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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Disagreement about house buying with boyfriend.

89 replies

Doodles29 · 07/11/2023 12:56

Hi everyone. I wondered if I could ask for some advice please.

I currently live in my boyfriends flat with him and pay rent. We are looking to buy a home together.

I have 100K in savings from a previous property I bought, renovated and sold.

He has around 70k tied up in his flat.

I would like to invest all of my money into the property (with this being written up with solicitors to cover myself if anything goes wrong).

He would like to go 50/50 on the property, meaning that I would have £30K left sitting in my savings making little interest.

i have tried explaining that if we both put all of our monies in, it will serve us both better in terms of the mortgage and we would need to borrow less (meaning paying less interest).

He is still being very stubborn and is saying that he wants to do £70K each.

I have tried explaining that because I put more money in doesn’t mean that the house is more mine, it simply means that I just get out what I put in at the end if things were to go wrong.

am I justified in what I am saying or am I being selfish?

Thank you.

OP posts:
Doodles29 · 08/11/2023 18:38

Completely! How have I only just got to the age of 28 and am beginning to realise that my parents have controlled me too much?

My other two siblings have managed to break away from this; but for me it hasn’t been so easy.

So confusing as I have never really argued with my parents and am only now seeing them in a different light.

Thank you for all your suggestions, kind words and support. I live so inside my head sometimes, so it is good to vent on here! Thanks again x

OP posts:
skyeisthelimit · 08/11/2023 19:34

well done OP, like I said earlier, you will find it easier to start again with £30K in the bank, when you had no money you had to move in with your parents, so having money will stop that need, so they are talking crap basically.

so when you are your tribe of children are homeless, you will be thankful that you have it in the bank Halloween Grin

Namechange4234 · 08/11/2023 19:38

Your parents are Batshit and very controlling

Not a good combination

Bristoluser · 08/11/2023 22:48

If it was me I'd put in about 70k but I don't think your boyfriend should put all of his either. You need to keep some money aside (both of you) so that you have some for emergencies like a new roof/boiler etc and some for personal freedom. I don't even shares matter if you do a deed of trust . Obviously he may also not want to pay more or equal amount of the mortgage but I'm not sure about how you resolve that.

Bristoluser · 08/11/2023 22:49

I mean I don't think unequal shares matter with a deed of trust

bonzaitree · 09/11/2023 07:18

If you split (with or without kids) you’ll have a nice chunk of equity plus £30k minimum PLUS any additional savings you’ll have no doubt saved on top of that.

That’s plenty to start again.

Your parents aren’t financial advisors OP.

billy1966 · 09/11/2023 09:53

A good solution OP.

Your parents do sound over involved, however by having to return home and live with them because you were homeless, you have given them a ringseat to your life.

They are not wrong to push you to protect yourself better, and with this plan, you are now doing that.

So many women lose money through investing with boyfriends, having no real career, yet having children without marriage.

Bad decision making where you hope for the best, leaves so many women in truly awful situations.

Your parents do not want you back on their doorstep homeless again, with a couple of children in tow this time.

Harsh perhaps, but not unreasonable.

It may be harsh to hear it, but they are not being unreasonable to want you to protect yourself the very best you can.

Put distance between you by not telling them your business if you think you need to.....

However, at 28 you need to be making decisions that 100% protect you if things don't work out.

Men do this instinctively, but so many women don't.

They have children without protections.

They live in a house without being on the morgage, yet invest and pay towards it🤷🏻‍♀️.
To be turfed out without recourse at their partners whim, often with children.

They give up careers and lose them, while raising children and supporting the careers of men who won't marry them.

Bad decision making.

I have two daughters and I will encourage them to be bad minded if needs be, to plan for the worst while hoping for the best.

I have never read a thread or post on MN from a woman regretting protecting herself, her money, her home, her career.

Conversely I have read 100's of posts from women who bitterly regret being spectacularly naive and foolish with the above, while they had their love goggles on.

Your parents may well be controlling but they were there for you when you were homeless, and they obviously don't want it to happen again.

Prove them wrong by continuing to make life decisions that protect you, your security and future.

Wishing you well.

caringcarer · 09/11/2023 10:48

Channellingsophistication · 07/11/2023 13:05

Much better to put in equal amounts. I dont think he’s being stubborn he just has a different view to you.

This and you having your own £30k you could invest separately.

Babydaddy1978 · 24/12/2023 01:10

Your bf sounds like a sensible and honourable chap. Your parents are BU

CostedStrikeRate · 24/12/2023 05:48

There are ways to grow £30K that would keep it liquid. Property isn't the only game in town.

Nantescalling · 25/02/2024 18:44

Burnamer · 07/11/2023 13:09

Can he articulate why he isn’t happy with a % based ownership?
does he think it will cause issues around maintenance costs are split? I wouldn’t Be happy owning c41% of the property but paying 50% of the maintenance costs for example.
what about decoration costs?
is it just that he wants it to be 50:50 because it “feels” fair? If you can understand why he has an objection you might be able to either overcome it or agree he has a point.
could you show him worked examples of mortgage payments illustrating the saving to him over the next 5 years?

(for what it’s worth I think he is being daft).

This 200%. I see your point but doing a 50K% to 70K% could cause friction down the line. Also - looking on the dark side here - how would that work if there were ever a divorce.

mumda · 19/04/2024 08:58

You don't agree and your parents want a day

Don't buy a house for the next 12 months.

It'll save you a lot of heartache.
And get 50k in premium bonds now.

GreatGateauxsby · 19/04/2024 09:36

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 07/11/2023 15:35

Put the 30K into something that you cannot get to easily, like £20K into an ISA this year, keep the rest and add it next year. Leave it there forever, your safety net.

That way it is not yours, not easily accessible and he will have to understand that this is the consequence of his decision. That £30K disappears from your joint life completely.

Your parents are mad. Telling you you cannot go to them for help if you don't do as they say? Laugh and move on!

I agree with this.

Also the size of the mortgage not the deposit is generally what is problematic.

With house prices as they are even if put the 30k you still might not keep it in the even of a split.

Opentooffers · 19/04/2024 15:48

Zombie thead people

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