How soon in a relationship to think about kids (mid to late 30s)

[Strawberriesandpears]

Hello everyone,

May I seek your advice and wisdom regarding the situation I find myself in?

My partner and I have been together since the start of this year. I am 36 and he is the same age. I turn 37 early next year.

I am certain (as I can be) that he is 'the one' and that we will spend the rest of our lives together. We meet a few times a week, spend weekends together and have been on several holidays. We don't yet live together, but have the resources to buy a house (and have discussed doing so next year).

Until this point in my life I'd never really thought about having children. I had quite low self-esteem when I was younger, and never really thought too much about what I wanted from life, and assumed that I would never have a relationship even.

But in the last few months I've increasingly been thinking about how lovely it would be for us to become a family.

Obviously time is not on my side though, and I do appreciate that it may already be too late. When I first met my partner, we did speak about kids, but only in a light-hearted kind of way. At that point he said he was undecided but might change his mind should he settle with someone.

If he did not want kids, I certainly wouldn't be looking to try and find someone else. I wouldn't give up someone who is so perfect for me on the off chance that I might meet someone else who did want kids. But equally, I don't want the opportunity to pass us by if it is something that deep inside we both want.

My question is, do you think now (having been together for most of this year) it would be ok to have the discussion again? I wouldn't be trying to sway him either way, more just to let him know that if it was something he wanted, I'd be happy to give it a go (maybe at the start of next year).

Thank you in advance!

Have the conversation! Nothing to lose and life is short.

Me and DH got together September 2016 (I was 38 and he turned 40 a few weeks later). Bought a house in April 2017, had DS in December 2017, married December 2018, and then had DD in February 2021. We're now 45 and 47 with a 5 and 2yr old, blissfully happy and about to celebrate our 5th Wedding Anniversary.

Wishing you lots of luck x

@Strawberriesandpears I'd been with my now DH for 10 months when I got pregnant and we were married when we'd been together for 1 year and 10 days. I was 36 when I had my DS and I've never been happier. Definitely have the discussion, surely he'd realise that obviously if you do both want to TTC then you've got to start trying as soon as because of your age. Hope it goes well for you 😊

Yes we did, thank you for asking. Also to add when you have any baby related conversations also talk about moving together etc topics. You need to know what he is thinking, what his plans are and with what timeline so that you can then make plans together.

@TheYear2000 Thank you. Good to hear from someone else in this situation. Wishing you all the very best.

@MaryShelley1818 @Devilsmommy @Olika Thank you for sharing your inspiring stories!

Have the chat, then try once you've moved in together if he's OK with it.

Another one seconding Hertility for hormone health and fertility testing, it will at least yet you know where you are at. I would have the conversation asap about it and your timelines. I’m 31 and my partner is 35, we have been dating about a year and had the conversation about children in early dating.

Thank you for the further advice.

Would really appreciate any other thoughts /stories anyone may have! Thank you.

If you do hope to get married then don't cohabit beforehand because people who do that divorce more frequently. https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/meet-catch-and-keep/202101/are-couples-that-live-together-before-marriage-more-likely-to

Definitely have the discussion .

I met my now husband at 32yo. I was clear I was dating for marriage and kids (in that order) from date 1.

He says he's glad I did because he dated me with that front of mind - if he couldn't see me in both roles he would have ended it (I felt the same of him).

We were engaged after 2 years, married in 3, had a 3month old on our first wedding anniversary. Now pregnant with our second. It's been a busy 5 years.

Ultimately in your 30s when you know you know. Don't waste your time or allow your time be wasted.

Good luck OP

Hi

Straight away. My partner and I started TTC after about 10 months

I was same age as you

We struggled and needed fertility treatment so it took about 2 years to get pregnant .

Good luck

Are you actively house-hunting? If not you should start now because it takes ages for a house purchase to go through.

Do you own or rent atm? Can you have a trial period of living together (one moves in with the other) before buying together?

FWIW I think you should live together for at least 6 months before TTC.

If you're worrying about fertility, you could get a "fertility MOT" now to see what your chances are likely to be.

We met when I was 34 and DH was 38, we early on had 'discussions' about whether we wanted kids, both being open to the idea but no immediate rush

We dated prob a couple of years and moved in together during covid when we were effectively forced to make a decision during lockdown about whether we wanted to live in one place or not 😂

We got engaged at 36/40 and then married the next year, we started trying for family 6 months after the wedding when we were 37/41 and now we are due in Jan and we'll be 38/42 (and turning a year older both a few months after DS is here)

We conceived on the first month of trying which sadly ended in a MC, a risk I was aware of due to our age! Current pregnancy took 2 cycles to conceive after MC, I'm aware it could have and does usually take a lot longer but it is still possible!

We weren't in a 'rush' so to speak but wanted to be in a secure and happy place before trying, with the idea that if it didn't happen then it just didn't happen... (and we'd always have our cats 😂)

But totally get the feeling of running out of time, most mums that I speak to are in their late 30s and early 40s these days so it's definitely not weird to be an older mum and no one has once mentioned my age!

Totally agree though if you know you know and it would be wise to at least start considering it soon if you want a chance to have kids

I also caution against testing your hormones etc too much, as I def got stressed about whether we could/could not and all the issues around risks and age etc and it just adds extra stress, TTC is already a fairly stressful process and when you do get pregnant you just stress about more things 😂

I'm now in the position if we want another kid after this one that I can't leave it much longer! But planning to see how it goes for a bit with the first one before we decide!