Women expected to work twice as hard in a relationship? Balancing career, life, marriage, studies? Can't stop feeling sorry for myself. Victim mindset?

[Memyself212]

I can't stop feeling sorry for myself. I think I am having a victim mindset possibly. I need to change my routine from tomorrow and start waking up at 5am every day if I want to have a good lifestyle e.g hit the gym, work, education, house chores, marriage, new house etc

I am very ambitious. I work full time and I travel alot for my job (8 hour shift and sometimes an additional 3-4 hours travelling on the same day) 2-3 days I work from home so it balances it out. I am also studying law part time. I recently purchased a house and in a lot of debt so I want to do a second job in my evenings and my weekends (Or do overtime in my exisiting job). I want to have children in the next 1-2 years and I therefore want to start working extremely hard now so if I need to be a stay at home mom at least I will have some savings for myself. His wages cover our mortgage only (earns less than me) and my wages cover bills/groceries/debts etc. I love working/my career and would still want to continue after having kids.

In the last two months, I have had three major life changes and I need to change my lifestyle now. 1) I need to hit the gym or my health will get bad, 2) I bought a new house and in debt and moving in a couple of months 3) my law academic year begins.

All on top my current commitements - Full time job, married life, family time etc

Any advice how I can stay on top of it all without feeling sorry for myself?

And how is your partner contributing extra?

You can exercise at home - saves travel time. Buddy up with a friend for accountability.

Batch cook. Meaning always cook twice as much and freeze half.

Can your 2nd job be WFH or something that combines exercise - cycle delivery for example? You can drop the gym then.

And again, what is your partner doing to improve household finances.

Sounds like you need to make a realistic plan, rather than write a dream list with everything on it.

By all means look for a second job. Or study law part time. Or hit the gym and get fit.

Trying to make every one of these changes at once? You're just setting yourself up to fail. Make a realistic plan - change the most important thing to you first. Make it stick for a few months. Then consider the next change.

I think it’s less about being a victim and more about better planning - your studies, your budget, etc. And about being realistic - not spend more than you can afford; not take too much on.

It sounds like you bought a really expensive house - and don’t have much of a financial cushion. I am not sure how having kids in
1-2 years can work if you get on maternity and your H’s income only pays for mortgage.

Your studies don’t fit into this plan that well. Unless you are finishing soon - i’d pause them.

As you said - you need to build up savings to have kids. I’d focus on that - jointly with your H. He needs to do his share.

Or - maybe when you have the child - he stays home and take a paid paternity leave?

The reason i am saying your studies don’t fit - is that if you need to be mindful of your health (exercise, etc) - working two jobs, degree, gym and 5am wake ups - will not help your health at all. Would only make you really tired and drained.

I don't think I'd have a baby whilst all that's going on. It sounds very stressful. Something has to give. And you need to be sure DP will step up either in terms of time caring for a child, domestic chores,or earning power.

Or all three of those things, actually.

Are you enjoying it?

Are you looking forward to it?

Having it all feels a bit dated somehow but if that's what you want then you need to make sure DH is onboard for the journey otherwise you will fall apart from the stress.

Perhaps make a more detailed plan with short, medium and long term goals / milestones. There's nothing wrong with ambition but it's a mistake to try to do everything all at once.

@muchalover Thank you for your advise. I will try batch cooking.

@justonemoreuser - I know I need to make a realistic plan and hoping I can make it work! All of these things are so important to me

@Memyself212 His wages cover our mortgage only (earns less than me) and my wages cover bills/groceries/debts etc. I love working/my career and would still want to continue after having kids.

I hope the mortgage is under your name too because if your marriage doesn’t work out he gets to keep the house.

@MMmomDD - Thank you for your advice, I really appreciate all your valid points and will try my best to make it work

@WineAndFireside I know my partner will support me with a child but I do agree I need to put that on a back seat for possibly 1-2 years.

@GirlWithGuitar To be honest I do enjoy all of these aspects of my life and I am looking forward to it. But I do feel run down on energy and when burnout kicks in then I am stressing out.

I think I just need a realistic plan to make it sustainable for the long term?
I like your idea on breaking it all down in manageable chunks

Why are you studying law if you want to potentially be a stay at home mum in 2 years?

Why do you think women are expected to work twice as hard? Does your DH get up at 5am? doe she work as long hours as you? Do you expect him to?

DH and I both work FT, have 2 kids, we're also both studying for our respective degrees now too.

Why do you think you'll 'need' to be a SAHM?

You can workout from home on a morning, or go running? I've joined Joe Wicks, I get up at 6am and d a 30 min workout 4 days a week.
Buying a house and having debt is normal, it takes a few months to catch up with everything but then you'll settle into a new normal

Married life isn't an active commitment, is it?

@ChatBFP I didn't say that? I would get child care as I continue to become a lawyer

@QforCucumber - What do you mean by "Married life isn't an active commitment, is it?"

Thank you for your advice. So you are married, both work FT, have kids and are studying and you're still getting your workout in.

How do you plan your time? Can you give me some inspo?

What is a SAHM?

How is your partner contributing to all this? I see that this has already been asked, but not answered.

You sound like you are driving yourself too hard. I am all for ambition and hard work, but only if you thrive on it and it makes you feel strong and good and in the right place. Your post is full of stress and self-imposed ridiculous demands.

You genuinely think, on top of a full time job and study for a law degree, that you should be taking on a second job and hitting the gym, while prepping to become a mother? Why? Who is driving these demanding, contradictory messages?

I think you need to plan more and prioritise. If you need extra money now, get a second job and put the law study on hold. Or focus on fast-tracking the law study so you can increase your income by becoming a lawyer, and recognise you'll have little money until then.

I'd put having children on hold for a few years until these two aspects of life are more secure. You will be financially worse off once a child arrives, due to overall expense of raising a baby and either income loss or childcare costs. So why add that level of physical and financial stress to the stress of a new house, study etc?

AsPP have said, cut time and costs by doing free online workouts at home. There are some excellent ones lasting from 5 minutes to an hour. Loads of variety, from yoga to bodyweight, HIIT and free weights etc. Free, convenient and flexible.

You say "I bought a house".

are you married.? Is your partner doing his share of chores?

i have done work full time, study and gym, but wasn't planning a baby and was single. My parents barely saw me though I managed to see friends a bit.

@LusaBatoosa He said he will do some overtime work and help out around the house as much as he can.

It's no wonder you are burnt out and exhausted! I don't think getting up even earlier is going to help that. You have too much on. I don't think you can physically work two jobs and study part time, I certainly couldn't. You are setting completely unrealistic expectations for yourself and you will only be disappointed when you fail to meet them, which you will, because they are impossible. You need to prioritise. Which of these aspects is most important to you? Make time for that one. This will mean cutting back in other areas.

@TotalOverhaul I appreciate your honesty and detailed reply.

I really want to do all these things as I am passionate about it. I understand that having a baby may be difficult whilst I am juggling the rest so I know I need to reconsider that for 1-2 years.

The second job I was thinking more on the weekend and in the evenings. Gym I agree I can do at home workouts somehow, I really need to look into that.

I want to have a baby before i become too old :( I was thinking I could use childcare for that using the income from my second job possibly. My husband will do some overtime work as well and help me around the house etc.

I have already put the law study on hold for 2 years and cant delay that any longer. Once I do become qualified, the starting salary is quite basic.

@AltheaVestr1t - My full time job is a hybrid job so some level of stress is reduced from that and then I was thinking to use my weekends on the second job and my evenings for study.

Is that unrealistic?

So, you currently outearn him and are looking at getting a second job, but he’s going to do ‘some overtime’? How much? And how much will that contribute?

‘Help around the house as much as he can’? Why is him doing chores seen as ‘help’, as opposed to doing his share? What does ‘as much as he can’, mean? How is housework currently split?

You want yo know how it’s possible to ‘have it all’? By choosing a supportive partner who pulls their weight. Do you have one?

He's going to "help out around the house as much as he can".

It's a sentence that is filled with implications that make my heart sink for you.

For a start, why is he "helping out"? If you are married and you have a home together, it is a joint effort to make things work in the house whether that's daily chores, finances, bigger projects etc. He's not "helping". He's your partner.

Then "as much as he can"? what does that mean? It sounds completely optional. So if he feels like? Or has time? or whatever? But otherwise, it's all on you?!

No, do not have a baby yet. You need to figure out what you want and what you can do and then decide what is practical based on what he wants and is willing to do.