Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner may have a child

48 replies

AJB14 · 08/11/2023 08:32

Bit of a long, complicated one and I'm just trying to get some advice or understand why I feel this way.

When my partner and I first started seeing each other almost 4 years ago, we already knew each other. I knew he'd been in a previous relationship and bought a house with his ex as she got pregnant. Although I then found out they'd never lived together as she broke up with him before they moved in to the house. He lived in the house for a short while alone, then she moved in there and lived there for around 5 years I think.

Anyway, he told ALOT of lies at the beginning of our relationship, mainly because of what I said I wanted from a relationship, having been in a pretty bad relationship previously and not wanting to put myself in that situation again. His situation didn't match up with what I wanted.

He said he had confirmation that the baby that was born wasn't his, guess what, he didn't. He just assumed the child wasn't as the ex was with someone else before the child was born, this is someone that she had known and worked with for quite some time, as the child grew/has gotten older they look alot like this other guy. So, he'd always just thought she may have been seeing them both at the same time - no judgement here from me about that, life is complicated. He's apparently never met the child or paid any maintenance. The ex split up with the guy quite a while back now, but he's still playing the father figure - around 5 years on from the split.

In addition to the above, my partner 'forgot' to mention that he was still on the mortgage for the house they'd bought, the initial period was for 2 years and he'd even renewed the mortgage with her for another 2 years because she wouldn't have gotten a mortgage deal on her own, again, something he'd forgotten to mention. Thankfully that part is all sorted now and the house was sold a while back.

While the house was getting sorted, my partner asked the ex for a DNA test, she refused immediately and said if he persued it via a legal route she would go to CSA.

The part I can't get past is that my partner potentially has a child out there. I do not want to be in a relationship with someone that has a child, regardless of whether or not they have anything to do with them/pay to them. Had I known the truth at the start I would never have gotten into a relationship with my partner. In my own life experiences, situations like this almost always bring complications at some point. My partner just sees it as there is no issue as he doesn't have anything to do with the child.

I also don't understand why the ex won't give a DNA test, said child is approx. 7 or 8 so I doubt they would understand what was going on, especially with things like Covid swab still being a thing and my partner has reassured the ex he still wouldn't want anything to do with the child, which she has said is one of her concerns.

Any thoughts or advice on this are much appreciated.

OP posts:
Popperzip · 08/11/2023 08:37

Never mind about not wanting to be with someone who has a child, how about being with someone who is so two faced and sneaky as well as a liar.
This guy does not sound good tbh, and the fact there is a child caught up with this mess, why did you stay with him when it all came out about the house and the fact he renewed a mortgage behind your back?
do you guys even live together?

HaddawayAndShite · 08/11/2023 08:41

I agree with PP the child should be the least of your concerns. He’s a habitual liar, you can’t or shouldn’t trust him as far as you could throw him. I’m agog you stayed with him so far to be honest. Does he have a chocolate flavoured cock?

Fidgety31 · 08/11/2023 08:42

I wouldn’t want to be with a man who can deny his own child and not bother with it .

Nevermind all the other lies he has told !!

Original poster
AJB14 · 08/11/2023 08:42

So, I wasn't with him when he renewed the mortgage, I think it was the year before we'd gotten together that was renewed. He just didn't bother to tell me about it, I think it's something pretty important to mention.

I was going through alot at the time, to the point I'd considered taking my own life (before all of this came out) and I didn't think I'd cope with any more upheaval at that time.

Yeah, we've lived together for around 3 years now.

OP posts:
Popperzip · 08/11/2023 08:45

Do you think you’re fixating on this DNA test as a way to get an excuse to end your relationship or do you think you’re too co dependant on him because of your hard time in the past?
I don’t understand why you have stayed really. He sounds awful the way he’s talking about this child, how old is he?

Original poster
AJB14 · 08/11/2023 08:50

I think there probably is alot of dependancy there, my family, barring my brother, are absolutely toxic. Years of abuse from my parents, to each other, myself, my brother. My marriage was a complete wreck because I ended up with a husband who was exactly the same as my parents.

So when I met my partner who seemed to want to put me before anyone and everything it was really what I needed, I didn't want to settle any more if that makes sense. Then bits of the truth started coming out and by then I was in too deep.

My partner is 31, I am 36.

OP posts:
Autiebibliophile · 08/11/2023 08:51

I wouldn't want to be with someone who thinks it's ok to ignore a child that could be theirs for 7 years. And going for maintenance isn't a threat. If the child's his of course he should pay for upbringing.

This could be you, single parent with a father who ignores his child existence

Popperzip · 08/11/2023 08:56

@AJB14 its horrible what you’ve been through, but you deserve better than this guy.
He seems really immature, it seems that because of your vulnerability from past experiences your tolerating more than you should because it seems that your self esteem is low and you probably can’t see yourself finding someone else.
Have you ever been on your own and single for a period of time so you can have that time to yourself to reflect and to work out what you want and don’t want in a partner.
With this guy it could be there’s more lies you’re not aware of, if he could lie about this type of stuff what else could he cover up and hide. I don’t think you can trust him, have you had therapy ?

BoohooWoohoo · 08/11/2023 08:57

You can end a relationship for any reason. Like a pp said it sounds like you are trying to find a good enough reason which isn't necessary.

I am sorry that you went through a hard time but deep down you must know that this isn't a good man regardless of the DNA. His lying would be a dumping issue for most people tbh.

Does the DNA matter? He has said that he won't do anything if the child is his which should be a red flag anyway. You can't trust this man if you want children in the future - he will fuck them up and desert you at the drop of a hat because he clearly has no compassion for other people.

Original poster
AJB14 · 08/11/2023 09:01

I think some of my concerns lie there now, are there other things I don't know about? what might be covered up in the future?

I have been having counselling, because of my childhood/husband and work related issues.

I haven't even mentioned all of this to the counsellor, in all honesty because my entire life looks like a car crash really. There are that many problems and things that have gone on in my life that I'm starting to wonder if it's actually just me. You know that old thing of "is it everyone else, or is it you?"

OP posts:
Original poster
AJB14 · 08/11/2023 09:07

Just to throw into the mix, I can't have children myself. Which I have made peace with, I don't ever recall having an overwhelming urge to have children.

In someways I feel fine with it because it means I can continue to almost be as selfish as I want, if that's the right way to put it? Sorry, sometimes I struggle with wording things in the way in which I mean them.

But, that also means I'm heavily protective of that and wouldn't anyone elses children imposing on that. That is why I would never want to be with someone that has children, because it would be insanely unfair of me to put other people and especially children in that position.

OP posts:
Popperzip · 08/11/2023 09:07

@AJB14 sometimes we seek out people we are used to because we don’t know any different. Have some time to be by yourself, and end things with this guy. It shouldn’t be this hard in a relationship; and you shouldn’t have these concerns or trust issues.
Be open and honest with your counsellor so you have an outlet and possibly a solution to navigate a way forward.
Yes there is most likely most definitely he’s hiding more from you, there’s someone else out there for you don’t waste anymore time on this guy.

Popperzip · 08/11/2023 09:09

@AJB14 thats more than fair over your stance with children. Definitely move on from this guy you don’t want to waste anymore time worrying what if.

Elieza · 08/11/2023 09:15

im just trying to work out why she won’t let him do a dna test.

could it be the other guy has been told he’s the dad - as he is richer so is paying for the child. The mother thinks he’s the better father figure?

but at the same time she likes to keep your bloke hanging on to help her if the main father figure drops out? Covering her bases? Whether or not he is the real dad is unclear.

the whole things a right mess and I don’t think I could cope with that. People should pay for their kids end of. But if you need stability during a bit longer while you decide to move in from him then do that.

Original poster
AJB14 · 08/11/2023 09:19

I'm not trying to stick up for my partner and away from the lies, purely on the child situation - I have seen messages to/from the ex to both my partner and his mother and she explicitly says she does not want them to try and see the child and that longer term she worries about this being a reality. The only time CSA is mentioned is when anything around proving the child is my partners. This was also the case when the child was first born, almost as if this is being used as a threat. However, I completely agree that all parents should pay for their children.

OP posts:
Snugglemonkey · 08/11/2023 09:22

He lies. He thinks it is OK not to have anything to do with a child. He is not even bothering pushing fir a dna test. He has no problem in abandoning his own child. Why on earth would you imagine that he will be loyal to you?

Snugglemonkey · 08/11/2023 09:24

AJB14 · 08/11/2023 09:07

Just to throw into the mix, I can't have children myself. Which I have made peace with, I don't ever recall having an overwhelming urge to have children.

In someways I feel fine with it because it means I can continue to almost be as selfish as I want, if that's the right way to put it? Sorry, sometimes I struggle with wording things in the way in which I mean them.

But, that also means I'm heavily protective of that and wouldn't anyone elses children imposing on that. That is why I would never want to be with someone that has children, because it would be insanely unfair of me to put other people and especially children in that position.

Put yourself first, have the relationship you deserve with someone who deserves you.

CameleonAreFightingBack · 08/11/2023 09:25

Tbf, even if that would be the wrong way to approach things imo, I can see the pov of the mum.

This child has a dad already. The child looks like his dad.
She is worried that a DNA test that is saying the guy is not tte father will be a HUGE upheaval fir her child.
It’s not a ‘I don’t want a DNA test because I know for sure your DP is tte father’. It’s probably closer to ‘I’m scared that there is a chance he could be the father and I can’t cope with the consequence of that’

Your DP should have asked fir a DNA test 5 years ago when the child was born. But it probably suited him to believe in the ‘it’s not mine so I don’t need to bother’.
The question is: why is he asking for a DNA test NOW?

GoldDuster · 08/11/2023 09:30

The ex maybe won't consent to a DNA test because she doesn't want a man who is a liar and proven to have the moral fibre of a McDonalds Milkshake in a parental role for her child. Maybe.

he told ALOT of lies at the beginning of our relationship

... and he's continued how he started. You say that his situation didn't match up with what you wanted when you met, and nothing has changed. Stop flogging this dead horse and set yourself free. Don't waste your one short life on this shitshow.

Original poster
AJB14 · 08/11/2023 09:30

He only asked for a DNA test when they were sorting the house out because I said I didn't want to be with him if the child was his and that if he was that certain said child wasn't his, he needed proof of this.

I honestly thought it was something I could move past, but it's driving me insane.

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 08/11/2023 09:33

But why would you want to bargain your way into the life of someone like this? You can move past the continuous lying to your face but not the existence of a small human that he has never laid eyes on?

You're focusing in the wrong place, the child is not your problem here.

Original poster
AJB14 · 08/11/2023 09:35

I can't move past the lying, I question alot of what he tells me now and spend a good chunk of time wondering what he would hide from me in the future and how this would affect me in all circumstances (emotionally, financially etc) if/when I found out.

OP posts:
GoldDuster · 08/11/2023 09:42

AJB14 · 08/11/2023 09:35

I can't move past the lying, I question alot of what he tells me now and spend a good chunk of time wondering what he would hide from me in the future and how this would affect me in all circumstances (emotionally, financially etc) if/when I found out.

I'm not sure why you're trying to hang on to this relationship. You're right to wonder what he will hide from you in the future, because he has proven himself to be a liar.

If you stay in a relationship with this person, this will be your life. Currently it's the child issue, but it's just one drama in a long line of drama caused by him and his lying. The paternity/DNA is a red herring and it's stopping you from seeing the real issues at play here.

ValerieDoonican · 08/11/2023 09:53

Why would you want to move past the lying, when the other side of it, there will be - more lying!

Turn off the road, take a different route forward without Mr "lied to get in your pants and cannot be trusted" filling your path with unpleasant obstacles.

HundredMilesAnHour · 08/11/2023 10:05

GoldDuster · 08/11/2023 09:33

But why would you want to bargain your way into the life of someone like this? You can move past the continuous lying to your face but not the existence of a small human that he has never laid eyes on?

You're focusing in the wrong place, the child is not your problem here.

This. Why are you with this prince?

he told ALOT of lies at the beginning of our relationship

I don't understand why you didn't walk away at this point. This was red flags galore. And it's gone further downhill since then. I'm sorry that you've had such a horrible time in the past and it's understandably affected you but please VALUE YOURSELF. People will treat you how you allow yourself to be treated. Which in your case OP seems to be very badly.

You're worth more than this. It's better to be single than be with a liar.

Swipe left for the next trending thread