SERIOUS ADVICE NEEDED

[Mommycool24]

I’m with my partner 10 years, we have 3 kids. My partner was heavily addicted to c*aine & lyrica tablets like he was the worse possible case of a drug addict you could imagine. Plus he drank heavily enough too. He was addicted to cke about 7years out of our 10 years together.

He’s currently clean from the start of this may and thriving (completely different person). I couldnt help but snoop & discovered escorts websites and have realised that he’s been going to them for 4ish maybe 5 years straight (while in relationship with me) It 100% stopped when he got clean and sober in may.

My question is what would you do in this scenario regarding your relationship & family? I made him aware I seen it and he’s not said to much about it, said he’s been a “few” times he can remember he doesn’t remember much around that drug using time as it caused him to develop psychosis and he was severally mentally ill for years over the head of his addiction. He is genuinely a nice person now and has been amazing from he chose sobriety. So any advice is great as I’m a very torn woman. I don’t know if it’s forgivable or not..

Leave. There is a pattern. Stand further back and you will see it.

100% my children come first and always will. I'm just very torn on what to do, I'm almost afraid of carrying on incase I get burnt again as I'm
In a very bad place at the minute with it all. It's really knocked my confidence a blow as I already suffer with body dysmorphia along side
Other things

You mean he's used the family money to pay for sex with loads of strangers while being married and while you had 3 kids.

He's lied to you.
He's cheated on you.

God knows the trauma the kids have already had by dealing with this in the house.

Are you truly available to your children while you are entirely preoccupied with trying to fix this chronic addict in the house?

He has no respect for you and he can blame cocaine as much as he wants.

Plenty of people are coke addicts but they are not out riding prostitutes while the wife is at home with 3 kids.

He's only off the stuff since May, was he in a residential centre? And if so, for how long?

It's an hard one in it, personally I think ya still aware of what you do when yo9 high, it does block feeling bad about it. So it's wether you trust that nothing ever happened .?

I am just surprised you stayed around for 10 years and had 3kids!!

I have an STI kit ordered to come to the house this week. I had the wool pulled over my eyes for a long time Regarding the drugs.

Hi, Mommycool 24.
I'm so so sorry I didn't mean to imply that you wouldn't put your children first.
Im sure you do and I appreciate that its difficult when you are trying to sort out so many issues at once.
I was just thinking that with all his problems his needs may seem more immediate, but he doesn't get to be first in the queue when it comes to organising priorities.
I think if you can get some RL-qualified people to talk to, who have experience of dealing with these things, then that might help your confidence. These are large and involved things to untangle, but They might be able to help you take things step by step, and draw up a workable plan for dealing with it, because the situation didn't happen over night and will take a bit of time to fix. You are not a miracle worker. Making decisions is hard but step by step does help you feel like you are re gaining control.
I'm so sorry if the body dysmorphia also worries you. Can you find someone to help you deal with that - even if it will take some time? I think getting a workable plan of action in place may help you feel more on top of things. Be kind to yourself, Best wishes.

Sadly, so many parents truly believe their children are oblivious.

They rarely are.

It's just you don't come to know it until years later when the damage has been done.

You’re kidding yourself.

Yes absolutely you are still aware of what you are doing the sex on coke is the most amazing sex ever but it's a dirty drug, thank God I didn't sleep with women for money, but it's not a nice drug the comedown is horrible, but yes 100 per cent everything in still in your power

I am clearly going to be in a minority here. I have a lot of addicts in my family. It takes a lot of courage and willpower to get out of this lifestyle. It's a credit to your partner that he managed to get off drugs and escort sites and stay clean for 6 months. I do believe in permanent change, my brother has been sober for 20 years. I think you should get counselling for yourself. You have a chance to be happy with your partner. You have been fighting for this for the last 10 years. It's almost like you are trying to sabotage your own efforts just at the moment your dream is within your reach. People do all sorts of crazy things when they are on drugs. If you can't forgive and forget, I suggest you get some counselling. You, your partner and your children deserve to be finally happy. Don't let the ghosts from your past ruin your future

I completely agree with what your saying. This is why I'm torn, as I have fought a very long time to be where we are right now which is why I don't want to let it go but everytime I look at him I can just picture another woman's hands all over him. It's so hard as I struggle with myself and my appearance already and it's really hit me a bad blow. I think I'm gonna give therapy a go to see if it helps. As I'm honestly in the worst place I've been in in my whole life. Just the thoughts of him doing this when I was pregnant with his babies and just after i had them. My hearts so sore.

Oh goodness no I wasnt offended at all. I'm just so torn as I have fought a long time to get where we are now and that's drug free which is why I feel if I give up now I'd be silly but at the same time I also feel quite stupid for staying. It's such a tricky situation abd my hearts hurting a lot over it. Like to me he was the love of my whole life.

You and your children are worth more. Seek some counselling for yourself so you can see this.

Your partner has clearly committed to a fresh start. People do all sorts of crazy things on drugs. You aren't being weak or stupid for staying with your partner as he is clean now. I appreciate this new knowledge hurts. I suggest get some therapy even if you have to go private as NHS lists are long.

So looking up escorts wasn't always when he was on drugs and, despite what you put in your first post, didn't actually stop in May when he got sober. Why lie to yourself?

It sounds like you have been trying to do your best in a very difficult, knotted up, heartbreaking and complex situation, which must be very hard to deal with, but as its not just you, but there are children involved, I really do think that your best option is to find someone in real life who is experienced in such matters who you can talk to for counselling and support and who can help you make a detailed step by step plan for a way to move forward based on your precise individual circumstances. People here can only make general suggestions.

Has he been clean for only 6 months? If so that's a very short and it's hard to say if he actually recovered. Is he in therapy?

You need counselling and therapy to see what you want and need in life. Completely separate to him. It seems like everything has been about him the last few years. What about you? Who is supporting you?

Once you fully determine what you need and want from life, only then can you determine where he fits in, if at all, and under what conditions and circumstances.