Sleeping on the sofa has DH annoyed

[Sleepybanana]

So .. I’ve been unwell over the past few weeks (chest infection) and chose to sleep on the sofa when I was really bad.
reasons being

1. living room is warmer which helped
2. i felt it was easier to breathe sleeping at an incline
3. no guilt at tossing and turning and coughing and waking him (and the kids upstairs) up etc.

DH was completely supportive of this as I was really unwell.
However now I’m back to normal and finding it hard to go back to bed.

background - I am a horrendous sleeper. I sleepwalk, sleep talk and have bad dreams very often and feel a lot of guilt about this, and feel bad about waking up DH. He’s a light sleeper and worries about me when I’m out on a midnight wander. He will tell me the next day the crazy stuff I was doing , where as obviously sleeping alone I don’t know I’m doing it so the emotional side has been removed.

also (I feel guilty about this) I am actually sleeping better. Despite me being a pain in the arse to sleep with, i don’t need much sleep and often really struggle to fall asleep whereas he’s out like a light but needs more sleep than me. I love having the freedom to just look at nothing on my phone until I get sleepy. He doesn’t like when I do this and just wants me to go to sleep ( me too but my brain just won’t turn off sometimes… very stressful job blah blah blah).

He has been hinting / asking when I am going to come back and made a comment tonight about how “if this is how you want to spend the rest of our marriage that’s your choice” but was quite cold.

I KNOW he’s missing me sleeping with him and he says he isn’t sleeping as well as a result, which is weird because I imagined he would sleep better without me annoying him all the time. this was my justification for doing it in a way.
He says he wakes up in the night looking for me, and feels like we are not as close anymore.
Very busy lives (don’t we all!) mean there’s not really intimacy outside the bedroom. I’m not a naturally “cuddly” person and he is, which also is another layer to this.

kids have started to pick up on it and comment.

I dunno what to do here? I feel sad/guilty that I’m hurting him and maybe that I am being quite selfish in choosing my own sleep first, even though now I’m no longer unwell. Do I just suck it up and go back and accept all the layers of guilt that go along with it? Or is there another comprise I’m not seeing?
also would love to hear perspectives from the other side of this.

Go to bed together and have your snuggles then once he's drifted off you go back downstairs to sleep/wander/read. But discuss this first so he doesn't wake up suddenly and panic.

Although having to cuddle my DH off to sleep like a child would give me the ick anyway.

Yeah … I feel the same. I’m not his cuddly toy.
I’ve been trying to find out why he’s taking this so personally but he can’t really vocalise why. Just because I sleep on the sofa doesn’t mean I don’t love him.
maybe I’m just a bit of a cold fish 😞

You are ill op and your rest and comfort supercedes his need to use you as a comfort blanket. Get well soon.

I kind of get it, I find it easier to both fall asleep and get a good night's sleep if I have DP with me. When he's not around, I let the dog in my bed as I'm just so unaccustomed to sleeping alone! There's something about being next to a warm body... that said, an electric blanket also really helps, do you have one of those!?

I do sympathise with you as well, as I sometimes need to stay up late working and either crawl into bed late or just stay on the sofa all night. He is a light sleeper and apparently finds it hard to fall asleep if he is still anticipating me coming to bed, which is why I opt for the sofa if I know I have a long night ahead. But this also annoys him, as I think he also falls asleep more easily with me there, so not sure what the answer is!

My DH feels a bit ‘abandoned’ if I sleep elsewhere. Whereas I bloody love a bed (or sofa) to myself. It sucks we don’t feel the same as that would be easier!

I expect it’s the sort of permanent change that’s throwing your DH. You were ill, he understood that, but now you’re well it’s a rejection. Especially if being in bed is the only time you’re physically close. He’s not wrong that it will over time diminish your connection to each other.

Can you discuss that you feel pressured to fall asleep and don’t like not having the option to have a screen on until you’re sleeping, so can he compromise?

Thank you!

I was ill.
Im not anymore. Not even a teeny bit. Not even fakeably so.

this is why I’m struggling with it.

I think my DH actually also feels abandoned!!! I actually think he doesn’t particularly like it when I stay downstairs and watch tv and have a wine while he goes up at 10. Which is way too early for me.
I think you’re right in that it will diminish the connection, and I’m considering going up to bed now but just because I feel guilty about it.
I would still prefer to sleep on the lovely sofa 😄

I’m awake on MN next to my sleeping DH. Last night I slept on the sofa because the dog was being an arse barking randomly. I think going up to bed sis actually pretty important even if you end up sleeping elsewhere later on.

I would go up and read in bed on your phone like you want to. And if he objects you say THIS is why I was staying on the sofa! It was so nice to go to sleep how I wanted to! I’m not a thing who will just do as you tell me, some compromise is needed here.

I’m also stubborn as faaaaack and hate the idea he’s guilted me into going up 😂 who would marry me eh?

wow, this sort of post makes me so glad I am single, and have a lovely cosy bed all to myself very night!

surely it doesn't have to be all or nothing, surely you can sleep part of the week in the bed and part on the sofa? Surely you can tell him how much better you sleep there, and say you want the sofa every tues and thurs, for example, if those are working days

He certainly likes to tell you what to do ! I wouldn't be happy.

Time to set out your stall I think. Tell him you don't sleep as much as him and you can't sleep without reading or looking at your phone and he complains if you do that so either he can tolerate that so the bed works for you or you can stay on the sofa if he can't tolerate it. Ball in his court. It can't be all his way.

We had some serious issues sleeping for a while because dh developed a sleeping on his back/snoring habit and I am an extremely light sleeper.

He wouldn't 'agree' to any kind of resolution until I got a lovely new bed/mattress/bedding set up for him in the spare room and booted him into it .

We still sleep together some nights just because we miss each other or we're laying in bed together and happen to fall asleep. It's always a very broken night of sleep tho and I'm always shattered the following day and look forward to a good night of sleep alone.

I think we are still very connected and argue a lot less simply because I'm not sleep deprived and miserable !

Sleeping in different rooms might give you both a better night’s sleep but is a slippery slope because of the loss of intimacy - physical touch and cuddling is just as important as sex. Both exH and DP felt it was really important to sleep in the same bed and go to bed at the same time - exH liked to sleep earlier and DP likes to sleep later so I’ve experienced being on both sides of this problem! You’re potentially on the path to becoming just housemates though if the solution is to sleep in separate rooms. If he’s not bothering your sleep, and doesn’t mind having his sleep interrupted by your sleep-talking etc then surely there are less drastic solutions that could be explored. DP and I had similar issues where the light from his phone made it hard for me to fall asleep. Your DH could try wearing an eye mask (to be honest, using the phone just before bedtime might be keeping you up later, reading a book might be better for helping you unwind).

No advice but I’ve always loved sleeping on my own spread out across my king bed and the thought of bed sharing puts me off ever living with a man again. I can’t stand being cuddled up to when I'm trying to sleep - separate rooms is the way forward or even better in my car, separate houses🤣🤣

“Sleeping in different rooms might give you both a better night’s sleep but is a slippery slope because of the loss of intimacy - physical touch and cuddling is just as important as sex….. You’re potentially on the path to becoming just housemates though if the solution is to sleep in separate rooms. If he’s not bothering your sleep, and doesn’t mind having his sleep interrupted by your sleep-talking etc then surely there are less drastic solutions that could be explored.”

I agree with this, especially if you’re not affectionate outside the bedroom. Could you get a backlit Kindle and read on low setting? That’s what I do and it works fine. Or at least start the night together even if you decamp to the sofa.

Do you actually have any independent proof of your sleepwalking/talking etc? Because it sounds really unlikely that you'd have such disruptive sleep and not have any other underlying issues. He sounds controlling and like he uses guilt to keep you where he wants you (this is what he is doing with the way he is talking to you about sleeping on the sofa), and all these reports from him of the apparently "crazy stuff" you're doing while asleep really feed into this nicely.

I would feel upset in his position too.

Sitting on your phone before you sleep isn't good for you, neither is drinking alcohol, have you tried reading a book instead?

Would it help if you use loads of pillows to make a nest so that you can sleep at an incline?
I have too sleep sitting up and I use pillows and 3 half roll memory foam pillows.
But I think you should use your phone without guilt at night .

I'm your DH in this scenario as my husband has a terrible habit of falling asleep on the sofa. He doesn't feel himself getting tired enough to go to bed so thinks he'll be fine watching TV or whatever and then all of a sudden it's morning...

I let him get on with it because I can't control where a grown man sleeps but I do find it disrupts our intimacy and closeness. The bed is a shared space just for the two of us. I feel safe and loved and close to DH when we sleep in there and happy to wake up next to each other each day. I expect your DH is missing that feeling.

Weeknights separate and weekends together? Or go to bed together and then go down after you wake up and struggle sleeping? I dont think sofa is a long term good plan for your back though or possibly the life of the sofa.
DH and I don’t go to bed together and I’d struggle with the pressure that we have to go to bed at the same time

I'm the tactile one and DP isn't. When we go to bed it's the only time we are physically intimate- apart from sex. I love being cuddled as I fall asleep and I won't be made to feel awful for that, and DP love a snuggle too. I miss him when he is away for work and if he decamped long term to the sofa I would be so incredibly hurt he would prefer that to sleeping with me.
Plus it's a good way to fuck your back up.

For a marriage to work there needs to be compromise.

Sleeping alone is bliss, but sleeping with a partner is an intimate act, that (even without sex) puts your relationship on a different level to those you have with others.

How would you feel, for example, if your DH agreed to you sleeping on the sofa every night if he could sleep (& only sleep, no sexual shenanigans) every night in your bed with another woman?

I doubt you'd want that, because despite both of you getting what you wanted (in theory) it would most definitely change the dynamic of your relationship.

If the level of intimacy that sharing a bed with someone brings isn't for you, then discuss that openly with your DH and maybe compromise on certain nights with him and certain night on the sofa; but I do think it would sad if you're not willing to compromise for the supposed love of your life and unilaterally decide you're never going to sleep with him again.

Are you not over thinking this ?
Go back to sharing a bed !
When he goes to sleep - get up and settle on the sofa !
Not need to make a big issue of this surely ?