Silly argument - please help me unpack it

[MerryMarigold]

I have an electric car, which I use for work in ulez zone. It's old so it needs frequent charging - approx every other day but not regular slots as depends what else it's being used for. We use a 'normal' plug point, according to dh it's better for the car than a fast charger but it does take about 6 hours to fully charge. The plug point is outside but there's also a switch to turn the plug point off inside. Dh also says it's better for the battery to only charge to 80% (you can set the car to stop charging) which just means more frequent charging for me.

On Thursday I plugged it in as it was low and I need to take my daughter to a club also in ulez. I didn't realise but dh had switched the plug off inside the house so it wasn't charging at all for hours. He did realise this in time for a couple of hours charge (just enough time get us there and back) and he apologised. It needed to be replugged in when I got in so I could get to work.

Yesterday it was low again so I said to myself: charge the car and DON'T FORGET to check if H has turned it off inside again. Guess what, by the time I unloaded my shopping, I forgot to check...and it was off inside. So it's not charged at all. I was annoyed that he'd turned it off again. I'm not even sure why he does. He mutters about people using our plug from outside (it's quite difficult to get to) or that it's 'wasting electricity' even if nothing is plugged into it. And I 'should remember' to turn it on inside. My point is that it wasn't a choice for me to forget. I have a ton of stuff to do and sometimes I forget things plus it's just extra hassle to plug it all in outside (lead from boot, plug in car, plug in plugpoint) and I could do without the extra hassle of switching it on inside as well. It was/is a choice to switch it off inside and I'm not really sure on the reasons. It just feels like he's deliberately making my life harder. It was OK when he apologised on Thursday but I thought that would mean he'd stop.

I know this is a long rant about very little but it follows a pattern of nearly every argument in our house.

Your last line says it all, though I'm going to chase this rabbit a minute and just suggest you install a fast charge. I can't imagine going through all that rigmarole every time you need to charge. Life is too busy short! And the electrical current usage for not switching off completely is so minuscule his argument about that is a joke. Either he’s micromanaging and controlling everything or feeling the pressure somewhere and taking it out on financial crisis (unless that IS the pressure). Offer to pay it out of your own pocket money if he's that bothered, or maybe he could buy it for you out of his undying love. Grrr. 😡
But like you said, it's not really about this charger; it's about where you're at with each other and it'll only get worse if you don't both figure out what's going on.

I'm not sure on the techinals of charging but 100% charge should be feasible

He sounds like a controlling bossy twerp. I also have one.

He is a prize pillock..

He mutters about people using our plug from outside.

I know nothing about chargers but can't you buy a lockable cover/box to go over the outside plug? Otherwise I would investigate whether your car can take a fast charger setup and go for that. Unless a divorce is cheaper? 🤔

Thanks all. I feel so down about it, it's silly, but I guess because it's symptomatic of other things.

Of course it can take a fast charge set up but:
A. Apparently it's not good for battery life 🤷
B. It costs a lot to install (nb. We are not short of money but dh will save every penny he can). He paid for this to be installed so he will definitely not pay more.
C. It won't get rid of the ultimate issues which are with us. I just can't work out what they are.

You need to be doing a bit more research into electric car charging so you can confidently counter his nonsensical arguments and shut him down once and for all. He's being controlling and what sounds like mansplaining and it would drive me potty.

I get the impression it's not even his car (& assuming you pay your share of household bills ) tell him to stop interfering and keep out of anything to do with your car & charging it.

Tell him to stop doing it altogether and be clear about it not being a negotiation.

Or tell him to fit a lock around the outside socket if he thinks strangers will steal some electricity on their way past. Tell him you don’t think that’s happening so it’s not up to you to fit it.

Or get a proper charging unit installed.

He sounds like a control freak and sounds like you need to say ‘no’ more.
💐

Ours is charged 80% for the same reason.

It is also on a 'normal' plug but is on a timer.

A. Apparently it's not good for battery life 🤷
Can you research/google your type of battery, it's age and whether it can cope with fast charging. Alternatively speak to the dealership to see if they sell newer batteries that take it. Your battery might just need replacing anyway, I vaguely recall the first Leafs needing a new battery every four years for optimum use.

B. It costs a lot to install (nb. We are not short of money but dh will save every penny he can). He paid for this to be installed so he will definitely not pay more.
Research. It might work out to be more cost effective. But you might need a new battery first which might solve this particular problem.

C. It won't get rid of the ultimate issues which are with us. I just can't work out what they are.
Tell us what the niggles are, what gets you down. On their own they seem nothing but could create a certain pattern when written down.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?

He is further using your car to control you and otherwise mess with your head. He’s also deliberately switching off the power to it from inside your house.
I guarantee you that if this was HIS car it would have a fast charger. It’s because it’s YOUR car that he acts like this.

This is all part and parcel of his controlling aka abusive behaviour towards you. He is both mean with money and with love.

If you have children what do you want to teach them about relationships and what is their dads behaviour teaching them?.

I would also read Why does he do that ? By Lundy Bancroft.

In that case I would of thought the tech should be good for 100% ?

Not sure if hevs right about the charging. But it is your car so you're in charge of making sure the switch is on. Then you need to have a system where, say, you put red tape over the switch when you're using it, and take it off ans switch the switch to off when you unplug the car.

It's your car. Take responsibility for setting up an efficient system.

I get the impression it's not even his car (& assuming you pay your share of household bills ) tell him to stop interfering and keep out of anything to do with your car & charging it.

Yes it's 'my' car but I don't really 'pay my way' in terms of bills. Joint account which I have full access to, joint savings where everything goes. I work part time in a minimum wage job so the pay difference is about 80k per year! We generally agree finances together eg. Holiday budget, car etc. But I still shop in Lidl, never get haircuts (last one was well before first lockdown) etc because I'm aware that I'm not bringing much in and really I just work to do something not to 'pay my way'.

He sounds like a control freak and sounds like you need to say ‘no’ more.

He definitely is and part of the problem is that I say no a lot! I think with the car I wasn't that passionate about how it was charged etc so left it up to him. But now it's causing an issue.

I have no idea how you can stop him switching it off when he has this mindset of "it's wasting electricity". My DH is like that too but I'd be furious if he switched off my car charging and I hope he'd understand and not do it. If not, I'd simply get the outdoor fast charger installed myself with my own money and endure the moaning.

I don't believe your dh is correct that slow charging and only charging to 80% are better for battery life. I think he's just tight fisted. But in any case your car is old and it wouldn't make much difference. Plus the important thing is that you have enough charge for your journey, and he's putting you at risk of not having that.

Can you get an electrician to disable the indoor switch? I bet dh has no evidence that other people use the socket. I'd be inclined to do this and when he moans, tell him you had to stop him switching it off because one day you'd be stuck.

You're not silly for feeling demoralised. He's interfering with your car to save a few pence, and causing you anxiety because you can't trust him.

Does he have a car himself?

Industry advice is to charge to 80%. Our dealer told us this and the charging menu on the car says it too. 100% charge should be reserved for long journeys when you know you will need the whole battery.

I don't think he's that unreasonable to turn off an unused switch.

Maybe getting into a routine of charging it at night would work for you. Then you get into a habit of plugging it in, check that it's charging before bed every night and it's ready for the next day's driving when you get up.

Just to clarify, he has not turned the switch off whilst it's charging. But because it's switched off inside, the outside plug does not come on even though I turn it on.

OP, you need to be able to approach each other and say that you don't feel you're working together but on opposite teams over the smallest stuff, which is getting you down.

In a healthy relationship the partner cares that the other person is worried about something and will take reasonable steps to meet them halfway to remedy it.

If he won't, then maybe you need to ask why not and how much you're prepared to put up with that.

I don't think he's that unreasonable to turn off an unused switch

Why? There is also a plug switch outside which you can turn on and off - and I do. So the inside on/off switch literally controls about 10cm of wire. I assumed he installed it so you could turn the car charging off from inside without going outside and to stop random people using the plug if you're away for 2 weeks but currently it's right under our window with the car stuck in front of it. We'd need cctv to spot anyone using it. It's just highly highly unlikely to happen and since it's a normal plugpoint, you'd have to plug in for a loooong time to use much.

Will he agree to leave the internal switch permanently on and just use the outside switch to control the charging? If not then he needs to pay an electrician to make the outside switch part of your mains ring, which is expensive and messy. Give him these two options and he can choose.

Edit - oh nvm. I had assumed two switches, one on an internal wall that fed the other switch on the external wall (ie similar to an extension lead), but your outside switch is actually outside??

Get the indoor switch disconnected!

I see from your update that your household income must be well over 100k and you don't get haircuts because you feel you don't "pay your way". This is so wrong. Is it because he's generally stingy and his switching off the socket is just one symptom of his extreme meanness? What would he say if you said "I'm off to shop in M&S / the artisan baker and then get my hair cut"? Would he mutter about the cost? Or is this just your own misplaced guilt?

Maybe getting into a routine of charging it at night would work for you. Then you get into a habit of plugging it in, check that it's charging before bed every night and it's ready for the next day's driving when you get up.

But it would hit 80% at 3am and then be PLUGGED IN till 8am. We had to do this the other day (the day he apologised for messing up my charging) and he got up in the middle of the night to go and turn to the switch off! I don't think he'll buy that idea.

But you might need a new battery first which might solve this particular problem.

The car was 5k. It is an old Leaf. Not sure about cost of batteries but I would love to increase mileage and get a newer battery. Just likely to be quite expensive. I'll look into it though. Thanks.