I’m going to end up alone

[Sadtruthh]

Well, I’m already alone. 39. Never been married, no kids. Desperately want my own family. Been dating for years. I never struggle to get dates or men interested but I cannot meet a semi decent man. So many want something casual and will lie. So many have hang ups. I’m not even that fussy. I feel like it’s coming to an end now and I am so sad about it, I’ve cried every day for weeks. I used to be so hopeful, now I’m just so lonely and appalled by how my life has turned out.

I’m so sorry to read this. I know how you feel and I know how difficult it is. I’m in exactly the same boat, but a bit older than you. I had been trying to conceive with my partner and he broke up with me a few weeks ago with no warning. We had “grown apart” according to him. I cry just about every day too. I so wanted a family and a successful relationship and I feel like I’ve failed at life.

I'm so sorry you are both in this situation. I don't know that I have the words to help but I wanted to say I'm sorry, it's a very hard situation and it's understandable you feel so low. Sending hugs x

I'm so sorry to hear that OP, I totally emphatise with you. I know it's easier said than done, but try to shift your focus on doing things that you love and not so much on finding the right man. Leave that to destiny. Don't be hard on yourself, don't put pressure on yourself. You always have the options of adopting a kid or getting a donor should you wish to have a kid. I really hope you find peace and happiness, first and foremost. I hope and pray things work out well for you, you really deserve to be happy. Sending you love and strength, take care OP.

I’ve been exactly in your shoes, at that age.

I became a mum three weeks before turning 42, and all sorts of hardships have happened to me since then - widowhood, Covid, unemployment, a legal nightmare, etc - but actually none of them has been harder than when I was where you are. It feels like a kind of silent, invisible grief. Try to seize the day, with stoicism. But I know there are no answers. 💐x

Wow LittleGlowingOblong did you meet someone or go it alone?

@Sadtruthh So sorry to hear of your situation and I wish you all the best.

I am just slightly younger than you and am in the same situation regarding no kids, but I have met a lovely man online this year, so they are out there! I know of people who have met their significant others in their 40s too.

Good luck! X

I met someone. I thought I was settling but in fact he gave me immeasurable happiness, that I’d never known before.

It affects my whole life
im lonely
all my friends are coupled up
i’d love to travel
I can’t face going on holiday on my own tho
I want a family

I just work, go to the gym, and see friends and family with their partners - I’m always alone

I’m sorry @Sadtruthh All I can say is I know exactly how you feel. I’ve spent years and years single while my friends have all been in LTRs. Now they’re still in those relationships and have children too.

I spend most of my time either working or with my parents. I feel alone even when I’m with other people.

Could you find an online travel/ holiday group for single women? You could find women in a similar situation and could go holidaying with them.

Go it alone.

I know it can be lonely being single but many people are secretly unhappy in relationships/having affairs/harbouring resentments etc.

And don't forget 1 in 2 marriages breakdown, it's not great odds!

Hopefully you'll be happy with someone one day.

This is me. I am 38. I feel your pain and you are not alone

I’d echo what others have said. It sounds like you had an idea of what your life would look like, but you’ve been disappointed. Unfortunately, I think everyone has this realisation that their life isn’t where they thought it’d be at some point in time- even those in relationships and with kids. You don’t know how happy those relationships are, or if they are secretly really struggling with parenthood. Appearances can be very deceiving.
You need to re-frame your outlook. If you want to travel- DO IT. There are companies out there specifically for solo travellers, where you get to travel with like-minded people.
If parenthood is something you really want and you feel it’s something you can do on your own, then do it. Only you can decide if it’s more important to you to have kids, or to have kids with someone in a relationship. Granted, being a single parent is hard in so, so many ways. But there’s a difference between CHOOSING to go it alone and ensuring you have a support network around you, and finding yourself a single parent through no fault of your own. Decide your hierarchy of preferences, and move down them when life has other ideas, eg.

1. have children within a loving relationship
2. go it totally alone (adoption, donor etc.)
3. remain childless
4. have kids with the first (and probably wrong) person to come along

It’s up to you what you choose to do, but there is power in CHOICE.

Life isn‘t always what you expect- shit really does happen, and often to undeserving people- so you just have to make the best of it and decide what’s really important to you and will make you the happiest all things considered.

I’ve been on solo holidays - hate it

Considering going it alone but I’m finding it so overwhelming

Thanks everyone for replies
and sending hugs to those in similar circumstances

I'd go it alone and pay for donor insemination or IVF if needed.
My ex left me after over 10 years of marriage and 2 kids.
But I do remember the pain of being the last single person in my 30s. I remember it vividly.
Being a single parent is hard, very hard but I'd rather be where I am now than being alone without the kids.

Same boat, and about the same age too. It's hard to go somewhere where there's loads of people your own age coupled up, having fun with their kids.

I have an unstable job and if it weren't for my parents, I might be homeless. I know I should be dating all the time, but I've tried a dating app and found all the men on it either unattractive, strange, sleazy or I didn't have anything in common with them. I don't want a lonely, childless life but I also don't want to put myself into upsetting or dangerous situations with random men I've seen online.

have you thought about having kids on your own? If that’s something you really want.

I think it would be better to have them alone then with someone you settle for and then possibly break up and have to coparent with for the rest of your life.

Sorry to hear that, it sounds hard.

What is your idea of "a semi-decent man"? Maybe you could adjust that a bit?

was there no one in your 20s, the mad decade you could have had children with? Have you always been alone?

I split with exh 6 years ago other than one 7 month not quite sure what I've been single since. I can't seem to meet a man. All the men I do meet are either taken or too young. I hate being the single one at weddings or parties or on nights out because the nights out I have now aren't the same as the ones I had in my 20s where you could meet a man.

I'm happy with my life, love my job, have a good social life(when money allows), exercise daily, lots of friends.

I fear I'll be alone now and resent my ex for taking the best years of my life from me.

I never struggle to get dates or men interested but I cannot meet a semi decent man.

I feel the pain & understand the frustration. But don’t fall into the trap of wasting too much time & effort on men who do not meet the mark, just move on quickly.

Instead of solo holidays try group ones which have other solo travellers e.g. exodus, much better adventures etc. just try and live your best life as an individual.

I have a child & I’m now (after a long hard decision) a single parent. I must admit, I find it not too difficult at all. Out of all my friends, there’s only 1 that I would say has a good relationship & is genuinely happy in a nice, equal relationship.

In your shoes, I would do it alone. As long as you have the finances of course. I know 2 ladies that have done this & fully embraced motherhood. 1went in to meet someone but the other is happily single raising her son.

I remember feeling like this a few years ago at a very similar age a few years ago after a break up and failed ivf. I went and did a ton of stuff that would have been impossible in my old life. Ended up staying with a family in Tanzania and studying comedy in Chicago. All while juggling working a lot and a scary mortgage.

I was just going through the motions at first but eventually I got a lot more comfortable with life as it was and in my own skin. I also did a lot of counselling. I met wife shortly after that and we moved in together at the start if lockdown. Very make or break and we've had a roller coaster since but we're really happy. We were going to look at ivf again but just realised we didn't want to go through it all and are gradually working towards the adoption process.

Once you turn 40 you start giving much less of a shite. Now im not saying run away to America and become a lesbian but you still have lots of options. Get happy as you are first. I miss a lot of the stuff I did as a single person now and I know I'll treasure some of the memories when I'm a tired and busy parent. And relationships and kids are hard work. These might be your last freedom years!

I absolutely empathize as I spent the whole pandemic in this lonely situation with all of the fun things about single life like nights out and dates and holidays all banned!

You really really need to make some more friends. Try new things - classes, learn a sport etc- and ask
Friends to introduce you to other nice ladies- you need people to go out with at the weekend. No just to meet men of course but to be adults with and do adult stuff with.

Mums have to make the effort to make mum friends. I think single women in their 30s have to make an effort to meet people in their situation too. I am single with a baby (thought I'd found a good one but he wasn't!) and I have been putting th word out to all my friends to link me up with other single mums with young children to find people in my boat. I'm going on holiday with one and her kids in the new year.

If you want to go away there are some holidays that work well as a single eg fitness boot camp in Thailand (fit men there too?) or learn to scuba dive

Same - my baby makes dating impossible now but I can do dating in my 40s. So glad I've got him despite things being very upsetting with the ex