Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

SERIOUS ADVICE NEEDED

44 replies

Mommycool24 · 11/11/2023 02:04

I’m with my partner 10 years, we have 3 kids. My partner was heavily addicted to c*aine & lyrica tablets like he was the worse possible case of a drug addict you could imagine. Plus he drank heavily enough too. He was addicted to cke about 7years out of our 10 years together.

He’s currently clean from the start of this may and thriving (completely different person). I couldnt help but snoop & discovered escorts websites and have realised that he’s been going to them for 4ish maybe 5 years straight (while in relationship with me) It 100% stopped when he got clean and sober in may.

My question is what would you do in this scenario regarding your relationship & family? I made him aware I seen it and he’s not said to much about it, said he’s been a “few” times he can remember he doesn’t remember much around that drug using time as it caused him to develop psychosis and he was severally mentally ill for years over the head of his addiction. He is genuinely a nice person now and has been amazing from he chose sobriety. So any advice is great as I’m a very torn woman. I don’t know if it’s forgivable or not..

OP posts:
PinkPantherPrat · 11/11/2023 02:13

Oh dear, that's tricky. You'll get lots of conflicting advice.

Did he seek assistance with stopping substances?

EBearhug · 11/11/2023 02:16

I'd get tested for STIs as a starting point.

"He's been going to them" - does that mean he still is? Or is it all in the past with the drugs?

If it's definitely in the past, then I'd be prepared to give it a go as long as he stays clean - 6 months is a good start, but people do fall off the wagon. If it's still on-going, I'd be deeply unhappy about that.

ScottBakula · 11/11/2023 03:08

For him to be clean since May must of been tough going for both of you ( I have seen what withdrawing can be like ) so as long as you are sure he is still clean and not using any escorts I would give him a chance.
But it would be made very clear that even a slight slip back into any of his old ways he would get kicked to the kerb very firmly.

Also just be aware that without the high from drink and drugs he may look for something else to get that buzz .
It could be anything , betting , gym , food control , etc

StartupRepair · 11/11/2023 03:26

I think he is in the habit of lying to you. I couldn't live like this.

MinnieL · 11/11/2023 03:28

What sort of life is this?

daisychain01 · 11/11/2023 03:31

A drug addict who uses other women for sex, is low-life simple as.

please raise your bar and get him out of your life, you can do so much better.

Whataretheodds · 11/11/2023 03:46

Has been going to Narcotics Anon, Sex/love addicts Anon, or similar support groups?

Hibiscrubbed · 11/11/2023 10:11

He’d be gone. You owe him nothing.

OceanicBoundlessness · 11/11/2023 10:51

It sounds like he's in a reasonably good place for sorting his mess out. I would leave now and any decisions he makes from now are completely on him. You deserve better.

TheAverageJoanne · 11/11/2023 10:53

Did you know he was a drug addict when you met?

SB1210 · 11/11/2023 11:03

Honestly, if it was me, id think im living on a knifes edge. Its one slip away from it going to shit and him going back to old ways. Id get out. What more does he have to do to you? How much more will you put up with?

missclose · 11/11/2023 11:04

Leave him. Regardless if he's changed u will never forget or 100% trust him. U deserve so much better

Motnight · 11/11/2023 11:07

He has swapped one addiction for another. He is taking advantage of vulnerable women. He is not nice nor decent.

IncompleteSenten · 11/11/2023 11:07

It wouldn't be forgiveable for me but only you can say if it's forgiveable for you.

Statistically speaking, it's more likely than not that he'll relapse and you'll go back to living with drug taking, drinking and paying women for sex him.

Get yourself tested for all std's.

Sarvanga38 · 11/11/2023 11:11

My question is why on earth you brought three children in to this mess. When oh when will people start being more responsible in who they procreate with?

No, I'm not woman blaming, I would say the same if the sexes were reversed.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 11/11/2023 11:36

I think you need to go to one of the places that supports the families of addicts and get advice directly from them as they have more experience.

Whatever choices you make about him - your children should come first in your decision making, not him.

WeekWeekWeek · 11/11/2023 11:54

Poor kids.

It’s your business if you want to be with a junkie, but children deserve better than having the lowlife you foisted on them as a father.

Original poster
Mommycool24 · 12/11/2023 19:30

TheAverageJoanne · 11/11/2023 10:53

Did you know he was a drug addict when you met?

No, it only started whilst in the relationship, on & off, got really bad about 5ish years ago. Been in and out of recovery over the years.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mommycool24 · 12/11/2023 19:31

PinkPantherPrat · 11/11/2023 02:13

Oh dear, that's tricky. You'll get lots of conflicting advice.

Did he seek assistance with stopping substances?

Yes he did, he's been in and out of recovery over the years that includes help from professionals. Professional help this time worked - so far

OP posts:
Original poster
Mommycool24 · 12/11/2023 19:32

EBearhug · 11/11/2023 02:16

I'd get tested for STIs as a starting point.

"He's been going to them" - does that mean he still is? Or is it all in the past with the drugs?

If it's definitely in the past, then I'd be prepared to give it a go as long as he stays clean - 6 months is a good start, but people do fall off the wagon. If it's still on-going, I'd be deeply unhappy about that.

All when he was on drugs. Bar once back in July I found him looking them up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mommycool24 · 12/11/2023 19:34

Whataretheodds · 11/11/2023 03:46

Has been going to Narcotics Anon, Sex/love addicts Anon, or similar support groups?

He went to professionals in the past but not this time. Everything has been going smoothly thus far from he's gotten clean. I'm very deeply hurt and torn on what to do.

OP posts:
LylaLee · 12/11/2023 19:35

Women are not rehab centres for broken men.

It's not your job to fix him.

You can be happier single or with someone better. Not this.

OhComeOnFFS · 12/11/2023 19:36

I couldn't forgive any of that. It's all too much drama, too much work on your part, too much really bad behaviour. I couldn't be doing with it, OP.

There are other men around without that kind of past - men who wouldn't dream of behaving like that.

Original poster
Mommycool24 · 12/11/2023 19:37

Sarvanga38 · 11/11/2023 11:11

My question is why on earth you brought three children in to this mess. When oh when will people start being more responsible in who they procreate with?

No, I'm not woman blaming, I would say the same if the sexes were reversed.

He's been in and out of recovery though the years, I had my children when he was in recovery or atleast pulled the wool over my eyes to have me believe that. My home life is not a mess, infact my children are actually quite sheltered from it and live a very good happy life. I know the bigger picture all that is going on in the background but my children's lives are not affected by this.

OP posts:
DRS1970 · 12/11/2023 19:39

Personally I would have left as soon as he began taking coke, not wait until he has spent the better part of a decade taking it. But you are where you are, and my concern would be has he passed on any STIs to you. I think his explanation of not remembering is a bit convenient to be honest. , and I would not let him off the hook that easily.