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Original poster

My daughter’s not speaking to me and I don’t blame her

29 replies

Poochiepooh · 09/11/2023 12:11

I wouldn’t speak to me either. I (76f) haven’t been able to get to see her (56f) for some time as I my car is off the road. I borrowed one for a couple of hours and took my granddaughters card and present over. The only person around was my dd’s other half. He was a bit inhospitable and told me my dd was at the hospital having her dressings changed. He wouldn’t elaborate and told me to talk to dd.

I rang her. It turns out she’s being treated for breast cancer but refused to talk to me as she said we’d already had that discussion. This is where I feel like the worst mother in the world. I don’t remember the conversation!

4 years ago I went through the same thing. Dd supported me all the way. I haven’t been there for her and I should have been. I know I get lapses of memory. I’ve always had the sort of memory that remembers things I’ve seen better than those I’ve heard. I tend to write important things I’ve heard down. This isn’t recent, I’ve always been like this. But, forgetting something this important is unforgivable. I’ve spent the last few days with this horrible sick feeling. Anything I say is going to feel like an excuse, and this is inexcusable. Don’t really want advice, I just needed to vent as I don’t want to admit to family and friends what a carp mother I am.

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 24/12/2023 23:00

You really need to look after yourself, because if she is with someone who isn't very nice, she may really depend on you one day.

carerneedshelp · 24/12/2023 23:17

Opentooffers · 24/12/2023 22:37

Hmm, one minute she is having dressings changed at hospital, the next she's got the 'all clear"? All clear to my mind would be after you've had chemo and radio and surgery and there is no sign of it on scans - takes over a year generally. If the dressings were purely for reconstruction after being clear, then we are talking over a year of you forgetting. In which case push your GP gor a sooner appointment as that is a long and large hole in your knowledge.
I think you should tell your DD, it's not making it about you it's explaining why you've not been there for her.

Not necessarily. Depending on the type and stage of the cancer she may have not needed any further treatment beyond a lumpectomy. Or she's had a suspicious lump removed and it turned out not to be malignant

ThreeTreeHill · 24/12/2023 23:17

MaryHinges · 24/12/2023 21:42

That's lovely but you didn't answer how much of a nightcap you've been having. It may be relevant here.

Op doesn't have to tell you anything. She says she having memory tests so presumably a Dr is involved and I'm sure they will investigate all options

exexpat · 24/12/2023 23:30

Opentooffers · 24/12/2023 22:37

Hmm, one minute she is having dressings changed at hospital, the next she's got the 'all clear"? All clear to my mind would be after you've had chemo and radio and surgery and there is no sign of it on scans - takes over a year generally. If the dressings were purely for reconstruction after being clear, then we are talking over a year of you forgetting. In which case push your GP gor a sooner appointment as that is a long and large hole in your knowledge.
I think you should tell your DD, it's not making it about you it's explaining why you've not been there for her.

It's not really the point of this thread, but if she had early stage breast cancer, and analysis of tissue removed during surgery found no cancer cells in the lymph nodes or the margin round the tumour itself, then that is effectively getting the 'all clear' - the cancer has been removed, and there is no sign of it starting to spread. That could happen in as little as two months from recall after mammogram.

She might still be offered a short course of radiotherapy 'just in case', but many women with early stage breast cancer do not need chemotherapy.

I went through all this earlier this year, and the active treament phase lasted less than three months (surgery, healing, radiotherapy); from diagnosis to 'all clear' after surgery was just over two months. Diagnosis to end of radiotherapy was less than five months, and could have been even faster if I had accepted a surgery date at a less convenient hospital. After that it is back to annual mammograms.

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