How do we split up when living together?

[HelenHen]

We've been married 13 years. Kids are primary/secondary age. We have a massive mortgage. He earns three times what i do and has access to three times the savings i do. We've tolerated each other this long but I just can't put him with him anymore. It's constant abuse and negativity, sometimes in front of the kids. Sometimes out of nowhere. He hasn't been violent but he's physical Sometimes (like holding a door open that I'm trying to close or keeping too much of the blanket and I'm cold)

Today he was going on about me being greedy for eating a tub of pringles. There are more pringles in the house. I'm a grown up. Surely I can eat as many pringles as I want On a Saturday night with a glass of wine? Yes it's greedy but it's none of his business right? He went on and on about me being greedy in front of the kids. They tried to back me up and I just said they don't need to get involved.

We do have a large spare room so I can move in there, but how do we sort everything else? Ideally I'd like to sell the house and move somewhere smaller.

I just don't know where to start. I'm scared because I know finances will be horrible. What is the first step? I haven't even liked him for years. I need to get out. Please help!

The first step is to put your finances in order. How much is your house worth? Are you entitled to anything if you divorce and sell?

You can move into a spare room temporarily but this isn’t going to solve your problems.

It is a scary thought now and most likely you will have to downsize your life but it is doable.

House is worth about 600k with remaining mortgage being 363k. He has a sizeable pension too. I know that would give me a great starting pot but I'm 44 and earn 2k a month. It's unlikely I could earn much more than that. I know compared to some that's a lot but I wouldn't be entitled to any help or benefits. He earns around 100k.

Everything we have is in both of our names, except his pension.

I know financially long term I'd probably be OK. I have 3k savings in my account. That wouldn't last till the divorce comes through. How does it work? How much would I need to start out. Should I even leave the house? He definitely won't.

Before you do anything speak to someone who specialises in divorce. They will let you know what you will be entitled too. I would say for your health you will need to leave if he doesn’t.

I was in your boat too, I had to live with my ex for 5 months after we split. For me it was just me holding VERY firm boundaries. He kept trying to push for physical contact through hugging and I just said no, because I knew that wasn't actually what he wanted. He just wanted to weedle his way back into a relationship and have me forget about leaving him. I got him to sleep in a different room from me, I arranged to be at work or out with a friend whenever he was home from work and I'd leave him with the kids. He worked more than me so it wasn't that often, but still much more time to myself than I ever got when we were together. I made it clear he'd be responsible for his own laundry, food, washing up, etc and that we're just housemates now. In reality he didn't do his laundry or any housework at all. After 5 months of it I got tired of him screaming in my face every single day and treating me badly, and trying to manipulate me all the time and I packed our bags and left. Start looking for houses ASAP if he's not going to move out, join the housing list if you need to, I did and I signed the first house I viewed just so I could leave.
We weren't married though, and we didn't own the house, we also had no savings so there wasn't anything for me to lose. If you've got property, savings, etc then maybe speaking to a lawyer would be helpful. If you've still got access to any joint money I'd probably take half of it and put it in your own account, and make sure he has no access to your bank.

Sorry just read the rest of you comments, remember when you leave you can claim CMS too. Just do directly through collect and pay so you don't have to rely on him being on time or reminding him. I don't know how many kids you've got, but I just put 2 and based on his income if he has them just under half the time you'll get £648pm from him for that.

The house is yours too so he'd have to pay you out to keep it if he doesn't want to sell it.

I only made £300pm when I was planning on leaving my ex, because I only worked part time because we had a baby under 1.
I had access to all the money though because it was my job to pay bills, get food shopping and handle all the finances. So I often transfered money over to my account and put it into savings so I could afford basics when I finally left him. It wasn't much though, it just helped towards me carpeting my house (which my parents paid half of).
If you have the ability to just put some of the joint money aside (if you have any) then definitely do, as much as you can to see you through the divorce at least, and help you get a moving van, house deposit if you'll be renting instead of buying. Citazens advice will be able to help you with any of the legal financial stuff

Thank you. He knows how much I have in my accounts but doesn't have access. I have access to his account but there's a maximum daily limit and he checks it daily so i cant really filter some out til we're equal. He pays most of the bills out of his and some of the food. I've cut back my additional spending to 0 though so I can build my savings.

I will speak to somebody. I have access to afree legal/relationship advice helpline through work.

Things escalated a bit today. He was taking one child out. I told the other one we'd get a takeaway and watch a movie. He told her to find out when I'd be getting the takeaway. I told him to sort himself out. He then came in the room and said 'if that's how it's going to be, I'm going to block your access to my bank account'. He went out. I transferred £900 to my account. He just messaged me saying to transfer it back or there'll be trouble, that I can't take his money like that. I'm scared now about what he will do next.

Tell a family member or friend or call the police if you don't feel safe. He is trying to bully you. Keep any texts or calls as evidence. Good luck.

Move into the spare room and contact a solicitor on Monday. And as pp said, if you’re scared you ring the police.
Don’t let him intimidate you, you have rights. Keep the money until you’ve spoken to the solicitor.

And get screen shots of all the bank accounts that you can.

Thanks, yes he cut off my access. I didn't get screenshots. He's come home now

Hope you are OK OP?

OP how are you? I’ve just found your thread and in a similar situation, albeit different reasons why. Hope you’re ok

Thank you. I'm OK for now. He launched a load of veiled threats at me and said we'd split up if this went on. I said we will anyway. He'd recently given up smoking and always gets like this when he does. So he went out and had a cigarette and seems to have calmed down. He then cooked for the kids and sent DD to me with some food (we didnt get the takeaway obviously), so that's his way of saying sorry I guess.

Either way I can't go on like this. I dont even care anymore so there's no anger or tears on my part. I'm sitting in a different room just waiting for him to come and have a go at me.

I'm sorry TTCm. Hope you're OK too.

Hope you’re OK OP. See a solicitor re finances next week to give you a good idea. You can usually get a good rate for first initial meeting where they will give you a basic idea. Take all your financial information so even if it’s just figures in your head for now (although try to get copies or screen shots of anything you can without him knowing). Things like debts/mortgage/savings. They usually run through things like assets etc cars, jewellery. They know their stuff. Just gather what you can.

I’m sure there will be other more knowledgeable folk on here also with good advice.

Just stay safe. Do your best not to alert him to things you are doing, if possible.

It’s a very brave move to leave a marriage and I just wanted to say this is a good place to ask but essentially you will need a solicitor.

Thank you. I just realised I do have some of his bank statements downloaded. I need to find a pension statement if there's one. He's definitely calmed down now but I'm just walking on eggshells. It's horrible.

I will definitely talk to a solicitor. I need to try and get some kind of a life back.

When you stop caring, you know it’s over.

I stopped caring a long time ago. I've just been too scared to make the change. I'm not from here so I don't have much of a support network. We have a big fancy house, but we can't afford the upkeep and I'm unable to keep it clean becausei work full time too. Everything we do as a family is his choice, unless I fight for something I want. I'm just tired of it all.

Take it one day at a time, gather what financial documents you can, see a solicitor (pay cash if you can if you share bank accounts) and remember you might feel worn down now but there will be a day when you’re free of it. Fancy houses don’t matter. A home can be small, but filled with peace and love. In the thick of it - when it’s awful, imagine waking up with no eggshells and your life your own. It will give you the strength and determination to get through this.

Please see a matrimonial solicitor before you do or say anything more. Things will become clearer when you know where you stand financially.

It sounds an awful environment of insults and threats. The physical intimidation is dreadful too.

Meanwhile if I were you I would avoid any conflicts and arguments (what’s the point?).

See a solicitor. He sounds like he might be a vengeful type financially, so you need to get your ducks in a row. Keep quiet and plan. Keep your cards close to your chest.

Am going though something similar right now OP. If you need someone to talk to please do message me!. Sounds like this is financially doable for you. I am downsizing considerably but I figure to have a place of my own where I can live in peace is preferable to somewhere where I walk on eggshells all the time and don't feel comfortable.

You can do this. You have to remember it will be really hard temporarily and then it wil be permanently better!. Don't leave the home until you have spoken to a solicitor.

And when you are on your own for the first night in your new home & breathing a massive sigh of relief, don't forget to eat a ridiculous amount of Pringles 😊 xx

Get legal advice and get copies of everything you can lay your hands on. Shares, savings, pensions, premium bonds.

As you are married, broadly speaking, everything in his savings accounts is a joint asset, so please don’t worry too much.

He might get nasty once he realises you hold a lot more cards than he thought, so try to keep all communication through solicitors. It’s a horrible thing to go through, but the relief you will feel makes it all worthwhile.

Yes, he has said previously that if we split we'll sell the house, split it 50/50 and that will be that. I don't think he has a clue how much more there is. But I don't plan on letting him know.

Thank you. I hope all goes well for you too. I will eat ALL the pringles on my first night 😆

I've had a good sleep (in the spare room) and taken a deep breath. Today I'm going to focus on moving all of my stuff to the spare room and cleaning it and making it nice so I can at least have somewhere to think... that's mine!

I will get the documents when I can.

I would keep any of your financial documents in a place he doesn’t have access as well . Change passwords etc. Keep looking for that pension information