Disagreement about house buying with boyfriend.

[Doodles29]

Hi everyone. I wondered if I could ask for some advice please.

I currently live in my boyfriends flat with him and pay rent. We are looking to buy a home together.

I have 100K in savings from a previous property I bought, renovated and sold.

He has around 70k tied up in his flat.

I would like to invest all of my money into the property (with this being written up with solicitors to cover myself if anything goes wrong).

He would like to go 50/50 on the property, meaning that I would have £30K left sitting in my savings making little interest.

i have tried explaining that if we both put all of our monies in, it will serve us both better in terms of the mortgage and we would need to borrow less (meaning paying less interest).

He is still being very stubborn and is saying that he wants to do £70K each.

I have tried explaining that because I put more money in doesn’t mean that the house is more mine, it simply means that I just get out what I put in at the end if things were to go wrong.

am I justified in what I am saying or am I being selfish?

Thank you.

He's actually taking the sensible approach here even if the way he articulates it isn't.

Uneven percentages are a can of worms.

Have you considered him borrowing 30k to make your contributions even? Have you considered putting your 30k into an index fund as part of your retirement plans?

There is no way I'd go into an uneven investment with a boyfriend no matter how it was nailed down in a solicitor's document. As others said, it becomes petty and stupid and difficult to handle when ad hoc needs arise on a day to day. Say you need to pay £2000 for bathroom work or split the cost of the new conservatory and then have to figure the money out at the time of the sale. But, you see, during the time you live there, the two of you are benefiting from these things EQUALLY but they contribute overall in different ratios to the value of the home over time.

PS. (1) stop giving your parents this level of detail in your financial affairs, they aren't entitled to it. If they ask, say don't worry you remember what they said! Then smile and change the subject.
(2) they are of a generation which thinks the only road to financial security is in bricks & mortar; this is an outdated and inaccurate assumption in 2023
(3) there are tax perks to investing in your pension, start reading everything you can find
(4) Self managed Index funds such as Vanguard are right now out performing the capital gain on property and a very sensible decision

I mean he’s foolish imo as that 30k will reduce his mortgage interest?! Unless you were planning on him paying more each month because he contributed less?

In your shoes I would invest that money in an isa/bond Barclays will get you roughly 4K return if you lock that into a bond for 2 years!

Imagine all the nice things you could do with that extra cash?

but yeh I think he is missing a trick!

Your parents must hate that you are living back at home given that they would refuse you a 2nd time, thats nice of them. If 100K was not enough deposit for a flat for yourself, it's unlikely that it would be in the next 5 years either as property prices are stagnating due to high interest rates, so you may well not get much more out than you put in.
Take into account future plans too. Are you already looking ahead with a plan not to get married or have DC's? Their plan is only relevant if you stay co-habiting for years.
All sounds a bit controlling of your parents to me, and perhaps you overshare on the details of your life to parents who are too willing to use the info to get you to do their bidding. Unless they are financial advisors, their opinion is just that and not necessarily what works any better.
It's good to enter into a relationship on an equal footing and it's also good to keep a bit back for emergencies. If you don't earn as much as your partner, having some savings can be useful.

I think it would make more sense financially to put in as big a deposit as you can, if that would get you a lower interest rate, and possibly be able to buy a nicer/bigger property/better area. I would be annoyed if not putting in the extra would mean you'd have to settle for a more run-down area or being stuck with worse schools. Would you be able to illustrate that with some spreadsheets showing total interest paid over the life of a mortgage, or examples of properties you could buy with the £140k deposit vs. a £170k deposit?

For me I'd find it hard to care about the equal contributions, but then I'm in a relationship where we were married before buying our first place so the contributions didn't really matter. DH paid the whole deposit with no input from me and we just saw it as "our money" because all money has been joint since we were married.

I'd stop discussing my finances with my parents in such detail. They're BU.

Parents are not always right.

His opinion should matter more than you parents, seeing as you are buying a house with him, not your mum and dad.

if your parents start on just tell them you’ve learned from your previous mistakes and ultimately it’s none of their business what you do with your money. You’re letting them have too much input.

The thing your parents said about you spending your own savings on joint things and not getting them back - is that what happened last time?

50/50. Its easy then.

I am with your BF. Just go in 50/50 and invest your money in a high interest account, at the moment you should be able to make good interest off it.

It’s none of your parents business either.

Your bf is right, your parents are wrong and treating you like a clueless child and being incredibly controlling.
There are NEVER any guarantees you will get out what you put in when you buy a house. The market can change, the house could burn down, you could get subsidence, literally anything.
I think it’s very honorable of your partner to want to go 50/50 with you.
Should things go south, 50/50 makes division of assets etc. very straightforward. Equally, if the worst happened and you needed to get out quickly, and maybe for whatever reason the house didn’t sell quickly/stuck in a long chain/ lose your job, whatever happened, that £30k could be your only way out until you get the rest out of the house.
Keep the £30k. Put it into a high interest savings account, or fixed term bonds, or any other way that stops you having instant access if that’s your parents concern, and forget about it. Then you don’t have to continue being a victim to your parents threats either because if this relationship fails they won’t have to take you in anyway because you’ll have this £30k to help house yourself temporarily.
And if they still aren’t happy then it doesn’t matter. Your life and your finances are none of their concern, you’re an adult. If they don’t like it stop telling them the details. They don’t need to know how you split costs within YOUR OWN household.

Can you go 50/50 but then put 30k "leftover" into a mortgage offset account? Then work out repayment on basis that you pay less of ongoing mortgage as your 30K is lowering interest? So you still have 50/50 ownership, less compound interest but also you're paying less on going basis to recognise your bigger input?

Equal amounts then put your £30k in a high interest ISA you can’t withdraw from for a fixed term.

I don't think neither of you is wrong. I see it as a different approach. I wouldn't invest the full amount tbh. I would keep some savings. Can you put your total and less pay less mortgage percentage? Not sure if that can be done officially.

Your parents are giving you terrible advice!

Do they realise there are other very simple and much more reliable ways to keep money safe?

If anything, your security would lie in having access to £30k in cash if your relationship were to go wrong, especially when a roof over your head with your parents is conditional.

Even if your parents advice wasn’t bonkers, your boyfriends choice is fair and valid. He wants you both to own the home equally which is completely reasonable.

There are other issues to consider.

Do you earn similar amounts - in which case 50:50 mortgage payments are fine.

Or does one of you earn significantly more, in which case would you split the mortgage payments proportionally?

Is marriage on the cards?

Do you plan to have children? If so, who would take the hit in terms of reducing working hours and/or sacrificing career progression and pension contributions?

It's best to sort this out before you commit yourself, as countless threads on MN show.

You're not married, don't see eye to eye on financial affairs and you are calling him stubborn just because he doesn't agree with you!

You don't have to be Mystic Meg to see that this is all going to end in tears.

Thank you all for your advice.

I had a discussion with my boyfriend last night and we settled that we would each put £50K for the deposit and £20K for renovations.

My 30K will be in a secured bank account with limited access. My boyfriend suggested that when he manages to save more money, I match him and we pay off some of our mortgage early.

This seemed like a good compromise to me. I told my parents this morning and they have basically said that I never listen to their advice and that if we split then ‘I will be homeless with a child or two in toll’ and they refuse to help me.

My response : “well all the more reason for me not to invest all of my money in the property then”.

Did not go down well and now they are not speaking to me.

Good decision. Your parents are way out of order on this both financially and in terms of the relationship that should exist between you. Hopefully they will see sense soon.

A parent's job is to teach their children how to take decisions, not dictate what decisions they should take.

You've made a good decision to save some of your money. If your relationship goes wrong and you have kids, you'll be able to start up on your own.

Tell your parents you received advice from a financial advisor (don't tell them it was Mumsnet) and this is what they recommended.

If your parents would let you and their own grandchildren go homeless to prove a point then all the more reason to make sure you never have to live with them again.
For what it’s worth, your boyfriend sounds like a good egg. You started with opposing views and you’ve compromised and settled on something you are both comfortable with.
There are a lot of scroungers out there who would want to get their hands on your money, or insecure control freaks who don’t like the thought that their partner has money of their own.
Working hard to save and to match you in overpaying/ paying off your mortgage shows maturity and decency on his part.
Keep communicating and having frank and open discussions about money. Many relationships before now have failed when this hasn’t happened, and so far you two sound like you are on the same page about a lot of things.

I agree with him.

God, your parents sound awful. Your plan with your boyfriend sounds very sensible and I wish you both all the best

Your parents will come round OP, don’t worry too much. It’s unlikely that they want to lose their daughter completely over this and are probably just struggling with the fact that someone else will be a bigger influence in your life than they are from now on.

You did the right thing. Your parents can’t be in charge of you forever and something like this probably had to happen sooner or later.

Now you know. Your parents a are a little bit bobbins 🙂