Can it ever work?

[pinkglass9]

I have namechanged. Very long post.

Firstly let me start by saying my confidence is very low and im very self concious and sensitive as a person, so please think before responding.

I split up with my first boyfriend - love of my life, 13 years ago. It broke me and im ashamed to say i rebounded (second person i ever slept with) and I fell pregnant with a short term boyfriend about a year later, we split while pregnant. I have parented alone from day one and he contributes nothing depsite me and my family trying to facilitate it.

Fast forward to 2021, i bump into love of my lifes cousin. We had a polite catch up and we said bye. He obviously told my ex and something about upcoming plans i mentioned to the friend.

My ex shows up alone to 'say hello' to me at my event. We hug and catch up and swap numbers.

I called everyone in my phone that night to tell them i saw him, i was so so happy to have seen him again.

We start to go out to eat, call eachother for catch ups etc. one night i was child free and he was nearby so he popped over for food. We ended up sleeping together.

This is where the mess begins.

We start to see eachother more, sometimes go out, sometimes movie night and stay in. Im just so content to be in his company, i feel excited everytime i hear from him.

We dont have arguements but he is very moody, smokes alot of weed now and can blow hot and cold. I am by nature a people please and i am very good at overlooking terrible behaviour to save an atmosphere.

2 years later we're still doing the same thing and i mention maybe giving things a proper go and getting back together. He ignores me for a couple days and says that he cant move past that I had a child after we broke up and he also doesnt want a woman who has a child as its 'beneath him'. He wants a nuclear family. I said i had a child with the wrong person and i cant change that.

Heartbreaking to me. I wait on him hand and foot, i look at him like a disney princess looks at the prince (despite his many flaws) i am so considerate of him, tbh im obsessed and so in love with him.

We part ways after that conversation and have a 5 month no contact.

Then i get a phonecall saying he misses me and loves me and im the best woman, nobody can compare. He looked for a woman like me throughout our years long split and never found better. He says he doesnt want to not have me in his life.

We started seeing eachother again, very emotional and like it always is.

He will never leave me be, he will never stop contacting me, but ultimately i have a child that he doesnt want in his picture. They havent met btw.

We love eachother alot but i feel like he punishes me for something that happened 12/13 years ago while we werent together.

We cant stay apart but obviously he wont commit to me either.

In the 5 month break, i had to go onto antidepressants, barely got out of bed, cried everyday. To have him back felt europhic to me. He told me he dated in that time but his heart is only with me and he cant move on from me.

Even throughout the last decade, i spoke about him weekly, thought about him constantly and always missed him. I feel like he wants to be with me but the 'but' is my child. I also feel like if he did try with me, he would do things to upset me to 'get me back' for having a child. He says another woman with a child wouldnt be as big of a blow, but because its me, it hurts him. Its like he will wake up with me, kiss me and be lovely and almost like a switch goes off in his head, he turns cold and i think he is thinking about me having a baby and he gets horrible towards me.

If he had 5 children, i would take them as my own, he has a niece who he adores (ive not met) and i always send gifts to her via him. I ask how she is everyday and i genuinely care about her because she is his niece.

He has just left my house now and he was very cold after a really lovely evening and i feel really sad again. I dont want anyone but him. I have no interest in anyone else, if its not him, its not anyone. But im being deluded arent i? I feel like im hanging around for him to change his mind.

If he doesnt want me now, he never will, will he?

Both 33 years old.

Please be gentle.

You need therapy. A lot of therapy.

No, it is never going to work out with him. He doesn't love you, and he isn't a good guy. He just likes being fawned on. He likes your fluffing of his ego.

What you need to work out for yourself is why you think so little of yourself that you would tolerate any of this. Why you would convince yourself that you are so "in love" with a not very nice man who treats you very badly. That's the important question here.

He’s told you clearly what he wants and doesn’t want and that includes you having a child which isn’t his. He’s also told you what he thinks of your behaviour, especially after you broke up. Why on earth you’d want to be with someone who thinks like that is beyond me.

He won’t change his mind.

Block and delete him and don’t see him again.

You are addicted to this man. The longer you are with him the harder it is to ween yourself off him.

Your child is non negotiable.

I feel so sorry for you, but you clearly know this isn't going to work. You answered all your own questions in your post.

If you were my friend I'd tell you it's so obvious that he's placemarking you, and that he seems to have a lot of issues that are absolutely not yours to fix. I also think you're right that he will try to 'get you back' repeatedly and in small ways, forever. I think you'd have a lifetime of regular mini breakups. I also think this guy sounds like terrible news for your DC -imagone having both a biological father AND your mum's BF not wanting you and what that'd do to your self esteem growing up.

I have friends who have been single mothers with no help and I have seen them go onto marry the true loves of their lives who love their DC like their own.

I wouldn't let this guy placemark you any longer because all the time he's either stringing you along or breaking up temporarily and leaving you depressed for months -all that time is time you're not available to meet someone who actually loves you without caveats.

I think you need a clean break, this man is using you and playing on your emotions to get what he wants. He doesn't want a relationship with you because if he did then he would not be giving you the excuse of you having a son. He's using something that can't be changed. You deserve better and your son deserves better. You can't continue with a relationship where your son isn't welcome. He's telling you he can't get over this yet you jeep hoping he will but if he does how do you know he won't treat your son like crap down the line like he is to you now just for being born. Do they have a relationship now?
You've completely romanticised this relationship. Why did you split up all those years ago?

I have spoken to my friends about this but i am quite private. My most inner thoughts are 'if my son were to jump around early on a saturday morning, id be scared of my ex's reaction' or i feel like he would leave for someone with no children. My son is also more of an academic/ introvert whereas i feel like my ex would look down on this as he's more inclined for boys to be sporty and boisterous. He doesnt realise he may have a child like this one day but because its my child, i think he would feel that way.

My child is my life and i have never had a partner since he was born. Dated someone for 6 months but i just live for my son. I just wanted some source of happiness for me like a relationship and the one i want wont accept me.

He has had plenty of sexual relationships in our time apart and i have had 2. I said to him he has sex which can result in children, mine resulted in a child and thats that but he wont accept it.

I guess my answer is there..

I just wanted him to love me and realise that it wasnt to hurt him. It was over a year later and we only split because he was messaging other women at work.

Ive tried to love him into loving me and i believe he does. Just not enough. I have romanticised it, you're right.

Thank you girls for your views x

My son has had the pleasure of the best life a child can have. I have truly dedicated my life to being a brilliant mum to him. He has never seen me with a partner and has never experienced a house with an atmosphere. He deserves everything. I just wanted a relationship and when he came back into my life i felt like it could work this time.

I have much much more to overlook with my ex but for him to say im beneath him is really hurtful. I know he is speaking from a place of hurt deep down and knows i am a very good partner to have. I just feel like its a shame.

"He ignores me for a couple days and says that he cant move past that I had a child after we broke up and he also doesnt want a woman who has a child as its 'beneath him".

Please read this a few times. Put your child first and as other pp suggests get yourself therapy, the best money you'll ever spend or self refer through employers occupational health. You deserve better and your child has a right to grow up cherished, he will never do this. He will want to 'sire' his own child and your little one will be pushed out. You know it.

Hello.

I do feel for you, poor you xxx

BUT you said something very revealing to me - you initially split up because he was messaging other women at work.

Aha thought I - he just wasn't that into you. He cheated, you left, now he gets to come and go, see more other people than you do, and generally not care as much as you do.

What YOU are not seeing is that this guy is not your personal ideal.

You may think he is, but he clearly is not.

Your ideal man ADORES you alone and the idea of messaging other women is so far from his head.

You need to reframe this current ex - this man is not good, his calibre of love for YOU is not there, and he is wasting your time and your heart.

To further help you along that road of thought, I raise you this idea -

You have been busy being an excellent and loving mother - you have had a half and half relationship with this man in the meantime - someone to fall asleep thinking of, something to ruminate over - half in, half out, never the real thing, because you did not have time. But it kept you arm at night, and it was so perfect because it came out of your head, not reality. Your projection.

(I do this myself, keep myself warm with half and half. Well I used to, not now.)

Your son will grow and leave soon - now you get to have the real thing.

Enjoy x put this one to bed and go find the real thing xxx

Your poor son.

The "mistake" you made 13 years ago wasn't a mistake, it was your son.

You spent 5 months unable to get out of bed etc because an ex dumped you.

Do you reckon if you hold out a few years you can push him off to Uni and pretend he's not in the picture?

God god's sake don't get pregnant by this selfish dick.

You need serious serious therapy.

If he was the love of you life why did you break up in the first place? IF he was the love of you life tell me why he’d treat you this way? He wasn’t the one for you. This man has already told you he doesn’t want you, that you are beneath him!

You can not have a moody weed smoker around your child, well not if you want them to have a happy home life. He doesn’t like your child, hates the fact you have a child with another man and that will never change.

No it will never work. All you’d achieve is hurting yourself and giving your child trauma for the years ahead. Please do yourself a favour and get rid of this man for good.

I feel like a liability and i have to make up for something that happened during a 13 year break. Like i had 10 kids with 10 men and im now saying 'take them all and see them as your own' i would never expect anything but kindess to my son.

I now feel like thats what everyone thinks of me, some scumbag woman with a child.

I own my own house and car outright, i have savings, i am such a good mum and friend, i look after myself and i love people so much, i do anything for anyone. He says i am everything he wants but he's upset 😞

@something2say thank you for your kind words and understanding. I appreicate it x

What it looks like to me is - he wanted the sanctity of having yours and his first baby together but that cannot be because you did it with someone else.

Completely horrible way to look at it - especially as he caused the split by being unfaithful.

Stop thinking in his narrative.

You are a good woman as you say, you have no glaring problems or issues, you're doing OK.

He is twisting it while letting you off the hook, because he cheated and that's not being discussed is it?

be careful when you have anything to do with him, for he has got it all muddled and you engaging with him will keep it muddled in your mind too, but sit is straight forward really. He ain't your ideal man, he can't be, if he has these double standards that mean you are the loser in the story.

I almost feel like the way he feels, that i cheated on him and am demanding he takes the child as his. Like that call the midwife episode where the womans husband is away at war and she gets pregnant. I feel like i cant say anything when he's horrible as he's 'doing me a favour' being seen as such a liability. Its knocked my confidence massively and while i can spend my life being on 'best behaviour' so as to not rock the boat. I shouldnt have to even though he feels i should.

He messaged other woman, slept with women while we were on bad terms, he attacked my brother years ago during an argument with me, he is bad with money, he is vain. But i still love him. And he cant love me because of a lovely, polite, innocent child.

How are you going to manage your love for him then, given the cost benefit assessment you can see?

@something2say its just hard because he doesnt ever leave me alone. Ive changed numbers before, he'll turn up to my house or work. He can be very thoughtful and kind but he just doesnt want me fully ultimately.

No contact #1000 starting now

How old is your child?

How much of what happens to your emotional state because of this 'man' affects your child?

Please, please cut it off. Completely. You have already wasted so much of your life for someone who does not value you at all.

Walk away.

This man makes you feel apologetic for having your son.

He makes you feel like you need to feel sorry/ashamed/regretful for having your son!

Run a mile and then run a bit more. Never feel like you have to apologise for having your son.

Your son sounds lovely btw. You are blessed.

Cut this man off and learn to reframe your thinking about him. He is not the love of your life. He may be sexy as hell but he is not a nice person and he doesn't love you. So be strong and move forward without him.

Pinkglass, he would happily keep you on for every lonely night he ever has. It could be your life. You could spend the coin of your life, your youth, your fresh heart full of love, on this half measure and end up at 60 having never had a long peaceful loving relationship, and he has of course picked you up a million times, and put you down again at his whim.

It's going to be up to you to safeguard yourself - up to YOU - he is not going to do it for you. he likes this. He gets to come round anytime for that intensity of feeling.

You must be very creative in your safeguarding - dodge if he turns up, pretend your phone is buzzing and disappear to answer it and just keep walking - delete and don't read any messages - be disciplined in your mind when you being to fantasise about him - make a list of crimes and attitudes he holds, things he has done to hurt the relationship, keep them nearby, and suffer through the hurt.

This is not your ideal man x

You're a mother, not a lovesick teenager, so act like one and stop this absolute nonsense!

Cut him off and block him.

You sound absolutely lovely and very together in lots of ways. I think you've done everything right, bar your addiction to this weed smoking womaniser. Once he is properly out of your life I'd be willing to bet the right person will come along, someone who will adore you and treat you well. And your son sounds fantastic.

My son is honestly an angel. I am constantly praised by his school since he was in reception, he is 11 now. He is top of every subject and wins kindness awards nearly weekly. His reports are gleaming and he is the sweetest soul. He is so emotionally intelligent and luckily i have a great group of brothers who do the boy stuff with him. He cares about the tiny bird with a broken wing, or the kid sitting alone but he is funny as hell and so talented. He's currently learning a 3rd language and grade 4 piano. He is so well rounded and a pleasure to have. I have never had to tell him off past the toddler 'no' phase. I look at him sometimes recently and feel so sad that i love someone who feels like this towards him and doesnt even know my son. But then i have a man ive been in love with since i was 15 saying he adores and loves me, sends me money and helps with 'man things' around my house. Holds me all night, we laugh for hours and still have such a bond after so many years, who also wont leave me alone.

Hearing people on here say my son sounds lovely has made me burst into tears. I feel so bad that the only person i wanted to be with has these feelings towards him via me.