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Original poster

Is this normal? Husband working long hours

41 replies

Fashion83 · 08/11/2023 21:31

Married for 10 years. Together 20. Adore my husband and very little agro in our relationship, if any, since we met. Genuinely happy. 3 kids - ages 8, 7 and almost 3.

He runs a family business. Works 6am - 7pm Mon to Fri and 6am - 3pm Saturday. However recently he’s been later home - like tonight, 930pm and still not home. Catching up on pricing, fixing machinery etc… small local business. He’s trying to expand which I FULLY appreciate is a lot of work. However….

I also have to work for financial reasons. I work 3 days a week around school hours but contracted more so I literally CRAM it in and work like a horse in those hours. My job has seen the biggest system change I’ve seen and will see in my career which has been monumental to be honest. I do drop off, pick up, every single activity. I cook, I tidy (we have a cleaner). I do bedtime, I buy the gifts, I control the finances. He does outside jobs and to be fair he’s amazing and tidying the kitchen when he gets home. I just feel like I do ALOT. Perhaps this is just the norm! What’s getting to me is on a Saturday I get a babysitter at 8am so I can do some exercise as I struggle any other time. Home by 930am, take the kids to football/rugby/swim class And arrive home around 330pm. Husband is usually in bed and gets frustrated when we wake him as he’s only been home for a short time.

am I being u reasonable to want a little more help? Perhaps I am and I need to stop this rant. I feel stressed, my hair is falling out and my chest is permanently tight!

Thanks for letting me vent!

OP posts:
category12 · 08/11/2023 21:39

Maybe drop some of the activities and just keep one the child likes most?

I would ask him to reduce his hours. But I would also look at your family's lifestyle as a whole and consider whether it's genuinely adding to everyone's happiness or whether chilling out more and doing less might be better for you all.

FunnysInLaJardin · 08/11/2023 21:44

I agree with @category12 kids only need one activity a week tops and nothing at the weekend.

It really can finish a family off of a DC has too many activities.

For example DS2 who is 13 currently has football 4 times a week and it is killing us. We have agreed that we need to halve it to keep our sanity.

Plus don't forget 3 primary school age DC and under is a massive deal. My DC are 13 and 17 and even that is enough with work and everything else

Summerhillsquare · 08/11/2023 21:46

Soooo many of these queries lately. They always make me wonder whether the men actually like their children, or whether they have such low self esteem that they think the kids won't benefit from their involvement? Must be a reason they spend so little time with their families.

Meanwhile we all chew over women's behaviour.

KindaDefinitelyMaybe · 08/11/2023 21:50

Christ that is a completely unfair balance. Does he spend time with his kids on a Sunday? Would he even be open to reducing his hours? You must be absolutely exhausted.

Original poster
Fashion83 · 08/11/2023 21:57

Thank you all so much. I’m aware it’s a lot of activities. I maybe need to think about reducing that so thank you.

he is with us all day Sunday and to be fair doesn’t ever go out with the boys and rarely has a night out. I did forget to add he gets off early 2 nights a week to play football which has stopped me getting out running! Very frustrating but if it’s keeping him fit I’m happy. I just hate not getting to exercise and feel sad that I’m missing my friends as I’m part of a local gym group.

he can’t reduce his hours but I think that’s due to him being a workaholic!

OP posts:
KindaDefinitelyMaybe · 08/11/2023 22:04

Right. So he can reduce his hours but chooses not to. He can finish early when it suits him, but not you. He is happy being out of the home and leaving you to deal with everything. He's also happy to curtail you, your life, your enjoyment, your health, your social relationships, because it benefits him.

mynameiscalypso · 08/11/2023 22:10

The thjng that jumps out to me is that he's working a lot of hours (over 70 per week) but it's not being rewarded financially. That's a big problem. If the family business isn't able to support you and reward him for the hours, he should probably start thinking about his exit plan. My DH also works a lot of hours (he's worked 9am - 2am for about the last 10 days straight including weekends) but it's manageable because his salary means we can afford a cleaner, after school nanny etc and I can afford to take a lower paid but flexible job.

MrsFawkes · 08/11/2023 22:26

It’s a family business. Who are the family?

Do they know he’s putting in all these hours and avoiding family life with you and your DC? Can you share your concerns with the business family and hopefully get him a bit of extra help or some protected time off to be with you?

I hope the business will benefit long term and those benefits will cascade down the pipe. If not you're wasting an awful lot of life hanging around waiting for him to appreciate the toll it’s taking.

doitwithlove · 09/11/2023 07:00

@Fashion83 Are you able to exercise/run on the two days you do not work?

LizHoney · 09/11/2023 07:02

There must be paperwork he can do from home so you can get out to exercise at least one evening. But also he has Saturday lie in, if you have Sunday you could choose to lie in or you could gym meaning two exercise slots per week and a big boost to your mental health I bet.

Whataretheodds · 09/11/2023 07:08

Surely some of the work can be done from home while he keeps an eye on the kids so you can have equivalent time to yourself - 2 nights a week?

Original poster
Fashion83 · 09/11/2023 07:10

Thanks for your replies. I’ve said I would like to run on Sundays which I’m looking forward to! I do find though by Sunday I’m exhausted! I can’t do much on the days I don’t work as I have the youngest with me but she will be upping nursery days come next spring.

He does on accession take paperwork home and maybe something he needs to do more.

Absolutely agree re the financial side. The business is 50% his and will default to 100% when his Uncle is no longer here. It doesn’t pay outrageously well but we are more than comfortable with my wage also however there is a property side which falls to him on his retirement - essentially a pension hence why I’ve always gone along with him working so much knowing we should have a comfortable retirement.

OP posts:
Bimblesalong · 09/11/2023 10:55

You sound stressed but also please get bloods done. Tight chest and hair falling out can be signs of b12 deficiency, also iron or thyroid issues.

TheLurpackYears · 09/11/2023 20:23

As above, your symtoms bought me here. Request blood tests from you GP (and don't be fobbed off with b12 tablets if your is low and you aren't vege or vegan).

MrsRonaldWeasley · 09/11/2023 20:28

Why is your husband in bed at 3.30pm on a Saturday afternoon? 🤔 Or have I completely misunderstood?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 09/11/2023 20:45

MrsRonaldWeasley · 09/11/2023 20:28

Why is your husband in bed at 3.30pm on a Saturday afternoon? 🤔 Or have I completely misunderstood?

Have you missed the amount of working hours he's doing 6 days per week?

bonzaitree · 09/11/2023 20:47

If he’s working that many hours can’t he support you so you can give up work or reduce hours?

category12 · 09/11/2023 20:55

bonzaitree · 09/11/2023 20:47

If he’s working that many hours can’t he support you so you can give up work or reduce hours?

I don't think it's a good answer for OP to give up her career and independence.

He needs to be working smarter and engaging more with family life.

I’ve always gone along with him working so much knowing we should have a comfortable retirement.
OP, I'm not sure about this reasoning - we're not promised tomorrow. While planning for retirement is important, I also think it's important to pay attention to the now - the kids won't always be small, you may not always be fit & healthy as a couple, who knows what may happen.

Lavender14 · 09/11/2023 20:56

Why can't he do football one night a week and be home the other to let you go for a run so you each have one night with a bit of down time?

Being essentially self employed is really stressful but I think the amount he's doing warrants a conversation about earning vs life enjoyment balance and wondering can he take on an apprentice or similar to take on some of the workload or is it a matter of just stepping back slightly.

I agree you need to go to the gp and get a health check done but if this is impacting on you to the point that your hair is coming out with stress then something needs to give before you do. If he wants to work more then maybe he needs to be hiring a cleaner or you drop a day or something.

Original poster
Fashion83 · 09/11/2023 20:57

He’s just exhausted hence trying to catch an hour or so to sleep but I also am exhausted!

Thank you so much for recommending bloods. I’ve had various tests over the past 13 months on my gut as my indigestion is horrendous but I’ll check out B12 levels. Thank you, that means a lot.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 09/11/2023 20:58

Why is he in bed on a Saturday afternoon ?

MrsRonaldWeasley · 09/11/2023 21:02

@ReadingSoManyThreads No I didn’t miss that nor did I miss the amount of hours that @Fashion83 is doing 7 days a week but I doubt that she goes to bed in the middle of the day!

KombuchaKalling · 09/11/2023 21:09

Lavender14 · 09/11/2023 20:56

Why can't he do football one night a week and be home the other to let you go for a run so you each have one night with a bit of down time?

Being essentially self employed is really stressful but I think the amount he's doing warrants a conversation about earning vs life enjoyment balance and wondering can he take on an apprentice or similar to take on some of the workload or is it a matter of just stepping back slightly.

I agree you need to go to the gp and get a health check done but if this is impacting on you to the point that your hair is coming out with stress then something needs to give before you do. If he wants to work more then maybe he needs to be hiring a cleaner or you drop a day or something.

This. He needs to compromise more and tag team with the children

Another vote for you to not cut your hours. It already sounds like pretty much everything revolves around his job which isn’t healthy or helpful l don’t think

bonzaitree · 09/11/2023 21:25

category12 · 09/11/2023 20:55

I don't think it's a good answer for OP to give up her career and independence.

He needs to be working smarter and engaging more with family life.

I’ve always gone along with him working so much knowing we should have a comfortable retirement.
OP, I'm not sure about this reasoning - we're not promised tomorrow. While planning for retirement is important, I also think it's important to pay attention to the now - the kids won't always be small, you may not always be fit & healthy as a couple, who knows what may happen.

Show quote history

I get what you’re saying I was just curious because usually the deal is if someone works 24/7 the pay off is big bucks. Not the case here!

Emeal123 · 09/11/2023 21:43

YANBU!! I am experiencing similar and my brain is constantly fried! You’re doing amazing and deserve more appreciation and support. Very hard to find the balance but your OH has a responsibility to share the care of the children and household tasks and should ideally rethink his working hours to support you whilst the children are so young. Maybe he shouldn’t be going to bed at 3pm on a Saturday afternoon and could use that time to take over the care of the children whilst you have some down time, he can sleep when the kids are all in bed like you have to… Hugs xx