Can it ever work?

[pinkglass9]

I have namechanged. Very long post.

Firstly let me start by saying my confidence is very low and im very self concious and sensitive as a person, so please think before responding.

I split up with my first boyfriend - love of my life, 13 years ago. It broke me and im ashamed to say i rebounded (second person i ever slept with) and I fell pregnant with a short term boyfriend about a year later, we split while pregnant. I have parented alone from day one and he contributes nothing depsite me and my family trying to facilitate it.

Fast forward to 2021, i bump into love of my lifes cousin. We had a polite catch up and we said bye. He obviously told my ex and something about upcoming plans i mentioned to the friend.

My ex shows up alone to 'say hello' to me at my event. We hug and catch up and swap numbers.

I called everyone in my phone that night to tell them i saw him, i was so so happy to have seen him again.

We start to go out to eat, call eachother for catch ups etc. one night i was child free and he was nearby so he popped over for food. We ended up sleeping together.

This is where the mess begins.

We start to see eachother more, sometimes go out, sometimes movie night and stay in. Im just so content to be in his company, i feel excited everytime i hear from him.

We dont have arguements but he is very moody, smokes alot of weed now and can blow hot and cold. I am by nature a people please and i am very good at overlooking terrible behaviour to save an atmosphere.

2 years later we're still doing the same thing and i mention maybe giving things a proper go and getting back together. He ignores me for a couple days and says that he cant move past that I had a child after we broke up and he also doesnt want a woman who has a child as its 'beneath him'. He wants a nuclear family. I said i had a child with the wrong person and i cant change that.

Heartbreaking to me. I wait on him hand and foot, i look at him like a disney princess looks at the prince (despite his many flaws) i am so considerate of him, tbh im obsessed and so in love with him.

We part ways after that conversation and have a 5 month no contact.

Then i get a phonecall saying he misses me and loves me and im the best woman, nobody can compare. He looked for a woman like me throughout our years long split and never found better. He says he doesnt want to not have me in his life.

We started seeing eachother again, very emotional and like it always is.

He will never leave me be, he will never stop contacting me, but ultimately i have a child that he doesnt want in his picture. They havent met btw.

We love eachother alot but i feel like he punishes me for something that happened 12/13 years ago while we werent together.

We cant stay apart but obviously he wont commit to me either.

In the 5 month break, i had to go onto antidepressants, barely got out of bed, cried everyday. To have him back felt europhic to me. He told me he dated in that time but his heart is only with me and he cant move on from me.

Even throughout the last decade, i spoke about him weekly, thought about him constantly and always missed him. I feel like he wants to be with me but the 'but' is my child. I also feel like if he did try with me, he would do things to upset me to 'get me back' for having a child. He says another woman with a child wouldnt be as big of a blow, but because its me, it hurts him. Its like he will wake up with me, kiss me and be lovely and almost like a switch goes off in his head, he turns cold and i think he is thinking about me having a baby and he gets horrible towards me.

If he had 5 children, i would take them as my own, he has a niece who he adores (ive not met) and i always send gifts to her via him. I ask how she is everyday and i genuinely care about her because she is his niece.

He has just left my house now and he was very cold after a really lovely evening and i feel really sad again. I dont want anyone but him. I have no interest in anyone else, if its not him, its not anyone. But im being deluded arent i? I feel like im hanging around for him to change his mind.

If he doesnt want me now, he never will, will he?

Both 33 years old.

Please be gentle.

He's insecure and jealous of your son.

Cut It Off.

Your son sounds adorable -

Woman have children and raise children - you are doing a great job, don’t let this man undermine your parenting and stop justifying your lift to him.

Teenage love is highly romanticised, it’s a form of infatuation. As a grown woman though you know it’s not all flowers and hearts - he speaks down to you, says you’re beneath him, can’t see how well you’ve done in raising a lovely boy on your own, while also securing your financial future.

He doesn’t love you. I couldn’t imagine telling someone they were beneath me, much less someone I loved.

You sound amazing, why on Earth make yourself smaller for someone who is cruel to you and is a bit of a stoner. While you’re waiting for him you’re missing a man who will see you for your amazing self and will love the child you’ve raised.

You have built a fantasy around this guy as 'the one' and your true love, and you need to work very hard on letting reality replace it.

Objectively, what is it about a guy who rejects your child, plays mind games with you to gaslight you into thinking having your child was a betrayal of him, picks you up when he hasn't found anyone better, while saying you are 'beneath him' because you have your lovely son, uses your circumstances as an excuse to avoid commitment, has a weed habit....what is it about this guy that makes him your Disney Prince?

Because I'm willing to bet if you were to list the objective reasons he's The One, if there was anything on it at all, it would be the sort of generic stuff you'd get from any guy. Get on well, laugh together, good sex etc. Certainly not enough to balance out all the awful stuff about him.

Once you let go of him as the man you want him to be and face who he really is, you can free yourself to find someone who really is your 'one' or at least at lot closer to it than this one.

saying he adores and loves me, sends me money and helps with 'man things' around my house. Holds me all night, we laugh for hours

That's it? That's pretty basic, op, when you balance it with the pretty huge negatives.

I think that you think all that is rare. That it's spectacularly difficult to find a boyfriend who is financially solvent, a bit helpful with DIY, willing to hug you at night (!), can make you laugh.

It isn't rare. That describes your bog standard bloke. They're two a penny. It certainly doesn't balance out the huge issue of the way he sees your son.

This is a horribly toxic situation. It's not love. It's an unhealthy obsession with someone who is a piece of shit. Believe me, even if your son didn't exist this man would be an abusive user. He doesn't care about you. He uses you and despises the thing that is most precious to you.

I don't blame you as I've experienced this kind of obsession but please, please break off all contact and move on.

@pinkglass9

Not read the full thread but wanted to say that you really need to remove the designation “love of your life” from him.

Leaving aside that he’s clearly a bit of a twat, you’re only 33 now. You may well have another 50-60 years ahead of you, if not more. You have no idea who might come along in that time. My mum met the love of her life at 55. She really was in a position to judge it then. And much as I love my dad, her second marriage was much happier and more successful than her first.

This guy is a man you have loved and love again. He’s significant. But there’s a good chance he won’t turn out to be the love of your life - indeed, he shouldn’t be, because he doesn’t treat you well enough. And why is that label necessary anyway?

It sounds like he was your first love and that carries a lot of potency. There tends to be a particular intensity and romance about our first love. You associate that with this man. But that’s not what true, deep, mature love is. Most of us aren’t with our first loves, for very good reason. The thing is you’ve grown up because you’ve been parenting since your early 20s. He hasn’t grown up. You and your son are a package. If he can’t accept your son, then he’s not the man for you.

And this:

“You need therapy. A lot of therapy.

No, it is never going to work out with him. He doesn't love you, and he isn't a good guy. He just likes being fawned on. He likes your fluffing of his ego.

What you need to work out for yourself is why you think so little of yourself that you would tolerate any of this. Why you would convince yourself that you are so "in love" with a not very nice man who treats you very badly. That's the important question here.”

I know he is speaking from a place of hurt deep down and knows i am a very good partner to have

He's not speaking from a place of hurt. He has no right to be hurt that you have a child from a relationship after you separated. Why should he be hurt? Why would any decent person be hurt by this? Why are you making excuses for his behaviour and feelings?
He resents your son. He wishes he didn't exist. You know that's not ok. You know there's no excuse for that. Of course it can never work because you can't be with someone who punishes you for being an amazing mum to an amazing child. Would you rather your DS never existed so you could have got back together with him? I'm sure you don't: but he does. Think about that.

Oh my God.
Your ex doesn't love you, he didn't then and he doesn't now. If he loved you he would love your son, too. He doesn't love you, he loves himself.
He isn't chasing you, you gave the cousin an opening, you're being weak and lack boundaries but you like making it out like he is chasing you, he might try to contact you but if you were genuinely firm it would stop.

You say it doesn't affect your son, that's nonsense. He only has 1 parent, you and you've been on anti depressants and struggled to get out of bed, doubtless you've been moody, distracted and preoccupied around your son. this relationship is toxic, it's not love. You need a lot of therapy and to cut all contact with him properly once and for all. You are in love with the drama and an idea of a man that doesn't exist and hasn't ever existed in your ex. Wake up and stop your delusions! Your poor son already has 1 shit parent. You don't have the room or space to be dealing with this! Get help and cut him out of your life forever.

also you want a stepdaddy who smokes a lot of weed and blows hot and cold forced on your poor son? wtf

He sounds totally unreliable and incapable of giving you what you want.
You are in love with the version you want him to be in your head.
The reality is all about grim. Your accepting really low level behaviour and your doing the right thing to keep this "relationship" separate from your son, because this waster your with is a terrible example of how a man treats a woman.
You sound like you really have it together in other areas of your life but he brings nothing to the table but drama, weak lame excuses, and messes with your head and mental health. Using your son as a convenient excuse so he can go off and have his cake and eat it. Just having nice relaxed time with you, zero commitment or responsibility, he has it made.
He won't ever change into the man you want him to be, it's not in him.
Raise your standards, bring a man into your life you would be proud to introduce to your son, who would be a really healthy example of a loving stable relationship. Think of how different your life could be.

He is not a nice person. He is not good for you. You know what you need to do:

• leave him, block him on everything
• get therapy - really work on your boundaries and self-esteem

In addition, these books may help you:

• Women Who Love Too Much
• The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem

-

This man needs to stay the hell away. He will ruin your life and he will ruin your son's life.

He knows you lack self esteem, and so you're vulnerable, and he does, has and will continue to exploit that.

This man is a bad person and will ruin your life (yes I said it twice). Tell him you want nothing more to do with him, block him in EVERTHING, make a note of every time he turns up uninvited/tries to contact on SM and if it becomes persistent, resort him to the police for harassment.

He will ruin your life if you do not cut contact (yes I said it 3 times because that's how strongly I feel).

This is an awful man, get him out of your life and keep him out.

And he cant love me because of a lovely, polite, innocent child.

No, that's his excuse and his stick to beat you with. It's just a very convenient way of making you feel not good enough. He'd pull the same emotionally abusive shit a different way if you didn't have a child.

He hates your child. Read that several times. He hates your child.

The problem is that the loveliest children can go through a challenging, angry, hormonal phase as teens, when they need love and are also hard to love. That's when the wheels will come off with this partner of yours. Block him. You will meet someone so much better.

I'm saying this for your own good.

You're a bad mother for being with someone like that. Really bad. I feel for how vulnerable your son is and the risk you seem willing to put him at.

Grow up. Quickly.

You sound lovely
Your son sounds adorable
He's not a nice man
You deserve someone who cares for you both

Personally he does not seem the best option for a family unit,

That said I can agree with your points about him being your true love, in many ways my ex is similar, if she split with her dh, and reconnected then I'd willingly consider what the options are, sometimes we don't always realise the amount of emotional connection there is until years later, at least that's how it was with me.

No it cannot ever work. Stop kidding yourself.