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Original poster

I think he had an affair a while back

29 replies

Confused118 · 07/11/2023 16:06

Long story short, I got together with my husband about 10 years ago, we got married and have a wonderful child. We get on fine and all my family likes him. When we got together it was a bit awkward as he knew my previous partner pretty well, who then levelled some accusations about him. I didn't listen to him and asked him not to say anything bad about my new partner but looking back my ex was a level headed man and I don't remember him ever lying or making things up about people, i just thought he was upset. We've never really spoke again.

It's 10 years later now and I saw him the other day at a distance and it reminded me about all this and particularly that he told me that my DH was after my sister, had some intimacy with her and then moved onto me. I asked DH this at the time when we got together and he assured me it wasn't true, my sister said the same thing.

I recently asked my sister about this again who told me it wasn't true but I could tell she was lying/cautious about something. I then asked DH who got annoyed and just started criticising my ex but he seemed very bothered by this. Not like the usual arguments we've had.

The more I think about it the more I think my ex had something he was holding back. We were all in a friendship group and DH and my sister had been out together for drinks/dancing loads of times before me and DH got together.

It won't leave my mind and if he and my sister slept together, even if they were both drunk then I think I had a right to know.

I just don't know what to do, me and DH are ok but there's an atmosphere at home and I don't know whether he's annoyed at the accusation or worried that I know more than he thinks.

OP posts:
Youthinkyoureuniqueyourejustastatistic · 07/11/2023 16:09

Drop it.
If it happened before you were with him.
Leave it alone.
You don’t need to know.
Is it worth ending your marriage over because either way I think it’s over if you can’t move past it.

booksandbeans · 07/11/2023 16:50

It won't leave my mind and if he and my sister slept together, even if they were both drunk then I think I had a right to know.

and what do you hope to gain from all this? If it was before you got together with him it is in the past which cannot be changed. He married you, not your sister.

Mummymummy89 · 07/11/2023 16:53

I don't think it's really an affair in the usual sense of the word, if it happened before you became a couple with him?

Do you have any reason to suspect it carried on or rekindled after you were married...?

Anothernick · 07/11/2023 16:55

You don't have a right to know what your DP did before you were together. And it's often a bad idea to ask, as in this case.

Most of us have elements of our past that would be hard to justify to our partners and families today, that is just life.

You need to live in the present and stop obsessing about this.

justalittlesnoel · 07/11/2023 16:57

It's not an affair if it was before you were together surely?

You've been together ten years. Married with DC. Why on earth would your ex be trying to meddle now? Your ex is being destructive and clearly trying to cause trouble, why else would he start saying these things to you ten years down the line?

Original poster
Confused118 · 07/11/2023 16:59

you're both right actually and I know that it's in the past and I look like i'm being silly, thankyou for your thoughts

i also know that if he had told me when I asked him that yes he had slept with my sister a few weeks before asking me out I would have most probably would have not taken things further

Hiding things/lying/agreeing with my sister to both lie to me. These are not things that i'd like my husband to do or my child to learn.

OP posts:
Tinklyheadtilt · 07/11/2023 16:59

That isn't an affair. I would leave it alone.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 07/11/2023 17:01

You have no right to ask either of them about this.

Original poster
Confused118 · 07/11/2023 17:01

hi sorry i mean I saw my ex at a distance, we didn't speak. I haven't spoken to him in years.

OP posts:
ginasevern · 07/11/2023 17:07

I can understand why this hurts so much. It was your sister he slept with not some woman you neither know nor care about. It couldn't be closer to home and you will both be seeing her on a regular basis. It's not a nice thought. But, it was before he married you so it wasn't an affair. Neither DH or your sister are going to willingly tell the truth so I should stop pursuing it. All you can do is weigh it all up in the balance and ask yourself if you are happy with DH in most other ways or are there other issues that make you uncomfortable.

SausageAndEggSandwich · 07/11/2023 17:07

It's not an affair. It concerns your DH before he met you.

You have no right to that information.

You need to get over it because probing further is not going to resolve anything, it's going to hurt you and upset your DH.

EthicalNonMahogany · 07/11/2023 17:08

My sister is quite like me, I'd probably think oh well, he has a type, ended up with the right one in the end!

OhComeOnFFS · 07/11/2023 17:09

I wouldn't be able to let this rest. If they were together then the fact they both lied about it would really piss me off - it would imply they'd had a conversation about it since he was seeing you, which I would really hate.

ForfarBridie · 07/11/2023 17:09

Jesus I wouldn’t be able to behave normally either if I was being asked about this and all the more so when you’ve brought it up again after years.

GreyCarpet · 07/11/2023 17:22

It wasn't an affair, as others have said, but...

It's a little too close for comfort isn't it? You say that you wouldn't have dated him had you known and this is the part that would be playing on my mind now.

The idea that you didn't enter into the relationship fully informed. Of course he'll have had a sex life before you, as you will have done before him but a sibling isn't the same as someone you don't know.

I would feel that they'd both been carrying a secret behind my back and had both denied me the opportunity to decide whether I wanted to get into a relationship with someone who'd shagged my sister (I wouldn't fwiw).

I simply don't believe that other posters wouldn't care if this had been done and hidden from them. There are instances where couples split up and onegets together wothba sibling of their ex but its not common and its less of an issue when all parties are fully aware.

ginasevern · 07/11/2023 17:24

@OhComeOnFFS

Totally agree with you. I would be uncomfortanble too and I think some of the previous posters would be if they were honest. This wasn't some random woman that OP will never see again, it was her sister. It would be a different matter if OP had always known about the relationship, maybe even shared a joke about it sometimes. But she didn't know until she'd been married to DH for ten years. The people who should be the closest to OP share a secret and that's not nice. I can't believe any woman wouldn't feel some negative emotion about it.

goalgrey · 07/11/2023 17:36

I would absolutely hate this, not just the act of them having sex but also the agreement to lie and keep it from me and keep such a massive secret for so long. Also taking away the opportunity for informed consent on your part. You may have been happy to date him regardless, but probably not and you didn't get the choice!

HOWEVER ... you're now 10 years into a happy marriage and have a child together... so despite how much I would hate this situation I also don't think anything good can come from poking around in the past in this instance. You run the risk of losing your husband and sister in the process by finding out something you don't want to hear details of....

Knowing the details can't change the past... but it can (and probably will??) ruin the future?

Do you think if they both admitted that yes they did sleep together once before you got together, or even worse, had a fling, or even had feelings for each other... could you stand that?
Or if you push more for answers yet they both continue to deny it will you ever feel satisfied with the answer? Will you always suspect they're hiding something?

In that sense you can't win... both 'yes' and 'no' will leave you feeling awful.

So I would aim for a different option. Acceptance. Accepting that you don't know because you have CHOSEN not to know. Because it's for the best. The past is the past. That no good can come from further info. Then that puts you back in the driving seat and allows you to move forward without ruining anything?

So long as you trust that nothing happened when you were together and you overall trust your husband then I could cherish the relationship and family that you have and be pleased you met him and he ended up with the right sister

SpeculatingRooks · 07/11/2023 17:38

But you say you asked them at the time, they both said no, presumably you believed them and then went on to stay with your husband for 10 years!

So why would seeing your ex and not even speaking to him put doubt in your mind now?

OhComeOnFFS · 07/11/2023 17:39

Also if it did happen, judging by their responses, I think they would have messaged each other to warn them you were on to them.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 07/11/2023 17:41

Perhaps it wasn’t very important to either of them? If it happened at all, which you have on no one’s authority but that of an ‘ex’ . And thei motives will have been above suspicion, of course.

Let it go, OP.

itsmyp4rty · 07/11/2023 17:45

Why would your sister have lied at the time? She wouldn't have done anything wrong if it was before you were together, so why would she lie? Maybe your ex got the wrong end of the stick or maybe they just snogged.

Jewelspun · 07/11/2023 17:48

Why in earth do you want to dredge up the past and risk losing your husband and your sister cutting you off?

Yesterday has been and gone, live for today and be happy for tomorrow isn't guaranteed and you risk stuffing it up for yourself and your loved ones.

Go ahead and push the self destruct button but you'll be destroying others including your child.

Original poster
Confused118 · 07/11/2023 18:07

Thanks for the responses and to those who 'get' why it's on my mind.

I think 'something' happened but it may not have been anything that deep. It's the lies that I think are going on and went on and particularly the secret behind my back thats upset me.

I've got no plans to leave DH at all. I'm not trying to dredge up something thats happened, been dealt with and gone. I'd just like to know. It was really really important to me at the time and he knew that.

OP posts:
ForfarBridie · 07/11/2023 18:09

OP, you say you really want to know but have you thought of the impact it could have on you if it’s true. Are you ready for the fall out?

perfectcolourfound · 07/11/2023 18:33

It wasn't an affair. I'd usually say you don't have any right to know about what he did before he was with you.

But.... you asked him if he'd had a relationship with your sister. You knew you wouldn't want to be with him if he had. He said no. Which means, if it did happen, he's lied to you. As has your sister. And that starts to feel a but like they're in cahoots in the lie (even though they may have never discussed it again).

You shouldn't ever lie to each other in a relationship. And lying so that someone will go out with you who otherwise might dump you, is really poor.

Have you put it to him this way - that he wouldn't have done anything wrong if he'd slept with your sister, but that lying to you is a potential marriage-wrecker? If he tells you the truth, how do you think you'll react? It might be worth planning for scenarios before you talk to him.

Ultimately, if he says he didn't sleep with her, then you have to decide if you believe him (and then let it go) or if you don't (in which case you shouldn't be with him).