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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't know how to handle his behaviour

56 replies

iamclassy · 07/11/2023 08:49

I am struggling with my partner's behaviour/attitude towards me and I don't know how to handle it. Firstly we don't live together so I stay at his a few nights in the week. When it comes to sleep we are both different. He likes to have the tv on and fall asleep to that whereas I find it easier to fall asleep when the room is quiet and dark. 9 times out of 10 it doesn't bother me and I fall asleep in bed with the tv on but there are occasions when the tv is on loud (if he's watching an action film so it is a "noisy" film). At those times I will ask him what volume has has got the tv on and whether he can turn it down or I say I'll go and sleep on the sofa. He never reacts well to me saying this and his reply is always "you are in my house and I'll do what I want". I never know what I can say to that. Secondly I have noticed he speaks rudely towards me and this is happening more and more. If he wants to talk about something he expects me to sit quietly and listen to him. After I have listened to him if I try to say something he shuts me down by telling me to either speak to him later or to "shut up". Another example is the other day I wanted to quickly show him something I had bought which is of sentiment to me. At the time he was on his phone watching the football results and he just looked up at me, huffed and said "show me later because I'm busy". That then turned into an argument with him shouting at me. I am really struggling to talk to him about anything (important or not) and feel he does not "allow" me to talk and I am not listened to. When it comes to wanting/needing to talk to him about something important to me I feel I start the conversation but then he jumps in and before I know it we are talking about him, and his problems and what I wanted to talk about has been overridden so then I just leave it. I'm not sure if I'm being too sensitive or whether his behaviour is actually rude and I'm a fool for accepting it.

OP posts:
Eyesopenwideawake · 07/11/2023 08:52

And his good points are...??

barbarahunter · 07/11/2023 08:53

I think you already know the answer. Thank goodness you don't live with him.

Velvetbee · 07/11/2023 08:54

Leave. You’re not a fool, you’ve been socially conditioned to doubt yourself and put others first. However this is a learning opportunity, dump him and never allow anyone to treat you this way again.

gannett · 07/11/2023 08:55

Handle it by leaving and not having to deal with it

HopelesslyOptimistic · 07/11/2023 08:56

Good grief, leave leave leave the rude boy, If/when he asks you what's up, send him a response shhh I'm busy. Then block him!

SuperGreens · 07/11/2023 08:57

He is awful, don't waste any more of your time and energy on someone who treats you like that. Take that time and energy and invest it in yourself focus on increasing your self esteem and self worth.

OlderandwiserMaybe · 07/11/2023 08:58

Read back you post to yourself and imagine a close friend was telling you this about themselves and was asking your advice.
What would you advise them?
He's conditioning you to behave how he likes and you're learning to accept his appalling behaviour.

Stop now. Throw this one back and I'm sure after a short while you'll feel so much better about yourself.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 07/11/2023 08:58

Wow… he sounds so considerate and respectful….

PTSDBarbiegirl · 07/11/2023 08:59

End it.
Imagine this behaviour x 100 and you have what it would be like to live with him.

ABeautifulThing · 07/11/2023 08:59

Personally I wouldn't tolerate such thoughtless and disrespectful behaviour.
A relationship of mutual respect doesn't include phrases like 'shut up' or ' it's my house and I'll do what I like'.
While you're busy bending yourself out of shape trying to see things from his point of view and take into account his preferences, he is doing nothing of the sort.
You have a man who considers you beneath him in the pecking order, instead of a valued equal, and no happiness ever came out of that. He'll treat you as nicely as he has to, to keep you on board for what he wants from you, but won't extend any courtesies or consideration to you when it's inconvenient.

End it.

Manadou · 07/11/2023 08:59

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 07/11/2023 08:58

Wow… he sounds so considerate and respectful….

Irony doesn't always come over well on forums. Of course you meant the exact opposite.

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 07/11/2023 08:59

He doesn't sound very nice at all, how long have you been together?

TheDogthatDug · 07/11/2023 09:04

As PP have said, get rid. You are already on MN questioning his behaviour, just think what it is going to be like in the future.

MrsFawkes · 07/11/2023 09:08

I don’t know why but I’m getting a vibe that actually your boundaries are so low that even if you do leave him you’ll go back.

Please don’t. I can only see a bleak future with a bully like this.

Leave him.

Marblessolveeverything · 07/11/2023 09:10

Adults don't handle each others behaviour. He is rude, disrespectful and plain nasty to speak to you that way - leave. You deserve better.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 07/11/2023 09:15

You and he should not be together any longer. You do deserve far better treatment than this.

FartSock5000 · 07/11/2023 09:23

@iamclassy his behaviour towards you is appalling. Almost as though he is 'training' you up to be his silent hole. You're not allowed feelings and thoughts of your own.

This isn't love.

End it. Find someone else or be on your own to work on your personal boundaries. He is not going to improve, this is who he is and he isn't a nice person who feels real love for you.

VeridicalVagabond · 07/11/2023 09:29

You handle it by leaving. He has zero respect for you, and a healthy relationship can't exist without mutual respect.

CalistoNoSolo · 07/11/2023 09:30

The TV in the bedroom would have been the deal breaker for me. You can do so much better @iamclassy than this not very nice person. And he won't get any better, only worse.

NotLactoseFree · 07/11/2023 09:33

You're not even living together and he's ac controlling prick.

Leave, and just don't go back.

TheSandgroper · 07/11/2023 09:35

You know how you have to get into your car to go to his place, well, just don’t.

Is it you that makes the phone calls? Well, just don’t.

TheCatterall · 07/11/2023 09:38

I’d be long gone by now @iamclassy - why are you still with him?

Can you imagine talking to your family and friends like this?

pinkyredrose · 07/11/2023 09:39

you are in my house and I'll do what I want"

I don't see any reason to continue a relationship with someone who doesn't like you.

Newestname002 · 07/11/2023 09:44

@iamclassy

OP this charming person is showing you exactly who he is. Thank your lucky stars you don't live with him, not dependent on him financially or have finances entangled (you don't do you? And no little "charmer" on the way?)

From this point on he doesn't get any better - quite the reverse - and he's very unlikely to improve with you understanding him or trying to negotiate with him because he wants what he wants and that's it.

Time to cut yourself loose for good and all (even if he says he'll change, because why would he?), lick your wounds, take stock and move forward, away from anyone like him. Good luck. 🌹

LittleGreenDragons · 07/11/2023 09:45

If you've ever wondered how and why abused women stay with their abusive and controlling partners then look in the mirror. This is how it starts. In five years time you will be here complaining of how he throws your phone at you or punches holes in doors.

For goodness sake just leave him. You are worth more than a nasty, horrible man.