My daughter’s not speaking to me and I don’t blame her

[Poochiepooh]

I wouldn’t speak to me either. I (76f) haven’t been able to get to see her (56f) for some time as I my car is off the road. I borrowed one for a couple of hours and took my granddaughters card and present over. The only person around was my dd’s other half. He was a bit inhospitable and told me my dd was at the hospital having her dressings changed. He wouldn’t elaborate and told me to talk to dd.

I rang her. It turns out she’s being treated for breast cancer but refused to talk to me as she said we’d already had that discussion. This is where I feel like the worst mother in the world. I don’t remember the conversation!

4 years ago I went through the same thing. Dd supported me all the way. I haven’t been there for her and I should have been. I know I get lapses of memory. I’ve always had the sort of memory that remembers things I’ve seen better than those I’ve heard. I tend to write important things I’ve heard down. This isn’t recent, I’ve always been like this. But, forgetting something this important is unforgivable. I’ve spent the last few days with this horrible sick feeling. Anything I say is going to feel like an excuse, and this is inexcusable. Don’t really want advice, I just needed to vent as I don’t want to admit to family and friends what a carp mother I am.

I think you should see your GP before you self-flagellate. If you are having memory issues you need that investigating.

Go and see your GP.

I know you said you didn't want advice but honest communication solves so much.

Just tell her what you told us.

Does your daughter know you are having problems with your memory? She's going through a traumatic time with her breast cancer treatment and if she's not aware you didn't know this, she will think you are steering clear of her for some reason. Write her an old fashioned letter, explaining the memory problems you are having and ask your GP to refer you to a Memory Clinic.

So you’re saying you forgot that your daughter told you she has cancer, @Poochiepooh ? Or that you knew she had cancer but forgot about the treatment?

I’ve already made an appointment. It’s some way away though.

I forgot she told me she had cancer.

Do you drink a fair bit @Poochiepooh ? Could the conversation have happened after you’d had a few?

Or do you take any other drugs/ meds that affect your memory?

If not, then I think you need to get straight to your GP, as this isn’t a minor memory lapse, it’s forgetting something very major that presumably would have caused a big emotional response in you when she told you - therefore it’s very unusual to forget something so significant.

I like a nightcap, and I’m known to have a few a Christmas etc. but looking at the day and time of the calls on my phone, it’s more likely I was having a cup of tea.

Now you've been reminded do you remember anything about the conversation when she told you?
I have a bad memory too l, but that is a big thing to forget completely. I would definitely be getting it checked. Hope you can mend things with your dd.

How much of a nightcap?

That sounds really distressing, @Poochiepooh, and unlikely to be a simple memory lapse (because of the emotional impact her words would have had on you). Try not to be too hard on yourself.

I agree with the others that writing her a letter explaining everything you’ve said here is a good idea, telling her how very sorry you are. I’d also tell her that you’re going to to your GP to get assessment for your memory issues, and that it would be really helpful if she felt able to give you any details of the conversation in which she told you - when it was, what she said and how you responded, whether there was anything unusual about the exchange or your reactions at the time.

Wishing you all the best @Poochiepooh - this must be devastating.

Just a note on the alcohol thing, though - it doesn’t necessarily take much to reach the point where memories aren’t laid down, particularly when you’re older. The term ‘blackout’ sounds like you’re steaming drunk, but I can be moderately drunk (ie walking and talking coherently) and still not remember things that were said or happened. That’s definitely increased as I’ve aged.

If you’re suffering memory issues then living alcohol free will help with that and slow the deterioration. It might also show your daughter how seriously you’re taking this situation.

You wouldn’t forget that your own daughter has breast cancer.

Definitely see the GP asap and tell them about this.

Unfortunately, you’ve probably had memory problems for quite a while but it was only small things so you wouldn’t see it as a big problem.

I would text your daughter and apologise and ask if there’s anything she needs.
Tell her you are seeking help for your memory issues and that you’d never purposefully forget such a massive thing.

OP, what health conditions (if any) have you got? Also, have a look at ‘transient global amnesia.’ One of the causes is bad news.

Just tell her what’s happened. I know this is nightmarish, I feel so sorry for you both, but it’s not your fault and it can surely be fixed.

I hope you get medical assistance and you and your daughter sort this out and she recovers. X

Hope it all worked out op?

Update: I wrote her a letter apologising profusely. It turns out I also forgot to turn up at a dinner party. I haven't told her I'm having memory tests as I don't want to make this about me. She has been given the all clear. I'm not invited for Christmas but I wouldn't go again if invited as I can't stand her OH. But we have hugged and made up.

That's lovely but you didn't answer how much of a nightcap you've been having. It may be relevant here.

How is your hearing? I ask that as my mum is hard of hearing and sometimes just nods when she can’t hear something rather than ask me to repeat it

You’re poor daughter. There’s no nice way of asking this so I’m just going to come out of it. Are you incredibly self centred, and DD has had enough? Being forgetful is one thing but forgetting your DD has cancer is something entirely different.

I'm glad you've made up.

I do think you need to tell her about your memory loss - maybe not right now, but in the new year.

Im glad you and your daughter have made things up OP. Hopefully your appointment isn’t too far away and you can get some answers.

Ive been through this with my dad and it’s really upsetting. He completely forgets total conversations he’s had, he’s lost stuff he’s put away and has no memory of ever owning, he looks me in the face and can’t remember what I told him 10 minutes earlier.

You need to tell your daughter. My dad tried to hide it from us for years even though we knew something wasn’t right. Be open with her now. You are there to support each other

Sending love to you both

Cancer treatment is time consuming. Where did you think she was? How often do you see/talk to her?

@Poochiepooh if she does not know about your memory issues, then she might think you did not consider her cancer important, and she might feel unloved.

You said you worry that telling her would “make it about you”, but telling her might be kinder than not telling her, depending how you do it.

Hmm, one minute she is having dressings changed at hospital, the next she's got the 'all clear"? All clear to my mind would be after you've had chemo and radio and surgery and there is no sign of it on scans - takes over a year generally. If the dressings were purely for reconstruction after being clear, then we are talking over a year of you forgetting. In which case push your GP gor a sooner appointment as that is a long and large hole in your knowledge.
I think you should tell your DD, it's not making it about you it's explaining why you've not been there for her.