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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Estranged husband disappeared 4 weeks.

36 replies

Lorelaigilmore88 · 08/11/2023 11:46

I don't think anyone can advise me here but I just need somewhere to speak.

I married an idiot in 2013. It became apparent gradually that he was an unreliable, thoroughly useless, selfish moron.
We separated 2 years ago when I eventually decided enough was enough but we kept civil as we have 2DC. He is useless and I knew that, but kept it friendly for DC - he's a 'fun dad' and particularly adored by DD7.
He was always extremely unreliable about seeing the kids. Frequently letting them down and i would always cover for him, i.e. make excuses about him needing to work (!) and distracting them with other stuff.

Anyway he has not been in touch for 4 weeks. Phone disconnected, no way to contact him via what's app or messenger. His family live abroad so they don't know where he is. I don't know how to reach him through his friends or where is living as he moved in July. Its like he dropped off the face off the earth. I've even transferred him £1 and put 'call me' on the reference.
Frankly I wouldn't care if i never saw him again but both DC are upset and DD 7 is devastated. They know he can't be working all of this time. The cruelty is unbelievable. He's fallen out of love with me thats fine, we'd split up, but this cruelty and emotional abuse of his children I cannot understand.
I don't know what to tell them? Honestly if he was dead it might be easier to go through that process rather than just sheer abandoment with no explanation. But this is dragging out and DD is in a constant state of expectating him.
The first weekend he didn't show he had made a promise to DD to take them out and she didn't want to make plans to see her friends as Daddy was due to come.

I am furious he is doing this to them. And I'm furious with myself for choosing them such a terrible father. I am keeping cool around the kids, they are getting lots of love. But inside I'm seething with this rage I can't cope with it.

OP posts:
TokyoSushi · 08/11/2023 11:50

Oh OP, what a nightmare. What do you think has happened? Would he have form for just going off and disappearing, or do you think he's come to harm?

Could you report him as missing?

sodabreadjam · 08/11/2023 11:52

Do you know where he works? Could you try to contact him through his colleagues or employers?

EineReiseDurchDieZeit · 08/11/2023 11:52

Maybe something bad has happened to him? Explain to the police maybe?

Rania78 · 08/11/2023 11:54

Hmmm, I would contact the police. Maybe sth bad has happened?

Original poster
Lorelaigilmore88 · 08/11/2023 12:02

Unfortunately I don't know where he works anymore. Since we separated he has been incredibly cagey about what he's doing for money and when I asked him I got vague answers about managing a restaurant. I am sure its cash in hand work, his lack of responsibility and inability to get a proper, legal, regular job were one of the reasons I'd had enough 2 years ago. He is an immigrant and working within his community network.

He has disappeared and been uncontactable before but only for a few days, never this long. I don't believe anything bad has happened to him but i will report him as missing in a few days. What to say though? I don't know his address or place of work. When I write it down I know it sounds ridiculous. He always had several phones, which when I questioned why, was told 'oh its a work phone' 'this one's for calling home'. Rubbish.

OP posts:
sodabreadjam · 08/11/2023 12:09

Sounds like he might have moved to another town or gone back to his home country. Such a shame for your DCs.

AFieldGuideToTrees · 08/11/2023 12:15

I think you need to be more truthful with your children. And if he does resurface don't cover for him again.

If he has loads of phones, I'd imagine he was involved in something very dodgy.

He may have left the country, or something may have happened to him, or both. I'd be inclined to get the police involved sooner rather than later.

clarebear111 · 08/11/2023 12:17

Please don't beat yourself up for 'choosing a terrible father' for your DCs, OP (coming from someone who has a terrible father herself). The onus is on him to be a good father, not on you to try to make him something he isn't. You sound like a wonderful mother and your DCs will see the situation for what it is when they grow up.

TokyoSushi · 08/11/2023 12:22

It sounds a bit more like he might be the sort to 'go missing' by choice then maybe. If he's not turned up by the end of the week then it might still be worth a report.

It might be time to also stop covering for him with the DC quite so much, although I can absolutely understand why you have. They're very lucky to have you.

enjoyingscience · 08/11/2023 12:23

Sadly I agree it sounds like he has gone to ground. He might be out of the country, in jail, or on his way to either.

He equally might well try and pop up like nothing ever happened.

All you can do is build the DC’s resilience. Can you afford therapy for them? Is the school aware?

IdealisticCynic · 08/11/2023 12:35

You have to take your emotions towards him out of the equation when dealing with this.

Just because he has been useless and fallen out of contact for a few days in the past, you can’t rule out that something bad has happened to him. You owe it to your DC, not him, to report him as missing, just in case. They won’t forgive you if they later find out that you didn’t even try. And it’s been a month so you need to do this now - not in a few more days.

And I say all that knowing someone whose dad deliberately disappeared. He was found but told the police/missing persons that he “didn’t want to be found.” It was devastating, but would have been much worse if no attempts had been made by their mum because that relationship would have been damaged too.

NotLactoseFree · 08/11/2023 12:44

OP, unfortunately, covering for him over the last few years was a mistake. I see it a lot - but there's a big difference between slagging off your children's father and being honest with them about his limitations.

That ship has sailed, but now you need to step up and start being more honest. How you do that, might need to be adapted but I'd be inclined to come clean with them,
"I know this is very upsetting. Daddy has disappeared before and I'm sorry, but I lied because I didn't want you to be upset. He does this sometimes. I'm not sure why but I think he sometimes finds normal life a bit difficult and he doesn't have regular jobs like me and other people do so sometimes he just goes away for a bit. I really really hope he'll be back soon but I just don't know when he will be."

Then distract or offer some kind of consolation, reassurance you're always there for them etc.

TheMixedGirl · 08/11/2023 12:49

I wonder if he is in prison and doesn't want to say.

mindutopia · 08/11/2023 12:52

What is his immigration situation? Could he be in immigration detention? Does he have permission to work/live in the UK?

I think the fact that his family do not know where he is means this could be more than simply shirking his responsibilities as a father. Unless they are covering for him?

Could you reach out to family again and say that you plan to report him as missing and see if anything comes of it? It could be that a message is passed to you that he is alive and well. Even if no wish to contact you. What about friends? If you were married, yo must know of some of his friends who might have an idea of how to reach him, where he is living, for a welfare check.

Velvian · 08/11/2023 12:53

@NotLactoseFree , I think it is a bad idea to say 'I lied' the poor DC need 1 parent they can trust, that could be really unsettling for them.

I would answer honestly @Lorelaigilmore88 that you don't know where he is and you have been trying to contact him. Reassure them that you are not worried about him and you will let them know as soon as you know anything.

AgentJohnson · 08/11/2023 12:55

Be honest in an age appropriate way. We do kids no favours when we cover for feckless dads. Remind them that his behaviour is entirely separate from them. I explained to DD that parenting is a endeavour which demands a particular skill set and unfortunately her father didn’t have the important skills. I told her that he loved her but had a very bad way of showing it. It helped to lower her expectations and accept that she wasn’t responsible for his behaviour or could change it.

Popperzip · 08/11/2023 12:56

Tell your children you don’t know where he is which is the truth, explain you’ve tried looking for him in an age appropriate way and haven’t been able to find him.
He’s done a runner he has because to me it sounded like he doesn’t like married life or a settled one with children.
I would try and move on now, because it’s been a little while with no contact and I don’t think he’s gonna be in contact again with you unfortunately. So sorry to your children dealing with this it’s an absolute awful thing to do to a child but you can’t control their dad or his actions. Wishing you the best of luck with everything x

Codlingmoths · 08/11/2023 12:57

I wish for your sake you could just up and move house tomorrow so you can get you and your Dc some certainty that he won’t just appear and throw their lives out again.

rockingbird · 08/11/2023 13:02

Sounds like he's been put in prison 😬 could that be a possibility given his shady behaviour in the past? Time to be honest with your children and soften the blow .. don't sugar coat it, be honest and calmly tell them his gone off the radar and you have no idea how to contact him. I'm sorry, this is an awful situation for you and your children!

trevthecat · 08/11/2023 13:06

Be honest with the kids. It will help you all. Speak to school for support for them too and be kind to yourself. My ex did this. It's been 10 years since any contact but I know where he is now. The first few months were torture for us all with the not knowing if he would turn up. It gets easier.

TenderDandelions · 08/11/2023 13:19

I will caveat this with saying I don't know if this is a "thing" really, but I would call 101 (you might be in for a long wait) then tell them exactly what's happened.

Your children's father has a habit of being a bit flakey but the fact that he's been totally out of contact for 4 weeks is out of character. That his own family (abroad) don't know where he is and that you are concerned. Request a welfare check on him, providing as much information as you know. You say he's your "estranged" husband. If you're still legally married then it's likely that you're officially Next of Kin, which would probably help.

They may be able to check in with him, and if he then says he doesn't want to contact you, at least you'll know. Or if they can't do anything, or can't find him either, then at least you'll know you tried your best.

As a PP so eloquently puts it - it's down to him to be a good dad, not you.

I would be honest with the children, but in a way that will upset them the least.

"I'm sorry DD. I've tried to get in touch with Daddy but neither me or the police know where he is. I don't know why he wouldn't call you and I'm sorry that it's really rubbish. He knows you love him very much." then lots of cuddles.

I know a few people whose father did a similar disappearing act (including one Dad who got up as normal, "went to work" then was never seen again - turns out he'd got another woman elsewhere and decided that day he was going to move in with her, without telling his wife (who thought they were happy) or the children). One of my friend's father had a change of heart as he got older and tried to mend the relationship, but my friend just couldn't accept it. The father passed away alone and lonely, never having met his grandchildren.

Original poster
Lorelaigilmore88 · 08/11/2023 13:30

Thank you for your replies, I appreciate the support.
To answer a few questions, he is in the UK legally, has the right to work. He is not that close to his family, he hasn't been back home in 7 years. I messaged his brother, I didn't want to message his mother in case she was worried. I spent a lot of time in his home country and I am fond of her. They don't speak English either so its always very broken/google translate.

I would not be totally surprised if he is in trouble with the police. I am not aware of anything overtly criminal that he does but his secretive behaviour about his income/phones has been suspicious for a while.
I will be more honest with the children. I will say that I don't know where he is right now and I have tried to get hold of him but he loves them etc. I'm not going to deviate from the daddy loves you very much line (even though his behaviour would seem to show he doesn't).
DS is 3 and is less bothered but DD7 is a daddy's girl and obviously remembers a point where he lived here and saw her everyday. It breaks my heart as she utterly adores him, loves that she is a clone of him.... two gorgeous kids who love him and he doesn't get how lucky he is.
His passport is here also btw, its still in the bureau with our marriage certificates. Although i guess he could have got a replacement.
I will contact the police, even though i don't in my heart think there is anything wrong with him, as pp said I cant rule it out.

OP posts:
Gawdimold · 08/11/2023 13:33

Sounds like he’s in prison

Dartmoorcheffy · 08/11/2023 13:36

Have you googled his name to see if he's been in court lately

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