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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner may have a child

48 replies

AJB14 · 08/11/2023 08:32

Bit of a long, complicated one and I'm just trying to get some advice or understand why I feel this way.

When my partner and I first started seeing each other almost 4 years ago, we already knew each other. I knew he'd been in a previous relationship and bought a house with his ex as she got pregnant. Although I then found out they'd never lived together as she broke up with him before they moved in to the house. He lived in the house for a short while alone, then she moved in there and lived there for around 5 years I think.

Anyway, he told ALOT of lies at the beginning of our relationship, mainly because of what I said I wanted from a relationship, having been in a pretty bad relationship previously and not wanting to put myself in that situation again. His situation didn't match up with what I wanted.

He said he had confirmation that the baby that was born wasn't his, guess what, he didn't. He just assumed the child wasn't as the ex was with someone else before the child was born, this is someone that she had known and worked with for quite some time, as the child grew/has gotten older they look alot like this other guy. So, he'd always just thought she may have been seeing them both at the same time - no judgement here from me about that, life is complicated. He's apparently never met the child or paid any maintenance. The ex split up with the guy quite a while back now, but he's still playing the father figure - around 5 years on from the split.

In addition to the above, my partner 'forgot' to mention that he was still on the mortgage for the house they'd bought, the initial period was for 2 years and he'd even renewed the mortgage with her for another 2 years because she wouldn't have gotten a mortgage deal on her own, again, something he'd forgotten to mention. Thankfully that part is all sorted now and the house was sold a while back.

While the house was getting sorted, my partner asked the ex for a DNA test, she refused immediately and said if he persued it via a legal route she would go to CSA.

The part I can't get past is that my partner potentially has a child out there. I do not want to be in a relationship with someone that has a child, regardless of whether or not they have anything to do with them/pay to them. Had I known the truth at the start I would never have gotten into a relationship with my partner. In my own life experiences, situations like this almost always bring complications at some point. My partner just sees it as there is no issue as he doesn't have anything to do with the child.

I also don't understand why the ex won't give a DNA test, said child is approx. 7 or 8 so I doubt they would understand what was going on, especially with things like Covid swab still being a thing and my partner has reassured the ex he still wouldn't want anything to do with the child, which she has said is one of her concerns.

Any thoughts or advice on this are much appreciated.

OP posts:

Ladyj84 · 08/11/2023 10:23

First I wouldn't be with someone who conveniently forgets to tell important things that's sneaky and second I wouldn't be with someone who hasn't paid and looked after there child or gone for proof that it's his. Find yourself a decent bloke

BrimfulOfMash · 08/11/2023 10:24

Oh OP, this must be hard.

It’s a ticking time bomb. It may never go off, but you won’t ever know whether it will or won’t … until it does.

In years to come The child could do an ancestry test.. someone could say something that makes them think… the relationship with current father figure could break down… and out it could all come.

On the other hand it may well be that the other man is the father. Or that Ex is refusing a DNA test in case it shows that he is not the father and his support stops. Maybe she refused a test because she knew the baby was the OM’s but wanted your DP to stay in the mortgage out of obligation.

Your DP may well have been dropped into a difficult situation with his ex, and manipulated by her.

But instead of sharing the situation with you he made it worse by lying.

I’m not sure if it is possible to make peace with this.

Is he apologetic and distraught that he lied to you? Or making excuses and bring defensive?

You need to be in a relationship that is emotionally safe and secure.

AgreeWithPP · 08/11/2023 10:26

So this child has a dad who is involved and pays support etc. Obviously the mom is worried that your partner might turn out to be the biological father. He has already said he is going to be a deadbeat dad. So the child loses their dad and gains a lying bastard who wants nothing to do with them. This test has zero benefits to the child and could potentially ruin their life.

You are being massively selfish to expect this mom to do the test just so that YOU can feel better about the liar you are living with.

Do you imagine just happily walking away if the test proves he is the father and leaving them to pick up the pieces of their lives?

Either accept that he does not have a kid and leave his ex alone!! Or break up with him if that's what you would do if he turned out to be the father.

Petallove · 08/11/2023 10:57

The lying would bother me. Do you know why he lied? Is he trying to protect himself from reactions? I understand reading your update why you don’t want anything to do with children in your life. But unless there is a dna test you won’t know. The bigger question is do you really want to be with him? In another few years the outcome of the dna test may tell you the answer. If he doesn’t get the answer now. It could keep hanging over you.

Cumbrianlife · 08/11/2023 11:36

Am I right that you would have continued the relationship with him even if it proved to be his child and he played no part in their life?

User13579367337 · 08/11/2023 11:41

So he’s lied about pretty much everything, and won’t push for a dna test because hid forbid he might have to actually pay for his child? Yabu for being with a deadbeat dad and a lying sack of shit

Original poster

AJB14 · 08/11/2023 12:00

When I query the lying, I don't really get an answer, he gets very upset (sobbing uncontrollably etc) and seems very sorry for lying. I don't even know where it's come from, his parents are lovely and I doubt very much that he would have been punished for telling the truth as a child etc, so I cannot understand why it seems to be what is almost a habit.

OP posts:

Original poster

AJB14 · 08/11/2023 12:02

No, if he proved to be said childs dad. I would walk away, as I've said I would never put my feelings and thoughts around this on to another person, especially a child. If, as someone said above, this child found out in years to come and wanted a relationship with their biological father, I wouldn't want to hinder that.

OP posts:

Popperzip · 08/11/2023 12:02

@AJB14 it seems to me emotional manipulation a lot of people learn to do this because they play on peoples emotions when most people don’t like upsetting others. It seems to me it’s a tool for him to use to get you to back off so your distracted by the crying so you don’t ask too many questions.

CameleonAreFightingBack · 08/11/2023 12:11

AJB14 · 08/11/2023 09:35

I can't move past the lying, I question alot of what he tells me now and spend a good chunk of time wondering what he would hide from me in the future and how this would affect me in all circumstances (emotionally, financially etc) if/when I found out.

He has broken your trust.

Do you really think there is any way back and you’ll be able to trust him again?
What do you think he’d need to do so you trust him again? Because somehow, I don’t think getting a negative DNA test will do the trick.

Bookworm20 · 08/11/2023 12:13

So you've been completely upfront with him, especially over not having children, and he has just basically lied his arse off. To get what he wants. Which is you.
But that does not excuse lying! He has basically taken away your choice to choose him by lying. And he lied in order to get what he wants.
You have admitted that you would not have been with him, had you known those things.
He knew this! and so purposely hid them from you. Can you see how selfish that is!
And then throw into the mix how he has a potential child he wants nothign to do with. This bloke is the epitome of selfish.

And what would happen if he got that DNA test and the child was not his? You would really stay with him? After he lied and lied about everything and took away any choice you may have wanted to make?
I'd be so livid. What right does he have to do that? To basically say he is going to make this choice for you!
I'd be walking away. There will likely be a ton of other stuff he has lied about.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 08/11/2023 12:40

I assume the other /later bf is paying child maintenance so if she continued to accept this after finding out your bf is the father that would be fraudulent... I can see why she wants it to be left alone. He's not legally the father I presume (not on birth cert?) is the later boyfriend?
I think a child does have the right to know it's true biology but that's not your business

Original poster

AJB14 · 08/11/2023 12:43

@Unexpectedlysinglemum as far as I know nobody is listed as the father on the birth cert and the child has her surname

OP posts:

AgentJohnson · 08/11/2023 17:12

You language around his lying says a lot, ‘he assumed’, ‘he forgot to tell me’ etc. He is Mr path of least resistance, which means he will forever tell you what you want to hear so that the reality isn’t challenged. It appears you haven’t really accepted this because you are constantly trying to circumnavigate your own boundaries by staying. Waiting for the other shoe to drop is a pretty miserable way to live.

Opentooffers · 08/11/2023 17:27

Unless you have met the child's mother and heard it from her, I'd say its safe to assume he has lied about it being her who doesn't want the DNA test. Given that he knows you'd dump him if it's his.
By giving him a prior ultimatum, you've given him the perfect reason to lie.
Somewhere he has learnt that lying avoids negative consequences, but missed the memo where that can only workif the problem lied about gets remedied rather than looming and showing up down the line making a bad situation so much worse. A child doesn't go away.

Jewelspun · 08/11/2023 17:35

'he told ALOT of lies at the beginning of our relationship...'

And yet you continued to see him?

Is it any wonder you are now in the position you are in?

People that lie don't usually stop lying and will always do so.

Stop wasting your time and your life with someone who is always going to give you cause for concern.

For goodness sake don't breed with him and bring more liars into the world as he will be an appalling role model.

Popperzip · 08/11/2023 17:39

@Jewelspun that’s a really spiteful comment to say when op has clearly explained she isn’t able to have children.

CantGetDecentNickname · 08/11/2023 18:12

Snugglemonkey · 08/11/2023 09:22

He lies. He thinks it is OK not to have anything to do with a child. He is not even bothering pushing fir a dna test. He has no problem in abandoning his own child. Why on earth would you imagine that he will be loyal to you?

I agree with this.

You cannot be sure that anything he tells you is true. All the things he tells you about her not putting a father on the birth certificate and refusing a DNA test you can only be sure are true if you have either seen evidence or she has told you this herself. Have you seen the child yourself to know who it looks like? If you've only got his word for these things then they may or may not be true.

It is really hard to put up with this uncertainty and I think like other PPs have suggested, you would probably be better off being on your own for a while and having some professional help so you feel able to assert your own boundaries in a relationship and recognise when it isn't what you want. A lot of us would have left in the early stages when discovering the extent of all the lies.

Jewelspun · 08/11/2023 18:19

Popperzip · 08/11/2023 17:39

@Jewelspun that’s a really spiteful comment to say when op has clearly explained she isn’t able to have children.

I apologise. I missed the part where she can't have children. The rest of my comment stands.

Rewis · 08/11/2023 18:59

So his serious partner was pregnant. He found out she was cheating and decided that baby is not his answer decided not to find out. Now that his new gf says she will only be with him if she gwta proof that the kid isn't his, he decided to demand a paternity test and disrupt the lives of the mom and dad.

I don't want to date a dad either. But a liar and a deadbeat dad is even worse. And so is a non-dad that avoids responsibility and finding out the truth cause it's more convinient until finding the truth benefits him. Is there really a relationship with all the lies? If he is the dad is he happy to start paying?

Mrsgreen100 · 08/11/2023 19:14

Once a liar always a liar, maybe a real therapist not a counsellor, you will most likely without a lot of hard work choose partners who are similar to those who are toxic form your past , you deserve better.
it’s possible that you will waste years of you life on this guy who does not have your best interests at heart.
in my experience trying to fix a relationship with a guy who was always happy to lie just to
get what suited him best , wish I had got rid years before I did rather than listening to what they say just look at their actions

Despair1 · 22/04/2024 17:51

This relationship is doomed, needs to end. A man who doesn't want anything to do with his child (irrespective of DNA result) and you, who absolutely doesn't want to be in a relationship with someone who has a child. Game over!
I hope the child is OK, they are the most important person in al this

JenniferBooth · 22/04/2024 18:11

Not the first time ive seen a bloke with kid(s) lie to a childless/childfree by choice woman that he hasnt got kids because he knows she wont date him. Usually the plan is to get the woman to fall for him and then introduce the child hoping she will be so deeply in love with him by that point that it wont matter.
Totally ego driven

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