Are my expectations unreasonable?

[Diamondshmiamond]

Sorry for long post but here goes... Currently disagreeing with dh about many things. But I find it hard to gauge whether IABU or not, as he always claims I am. So wanting a reality test I guess...

He had a stressful work situation arise last week - getting blamed for something that wasn't his fault. Unlikely to be let go, but possible as he's not been in the job long so no protection. I sympathised, but he didn't seem too stressed considering. In his industry people seem to change jobs quite a bit. We agreed to try not to stress over the weekend as we can't do anything about it.

I bumped into a friend on Friday and we arranged to have an impromptu fireworks and food at ours on Sat, and I invited a couple of other family's over (neighbours and dcs friends). I know dh doesn't like having people over, as he's very unsociable, so I rarely invite anyone, but I went ahead as

• I enjoy it and rarely do it
• Dc enjoy it and I want them to see socialising as normal
• We won't be invited anywhere if we never invite people back.

I knew dh wouldn't really like it, but in the past we've agreed I can occasionally invite folk around as a compromise on what we both want, between sometimes (me) and never (dh). He didn't ask me not to.

I buy and prep everything and dh seems ok. Then an hour before people arrive he gets really grumpy and says he's too stressed. He then just doesn't come downstairs at all, all evening. I have to make an excuse he has a migraine (though no one really asks about him as they're so used to him being absent). He's now barely speaking to me as he feels I should have cancelled as he was stressed.

I feel this is unreasonable as

• he never actually asked me to cancel, and could have told me the day before rather than just get grumpy an hour before when it's too late to cancel
• dc would have been really disappointed and its not fair on them
• if he didn't want to join in, he could have popped down to say hi then made an excuse.

I know the timing was poor, but there's never a good time to invite people over for him, and dc were looking forward to it. I just feel really lonely sometimes as its hard to socialise as a family by myself. He has no friends and I don't want dc to end up like him, I want them to see friendships as normal. I usually end up apologising to keep rhe peace and smooth things over, but I really don't feel I'm in the wrong. He feels i should be more supportive while hes stressed, esp as hes the main bread winner and carries that responsibility/ stress. Am I being unreasonable?

@Diamondshmiamond I get you OP - mine would be the same, except in my case he moans that we don't get to go out as a couple with other friends (my friends tend to go out as a bunch of women) and he doesn't have the kind of local friends who nip to the pub etc - then if I invited people round tends to want at least a weeks notice and moans about it

Basically you can’t win because he never wants people over. You spontaneously invited people over, wow, so unreasonable. Not.

Your husband is now huffing and puffing and sulking. Do not feed that fire. Totally ignore that behaviour.

When things have calmed down you could have a conversation around better communication, from you and from him. He needs to take responsibility too, it’s not all on you to keep the ship afloat.

Catsafterme - that sounds awful. I hope you're feeling better off without her, but understand worries for your kids.

In my defence, I mixed up my days - invited friends on Thurs so 2 days notice (and not over a dozen, 5 adults and 4 small kids).

I don't want to aim even lower, with 1 person allowed over for coffee. I will plan with more notice, but mutterings are already starting about family who are due to visit before Christmas (not for Xmas - our compromise), so not holding out much hope that advance warning helps.
Crystal ball when choosing a life partner would be nice wouldn't it, on both sides maybe.

Yeah, was hard at first getting used to being around people and dealing with everything else that's going on but getting there, thank you.

I mean mine was on the extreme end as it came with a lot more behavior than that but I understand how you feel when it comes to wanting to socialize yourself but also as a family.

As other poster said it may be he's isolating himself rather than you, I don't know but it's hard when there is never any interest or push back with everything.

it was short notice but he had a couple of days notice

No he didn't - you arranged it on the Friday and your friends came on the Saturday

It doesn't sound like you're a good fit so maybe it would be best to go your separate ways if you can't learn to live with each others differences.

I missed your latest update but in all honesty I still wouldn't want nine visitors in my house with two days notice.

Not everyone enjoys spontaneity or socialising - it doesn't make them controlling or weird it's just their personality. Ultimately you're not compatible when it comes to socialising so either you learn to live with each other's differences or you split up.

compromise is the key. A good compromise for him is you giving at least three days notice, so he could go somewhere else if he needed to. He shouldn’t have to appear at all if he doesn’t want to, the migraine thing is fine.

If he can’t compromise to the extent you never ever get what you want then I think you’d be better apart. You and the kids should be able to have a more fun life if you wish to.

Huffing for days to teach you not to do what you did ever again is unacceptable. He has to learn to compromise. And not be controlling.

A good talk is needed here once he’s calmed down. He is upset with work and taking that out on you to a degree. But you have needs too.

If you truly want to compromise in theory every second weekend you should be allowed to have folks round (providing he doesn’t need to get involved). Tell him that and when he freaks out tell him that you are prepared to compromise more (and make it every third or fourth weekend) but that he can’t get it all his way. It’s a partnership. You both have needs. His don’t trump yours.

If the room he hides in can be comfy with tv, perhaps kettle and mini fridge with milk or a couple of beers, snacks etc.then he can hide away with no reason to complain.

If you can’t resolve this then it’s time to consider splitting.