resenting being a carer

[HappFridays]

My father had a stroke in June - his memory has been affected as a result. I live in the same village and support with shopping, medications and bills etc. I have 3 jobs - start at 6am and do not finish until 7.30pm. Singe and trying to make ends meet and see my daughter through university
My sister lives locally - has a good job, partner moved in and they are very well off. She enjoys weekends away and everything has fallen on my shoulders as I am single, daughter moved to uni
I don't want to be a carer - I am in my 50's and just exhausted with my life.
Care for my mother who had parkinsons and it was a slow painful drawn out illness.
Feeling selfish and this would be so much easier if I had a partner to give me a hug and go through this with.

He is quite a manipulative man - states he is weak and struggling but on Saturday he was in the pub at 11am till 2pm drinking wine whilst I was running around to get his shopping.
And that shows you can take a step back.
Food shopping, online delivery. If he has a freezer he can freeze milk and defrost a carton a couple of times a week. So a shop only needed twice a month at most. If he wants M&S sandwiches he’ll find a way of getting them.
Meds can be delivered by most local pharmacies or there’s at least one that delivers by post.
Set your hours and days twice a week and once over weekend? Tell your sister her days of responsibility will be x, y and z. How she arranges her responsibility is up to her.
A helpless , frail person is one thing but a man who can get himself to the pub is another.

He has trained you very well, without you even realising it.

Tell him "no, I cannot come and see you every day after work. I work long Days and am exhausted. If you cancel the carers I will NOT be doing their work."

And then ignore his calls (and your sisters) when he tries to guilt trip you. If he's ill enough he can call an ambulance. He can order a takeaway (if he can go to the pub he can do that!) when he's hungry.

You can't make your sister become a carer. I don't blame her really. It's not her responsibility, nor is it yours to be there every day. Your dad is selfish to expect you there every day. You need to tell him you can't be there. If he cancels the carers that's on him. You sound very kind so I'm sure it's a worry for you!

@HappFridays he sounds abusive. The way he treated your mother is heartbreaking and shows his character. Possibly he has a personality disorder?

Stop allowing him to abuse you. People like your dad don't have empathy. This is very hard to accept when you're naturally like you, empathetic, and been manipulated growing up to be a people pleaser. Not having boundaries with them just enables their abusive behaviour and rewards them for coldly using other people. Having boundaries is actually the kindest thing you can do to him because over time it will force him to reflect on his own behaviour.

Whatever you do, do not visit him everyday, you need time to rest and be with your child and have your own life. It's actually very wicked what he's doing, knowing the strain it would put on you and the knock on impact on your child, and not caring whatsoever as long as he gets his own way. If he can go to the pub when he wants to he's not a helpless frail old man in need of everyday caring anyway. Only help him out with things he genuinely needs.

Thank you for your comments. I always distanced my self from my father before he had a stroke - due to how he treated my mother, being incredibly negative and manipulative and also verbally aggressive depending on how much he had been drinking. I ended up in a very abusive relationship with my daughters father and with no doubt it is a reflection of my childhood. Sister has similar traits so I distanced myself from her too so I guess my biggest struggle has been having to see them both on a regular basis. Sister is basically a bully and very selfish. I have stopped going every night now - I have come down with a chest infection which is probably because I have not had time for myself. It was just a matter of time before I became poorly. Your comments are completely right - if he can go to the pub he is not frail and needy or housebound. He goes to the pub every morning and afternoon. Has a pint of beer at 11am - the consultant was so shocked as his life style is so unhealthy and he is just putting himself at risk of another stroke. I am angry I have allowed my self to be manipulated by him.

Seriously OP, he does not sound like a nice or kind man at all. He treated your mother badly and he is now doing the same to you.

Forget about your sister, you cannot make her do what she does not wish to do and, by the sounds of it, she may feel he does not deserve the care of his family given the way he treated them.

Put yourself first. It will be difficult, he has done a great job of making you his servant.

If he cancels his carers, that's too bad. You are exhausted and have your own life to lead. Tell him from now on you will do his shopping online and have it delivered to him. You will pop in once during the week and once at the weekend.

If he is able to go to the pub he is capable of looking after himself, going to the pharmacy, shop, phoning the doctor etc.

Stick to your boundaries. Do not allow him to ruin your life.

OP I hope you feel better soon.
Stay strong and put your health and well-being first x

Update; so he has cancelled the carers at the weekend -he did not discuss this or tell me - the care agency said as he has capacity he can do this. I made it very clear to him that I will not be available every weekend to make his bed and clean (this is what the carer did) He will probably cancel the carers in the week too. It annoys him as he wants to get to the pub at 11 and if the carers are late this makes him cross. Like wise when I visit at the weekends it is dictated by the times he goes to the pub . He told my sister that I had cancelled the carers?? !! Had a very difficult conversation with the sister - totally patronising - she will not take on board that I am working 12/.14 hours a day and have a life of my own. I physically can not do his shopping this weekend as my car is in the garage - I mentioned on line shopping to simplify things and she said she will do it if I can not "cope" She wants me to go in at the weekends as I live closest - again made it clear I will not pander to him as it was his decision to cancel care and boundaries need setting. It has almost become a competition for her as she tells me all of the things she and her partner have done for dad - sorted his broadband out, took him to mums grave - again that is her choice, I don't need to know and I won't praise her for it but it seems she is trying to make me feel guilty. I planned to meet up with friends this weekend that I have not seen for ages because of dad but just feel like cancelling because the sister will check up to see if I have spent time with him. She made a big deal about having dad for Xmas day (I have spent every Christmas day with him for years as she always makes excuses not to - the irony is my daughter will be at her dads and I will be on my own xmas day! not bothered I will enjoy the peace to be honest. Feel over whelmed again.

I feel very sorry for you.

You are in an abusive relationship with your father.

I would highly recommend you ring Women's aid for a chat.

You are being manipulated and abused.

He abused your mother and now you.

You need to ring services and tell them you will no longer be involved in your fathers care.

He is abusive and the chest infection is a real warning to you that your health is in peril.

As posters all we can do is advise.

This is your life and you are not at the beck and call of a highly abusive man.

Block his number.
Do not go near him.
You can do this.

Abused people successfully step away from abusers all the time.
Choose yourself.
Choose your health.
You owe this horror absolutely nothing.
He can go to the pub twice a day?
What a total fool he has made of you.
Take responsibility for yourself and stop being made a total mug of by him.

I was in a very abusive relationship with my daughters father - when my mother was alive she said I had chosen someone exactly like my father and now I realise what she meant. I almost feel like I have PTSD. Not only is he abusive my sister is too.

BackAgainstWall · 20/11/2023 08:43

Your sister is extremely selfish”

No, she isn’t. Parents who expect their children to provide personal care are.

Why don't you just stop doing it?

Tell him you're exhausted, step back, and make him either pay for care or wait till the inevitable crisis occurs. Then you can tell him to call your sister and see how far he gets. Not far at all.

I think your sister is being really sensible as she has set boundaries and is sticking to them.

He doesn't even sound grateful for you.

Absolutely right.

The sister is protecting herself and the OP is running herself ragged.

Not only is he abusive my sister is too

Why on earth are you giving unpaid care to an abusive man?

You can't say the sister is extremely selfish, the fact of the matter is that he is not capable of looking after himself and I know op probably doesn't want to hear this but perhaps he needs to be in a home where he can be looked after 24/7

My mother had dementia. One evening I was sitting next to my OH with tears dripping off my chin and he said I had to choose between him and my mother. He had been very good to her, taking a meal round every evening etc.
I found a very good residential home that took her. Luckily I had POA and sold her house to pay the fees.
I would call in to see her at various times and everything was fine.
I was advised to get social workers involved in case the money ran out and they were so awful that I made an official complaint about them.

If you carry on like this you will be ill. Also, I was once in a similar position and regret so much that it led to me being unaware of the mental struggles my own child was going through and they ended up on anti-anxiety medicines which they still need 4 years later.
Your updates tell of a very selfish and uncaring df, and you need to set strict boundaries of which days you can visit. I'd say no more than 3. If he can phone you to say he's bleeding he can phone 111.

@Freddiefan I work in social care and know the battle you must have had. Residential care is the last resort - they will try everything - carers 4 x a day tele care night sits, encourage family members to pick up the flack and stay over before they will even consider residential care. I know what is ahead of me! I speak to family members who are called through out the night -forced to provide the care as the parent refuses professional help it is harrowing to hear and now I am in this horrid situation.

Your father is abusive.

Your sister may be a generally selfish person but if she wants little to do with your abusive father, I certainly wouldn't blame her.
It's her choice, just like it's yours.

Stop blaming YOUR choices on her.

Take responsibility for the fact you have chosen to be a mug to your fathers needs.

You could call adult services and tell them you are done with your abusive father.

You could block his number.

Life is difficult and hard, people make tough choices every day.

You can choose to be a mug to your abusive father or you can stancd up for yourself.

You owe him absolutely nothing.

Neither does your sister.

All you have to do is refuse.

Nobody can make you get up in the night to deal with your father.

Just say no.

Keep saying no as PP said. I hate this "it falls to the children" lark. Especially those of us not lucky enough to be financially solvent and still have to work, care for kids and have our own health battles.

My Mum has thankfully stopped saying the "well it is pay back for the care I gave to you when you were a child", as I told her "you chose to have me, as I have chosen to have my kids. I am not going to throw it back in their faces and expect them to be my carers, they didnt chose to be my kids as I didnt chose to be yours!"

Work out what YOU are happy with doing, as your sister has, and your dad can put up with it.

@HappFridays but you won't be in this "horrid situation" unless you choose to be. You're an adult and need to take responsibility for your own decisions. If you're letting your dad take advantage of you, that's on you.

If you step back and your dad can't cope with being on his own, he will get the carers back, don't worry about that. He's fine for other people like you to suffer but abusers are too self centred to let themselves suffer. He will look after number 1.

There's no reason for you to be shopping for him in the first place when he's able bodied enough to ruin his health in the pub and can easily order online delivery.

By all means continue how you are, but you have only yourself to blame when you become sick with stress and no proper down time and miss out on precious time with your child 💐