Estranged husband disappeared 4 weeks.

[Lorelaigilmore88]

I don't think anyone can advise me here but I just need somewhere to speak.

I married an idiot in 2013. It became apparent gradually that he was an unreliable, thoroughly useless, selfish moron.
We separated 2 years ago when I eventually decided enough was enough but we kept civil as we have 2DC. He is useless and I knew that, but kept it friendly for DC - he's a 'fun dad' and particularly adored by DD7.
He was always extremely unreliable about seeing the kids. Frequently letting them down and i would always cover for him, i.e. make excuses about him needing to work (!) and distracting them with other stuff.

Anyway he has not been in touch for 4 weeks. Phone disconnected, no way to contact him via what's app or messenger. His family live abroad so they don't know where he is. I don't know how to reach him through his friends or where is living as he moved in July. Its like he dropped off the face off the earth. I've even transferred him £1 and put 'call me' on the reference.
Frankly I wouldn't care if i never saw him again but both DC are upset and DD 7 is devastated. They know he can't be working all of this time. The cruelty is unbelievable. He's fallen out of love with me thats fine, we'd split up, but this cruelty and emotional abuse of his children I cannot understand.
I don't know what to tell them? Honestly if he was dead it might be easier to go through that process rather than just sheer abandoment with no explanation. But this is dragging out and DD is in a constant state of expectating him.
The first weekend he didn't show he had made a promise to DD to take them out and she didn't want to make plans to see her friends as Daddy was due to come.

I am furious he is doing this to them. And I'm furious with myself for choosing them such a terrible father. I am keeping cool around the kids, they are getting lots of love. But inside I'm seething with this rage I can't cope with it.

Yes I have, I didn't find anything. I also did a search on courtserve to see if the daily listings had his name on but you cant search by name just by court and date and I cant really narrow that down.

Can you check the court reports of the last known location he lived in?

Sorry cross posted!

I think you're wise to contact the police, OP, and to be more honest with your children without breaking their hearts. 💐

Oh your poor children. If he's been shady about finances and various mobile phones then I'd hazard a guess that he's in trouble and lying low, or he's in prison.
Agree with others to tell the police the situation and be more honest with your children.
What a tricky situation for you.

I'd go the missing persons route with the police on a practical level because I can't think of a legal reason you'd have several phones these days, and then put it on the back burner and concentrate on handling it with the kids. You can't compensate for a shit dad, and tough as it is because you want to protect them naturally, that's their lot in life, he is part of their story. Acknowledge that this is a really tough situation that hurts, its ok to let them know you have not experienced this before either but you will get through it together.

No you don't want to be ranting and raving and slagging him off, and it's a fine line to walk especially when something so big has happened, but it's ok for you to be more honest with them about the situation.

After 4 weeks I'd be reporting him as a missing person and plastering his face all over social media. See if that doesn't get a response from him.

My father left when I was five. I was a daddy’s girl. I was there when he packed all his stuff and left the home.

I remember him asking if I wanted to go with him, but I just ran back to stand by my mother. He then disappeared off the face of the earth.

My mum was fairly sure his family knew where he was, he just didn’t want to pay maintenance to my mum and his 4 kids. (This was over 40 years ago).

I really can’t remember the immediate aftermath of his leaving. I must have been upset I guess, but I have no memory. I just remember the rest of my childhood being without my dad, but no big deal.

I do however remember meeting him for the first time when I was 17 and realising what a dick he was.

Im telling you this story to let you know that I personally didn’t suffer when my dad left at first. It took me longer to learn that he was a dead beat and I think I wished I’d known that earlier.

Maybe it’s better that your Dd knows about her dad, but you can control how she learns it, to mitigate the fallout.

Can you use this service to check if he is in prison?

Find a prisoner - GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)

Have you found him @Lorelaigilmore88 ?

How horrible of him to abandon his children like that. I would have thought that if he was in prison, but you would've heard because he would want you to put some money into his account at the very least. Does he have a car and is it registered to your address?