Are my expectations unreasonable?

[Diamondshmiamond]

Sorry for long post but here goes... Currently disagreeing with dh about many things. But I find it hard to gauge whether IABU or not, as he always claims I am. So wanting a reality test I guess...

He had a stressful work situation arise last week - getting blamed for something that wasn't his fault. Unlikely to be let go, but possible as he's not been in the job long so no protection. I sympathised, but he didn't seem too stressed considering. In his industry people seem to change jobs quite a bit. We agreed to try not to stress over the weekend as we can't do anything about it.

I bumped into a friend on Friday and we arranged to have an impromptu fireworks and food at ours on Sat, and I invited a couple of other family's over (neighbours and dcs friends). I know dh doesn't like having people over, as he's very unsociable, so I rarely invite anyone, but I went ahead as

• I enjoy it and rarely do it
• Dc enjoy it and I want them to see socialising as normal
• We won't be invited anywhere if we never invite people back.

I knew dh wouldn't really like it, but in the past we've agreed I can occasionally invite folk around as a compromise on what we both want, between sometimes (me) and never (dh). He didn't ask me not to.

I buy and prep everything and dh seems ok. Then an hour before people arrive he gets really grumpy and says he's too stressed. He then just doesn't come downstairs at all, all evening. I have to make an excuse he has a migraine (though no one really asks about him as they're so used to him being absent). He's now barely speaking to me as he feels I should have cancelled as he was stressed.

I feel this is unreasonable as

• he never actually asked me to cancel, and could have told me the day before rather than just get grumpy an hour before when it's too late to cancel
• dc would have been really disappointed and its not fair on them
• if he didn't want to join in, he could have popped down to say hi then made an excuse.

I know the timing was poor, but there's never a good time to invite people over for him, and dc were looking forward to it. I just feel really lonely sometimes as its hard to socialise as a family by myself. He has no friends and I don't want dc to end up like him, I want them to see friendships as normal. I usually end up apologising to keep rhe peace and smooth things over, but I really don't feel I'm in the wrong. He feels i should be more supportive while hes stressed, esp as hes the main bread winner and carries that responsibility/ stress. Am I being unreasonable?

I wouldn't say you were, I mean you can't do anything about the situation as you discussed and he could have said not to if it was that bad. Then if he's not sociable anyway... would it have been any different if it was any other time?

Bit off not to at least say hello, considering he didn't have a migraine...maybe that's just me.

Like I'm not an overly sociable guy but I wouldn't make things difficult in terms of seeing people. I'd still join in and be social, inside id likely peak an hour in and had enough but even so I just get on with it if everyone else is happy.

The to were unreasonable to expect his participation. He got out of your way and let you have your gathering. He doesn’t have to make an appearance.

I'm an introvert and would find it too short notice plus I would rather you sounded me out about it BEFORE the invitations were issued, not just presented it as a fait accompli. It's better that he kept out of the way than be around everyone but sullen and grumpy. YABU.

I feel a bad for him. It's not unreasonable to socialise in your own home, but you hosted a pretty big party without even consulting him first, and you did it right in the middle of him having a really shitty time. Don't use your child to defend what you did.

Why tell people he had a made up migraine, especially if they weren’t asking?

Just dont mention it or tell the truth and say he is upstairs doing something.

It’s his home. If he wants to chill upstairs he can, and he if doesn’t want people there at short notice then that’s fine.

My guess is there was a big deal made of him not coming down and that if you had just left him to his own devices he would have been fine (and maybe even made an appearance at some point)

I don't think you're unreasonable to want a sociable husband but you know who you married and he's not like that so you're unrealistic to expect it to change

He's also rude sulking upstairs like a teenager.

He's controlling in his behaviour. You have nothing to apologise for.

Hmm... OK replies seem fairly split.

I wouldn't mind if he absented himself with a polite 'hello but not staying' appearance, but in the past he's been incredibly sullen to guests, and this time not even saying hello to people he knows, to me is rude. He also is now not speaking to me still, and accuses me of being selfish etc, so it creates an awful atmosphere (not just him choosing not to be involved).

I feel lonely as basically I do all family social events alone eg school events, parties etc. To the pp who said I must have known what he was like, he has always been somewhat introverted, but wasn't unsociable when we met. We used to like socialising as a couple and he often went out with friends from work. All changed since dc - we got out of the habit with a baby, moved to where we had less friends/ bars on the doorstep, both started wfh since covid etc. He says he particularly doesn't like having people in our house, but it's tricky as we have no family to babysit, I feel like we occasionally have to reciprocate invites (not loads, but few times a year), and with dc it's easier to socialise in homes rather than go out for a meal etc.

I'll end up apologising to keep the peace as usual, but my resentment is growing.

Dear OP, you wrote:

I'll end up apologising to keep the peace as usual, but my resentment is growing.

Hold on to that. Nurture it, let it grow (he'll feed and water it, no doubt).

The sulking and being sullen would kill things for me.

I'm guessing he doesn't really like you socialising either? eg if you want to go out with a few girlfriends and he has to stay home with the DC?

DH is an introvert and prefers fewer gatherings. BUT....like you, he gets that this is prt of life and it's important to have friends. when we have friends over, he is there and engaged. and if a girlfriend comes over he'll have a brief chat and then might make a cherry exit to leave us to it. That is very different to what you are describing.

I'd be very nervous. I know a man exactly like this - pre kids, him and his DP had a pretty active social life but the hints were there from the start. He didn't like her going to the gym, or going to work events. And then once the DC came along... well, that was it. We weren't exactly invited over to theirs a lot pre-DC but after the DC, the very very odd time she would spontaneously invite us over (usually for coffee -I think she was too scared too suggest actual meals) he'd walk around with a face like a thunder cloud. Once he realised we were all tired of it he briefly tried to convince people it was her fault and/or that he had social anxiety. Load of bollocks.

Ok so clearly you don’t host often or like it. Which is skewering your view point. This was not a “pretty big party” , it was a few people over for a few hours. As far from a pretty big party as it gets.

op, I think he’s being very unreasonable and controlling. I’m glad you didn’t cancel and I’m glad you’re not letting him bully you into isolation. For you an your kids sake.

i would not have cancelled either, but I’d also have friends over when I choose and expect him to either go out for the evening or night, or join in. He needs to compromise better, you should get at least two weekends a month for you to do as you please in the house and him get the other two weekends .

I agree with this.

I think him staying upstairs and saying he's ill is fine in this scenario. It sounds like he's really stressed.

Also, you said "We agreed to try not to stress over the weekend as we can't do anything about it." If he suffers with anxiety, it's not easy to just put it out of your mind and carry on. He could probably have put a brave face on it and got through a normal family weekend, but to suddenly spring this party on him at a time of high anxiety was too much to ask. Spoon theory; look it up.

I'm not saying you should never socialise and never entertain; I'm saying that the timing and the way you went about this was all wrong.

agreeing not to stress about shitty work situation does not mean having mental capacity to deal with social gathering at your house

you were seriously selfish in this scenario and pretending to have a migraine was really polite of him - someone with stronger backbone would chew you out in front of your guests

I think we're giving split reactions because we're all responding to different things in your post

You married an introvert. You need to either choose to be in a relationship with an introvert and accept that for what it it, meaning you don't get to decide on a whim to invite people over without discussing it with him beforehand, and accept he may choose not to be involved in social activities. Is he unfair for needing time to himself and not wanting to participate? No.
Are you unfair for wanting a husband who like to spend time with other people? Also no, it's just not going to be him. Neither of you are unreasonable or wrong because if this. You just may not be compatible as a couple.

As for his reaction to this event however, that's just immature. Sulking, silent treatment. These things are actually listed as one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse - meaning predictors of divorce in the long term. Maybe you should consider counseling to figure out how to communicate better on these situations?

I'd be really pissed off if DH invited a bunch of people over and didn't even have the decency to speak to me about it first. I think you were pretty selfish, to be honest.

I also don't think he should have to fake interest in your social life - let him sit upstairs or go out while you get on with it 1 it's your party, not his.

Your DH is stressed and wants time alone so you... invite people over for the next day for fireworks, that innately loud thing you can hear loudly streets away?

If one person in the house doesn't like people over, you shouldn't spring impromptu things on them last minute. It's reasonable for you to want to have people over sometimes, but this should be settled some time in advance and not sprung on others.

He didn't want them there, so it's fine that he didn't give up his time to spend with people in his house that he didn't want there, since he just wanted to be left alone. Why does he need to 'make an excuse'?

Both of you sound a bit unreasonable.

He also is now not speaking to me still, and accuses me of being selfish etc, so it creates an awful atmosphere (not just him choosing not to be involved).

Accusations are admissions. I'm not a particularly sociable person either, but I wouldn't accuse someone of being selfish by having some food/fireworks with friends and the kids on fireworks night

He didn't have to do anything, he just stayed out the way, and still he's punishing you for something that benefits the children and you (and him, having friends who can lend a hand when needed is important when you have children)

I think you should have run it past him first.

Jumping people with ‘surprise!!!’ when they’re already tired and ruffled isn’t helpful. You must know that by now.

Having said that, DH should have told guests the truth - he’s too knackered to party and is going upstairs for me-time.

Don’t use the kids as an excuse to get people round. You could all have taken them out with friends. And talked to
DH about how everyone thinks you’re a single mother cos he won’t socialise - later. A week later.

@Diamondshmiamond how antisocial he is!! that is terrible behaviour! has he never heard of just putting a smile on dial and putting thing to the back of his mind for a few hours?

He's a miserable controlling twat. You are right to socialise your kids so they don't end up like him.

Hmm... few misunderstandings

• he didn't say he had a migraine, I did when someone asked where he was. He would hate me to tell them he was stressed (he's very private), and I felt I had to say something.
• it was short notice but he had a couple of days notice, and didn't seem stressed until an hour before. As mentioned, I wouldn't mind so much if he said to me he couldn't face it and said a polite hello then excused himself, but he's so grumpy about it.

Needless to say there's more context. There's never a good time to invite people, which is why I rarely do it. The last time was 6 months ago and he did show his face but was sullen because that time (plenty of notice) he was tired. 2 friends in the past have discreetly asked me if they'd done something to offend him as he seemed off with them (they hadnt). Sometimes I think he makes it difficult on purpose to wear me down into stopping inviting people altogether (which is half working).

I have suggested counselling but he's refused. He's actually fine with me going out with friends separately, but I'd like some time as a family. I feel sad we'll never have holidays with friends, Christmas gatherings etc. I guess I have to suck it up as probably not something to split over, but it does really get me down.

Just for comparison, yours may not be the same situation obviously so take it with a pinch. My stbxw was similar however she was abusive, mostly emotional and psychological but at times physical.

A big factor in it was other people, family in particular. It wasn't always this way early on but as time went by and we had children it ramped up. It was basically, our household was a family and nobody else is.

Every occasion, event, gathering was made difficult or uncomfortable in some way, either avoiding it or causing a scene, being off with people for no reason. When visiting relatives we could only stay an hour and even that was too much apparently. Every time no matter how well it went, something was wrong, someone offended her. They were then in the bad books.

Nobody was allowed over or in our house, not even tradesmen and we had to see people elsewhere if we did but majority of the time it was a hard refusal. It was rare we saw anyone.

Eventually we were totally isolated, most people including family were cut off because they were in her bad books and we saw nobody. We hadn't had Christmas, birthdays or any event with anyone else in around six years.

I tried and tried to see people for the children it ended in rage. I tried to get help, counseling, something, refusal and rage. She's now done the same to me out of nowhere and cut me off, isolating our children even more.

Mine is malicious with it but she wore me down to nothing and once I had no more to give she threw me under the bus.

How did he have a couple of days notice? You bumped into someone on Friday and decided to invite them Saturday.

I'm glad you've said that he's happy for you to go out without him, so the "he's trying to control and isolate you" people are wrong. He's just wanting to isolate himself, not you.

Agree with PP who says neither of you is wrong, you're just incompatible. If you want to stay together and you want to have people round to the house then start much more gently - one friend or a couple round for coffee, say - and work up to bigger gatherings.

Not "Hey, DH I know you're stressed this weekend about the work thing, but just to stress you out some more, I've invited a dozen or more people round tomorrow for fireworks and fun. I expect you to be cheerful and nice to them." It's too much.