How soon in a relationship to think about kids (mid to late 30s)

[Strawberriesandpears]

Hello everyone,

May I seek your advice and wisdom regarding the situation I find myself in?

My partner and I have been together since the start of this year. I am 36 and he is the same age. I turn 37 early next year.

I am certain (as I can be) that he is 'the one' and that we will spend the rest of our lives together. We meet a few times a week, spend weekends together and have been on several holidays. We don't yet live together, but have the resources to buy a house (and have discussed doing so next year).

Until this point in my life I'd never really thought about having children. I had quite low self-esteem when I was younger, and never really thought too much about what I wanted from life, and assumed that I would never have a relationship even.

But in the last few months I've increasingly been thinking about how lovely it would be for us to become a family.

Obviously time is not on my side though, and I do appreciate that it may already be too late. When I first met my partner, we did speak about kids, but only in a light-hearted kind of way. At that point he said he was undecided but might change his mind should he settle with someone.

If he did not want kids, I certainly wouldn't be looking to try and find someone else. I wouldn't give up someone who is so perfect for me on the off chance that I might meet someone else who did want kids. But equally, I don't want the opportunity to pass us by if it is something that deep inside we both want.

My question is, do you think now (having been together for most of this year) it would be ok to have the discussion again? I wouldn't be trying to sway him either way, more just to let him know that if it was something he wanted, I'd be happy to give it a go (maybe at the start of next year).

Thank you in advance!

Absolutely have the discussion.

Have the discussion

I concieved fast at 36.5 . Ish
2nd cycle trying
Was then an early miscarriage

But many do have children without too many hurdles at 37 38

I highly recommend hertility health
Used them this summer
And spring of last year
Private hormone & fertility testing
150 gbp a go and money very well spent

Was 35 for first date with my partner

Definitely have the chat. We both wanted kids and about a year in discussed when to start trying at similar ages to you, waited 6 months (for career reasons) then got pregnant first try

Definitely talk to him about it so you know what's what.
I met DH in my 30s, we were married in less than 2 years from first date and I got pregnant on honeymoon.

Gosh that's a tough one, that's still a pretty new relationship. For me I'd want to at least live with someone for a while before deciding to have children together. I understand however that time isn't really on your side. I had my children at 34 and 36 and luckily conceived very easily on first try both times but it's impossible to know how long it will take.

I think it's definitely worth having the conversation anyway and seeing where things stand and how open he is to the idea.

Have the conversation. Establish that he’s actually keen. Then discuss a timeline for moving in together - and then be living together for at least a year before TTC. Many people seem like the perfect partner in the honeymoon period before you share lives and bills and learn they’re a total slob who won’t do their share of the chores, are crap with money management, have a totally different approach to the day to day grind to you etc etc.

If you're looking to buy a house together, then I think kids and marriage (if marriage is also something you both want) should definitely be discussed.

Nothing needs to happen right now but you want to know at the very least that you're both on the same page.

Absolutely I'd be having the discussion now, you need to know where you both stand.

as soon as

my husband was in his early 40s when we started dating - I distinctively remember asking about children as I was pushing 30 myself and I wanted to know what his thoughts were on the matter. To put it bluntly - if we were going to have a family together I knew there was no "dating for 10 years to see how things go"

besides, who has that kind of time to waste?

If you’ve spoken about buying a house together it’s definitely time to get a decision on having children. It’s potentially concerning however that you don’t feel entirely comfortable speaking to him about this – should you be having children with someone you can’t very comfortably discuss this with?

We met at 35, started ttc at 37 and at 41 we are still without a child. If you want it, discuss it and start. You might be lucky or you might need IVF/miscarriage treatment. There’s sadly no way to know until you try. I aced my fertility MOT at 36 but recurrent losses show how inaccurate that was.

Thank you everyone for all the wise advice given.

I definitely do feel comfortable having the discussion. We are both intelligent, sensible adults and we communicate well. I think my reason for asking was just that I wondered if it was too early still and also how the not yet living together should factor in.

Thank you again - anyone else with any thoughts or advice, do please comment!

I'd suggest

Have the conversation
Move in together before you buy together (or TTC)
Do some fertility testing together

@Wednesdaysotherchild I am very sorry to hear that. I wish you well.

I would want to be married in your shoes. So I’d give it to the 12 month mark and if he wasn’t making any noises about marriage, I’d start being very busy. I wouldn’t move in with a man with no view to marriage unless you’re going to lose out financially by being married. I was 32 when I met dh, he asked me to move in and I just said I wasn’t up for being anyone’s common law wife. He proposed a few weeks after. We had dd when I was 36

I wouldn't marry someone I'd never lived with!

I am not actually too bothered about being married (although that would be nice down the line). I would actually lose out by being married (should anything go wrong).

Thanks again everyone. Really keen to hear any more thoughts

Absolutely have a conversation with him asap. I had various conversations with my now DH from the very beginning on children, marriage etc just like any other topics as we were both in our late 30s and I was aware I didn't have time on my side anymore. It meant I didn't have to think/doubt/worry as I knew we were on the same page and we had a goal. Good luck!

I don’t agree with the answers in their entirety, I agree yes you should discuss kids but you’ve not said you’ve even discussed living together or moving past being boyfriend and girlfriend. You’ve just said you have the resources to live together,

personally I’d be discussing if he wished to live together and buy a house together first. Because if he’s not willing to do that there is no point discussing kids, you won’t be a family. If he says yes, he wants to do that, then you ask when and about kids,

but asking someone if he wants kids with you before you even discuss and agree to live together for me is putting the cart before the horse.

Thank you @Olika May I ask, did you end up having children?

@Janieforever Thank you. We have discussed living together. We intend to buy a house next year.

I was 33 when I met DH, we got married 3 years later after we had lived together for 2. Unfortunately we have been trying for a baby for almost 5 years (including 3 rounds of IVF) and although everything looks alright we still haven't succeeded.
I think you should have the conversation and decide whether you should move together sooner and start ttcing.
Good luck!

@Mistymist Thank you and good luck with your journey.

Make sure you have a document written up preferably by a lawyer about the division of ownership of your house. Just in case.
I know it's really unromantic but good to have that security.

I have been with my bf a few months longer and am the same age as you- we have lightly talked about children at various points and we are on the same page about starting to try at some point next year- but I empathise with you as it is a difficult conversation to have in some ways. But much better to get it out in the open, as unfortunately time is not on our side- that doesn't mean you or I should rush in, but it does mean it seems silly to waste time being too shy to have open conversations about what you want to do as a couple: