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Original poster

How do we split up when living together?

33 replies

HelenHen · 11/11/2023 13:14

We've been married 13 years. Kids are primary/secondary age. We have a massive mortgage. He earns three times what i do and has access to three times the savings i do. We've tolerated each other this long but I just can't put him with him anymore. It's constant abuse and negativity, sometimes in front of the kids. Sometimes out of nowhere. He hasn't been violent but he's physical Sometimes (like holding a door open that I'm trying to close or keeping too much of the blanket and I'm cold)

Today he was going on about me being greedy for eating a tub of pringles. There are more pringles in the house. I'm a grown up. Surely I can eat as many pringles as I want On a Saturday night with a glass of wine? Yes it's greedy but it's none of his business right? He went on and on about me being greedy in front of the kids. They tried to back me up and I just said they don't need to get involved.

We do have a large spare room so I can move in there, but how do we sort everything else? Ideally I'd like to sell the house and move somewhere smaller.

I just don't know where to start. I'm scared because I know finances will be horrible. What is the first step? I haven't even liked him for years. I need to get out. Please help!

OP posts:
Changednayme · 12/11/2023 12:15

You could try to remember why you married eachother in the first place. When you’ve been married that long you can have more resentment and arguments but you should work something out and get time for yourselves again

SheilaFentiman · 12/11/2023 12:18

Good idea to move to the spare room and have physical space.

I take it you have no joint account? So when you want to buy eg coats for the kids, do you transfer it to yourself from his account and tell him it’s for coats? If so, does he actually check the amount, can you take an extra tenner here and there? Or if it’s on a joint credit card, can you get away with buying vouchers when you shop and keeping them safe for bits and bobs.

I realise he earns over the threshold for child benefit but you can claim it and him pay it back through the tax code. Look into that
.

Original poster
HelenHen · 12/11/2023 14:27

Changednayme · 12/11/2023 12:15

You could try to remember why you married eachother in the first place. When you’ve been married that long you can have more resentment and arguments but you should work something out and get time for yourselves again

Nice idea, but honestly that ship has sailed. I think I knew even on honeymoon that it had been a mistake. We've been mostly OK and struggled through, but I've wanted to leave many times. The face that he cuts off my access to the finances because I told him to sort himself out for food. Hrs done it before too, when I didn't have enough in my account.

OP posts:
Original poster
HelenHen · 12/11/2023 14:29

SheilaFentiman · 12/11/2023 12:18

Good idea to move to the spare room and have physical space.

I take it you have no joint account? So when you want to buy eg coats for the kids, do you transfer it to yourself from his account and tell him it’s for coats? If so, does he actually check the amount, can you take an extra tenner here and there? Or if it’s on a joint credit card, can you get away with buying vouchers when you shop and keeping them safe for bits and bobs.

I realise he earns over the threshold for child benefit but you can claim it and him pay it back through the tax code. Look into that
.

Most of the bills go out of his account. So I pay for anything else, like when the kids need clothes, shoes, etc. If I'd ran out of money I would just transfer from his. He's cut me off now though so I am where I am

OP posts:
AltheaVestr1t · 12/11/2023 14:35

I have just done this and I've been in my little rental for a week today! It's so peaceful!
Honestly, once you get going the actual moving bit is not as bad as you think.
You need to decide what you are doing with the house. If it's putting it on the market, do that first, or your STBXH might decide he wants to stay in it for now, which actually makes things easier in the short term because you can just find a rental and move out. Make a list of all bills in your name and cancel them or transfer to your partner. Your partner should give you half of whatever cash is in the joint account, but if he doesn't don't worry, it will all come out in the wash. Apply for benefits.
Just make a giant list of things to do (or a kanban board, if you are familiar with those), do the most important one first and keep going!
Good luck.

Original poster
HelenHen · 12/11/2023 17:52

AltheaVestr1t · 12/11/2023 14:35

I have just done this and I've been in my little rental for a week today! It's so peaceful!
Honestly, once you get going the actual moving bit is not as bad as you think.
You need to decide what you are doing with the house. If it's putting it on the market, do that first, or your STBXH might decide he wants to stay in it for now, which actually makes things easier in the short term because you can just find a rental and move out. Make a list of all bills in your name and cancel them or transfer to your partner. Your partner should give you half of whatever cash is in the joint account, but if he doesn't don't worry, it will all come out in the wash. Apply for benefits.
Just make a giant list of things to do (or a kanban board, if you are familiar with those), do the most important one first and keep going!
Good luck.

Thank you, and well done you xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
HelenHen · 12/11/2023 21:57

We had a long chat tonight. He's pretty broken and knows he's totally f'd up. He apologised several times and knows he was out of line. He will put me back on the account in the morning. He did the shop and cooked dinner. I'm staying in the spare room until ive figured out what im doing!

I'm glad things are back to civil because we do work well together for the kids, but that's it really. There's nothing between us. There's been no intimacy for years. I do everything alone or with the kids. He won't even come to a wedding with me. It's embarrassing at times.

OP posts:
NutellaNut · 13/11/2023 08:30

It’s good that he’s calmed down and you are back on speaking terms, but don’t stop planning your escape route. As soon as he realises what you’re planning, he will likely cut you off again, so get screenshots or copies of any paperwork now as you will need it. Get legal advice too.

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