Is this normal? Husband working long hours

[Fashion83]

Married for 10 years. Together 20. Adore my husband and very little agro in our relationship, if any, since we met. Genuinely happy. 3 kids - ages 8, 7 and almost 3.

He runs a family business. Works 6am - 7pm Mon to Fri and 6am - 3pm Saturday. However recently he’s been later home - like tonight, 930pm and still not home. Catching up on pricing, fixing machinery etc… small local business. He’s trying to expand which I FULLY appreciate is a lot of work. However….

I also have to work for financial reasons. I work 3 days a week around school hours but contracted more so I literally CRAM it in and work like a horse in those hours. My job has seen the biggest system change I’ve seen and will see in my career which has been monumental to be honest. I do drop off, pick up, every single activity. I cook, I tidy (we have a cleaner). I do bedtime, I buy the gifts, I control the finances. He does outside jobs and to be fair he’s amazing and tidying the kitchen when he gets home. I just feel like I do ALOT. Perhaps this is just the norm! What’s getting to me is on a Saturday I get a babysitter at 8am so I can do some exercise as I struggle any other time. Home by 930am, take the kids to football/rugby/swim class And arrive home around 330pm. Husband is usually in bed and gets frustrated when we wake him as he’s only been home for a short time.

am I being u reasonable to want a little more help? Perhaps I am and I need to stop this rant. I feel stressed, my hair is falling out and my chest is permanently tight!

Thanks for letting me vent!

Who made you the nap police @MrsRonaldWeasley ?

🤣🤣🤣 have you had a bad day @ReadingSoManyThreads?

Not at all, just think you're ridiculous for judging tired people for taking a nap. Do you have an issue with those in hot countries taking siestas?

@ReadingSoManyThreads that would depend entirely on whether the man taking a siesta is doing so while his wife - who is so exhausted and stressed that her hair is falling out - was running around after the children while he is napping!

I don't understand why people say that you should drop the kids activities. It's a reasonable ask to ask the father of your children to be involved in their lives and the family life.

Can you stop working and “survive” on his salary? Does he bring in the majority of the money? Can you get additional childcare? The fact that you can fit in exercise every week whilst working and having kids is great. I work full time, 2 young kids, do most of the household planning and rarely have the time or energy to exercise. To be fair I never make it a priority as I’m always knackered.

Clearly, this is affecting you - it's not unreasonable to rant! It is, however, a warning sign that you need to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I would talk to your spouse, you do need some time with him, (your children likely need time with him too), it is starting to get to you and although you are grateful for his work and proud of his efforts, the lifestyle you're living right now is getting a bit much.

You're absolutely not being unreasonable.
You both work too much, this is obvious.
Now what?
Have a chat about working hours? his and yours INCLUDING DOMESTIC LABOUR. short term or long term, actually, maybe if hb expands he plans to hire people.
Pay for help? with cleaning, laundry or any time consuming thing that you hate.?
Find neighbours happy to alternate school drops (believe me, there are).
And go back to gym! Whatever it costs to your husband! And yes he WILL bear the cost because he saves a lot of nanny wages thanks to you.
Good luck OP

Totally agree with you. I bet OP is still up and either working or dealing with the kids for just as many hours, if not more and not taking a bloody nap on a Saturday. It's not like his nap is giving him the energy to help with the kids so that definitely needs to stop. He can skip the nap, be involved when you bring the kids back then help get everyone to bed at a reasonable time so you can all get an early night and catch up on the sleep that way.

What helped in a similar situation with me and my husband was that we ended up breaking down how many hours he was working per week and how much money was coming in.
He had stopped contributing to the household because he was always working, but when we calculated what his actual hourly rate was, he was astonished and also embarrassed. He was working for less money than I would need to get a maid or help around the house, meaning that we were actually losing money with his extra work. This made my husband understand that he needed to either:

• Up his hourly income to make sure that I could pay for professional help around the house to cover the things he didn't do
• Or reduce his workload so he could be home more and help out

It's all about communication. If your husband is working this hard, but you still need to work for financial reasons, then he's not managing to bring in enough money compared to the work he's doing. Whatever his business is, it's not viable and he needs to be made aware that that's unfair to you.

Is he working hard productively? Truly?

I only ask because in my 30+ years of driving (mostly) men that work on roads who likely come home and say they've worked a hard manual job all day, I have never, ever seen any work being done. Ever. I see reading newspapers, scrolling on phones, eating, walking to get something to eat, standing and pointing but I have never seen any actual work.

Is he "working" because he is attending but not actually working smart? The amount of hours should surely mean money coming in. I suspect much time is spent not actually working but convincing you to dogs body life.

What would happen if he was genuinely ill? Would it collapse?

I think choices that benefit him are being made.

There's no way I would be tolerating that. DH helps me loads and even then it is tough some days especially with additional needs DC. I have health issues and need loads of support.

You need to set an ultimatum and no need for the DC to be doing that amount of activities each week.

He's exhausted because he chooses to be exhausted. I fully get it, he feels he must work that hard. But given you're already financially comfortable, he doesn't need to -- it's in his head.

You need a sincere discussion on how ALTHOUGH he feels he's doing his best to contribute to the family, not all contribution is monetary; or laying foundations for some distant future/retirement. He needs to be there for the kids and you, here and now. He might be one of those people who think if he hustles hard now, he can relax in a few years/decades/when he retires. But he's already burning out so he might not get a retirement.

He must prioritise his health, energy levels and your family as a whole. It's a tough discussion and he won't change immediately. He might even blame you for nagging and ungratefulness. But it's a talk you just need to have, repeatedly.

None of that sounds reasonable or sustainable, for you or for him.

I don’t understand why kids have to have so many activities.

This balance is skewed. See how you say you’re happy he’s staying fit so don’t mind parenting solo twice a week while he exercises? Where does he say that for you? Never. You need a babysitter to do any exercise, and he never comes home early for you. I’d talk to him and explain this balance needs to shift. For now, he should take one of those early nights, come home and stay home so you can exercise. Then he can fit a second session in Sunday. And if he’s too tired so have you been too tired with zero option of extra time to work or doing less of the home load. Let him deal with making time Sunday for a month or two, you’ve had to deal with not being able to manage it Sunday for longer than that, and you deserve a husband to prioritise your activities one night a week.