Would this piss you off?

[Whitegrenache]

DP and I are having an awful
Time at the moment and the relationship is on the rocks. Alcohol issues plus his nasty comments when pissed. DD17 and DS 14 both know something is wrong and agree dad has a drink problem. He is currently working away for 2 weeks and I have issued an ultimatum- we need professional help
To see if the relationship is salvageable (relate) and I have told him he needs to address the alcohol problem.
The above back story is to let you all know things aren't great 😞

He posted this last night in face book my DD saw it and told
Me and was angry on my behalf -

Would you find this disrespectful or
Am I Uber sensitive

DP says he shared it because that's what he thinks BMW drivers are like
And me calling him out on this means he can't have a life and he is pissed off with me

Photo

It's the "yes please" that's fucking annoyed me

The "yes please" does not convey that's what he thinks BMW drivers are like (assuming he was implying he was making a slight against such drivers).
It is disrespectful. It is juvenile. It would massively piss me off.

Why do you want to try and fight for the relationship? What do you get from it?

Well that's a good question- 23 years a family and a lovely Home i think is worth trying to save. Also the advice from
Al anon is not
To make any life decisions when dealing with addiction

Do you really think that he would attend Relate sessions at all?. You'd be better off having counselling on your own.

I would also urge you to contact Al-anon as they are very helpful to those affected by another person's drinking. Alcoholism is not called the "family disease" for nothing, you are all affected by his drinking. Seeking legal advice re the property and finances is also a must do; knowledge after all is power.

His primary relationship is with drink, not you and its never been with you either. His thoughts centre around drink and where the next drink is going to come from. He is also showing no indication wanting to address his alcohol problem either, instead sending you innane content like the above photo which is designed also to inflame an already poor relationship.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Your children know their father is a drunk and its no life for them either; they hear and see far more than you care to realise. Better to be apart from him altogether than to remain so badly accompanied.

As @LadyGeorginaSmythe says it's disrespectful and juvenile.

To be fair he has agreed to go for counselling through relate - he has also stopped drinking and agreed he has a problem and I am also going to Al anon as well as having private counselling.

This has all happened in the last 2 weeks

"23 years a family and a lovely Home i think is worth trying to save"

Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs. You also cannot save this relationship on your own; he has to want to fully commit to this as well but his primary relationship is with alcohol. I am sure your kids do not think they live in a lovely home.

The idea of sunk cost states that an investment of money, time or energy must not necessarily influence your continued investment of money, time or energy. The past investment is “sunk” into the endeavor and cannot be recouped. It is gone. Ongoing investment will not resuscitate what is gone when the investment is a bad one.

There are two ways to understand this process, both involving avoidance. One is an avoidance of disappointment or loss when something doesn’t work out. When a relationship doesn’t succeed, especially after a long period, especially after many shared experiences and especially after developing a hope that the relationship would be a good one, it is a loss. It is a loss of what might have been and an acknowledgement that a part of one’s life has been devoted to this endeavour.

Another angle to evaluate is that focus on “sunk cost” creates a distraction from one’s inner truth. The sentence often goes like, “I’ve already invested to much, so I can’t notice my thoughts and feelings that are telling me to end or change this relationship.” This is a type of insidious defense against noticing yourself. You enter into a neglectful relationship with yourself which divorces you from your inner thoughts and the quiet feelings that might guide you in your life. In other words, thinking about what already has been may prevent you from deciding what you want your life to be.

His primary relationship is with drink, not you and its never been with you either. His thoughts centre around drink and where the next drink is going to come from.

We don't know that though. AA is the best known program for problem drinkers but it's not the only one and a lot of professionals in the field disagree with its model. There may well be underlying issues that are exacerbated by alcohol. We don't know how long the problem drinking has been happening or for how long. Is it a symptom of other issues or a cause?

Counselling sounds like a really good idea. It would be mad to throw away a long committed relationship without taking a good look at all the options first. Forgiveness is not a dirty word. People can change and grow and lots of marriages go throw tough patches and emerge better afterwards.

Do not get bogged down in your sunk costs.

Also, do not press the nuclear button until all the other options have been tried.

Two weeks of he stopping drinking is no biggie at all in the great scheme of things. And how do you know he has not drunk alcohol anyway?. Short answer is you do not. He may well have got better at hiding it.

He may have agreed to counselling with Relate but it does not automatically follow that he will go onto attend their sessions. If he chooses not to, go on your own.

Keep attending the al-anon and private counselling sessions. Hopefully it will give you more clarity.

"People can change and grow and lots of marriages go throw tough patches and emerge better afterwards".

People only change if they themselves want to. Only he can decide whether he wants to stop drinking be it through AA or other professional means; familial coercion does not work. OPs partner is not showing a good impression of himself sending such innane photos to FB, this to me is a man wanting his cake and eating it.

Alcoholism is more than just a tough patch in relationships; it destroys family lives and the effects of that can go on for years. Its not called the "family disease" for no good reason.

But he's away for 2 weeks so you don't know if he's drinking. I suspect he is.

Wouldn't like that Facebook post at all. So disrespectful to you and the kids, and childish and gross from him.

We have a friend whose husband posted stuff like this and we used to feel really sorry for her, in a way that I wouldn't want people to feel about me.

Alcoholism/relate/counselling - you're doing all the right stuff and I hope for you, that the respect hasn't gone for good (on both sides!).

I personally would dump the guy for the Facebook post, never mind the drinking issue- the Facebook post is totally disrespectful and not just 'a bit of fun' and you will have people say there feeling sorry for you

I've been married 27 years though and we've had various issues, so I know it's not an easy decision

Ffs he has apologised but is going to "block" me and DD on Facebook

Juvenile and disrespectful yes, but that laddish comment is the least of your worries. His alcohol problem is your main worry, it wrecks lives and is awful for your children to have to witness and live with. As @AttilaTheMeerkat says, join Al anon yourself for support and advice, and if he fails to go to counselling get some for yourself to help you decide what's best for you and your children.

'Yes please' isn't about bmw drivers, it means he's locally saying he wants to fuck that woman.

Completely disrespectful in my book. Sounds like it's time to show your dc what a strong woman, who values herself acts like, and chuck him on the rubbish heap.

Publicly not locally

So he can carry on posting whatever disrespectful stuff he likes....

Why are you staying with him?

do you post photos of random blokes with rippling abs looking suggestively at the camera on your facebook and say “ooh yes please”? How would he feel about that.

He's sober enough to write legibly about a photo of a pretty girl on social media in a manner that's disrespectful to his wife.

If he has a binge drinking problem then just dump him as he's unlikely to improve unless he really wants to stop and so far it's only you that wants him to stop, not him.

Your children are old enough to understand and the three of you will be better off without him.

It amazes me how easily so many people are saying to leave on the basis on one facebook post and some binge drinking.

He wasn't always like this. There's no reason to assume he will always be like this. There are such things as mid-life crises. There are such things as bad patches.

You can't ask someone to throw away a 23 year partnership after reading a few hundred words on mumsnet.

Going through bad patches in a long marriage isn't unusual. It's normal. A life free from conflict is unusual.

Ending it should be the last option, not the first.

I don't but I do tell him I'd love a good time with jack grealish

That's how I feel , however I am listening to everyone else's comments to ensure I'm
Not deluded

He has rang me and apologised