Women expected to work twice as hard in a relationship? Balancing career, life, marriage, studies? Can't stop feeling sorry for myself. Victim mindset?

[Memyself212]

I can't stop feeling sorry for myself. I think I am having a victim mindset possibly. I need to change my routine from tomorrow and start waking up at 5am every day if I want to have a good lifestyle e.g hit the gym, work, education, house chores, marriage, new house etc

I am very ambitious. I work full time and I travel alot for my job (8 hour shift and sometimes an additional 3-4 hours travelling on the same day) 2-3 days I work from home so it balances it out. I am also studying law part time. I recently purchased a house and in a lot of debt so I want to do a second job in my evenings and my weekends (Or do overtime in my exisiting job). I want to have children in the next 1-2 years and I therefore want to start working extremely hard now so if I need to be a stay at home mom at least I will have some savings for myself. His wages cover our mortgage only (earns less than me) and my wages cover bills/groceries/debts etc. I love working/my career and would still want to continue after having kids.

In the last two months, I have had three major life changes and I need to change my lifestyle now. 1) I need to hit the gym or my health will get bad, 2) I bought a new house and in debt and moving in a couple of months 3) my law academic year begins.

All on top my current commitements - Full time job, married life, family time etc

Any advice how I can stay on top of it all without feeling sorry for myself?

A SAHM is a Stay at home Mum.

You asked how to balance all of your wants in addition to 'All on top my current commitments - Full time job, married life, family time'

married life in itself isn't really a time consuming commitment I don't find.

*Thank you for your advice. So you are married, both work FT, have kids and are studying and you're still getting your workout in.

How do you plan your time? Can you give me some inspo?*

Not really active time planning, but DH and I both have short commutes (under 20 mins each way) we have compromised on salaries for this life balance. We earn very similar salaries to each other. Have a 4 bed house which, while there are things we would change, we won't move due to convenience. Kids school is a 10 min walk from home and is OFSTED outstanding and both are doing fabulously (they're 7 and 3) We have a rock solid childminder who is worth her weight in gold.

and the biggest, most important factor in it all - we are both on the same page for everything, parenting, priorities, life, we share the kids sickness 50:50. We share the household 50;50. We each lean on the other and make each others lives easier not harder.

IMO you cannot do everything all at once, so you have to decide what your priorities are.

How old are you? You sound quite young from your posts.

@DirectionToPerfection - I am 35, what did I say that makes me sound naive/young?

I am trying to work hard and be practical hence my question

@QforCucumber That sounds amazing! I wish you all the best and I know I need to split responsibilties 50/50. I love what you said about making things easier for each other, not difficult

Sorry to say it’s your mindset

leave the housework, cooking and laundry - let your dp pick up his actual 50% share and if you leave it he’ll get used to picking it up himself - he’s neither a child and nor are you his mum

For those who are married, It doesn't matter whose name the property or mortgage is in.

In the event of a split it is considered a joint asset.

My husband will do some overtime work as well and help me around the house etc

why? Why would he help you doesn’t he live there?

@MikeRafone I understand now

I am not sure anyone really has it all (including men) and it is not a helpful expression. Assuming by "having it all", you mean having a career and family as well as some element of me time, the difference is lots of men do not expect or even want to have it all, in that they are happy to leave the parenting to their wives.

I think (in a 2 parent family - appreciate things are even harder for single parents), there are 4 main approaches to balancing of careers and family:

1. the traditional model - DH has the main career (and is main earner). DW is a SAHP or works very part time
2. the reverse of the traditional model - DW has the main career (and is main earner). DH is a SAHP or works very part time
3. divide it up - both maintain their careers but on reduced hours (so say each works 3 days a week, reducing childcare needs to 1 day)
4. outsource - both maintain full-on full-time careers and have full time childcare, cleaner etc

All are capable of working (we have done some 4 and some 2). Obviously there are variations on the themes and all have compromises. I dont think any of them involves either parent having it all. Option 3 is closest on paper, but does require both parents to contribute equally to childcare and housework, and does mean both are compromising their pay and potentially career progression. Option 4 also requires both parents to contribute equally to childcare and housework (although the outside help reduces the amount).

I have always been the higher (sometimes only) earner working longer hours and have been clear to DH from the start that he needs to pick up the slack at home. He is fine with that so it works, but the reality is that even in the years when he was a SAHP (DC are now young adults), i was more hands on/involved day to day with the DC than some of my male colleagues in an equivalent position. However, this was not because DH would not have picked up the slack but because that is how i wanted it and was prepared to make the extra effort to achieve it. I think some of my younger male colleagues with younger DC are closer to my approach and want more involvement with their DC. Maybe because of the time they got to spend with their DC during lock down.

The idea that it's possible to do all of those things at the same time (and not have a nervous breakdown) seems naive to me, and indicative of someone who hasn't had a huge amount of life experience.

Not saying that to have a go, it's just how it came across.

I think you'll be happier in the long run if you can slow down a bit and learn to be content with the things that are achievable right now, rather than striving so hard to "have it all."

Meant to quote this post above.

OP are you from UK? I'm from continental Europe and in my home country women actually do have it all. For example even very responsible jobs don't require long hours, we have affordable childcare, very long fully paid maternity leave and men tend to do their share.
I have noticed women in UK repeating like mantra "we can't have it all" - yes you can but you need support, from government policies, from partners etc and yes it will take time. It does become like self fulfilling prophecy because if people have this mentality of "nothing can be done, this is what it is" the there is no push for change and then it's being passed down to daughters as well.

Everything starts with our beliefs. If your belief is that a woman has to work twice as hard and has to do everything in relationship then that's exactly how your life will unfold. First you need to understand that you deserve all the things that you want. And you deserve to be supported on that journey.

Does it mean everything will go as planned? Not necessarily but you are hugely increasing your chances if you have a clear vision and support in place.

DO NOT get up at 5am, doing too much makes you ill. I've been there.
Either your partner gets off his arse and does more or your standards drop.

I'm going to focus on fitness, because I think you are going to exhaust yourself there for no reason.

I dont know what health issue you had that has triggered this focus on getting fit but there are time-efficient ways of doing it. Rather than spending time and a lot of money on travelling to a member's gym, the simplest is to buy some trainers and download couch to 5k. It makes far more sense to eg get up at 630, do half an hour of exercise outside 3 x a week and then jump in the shower and start your breakfast feeling relaxed and fresh at 730. The other days you have half an hour to do a focused study task, or some chores, or do a Yoga with Adrienne work out off YouTube if you want to add more exercise in. I'd also consider parkrun on Saturdays as its such a nice vibe and a good commitment to your own health. Nice thing to do with your partner as well.

It does sound as if you are determined to do things the most challenging way! You may want to crack on with having a baby - everything will change then but not necessarily for the worse. Get used to cutting corners.

@OP

You say in your OP that "if I become a stay at home mom" or did you just mean cover maternity leave?

OP is English your first language?

You're still avoiding the question of what your partner does, and in terms of "women expectations" I don't think anyone expects a woman to do a second job, a law degree etc. I might expect to hear this from some of my cousins who live in countries where women are "expected" to do everything but that doesn't mean you have to do it.

I was 25 when I did long hours + study + gym and I knew it was a two year period and then I'd have more free time, but you will have children.

You are putting yourself under too much pressure. Why is money so tight and why can't your partner do overtime now?

why do you want to do law when you want to be a SAHM, it's incredibly competitive and not family friendly for newly qualified. I think you're unrealistic.