resenting being a carer

[HappFridays]

My father had a stroke in June - his memory has been affected as a result. I live in the same village and support with shopping, medications and bills etc. I have 3 jobs - start at 6am and do not finish until 7.30pm. Singe and trying to make ends meet and see my daughter through university
My sister lives locally - has a good job, partner moved in and they are very well off. She enjoys weekends away and everything has fallen on my shoulders as I am single, daughter moved to uni
I don't want to be a carer - I am in my 50's and just exhausted with my life.
Care for my mother who had parkinsons and it was a slow painful drawn out illness.
Feeling selfish and this would be so much easier if I had a partner to give me a hug and go through this with.

I'm sorry. that sounds tough, all I can suggest practically advice, is you investigate if there are any supports available for your dad that might in time lighten your load. Can he get some home help . Tell your sister you need her to take on one or two tasks - why should the load be yours alone?

What's the situation with your sister? What are the reasons she isn't helping?

You need to challenge her on this and share the load.

And as a PP said, find out what other help is out there. Although arranging it will be another headache. Your sister needs to be 50% on all this.

I can relate.

I ended up caring for my dad when he was ill for 18 months, because mine was the most flexible job. Two siblings just popped in when they felt like it but took no responsibility and I felt so resentful. It didn't help that my dad was so negative and miserable with it, so I felt really drained every time I went round there.

I then felt massively guilty for feeling resentful! Luckily my dad has recovered to a certain extent and doesn't need much support now, but it sounds like your situation will be ongoing.

All I would say is - speak to your family and explain how you feel. He's their dad too and they need to step up. Be brutally honest about it.

If you can arrange to get away for a weekend/week for a break, just book it and tell them they're in charge. Try and offload some of the jobs, such as getting prescriptions and groceries set up to be delivered, maybe look at something like Wiltshire farm foods for his meals.

Also, age uk can be helpful for advice, your dad may be entitled to some outside help/care.

Tell your sister you need to talk about hiring and financing a carer before your relationships hit the skids.
It shouldn't be expected that one person takes the bulk of the responsibility.

Thank you all for your kind replies and suggestions. For the past 4 weeks the sister has been away every weekend - London, Brighton, Cotswolds - she didn't let me know just saw the photos on face book. Had another difficult weekend - she cooked Sunday lunch for dad and told me to have a "day off" I had a distressed call at 4pm from dad saying he was bleeding and in pain. My sister had dropped hi off in this state. I managed to get the out of hours district nurse in and his catheter was blocked and has a UTI. All in all took 5 hours waiting.. so much for a "day off". The sister just told him to book a GP appointment on Monday or to phone me .
Carers are going in in the mornings as I work 12 hour days and physically can not go round until 7.30pm by which time he is tired and can be verbally aggressive

@exerciseviligance It didn't help that my dad was so negative and miserable with it, so I felt really drained every time I went round there.
I can relate to this - I dread the visits -never know what I am walking into and I leave feeling so drained and depressed. Does not help that I return to an empty house.
I am going to review the care visits and just keep going. Yesterdays events has made me realise how selfish my sister is - we have never been close and before dad became poorly we rarely saw one another. So when the day comes that dad passes I will distance myself again from her

Don't blame your sister. People have different boundaries. I was a single parent to a toddler caring for my grandparents (my profession is also a carer) and I started to resent my siblings. But then realised I'd made my choice and they had made theirs and it was time I asked for more help.

Don't flame me for this but they are in a care home now. Well looked after and I get to visit them as my grandparents rather than someone I care for. You probably think I'm terrible for that but it's allowed me to have the relationship back and my children to visit in a relaxed environment.

Speak to Adult social care OP- you need help. Your sister sounds like my brother......

You must stop this. Your DF needs other support.

My family was like this with my DGM. Some would make a big fuss of one meal out and then drop her off in a dark house and speed away. That was them done for months. Or look after her once for a few days and it would all be too much. Meantime my DA and I were working, I was a single parent and getting groceries at 7am for her before work, booking appointments, chasing things up. On and on even with carers.

Your sister is extremely selfish.

It’s her father too but she’s expecting you to carry the load.

It isn’t that uncommon, I know 3 sisters all of whom are nurses, and 2 of them expected the other one to take all the load when their father was ill. Like you, she had good morals and she did it.

Getting back to your sister, you unfortunately can’t make her care and help, but like others have said you really need to get help.

You’re a good person.

Good luck 💐

@NorthernLights5 I totally understand that you now have quality time with your grandparents now that they are in residential care - dad is just not at that stage yet.
@user1471538283 I too get up at the crack of dawn to do his shopping/re order medications etc - work full time, have a second job and a single mum.
I took some time to myself and visited a church - quiet solitude time and realised people have different morals and boundaries. Sister always been selfish and complete opposite to me.
Had a quieter couple of weeks and can increase the care if needed
Thank you for taking time for your messages

As someone who is disabled and reliant on someone to help me,
PLEASE DO NOT ‘CARE’ FOR SOMEONE IF YOU DONT WANT TO DO IT.

Im sorry for shouting but it’s soul destroying when someone who is ‘your career’ do it reluctantly and is getting resentful.

You say your dad isn’t quite at the stage of being in residential care. Are you sure?
Because what you are describing is someone who is struggling to cope EVEN WITH the carers coming etc…. Just look at what happened at the weekend.

Id gently suggest you review what’s going on in a very factual way. Look at care homes around you. Wouldn’t your dad get better care and be happier if there was someone with him at all time - to call for an ambulance if he is bleeding for example. To make the evenings easier. The days easier so he isn’t as tired in the evening and therefore grumpy and aggressive.

And most importantly, is there any way he can cope if you are not there everyday the way you are atm?

I think @LeRougeEtLeNoir is right - it doesn't sound like he's in the right place anymore. Maybe sheltered housing if not a care-home?

Why can't he get a carer ? I will not be my Mums carer although I am her PA !

I get someone in to take her out 2 x a week and she goes to clubs 2 x a week .

The rest of the time she is on her own unless I go but that's her choose .

There is zero life left for me if I parenting and then being a carer while working.

If it costs her all her money then so be it . If you dad doesn't have any it will be paid .

Get a assessment done .

Thank you for your comments. He has carers in the mornings 7 days a week but he is insistent on getting washed and dressed himself - they just do some cleaning and make sure he has taken his medications. It is more reassurance for me as I can not see him during the day as I work 2 jobs and he has lost the ability to text or answer his phone (or choses not to as sometimes he can use his phone). He does not like the carers and does not like people in general - I have suggested extra care housing and he said he could not think of anything worse. He is now saying he will cancel the carers as I can go in after my 12 hour day (8pm) and at the weekends as I already do his shopping on the Saturday. He has capacity and can cancel the care if that is his choice. Social services have said he is not eligible for residential care as he is independent with personal care and he wants to stay at home. Sister has already said she and her partner will be having a 'family Christmas' and will be away visiting her partners parents so it is all left to me again. Sorry feeling tired and sorry for myself today

You need to put your foot down. I appreciate that your dad still has capacity but he doesn't have the authority over your life; this will likely come as a shock to him.

This was my situation with my DM. She refused carers for years and so in the end I held my hands up and admitted that I just could not do it anymore. My DF, her husband, is now her carer and he is completely depressed and still works full time like you. He will not put up boundaries and his needs always come second as mine used to.

You need to explain to your DF that you have your own child and your own life and that you cannot keep caring for him without making yourself unwell. As cruel as it sounds, he will have to accept their help soon enough if you stop visiting everyday.

Your sister doesn’t have to help.

You don’t have to be a carer.

Does your dad have money or assets? If so employ carers and other help (cleaner and meal service). If not tell the local authority a date you will be ceasing care and they will need to take over.

You dont have to exhaust yourself - outsourcing care will give you your life back, you need to give yourself permission to do that and not feel guilty or you’re going to make yourself ill

@HappFridays this is ridiculous! I'm all for family caring for relatives as long as possible (I think it's horrible in British culture how much people neglect their elderly relatives) however considering you have a child and are working and have your own life, it's too much for you to go there every single day, when there are carers who can check in on him.

This is one of the issues with people having far fewer children these days, in addition to the individualist culture. With larger families you can much more easily spread out the load of caring for elderly/sick older relatives.

Make it very clear to him that it's his choice if he stops his carers but you're unable to visit him each day (say how many days you're able to do e.g. one or two week days a week in addition to the wekend) and this wont change. You need time for yourself and your own family.

In your dad's position there's no way I'd want the same child to be coming every single day when they're working and have their own child to look after/spend quality time with, plus the need for you to rest and have your own free time after a long working day. The fact he wants to do this to you is very selfish behaviour and uncaring about his own child (you) :( I'm ready to bet he's been self centred like this in younger years and you've grown up to be a people pleaser. Also rope in your sister - have a sit down talk with how on how you're both going to share the load of supporting your dad. You need boundaries otherwise you just end up being cruelly used.

He lives in a large 4 bed cottage - has savings and highest rate attendance allowance. Refused meals service - requests smoked salmon sandwiches from Marks and Spencer and ready meals. It is my fault for not setting the boundaries. Makes it even harder that when my mother was poorly he was horrid to her and safeguarding had to become involved and she ended up in a nursing home as it was not safe for her to stay at home with dad. He is quite a manipulative man - states he is weak and struggling but on Saturday he was in the pub at 11am till 2pm drinking wine whilst I was running around to get his shopping.

@HappFridays The fact he wants to do this to you is very selfish behaviour and uncaring about his own child (you) :( I'm ready to bet he's been self centred like this in younger years and you've grown up to be a people pleaser.
This is so true - always been controlling and selfish. Sister is a complete different character than me and I think he is taking advantage of my kind nature. I am torn as people in the village are stopping me saying how frail he looks and what support am I giving him so I feel it is all eyes on me. My anxiety is so high as it was me that found him when he fell, it was me that found him when he had a stoke and it seems it has always been me to sort out any medical issues recently calling for paramedics, district nurse etc so that is why I feel I have to be there every day. Especially when the sister cancelled the ambulance that I called for dad stating I was being over dramatic when he has a severe infection and needed urgent medial admission.

Hi OP. You need to explain to your dad that you can't come round every day and therefore feel he should go into a home. If he doesn't want to that's on him. Say what you can and what you can't do and stick to it. Don't get upset with your sister. She doesn't have to be a career any more than you do if you don't want to.

After you latest update I'd take a step back.

The fact he can go to the Pub while you do his shopping....come on OP..... surely you can see he's taking the piss.

The treatment of your Mother sounds awful.

Maybe your sister is doing the right thing, after all.

If you're going to continue doing his shopping, just do it online, don't physically do it. Have an order set up and time slot, and just do it that way.

I think you have to be firm with him and say you will not be doing the care - if he cancels the carers, then he'll have to fend for himself.

You work 2 jobs, do not go around every night. You need to drop the rope before you get ill yourself. You need to set those boundaries and stick to them.

Don't worry about what people say, or if you do, just say "oh dad's impossible, he keeps threatening to stop having the carers etc".

OP it's sounds like you've been a huge help to you dad which I'm sure he's really grateful for, but it's completely understandable that you cannot - or do not want - to continue like this. You have a life worth living and you are not a professional carer.

Isn't this the sort of situation that adult social care is designed for? Can you or your dad get the ball rolling by calling the council?

OP you need to stop this. You are making your self Ill and damaging your relationship with your father.
There is such as thing as being too caring. Your Father sounds very capable but enjoys pulling your strings and watching you jump. But he’s pulling so hard at the moment it’s risking you breaking.
I think you need to step back. Limit your visits and push him to do more.
Food now can be delivered, medicine as well. If he can’t dress , he needs Carers to help him or different clothes. If his home is not meeting his needs he needs to consider moving or adaptions to improve his independence.
Enabling him to dictate what you do with your life and when is not healthy. You are his daughter not his carer. Follow your sisters example and create boundaries, be selfish you have the right to a life too.