How do I stop feeling I am to blame for his infidelity?

[Doesitgeteasierthanthis]

I’m stuck in an awful cycle of beating myself up the thoughts are so intrusive every day. It’s almost been a year since I found out ex partner was having an affair. We have two children 7 and 3. He literally skipped off to work and off to his new women and had barely been back in the uk since.

Since finding out about the affair he also admitted to multiple other encounters with sleeping with women since the children were born including before and whilst I was pregnant with our second daughter.

I feel like all of my self worth has been completely destroyed. I go around and around in my head trying to make sense of how a person can act so cruel? What I did wrong? Why I was not enough?

I feel like I am barely getting by and feel on the verge of completely overwhelmed every single day. Meanwhile he is taking holidays and swanning around the world with his new women. It feels like torture.

i know I need therapy and a lot of it: but I feel paralysed to do anything.

what do I do? Where do I go from here? How can I reframe my thinking?

I am genuinely so sad and heartbroken.

Sweetheart, I'm glad you posted.
You are amazing.
You have carried on, despite his hateful behaviour.
I had a similar experience.
I'm finally free from that headspace.
If you have time to listen, I highly recommend this lady.

K_

I'm so sorry to hear this OP, what a dick he is I'm not sure if this will help or not but the idea that cheaters always cheat because there's something missing from the marriage is nonsense (not saying it never happens that way but it's awful that there sometimes seems to be this attitude of 'well, if they were happy, they would never have strayed').

I really think it's often down to a deficiency in the cheater- being weak, completely unprincipled, or just liking the novelty () of shagging people who aren't their spouse/partner. I'm afraid I think it's frequently a case of being nothing to do with anything lacking in the relationship or partner- if the opportunity arises, they'd do it regardless of who they were with.

And I'm sure you didn't do anything wrong and you ARE enough, it's probably just a case of him not having the moral compass to be a good or faithful partner. The fact that you can't identify what the 'reason' could possibly be tells you that this isn't your fault. He may SAY there are reasons, but that's just him trying to justify his behaviour and make himself look better after the fact.

And for what you need, I personally recommend doing nothing but self care and enjoying time with your children until you're feeling a bit better. I've been there. Looking too far into the future might seem overwhelming- what can you do just to distract yourself for the next half an hour? What would you enjoy? Just try to give yourself permission to 'pause' thinking about what's happened for a short while, you can come back to it later. This is exhausting for you, and I found it helpful to do it in little chunks of time. I agree therapy could also be very helpful.

For me, lots of time outside helped. Comforting sitcoms from childhood too, I would put on an episode of 'only fools and horses' or similar and decide I was just going to give myself the length of the episode to have a break from the emotion of it all. Over time, those short periods of distraction will become longer and it will ease, I know it feels like it won't because everything feels so fraught right now.

I really am sorry OP and here for a handhold over the internet

You have to realise that this is nothing to do with him. He is a symptom of your problem, not the problem itself, and you are projecting, to avoid dealing with your own view of yourself.

He was cruel to you because he is a cruel person. He was likely cruel before you met him, and will likely be being cruel to selected people for the rest of his life. The people with high self esteem will walk away from him, muttering 'Tosser...' under their breath. The people with low self esteem will wonder what they did to cause his appalling behaviour and treatment of them. So, the thing you need to change is your self esteem, in order that you can view what he did differently.

You need to look at you. This is about you, not him.

Have a think about why you have low self esteem, who gave you the feelings you had about him before him, where/when/with whom did you first feel that way (both the good and the bad)

And think about how you would actually go about transforming a nice person into the cruel version of him. What steps would you take, to change a nice person into a cruel one? What method would you use, and why do you think that you actually have the power to do that? How would you make any other adult do anything at all that wasn't in their nature? Would you even be able to unwittingly make another adult eat a different flavour of ice cream, for example, from the one they would normally want to have? You are simply not powerful enough to turn someone cruel, or make them do cruel things.

The only thing wrong with you is that you think there's something wrong with you. Try this experimental re-framing: If someone with no faults was in your situation, and had been treated the way he treated you, how would they be feeling right now?

@Watchkeys
Brilliant advice.
I did CBT and this helped tremendously with self esteem.
One of the exercises was each night to write in a journal all the positive thing people had said about you during the day.

Tammy you're a star!
I always come and look for Tammy when I'm really upset.
I've never known Tammy be late.

(Me - I must put on on some make up ) I thought you had just put some on before I got back Tam - you look gorgeous

It may sound silly, I certainly felt silly the first few times I did this.
But really helps.

It a slow build and even a year later I could feel myself thinking better of myself.

Lots of good advice here OP.

Get all the financial information you need in order to start a divorce.

Very painful I know, but your future self will thank you.

He's a shit and you don't need people like that in your life.

You reframe it like this…..do you honestly think you have the power to control the actions of another adult human being? Could anybody FORCE you to act in a way that was totally against your principles? He has, unfortunately, shown you who he really IS. This lack of loyalty, this cowardly weakness, this inability to take responsibility? That is who he is. And that is HIS problem. You didn’t MAKE him like that, because you simply don’t have that power over him. This was HIS choice. And it is absolutely nothing to do with you being “less than” or not good enough. It’s got to do with him being selfish and entitled and weak. Lacking in the ability to treat someone he claimed to love in the way that he would absolutely expect to be treated himself. And (stay with me because this is abit “woo” for MN!) I firmly believe, that somewhere in him, he knows he’s a shitcunt. In the dead of the night, when it’s quiet and when he can’t hide behind travel and holidays and his shiny new life and miss shiny new boobs, he KNOWS how fucking awful and cruel and weak he is. He will NEVER openly admit it, but every time he looks in the mirror, he knows. And it eats away at him. Personally I would rather be betrayed and keep my integrity than betray someone else and have to face that I was a shit person. He loses here, not you. He’s shown himself for all to see and he’s…..less than. He didn’t do this to you, he did it to himself, so send all the responsibility for it back to him, where it belongs. His shit behaviour has literally nothing to do with you.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply, this has been really helpful to read. I do have low self esteem and that is absolutely where I need to put in the work. I need to listen to friends and family that I am good enough and somehow learn to believe it.

I hate that I let a man with zero integrity, who had behaved so cruel, have this power to make me feel otherwise. I really want to get past caring if his opinion of me.

@Doesitgeteasierthanthis

I need to listen to friends and family that I am good enough and somehow learn to believe it

This is the problem. Have a read about validation. External and internal. Family and friends and this man can all think what they like of you, positive or negative. This isn't about that.

This is about what you think of you, and how you feel you want to be treated. Other people's opinions of you are irrelevant, and as soon as you start to 'listen to' the good ones, you make other people's opinions of you matter. Once other people's opinions matter to you, negative ones matter, too.

You are not faulty. There is nothing wrong with you. Any of us could meet someone who would put us down, make us feel like crap, de-prioritise us, etc. The fact that you met someone cruel isn't your fault, any more than a bystander who gets punched by mistake in a fight. The problem is that you don't walk away when things turn unpleasant. And that's how to fix this. You don't have to 'do loads of work on yourself' (because you're not broken), you don't have to 'listen to what people tell you' (because it varies, for you, and for everybody) You have to take responsibility for yourself. This is just like being responsible for a child. You don't teach a child to work out, with their bully, exactly what they did wrong to deserve the bullying. You don't encourage the child to engage with negative opinions of them, or with meanness. You encourage the child to not take the cruel words and actions to heart, and to not place themselves at the mercy of the bully. Basically, 'keep away from those nasty kids'. This is what you need to promise to do for yourself. Stay away from the mean boy. He doesn't know better than you, or anybody else, about who you are. He has no authority or power or control over you, and cruel behaviour says everything about the perpetrator and nothing about the victim.

Recognising that you are responsible for your own wellbeing, and that you have to look after not just what you eat and how much exercise you get, but your whole self, including the company you keep, how to make yourself feel good, how to make your life just like you want it etc, is a massive realisation. It's up to you. There are no 'rights' and 'wrongs', because there is no authority (other than the law). We can all treat each other cruelly, or kindly, or anything in between, with impunity. And so, as individuals, it is up to us to select what makes us feel good in life, and to de-select what makes us feel bad.

Take charge. He is gone. What would make you feel good today? A walk? A film? A friend? Minstrels? Music? A cafe? A book? Think of all the things in the world that make you feel good. Write them down in a list. Do them over and over, as much as you can, for a week. See how you feel after that week. Do it for a month, and see if life is improving. This whole problem is simply about you learning to choose things that feel good for you. Allow yourself your recovery time. Nurture yourself, and do not leave yourself prey to more ill treatment in the meantime. That's the only work you have to do, and it looks forward. You never have to look back.

Brilliant op.
Now each night write those lovely things down that are being said about you.
After see how you feel
But do this constantly

I would look at what my values and priorities in life are and then compare whether it's you or him that is living in alignment to them.
My biggest insecurities growing up centred around appearance and it helped me realise it's not about what I looked like when I read stories about celebrities that are literal goddesses of beauty being cheated on with far less attractive women. It wasn't even for their shining personality, either. They could have been anyone as far as the cheater was concerned because there are men who have an insatiable pit of insecurity that urges them to keep getting sexual validation from new women.
Frankly, I would understand blaming oneself over a clean break up rather than for someone cheating. Cheating is cowardly, they would have never played by the rules no matter what you'd done to keep them happy. Cheating is a choice between a person and their own morals. When someone doesn't cheat it's not because they love you too much, it's because they aren't this type of person they wouldn't allow themselves to cheat.

The choice to be cruel or unfaithful comes down to the perpetrator. There are always other options but they choose cheating because they can justify it in their own head, they bend morality and rules to their benefit, they are deeply selfish and entitled at the core, can bend any rule or logic to make it suit their narrative.

It was never about you. It's who he is. Losing him is a gift.

This is about what you think of you, and how you feel you want to be treated. Other people's opinions of you are irrelevant, and as soon as you start to 'listen to' the good ones, you make other people's opinions of you matter. Once other people's opinions matter to you, negative ones matter, too.

Not sure I'd agree
We listen to our inner voice
Good and bad.
And believe it.
You need to reprogram
I have successfully done this.

By replacing negative thoughts with positive

For example I use to say I'm not this or I'm not the other.

Not I say -

Good morning beautiful

You've got this.

You can do this.

Feeling good is important

See the difference?

And don't fool yourself

People need validation

Unless of course you are Buddhist monk having done years of training

I'm not there yet and neither is op

So focus on the positive
Get your thoughts in a good place.

I think what @Watchkeys is saying is we need to get to a point where what we think about ourselves is enough and we don't need the external validation. I've been having a period of time recently where I've been going over old situations in my head and cringing and feeling shame about past behaviours. I've decided this weekend I have to be kinder to myself and forgive myself and be my own best friend. I have to remember I was doing what I felt was the best thing in the situation at the time and that my intentions have always been good. I'm having to reframe thoughts when they pop up. No one else saying 'homefry is a good person's can do this for me in the moment unfortunately!

Therapy therapy therapy
lots of self help

in the simplest terms possible you attached yourself to a weak cheat , that’s the problem
He’s also clearly a shit father which is deeply unattractive

and will be a shit partner to these women too
its how’s he’s made

its not you , it’s him
this will hit your ego of course x

but time will pass and you want to get to a place where you are emotionally stronger and can see him for how weak he is

And you will be able to see that moment when he shows his colours and wish you had walked earlier x

But healing and getting strong again isn’t easy

I guess I did not word that very well myself. You are right and I shouldn’t need the validation from others. If I look back on my life I have always felt not good enough is the truth. Lacking in confidence and being myself. I want to feel I am enough and love myself for who I am.

It does hurt me that his girlfriend called me abusive and he was justified in his behaviour as she has voiced. I know it shouldn’t. It should not matter a jot because I know deep down that I am a good and loving person and would never even comprehend treating another how he did me. That’s what I need to get past. I need to stop caring of their opinions of me.

His behaviour is a reflection on him, not you.

No-one needs to cheat on anyone.

It does hurt me that his girlfriend called me abusive

Lol

Och somebody has no critical thinking skills.

Im embarrassed for her.

She'll probably learn the hard way.

Your young kids are your priority op.

Have only the absolutely necessary contact for them.

Who needs to deal with a serial adulterer scumb and his latest (very dumb and deluded sounding) "partner".

What a heel - I hope he’s paying what he owes for his children.

And as for what that random woman said - who cares? She’s hardly a neutral bystander who can be trusted - her opinion is worthless.

i found the Dr Julie Smith books very helpful.

It worked for me and has for many others, @TammyJonesYou don't have to agree, and I don't have to agree with your way, which, as you say, has not yet fully worked for you.

Yes, I see the difference.

@Doesitgeteasierthanthis

If you want to love you for who you are, then do that. Your whole 'I need to change myself' ethos is the problem. You need to accept that when hurtful people do hurtful things, it hurts. And so, you are hurting, because that's the natural thing to do. What do you do when your children are hurting? Tell them that they're doing stuff wrong, and that they need to change themselves, or soothe them, be kind and loving towards them, and let the learning from the experience come later, in it's own time?

his girlfriend called me abusive and he was justified in his behaviour

seriously she is thick as shit , and most likely grew up around male toxic behaviour so thinks your ex is normal
when he’s clearly toxic

any woman with a few brain cells would suss him out !
left his kids 🚩
says his ex is abusive 🚩
but wants to fuck his pain away with multiple women 🚩

It does hurt me that his girlfriend called me abusive and he was justified in his behaviour as she has voiced

Why does her opinion matter to you? Is she some sort of respected expert in character analysis? Because you are giving her opinion of you precedence over your opinion of you. What she thinks is affecting you more than what you think.

Why is her opinion of you so important to you? Who is she to you?

In all honestly I think the extreme gaslighting had me questioning if I was in fact abusive and as awful as they said. They made me feel like I was going crazy and have rewritten history and the extreme lies. I guess it all stems back to low self esteem.

do you not realise that it makes her look good to keep the narrative that you're abusive to justify their affair?
why do you care what someone with low morals and frankly stupid thinks of you? I can understand if this is the opinion of someone you looked up to but his other woman? lol of course he told her you're the devil incarnate. I would pity the stupid fool and focus on my kids and self. You really need self esteem help.