. I don't know any decent man who lets a woman pay for him, even if she earns more than him. Him not letting you use his laptop also makes me think he has stuff on it that he does not want you to come across. Especially considering his child already knows about you, I think using said child as an excuse to not let you use his device is dumb and invalid.

I'd let this one go.

LBFseBrom · 12/11/2023 16:14

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 12/11/2023 14:57

7 trips in 6 months? Typo?

I thought the op meant they went away for seven days.

It's all progressing too fast, OP, meeting children, going away on holiday, etc, plus he should put his hand in his pocket when you go out.

You don't need this man.

Original poster

Sarahblack1876 · 12/11/2023 16:42

Thank you all for your replies. I have known his guy for 2 years. Well met him then didn't really speak for a year then got together. He is the one who suggests the holidays but I'm the one who pays. Even on our last holiday we were filling up the car I was sat in the car waiting and saw him automatically use my card. From now on I'm going to say no and see what happens doubt he will stay around!

OP posts:

SamW98 · 12/11/2023 16:47

With your latest update OP sorry to say he sounds like a ponce.

Call his bluff like you say but think you already know he’s one for the bin.

Watchkeys · 12/11/2023 17:22

@Sarahblack1876

He is the one who suggests the holidays but I'm the one who pays

What would he say if he suggested a holiday, and you said 'That sounds lovely. It's definitely your turn to pay, though, after I paid for the last 6. So, this one's on you, right?'

MagpiePi · 12/11/2023 17:28

Even on our last holiday we were filling up the car I was sat in the car waiting and saw him automatically use my card.

He has your card??!! And you are ok with him using it without asking?

You’re being taken for a mug.

perfectcolourfound · 12/11/2023 17:31

He is using you, and being really obvious about it. I can't believe he used your card to pay for fuel when he was filling up the car. And he has the cheek to suggest that you go on holiday, funded by you, 7 times in 6 months. That is far, far from normal and reasonable.

Start saying no. See how he responds.

Crikeyalmighty · 12/11/2023 17:36

He's having a right old good time at your expense isn't he- stop paying, stop booking trips and see what happens

Bananalanacake · 12/11/2023 17:39

Don't let him move in with you, ever

Flip

1 2