why is it even if you work pt, your still expected to all the housework and raise the kids, as you "only" work part time?

[mrsdannydyer]

yes im getting sick and tired of being expected to do everything as i "only" work part time.

so i do both school runs, look after the kids after school, work when the kids are at school, then at weekends and evenings i do everything. cook meals, wash up, make lunches, clean kitchen, bathroom, hoover, washing, ironing.

would i be better off work ft? then me and dh will be at work the same amount of time ?

get a cleaner!

Did you see the media reports at the weekend about the Church now issuing guidance on how to make marriages work? They've published a meaty pamphlet, I think ... a book, even?

Anyway, I'm not religious, but I thought the first of their Ten Commandments for making a marriage work was telling: decide who is going to do which chores. It's clearly a universal sticking point.

You shouldn't be doing everything, so don't. Discuss with your dh what all the chores are, and divide them between you. If he won't cooperate, choose your own half and see if he pulls his finger out - although if he doesn't, this wouldn't really be sustainable, and you will need to sort this out somehow. Counselling? Seems drastic, but the underlying message of you being general dogsbody and chores being "your" responsibility is corrosive.

Good luck.

I'd second getting a cleaner, if you can possibly afford it, for the, erm, cleaning side of things. But you and your dh can and should share all the other stuff: cooking, washing-up, making packed lunches, etc.

I work p/t and do most of the cleaning as I think that dh can't clean/do school run if he is at work!

dh does most of the cooking

w/ends we don't do much as I have done it all on Friday on my 'day off' (HAHAHAHAHA)

make a list of what needs doing and then work out who wants to do what, sort it out

(also, I hope you are not married to Danny Dyer, he is really annoying!)

i just want him to do his fair share, id like to see that pamplet
Ten Commandments for making a marriage work

it used to be so easy, when we both worked fulltime and had no kids much easier to divide the chores then.

Probably the single most corrosive thing in couple-relationships is the number of men who think that women are domestic appliances not people.

show him facts. Work out your weekly hours - part time employment plus the hours you spend on kid/home stuff. And his working week. show him how many more hours you do than him, and tell him you expect him to split the difference.

As your kids are at school and you seem to be working only during school hours (or so I've read it from OP) then I think it's reasonable that you do more in the way of cooking, maybe popping to the supermarket after school, whizzing the hoover around. After all, your DH can't do these things if he's not there can he! However, if he's taking the piss and expecting you to do housework all weekendt while he puts his feet up, then I'd have words with him

i work pt, dh ft

I do most of cleaning and have cleaner, I do all the shcool runs (99%) and all the kisd related stuff, inc packed lunches

he tidies and folds and puts washing away, loads dishwasher, does rubbish, mends everything, makes and cleans out fires, does garden

I think I have it easy tbh

ahh but when I have done that hecate- (i work 21 hours Pw), he simply says 'look at my income compared to yours' and yes I earn about 1/5 of the total income, si I dont get anywhere with that argumenbt either.

My Mum said to me a long time ago- you simply put up with it or you bugger off.
Some men just dont and wont do it.

I cope by trying to keep organised, (which is sometimes laughable)

but it does make me unhappy sometimes and makes me resent him sometimes too.

Have no answers, but empathise!!

I 'work' until 6 just like dh

dont put feet up unitl later, just like dh

am at work but then 'mum workign' - shopping, cooking, cleaning, tending etc

Novacane - can you justify the fact that you earn less by the fact that you also bear more of the domestic burden, thereby rendering you unavailable for a more lucrative and time-consuming job?

I am better qualified than my partner, and just as intelligent (though we have different strengths) and in fact we both worked, at different times, in the same highly competitive and prestigious strategy house (though I at a higher level than he ). However, since by joint decision we prefer me to shoulder more responsibility for our family life, I am not available to earn as much money as him. That doesn't make me less valuable and does not make exploiting me justifiable...

and how, pray tell, would he get the kids cared for, the meals cooked and the house cleaned without you?

Find the market rate for the work you do and bill the swine weekly for it. and if he doesn't pay up, you go on strike and don't do anything for him - cooking ironing etc, only for the kids. and no cleaning.

His income is more than yours. What a fecker.

if dh said to me look at my income compared to yours he wouldn't say much else for a long time as he would have a split lip

fgs

x-post with Hecate.

Same here.

And yes I get p*ssed off sometimes that I sacrificed quite a chunk of my income just to do more housework. But, DH simply isn't there to do it. He leaves before 6am and gets back after 6pm. He did almost all bedtime stuff last night while I went for a run and then had a shower and ate me dinner - and he does a lot of similar stuff so I can't really complain. I think it would be a bit petty to leave all the housework till the evenings so that he could do his fair share.

I would be horrified if my dh said that to me as a way of justifying putting his feet up

I am better qualified than DP, but h ehas worked his way up (he has had bloody time while ive been busy being a Mum!)

I work my job because the hours fit in.

He knows what he says is rediculous, im sure.

I'm in a catch 22 atm though as DS goes to nursery 4 afts a week. leaving me 'free' (hahaha)- athough I work my 21 hrs a week at the weekend and on a evening.

I will have a moment of clarity one day im sure!

iv decided to tell my dh im going ft and all chores are to be split.
that will give him a kick up the arse

I work full time but get the old chestnut of 'but you're off during the week, I only get a saturday and sunday off.' The other favourite is 'I've been at work all day, you're off'. Being at work at a desk is obviously tons more strenuous than being at work for 12hrs doing manual labour.

i'm also better qualified than dh, and have far better earning potential than him. however, i have hosen to take a step back, or a career pause if you like, while dd (and her future sibling) are young. dh works days, i work evenings. i do breakfast, lunch and daytime activities. dh does tea time and bedtime. he works 7-3pm, i work 3/5-12am. works wonderfully.

i really don't think your respective incomes should have anything to do with how much housework either of you does. how is that fair?

I work 4 days a week and me and dh split the chores fairly evenly I think
I do a bit more as I tend to do a load or two of washing on a friday and clean the kitchen (not too extensively mind)
me and dh split the childminder run, cooking, washing up, changing the bedlinen, emptying rubbish etc, I hoover and he cleans the bathroom
ok he never dusts and needs reminding to help hang up/put washing away during the week or at the weekend but still...

CatIsSleepy - surely how much each partner earns does have something to do with how much each one does in the way of chores and childcare?

After all, you both have to contribute to your family. If one partner works really hard and long hours, surely, if the other one doesn't, he/she should take on the lion's share of the domestic work?

that's assuming working hard/long hours necessarily equates with high income! it might not, you know...
yes you can base it on hours worked outside the home if you like and if one partner has much less time for housework then that is fair enough, I just don't think it's necessarily tied in with income. Some jobs don't pay that well, doesn't mean you're not working hard.