Would this piss you off?

[Whitegrenache]

DP and I are having an awful
Time at the moment and the relationship is on the rocks. Alcohol issues plus his nasty comments when pissed. DD17 and DS 14 both know something is wrong and agree dad has a drink problem. He is currently working away for 2 weeks and I have issued an ultimatum- we need professional help
To see if the relationship is salvageable (relate) and I have told him he needs to address the alcohol problem.
The above back story is to let you all know things aren't great 😞

He posted this last night in face book my DD saw it and told
Me and was angry on my behalf -

Would you find this disrespectful or
Am I Uber sensitive

DP says he shared it because that's what he thinks BMW drivers are like
And me calling him out on this means he can't have a life and he is pissed off with me

Unfortunately addiction is a lifelong disease. Al-Anon do know that, so their advice is not only wrong, but massively unhelpful. It's not an excuse for staying in an unhappy situation. Sadly it's often women who stay, propping up the relationship and the ego of a dysfunctional partner.
What is his incentive to go to relate if he thinks he can get away with disrespecting you and your family on FB.
And his only reaction is to act like a petulant teenager?
None of us know your life, but perhaps it's worth thinking about what you want for the next phase of it; you're young enough to find love again. And it seems like your kids would support you if you left.
What's the alternative, carer and bum wiper for a 'Father Jack' type in your dotage. It's easy to sleepwalk into a situation like that and heavy alcohol use does bring on the illnesses of old age more rapidly.
I have a lot of sympathy OP. I've worked for many years in addiction services, alcohol, gambling, drugs, other substance misuse, and they are selfish diseases, taking their toll on families with rarely any winners.

This.

Unfortunately addiction is a lifelong disease.

This is the 12 stop (AA) model but there are plenty of people who've gone through difficult times with alcohol, got over it and still have the occasional drink without going into a binge ending with a blackout.

Not everyone is the same. Not everyone drinks for the same reason. Alcoholism is treated by some as a disease but there is no alcohol pathogen or addiction gene.

We don't know if this man has an addiction.

I think we need to be very careful in assuming that the popular models contain all the answers. There are plenty of people who just go through bad patches and difficult times. But you don't hear much about them because they don't make good stories and they don't become anti addiction advocates - perhaps because they were never addicted.

He might manage to get his alcohol abuse under control, but once a misogynist arsehole always a misogynist arsehole.

it doesn't sound like just a bad patch from what the OP is saying. Engaging with Al-Anon is not something one does if one's partner is only prone to the occasional bender now and then.

Yeah. There's always an exit task.

He posted a picture of a woman in a push up bra because he fancied her.

He didn't say he wanted to kill her. 😂

Errrmmmm...he's said he's stopped drinking but he's been away for two weeks. Alcoholics are known liars (even to themselves) where alcohol is involved so why are you automatically believing him?

Also that post wasn't about bmwdrivers or a joke, that was the average gross drooling of a middle aged man over a young woman showing legs and boobs. Yuck.

@GirlWithGuitar "He didn't say he wanted to kill her."

Either I'm missing something or you don't know what misogynist means!

They've been together 23 years.

This could have been going on for the last two and in the context of the past 23 (never mind the potential years to come) that's a bad patch. And then there's all the learning and growing out of counselling - which is not easy but is more rewarding that you can imagine.

For all you know he just wants to give up work and open a cheese shop but can't because of finances and drinks to avoid facing his frustration.

None of us have any idea. Maybe give them a chance to work it out before you condemn the family to an irrevocable fracture.

I think you're missing something.

A misogynist is someone who hates women. Posting that picture could be taken as crass, juvenile or disrespectful but I don't see any hatred.

He chose to block you, rather than just stop being a creep, publicly.
Not being a creep or even just keeping it to himself that he was a creep, or even just changing his settings when he wants to be a creep (you can hide who each post is visible to) was too much effort, better to remove you.

I'm sorry but I highly doubt he has stopped drinking...he will just be hiding it. I speak from experience...there is good advice above already, good luck with whatever you decide 💐

Thanks all

The alcohol issue has slowly crept up
Over the years until I have taken ownership and given him an ultimatum

He either sorts the drinking out and we go through counselling or I am out of the relationship and will move me and the kids out.

He is not usually a misogynistic shit as I am a strong women who won't put up with that shit. Rather he sometimes finds things amusing which quite frankly I don't. And from now on I'm Calling it out and setting boundaries. I'm absolutely prepared to walk away and I am In position where I am very financially secure and have a lot of equity on the home so I would be mortgage free if we sold the house! Although that would be the last resort.

Balls in his court now

I am aware he may be drinking when away with work but I have to put my trust in him

To be fair and honest if he does drink away from the family I'm really not that fussed as the impact on us is when we are with him and he occasionally gets emotionally nasty. If he wants to piss his life away then that's his problem. So far there is no other impact on our families lives although I am very aware that alcoholism is a slippery slope disease and things will Get worse if he does not address it but it's up to him.

If he has apologise to you, make sure that you're still not blocked on Fb as that would be an indicator (at least to me) that he might be sorry this time but he's not sorry for everything and he still doesn't trust either you or your DD by giving you access to his account/viewable profile.

Its not really about respect for you, or whether he apologised to you though. Its much more fundamental than that. There's men who would post things like that and men who wouldn't. Ime the men who would are a 'type'. Sexist, immature, coarse, lechy/creepy...and once you know that about them (and its your DD who brought it to your attention!) you need to have a think about whether that sort of man is actually what you want for the rest of your life. Add to that a drinking problem that's effecting your children, and that so far there's been no attempt to address and you're looking at something far less than ideal. Just because you've been together a long time it doesn't make bad behaviour any easier to tolerate. Harder if anything as you throw even more good years after bad.

Obviously I'm hopeful for you he's still sober and not drinking when he's away. However, I'd find his fb post even harder to tolerate if he done it when sober?

If he's not had a drink and thinks that behaviour is ok what hope do you have of him changing?

Whitegrenache

re your comment
"Over the years until I have taken ownership and given him an ultimatum
He either sorts the drinking out and we go through counselling or I am out of the relationship and will move me and the kids"

When was this ultimatum given?. Such a thing can only be issued one time only as additional ones lose all their power otherwise and he will know you are not at all serious. Unless you are completely prepared to follow through with this anyway there is no point in issuing one.

The ball is also in your court now; not just his. Use the next couple of weeks he is away wisely.

Such types of men like supposedly strong women too as it gives them an additional challenge to take down. You have to date put up with the shit he has given you and you need to ask yourself ultimately (so not today therefore) why this is. Did you yourself grow up seeing similar behaviour from your parents?.

" So far there is no other impact on our families lives although I am very aware that alcoholism is a slippery slope disease and things will Get worse if he does not address it but it's up to him."

There is impact already on you and your kids; you're all being affected by the alcoholic in your midst. Your kids certainly know and your eldest has further learnt not to come downstairs in the evening. You are now attending Al-anon meetings.

Better to be on your own with your kids than to remain this badly accompanied. All he has and will continue to do here is drag you all down with him. I feel for your children in all this as they are seeing and hearing far more than you care to realise. They know all too well what has been happening here and this relationship is no legacy to be leaving them. You only need to give your own self permission to leave.