Sleeping on the sofa has DH annoyed

[Sleepybanana]

So .. I’ve been unwell over the past few weeks (chest infection) and chose to sleep on the sofa when I was really bad.
reasons being

1. living room is warmer which helped
2. i felt it was easier to breathe sleeping at an incline
3. no guilt at tossing and turning and coughing and waking him (and the kids upstairs) up etc.

DH was completely supportive of this as I was really unwell.
However now I’m back to normal and finding it hard to go back to bed.

background - I am a horrendous sleeper. I sleepwalk, sleep talk and have bad dreams very often and feel a lot of guilt about this, and feel bad about waking up DH. He’s a light sleeper and worries about me when I’m out on a midnight wander. He will tell me the next day the crazy stuff I was doing , where as obviously sleeping alone I don’t know I’m doing it so the emotional side has been removed.

also (I feel guilty about this) I am actually sleeping better. Despite me being a pain in the arse to sleep with, i don’t need much sleep and often really struggle to fall asleep whereas he’s out like a light but needs more sleep than me. I love having the freedom to just look at nothing on my phone until I get sleepy. He doesn’t like when I do this and just wants me to go to sleep ( me too but my brain just won’t turn off sometimes… very stressful job blah blah blah).

He has been hinting / asking when I am going to come back and made a comment tonight about how “if this is how you want to spend the rest of our marriage that’s your choice” but was quite cold.

I KNOW he’s missing me sleeping with him and he says he isn’t sleeping as well as a result, which is weird because I imagined he would sleep better without me annoying him all the time. this was my justification for doing it in a way.
He says he wakes up in the night looking for me, and feels like we are not as close anymore.
Very busy lives (don’t we all!) mean there’s not really intimacy outside the bedroom. I’m not a naturally “cuddly” person and he is, which also is another layer to this.

kids have started to pick up on it and comment.

I dunno what to do here? I feel sad/guilty that I’m hurting him and maybe that I am being quite selfish in choosing my own sleep first, even though now I’m no longer unwell. Do I just suck it up and go back and accept all the layers of guilt that go along with it? Or is there another comprise I’m not seeing?
also would love to hear perspectives from the other side of this.

I think there's two parts of this:

One is that you need an open conversion with him about why you struggle to sleep together, especially regards his complaining about your sleep habits. You might also be able to change your bedroom (bigger bed or whatever) so you can sleep together but both get a decent night's sleep. He needs to compromise here a bit.

Second is that you admit you aren't "cuddly" and that there isn't much intimacy outside the bedroom. In my opinion, a marriage has to have intimacy or it might as well just be flatmates! And whilst I don't think sleeping together is mandatory, I think if that's the only way you express intimacy and you decide to opt out, we'll, I can see why that would really hurt your DH.

I also like sleeping in my own bed and being able to get up and wander about, or read at midnight, without guilt. Fortunately my dp and I don't live together. And when we do spend the night together he puts up with my screen and I put up with his snoring.

In your situation I'd also suggest going to bed together but him not being pissed off if you get up later and do what you want. And I'd also suggest you putting in a bit of effort to give him the cuddles that make him feel loved. And maybe "joking" to him that you are not using the screen time in another room to chat to your many lovers!

didnt mention as it didn’t seem relevant bht I do have underlying issues - I’m diabetic and frequently get very bad lows (not low enough to be hypos) at night which correlate quite nicely with my really bad sleep walking episodes.
This has gone on for years, since I was a kid, since before I met him and has happened all over - my house, friends house, parent house, hotels, campsites etc.

I frequently find myself waking up in the kitchen chopping tomatoes and nonsense, and have woken up wearing only bra and pants and my clothes scattered throughout other rooms in the house, and even in the fridge.
so he’s defo not gaslighting me about my bad sleep!!!

It used to bother me when my DH would disappear in the night and sleep in the spare room. I don't know why. I got used to it after he had a particularly bad cold and now I kind of like waking up in the middle of the night and starfishing. Sometimes he's ill, sometimes he's stressed and sometimes I'm snoring like a train. Moving somewhere else makes him fall asleep faster than trying and failing to sleep in our bed. I've learned to accept that he just wants to sleep well and stop taking it as a personal insult.

It'll be the lack of intimacy that's bugging him, rather than the sleep I reckon. I'm more huggy and touchy than DP, she only wants a hug during the day if she's really upset about something.

In bed is different, shes touchy, she initiates hugs etc, its a chance to unwind, talk about our days while being comfortable with each other. We both bugger off to our sides of the bed once we're ready to sleep, but I'd really miss that connection last thing at night and first thing in the morning if it was gone, especially if it was potentially permanent. (And this is without even including sex, which is also something that only happens at night in bed, what with teenagers in the house)

Buy him a teddy bear.

I kind of understand him…I’d struggle in a marriage without cuddles at night. Is there any compromise so that you both get what you need, such as alternating nights or going to bed together sometimes before changing to the sofa?

I have problems sleeping these days - I used to be fine but something to do with getting older / perimenopause. I start off in bed with DH every night and then move to the spare room during the night if I need to. This works well for us.

For most people, bedsharing is a normal expectation in a relationship. Making the move to sleeping separately has to he by mutual agreement surely?

I mean, you could choose to sleep permanently elsewhere in the house but he doesn't have to just accept that, because for him, sharing the bed is what he wants from his relationship. So he may choose to separate if this is unilaterally taken away from him. As would a woman if bed sharing was a key component of her marriage and her husband decided to stop it.

Why not tell him you'll happily come back to bed on the condition that a) you can mess on your phone once he falls asleep and b) he doesn't tell you every little detail about your sleep waking/walking. You now know he'd prefer to have you sleep with him so you have nothing to feel guilty about.

You need to find a compromise that works for both of you.

Separate beds in our household has fixed a lot of problems. We just go to bed together, cuddle and chat, or have sex if we want to, then he goes off to his own bedroom to sleep. He’s the bad sleeper and I snore.

Out rooms are connected like hotel bedrooms with an interconnecting door, and share an en-suite, so the space is designed for this setup.

I get to choose the bedding I want and decorate how I like. Works for us and has not damaged our relationship.

we spend ages teaching children how to sleep alone, so I’m not sure why it’s so surprising when we want to do it as adults

This sounds lovely, and is the perfect example of how it works well, when done by mutual agreement.

The pp and dh want different things though.

This.

Agree, he needs to give a little.

I understand wanting to sleep separately (sleep issues basically broke up my marriage) but unless there's a spare room you can't sleep on the couch forever - it's not designed for that and might lead to back issues as a PP has said, plus it's a little depressing.

I can fully understand why he wants you to come back to bed. Physical closeness is important to many people in relationships and even if it's not to you it clearly is to him. BUT he needs to not tell you how to sleep! That's out of order. If he wants you in the bed he has to respect how you want to conduct yourself in there.

This.

Marriage doesn't mean you give up autonomy. If you are healthier sleeping alone, so be it. It's not a reflection on your relationship and if he chooses to twist it into something negative, I'd insist on counseling.

A loving unselfish partner would be happy you are getting a restful night.

I do think sleeping apart needs to be a mutual decision. But it's also blissful. We don't sleep apart at the moment when we're together, and probably won't when dp moves in, but I do plan to lay claim to a separate bedroom when ds moves out, and I retain the right to go and sleep where I like. In the meantime I do enjoy my 3 nights a week.on my own.

I think a serious chat about what you have found out from being on the sofa is called for.

I disagree. Being in a relationship doesn't mean that i need his permission to sleep where & when is best for me. Sleep is a major component of health.

So he moans when you’re there and he moans when you’re not there, and you feel guilty either way?

I don’t go to bed at the same time as DH, I want to watch tv or look at my phone until I’m sleepy, which is a couple of hours after he goes up. We do share a bed but I can’t imagine having to lie there awake in the darkness because it suited him. Find a compromise OP, and tell him straight he can’t have it all his own way. It’s pretty clear you can’t bear to go back to the previous set up.

I think it’s partly down to this weird societal thing about couples having to sleep together. Myself and DH (both early 30s) sleep in separate rooms, and the looks/comments we get when people find out are never positive!

DH is a dreadful snorer and a night owl, I go to sleep early but apparently it’s like sharing a bed with an octopus trying to fight it’s way out of a pillowcase. We were both sacrificing sleep in order to meet societies ideal of couples sharing a bed and it started to have a detrimental impact on our relationship.

Now, we spend a few hours together in one of the rooms, cuddled up watching tv or chatting, and then we separate and I go to sleep and DH will stay up for a bit gaming usually. It has done wonders for our relationship because neither of us is carrying resentment over our sleep being disturbed and we were both adult enough to realise that we weren’t actually missing any time together that we would notice (as we would be asleep).

OP, sleep is so important to everyone’s overall health and well-being. You shouldn’t be having to forgo yours in order to soothe your husband’s ego. Please ignore PP who suggest that sleeping separately is the first step to becoming roommates. DH and I would be in an awful situation relationship-wise if we hadn’t decided to sleep in different rooms, we are so much happier now.

This. He does not get to dictate where and how you go to sleep.

Your DH sounds exactly like me tbh -
Obviously we're not the same person, but it's not about being a "cuddly toy" or anything like that - People have different love languages, for some people it's actions like doing something thoughtful. For other's it's physical contact/snuggles.
Do you touch much outside of the bedroom?
Perhaps some quality snuggle time on the sofa before bed would help?

I absolutely cannot relate to not wanting physical affection from your DH OP, I'm really sorry, I deeply wish I could as my DH seems to be a lot like you and will feel "smothered" occasionally which always flummoxes me honestly.

What were you like with cuddles at other times during your relationship?
Is it just at bedtime, or all the time?

I love our small spare room and get a really good night’s sleep in there, so I use it when I’m ill or fidgety or when my husband’s ill. He also uses it sometimes too. Neither of us takes offence and we have a cuddle in the big bed before sleep and in the morning get together for cups of tea /sex. All good and sensible and not at all “the beginning of the end”. A good night’s sleep is so important.

I’m also stubborn as faaaaack and hate the idea he’s guilted me into going up.

Your posts are very contradictory, you feel guilt for sleeping next to him and don’t like being guilted by him into for sleeping next to him…. huh. If you wander in your sleep than I can imagine you being out of sight could be quite worrying, which will impact on his ability to sleep. You say you feel guilty by sleeping next to him but it doesn’t really sound like it. That isn’t a problem but you do make out that that feeling contributes to your relief about sleeping on the sofa.

Sleeping on the sofa and scrolling on your phone are really bad habits that won’t work in your favour for the longer term.

It’s time to have a grown up conversation with yourself and your H. What must be frustrating for him is the poor communication about this quite big change in your behaviour and I suspect it’s worrying him a great deal.

Go to bed later but do go to bed.

I see your point. But - you are married. & this is affecting your marriage. No matter what anyone here says, its you and your husband having to live with situation. Talk to him and tell him exactly why you find sleeping alone easier. Hopefully he'll understand. But you need a plan for if he's not agreeable to this situation. If he's not and you continue sleeping alone it'll cause a rift.

Personally I'd go back but get to sleep as you usually do. You're an adult, its not his place to tell you when and how to sleep. He can wear an eyemask if phone light disturbs him. I hate sharing a bed. DP is fine with it.