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Original poster

Zero libido husband unhappy what to do?

36 replies

Snowwhite83 · 06/11/2023 21:31

Hi I turned 40 this year and libido has been dead for atleast 5 years now .

I am on both the pill and spironolactone for pcos and cystic acne WHICH i don't think helps.
Husband not happy with sex once a week which I enjoy in the moment but feel too tired and not in the mood for beforehand so he has to ask every week.
I I have two children and demanding job but it's not getting better, despite children being school age now. He feels rejected and its negatively affecting our relationshDon'I don't want to lose my husband and he isn't a pest just wants to feel wanted by his partner. Feel very guilty but too tired to do anything about it. Any advice, is there anything I can do?

OP posts:
Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 06/11/2023 21:34

If you enjoy sex once you get going could you try initiating and see if the mood takes you once you start?

EarthSight · 06/11/2023 21:37

What are your current testosterone levels like? I understand with pcos they can get too high, but at the same time, it's not good if they're too low either. That's what the pill will do - it will raise SHBG that then lowers levels of testosterone your body can use.

Pinkpinkplonk · 06/11/2023 21:37

Go back to your gp. Explain that your lack of libido is risking your marriage. They may be able to adjust your medications

Isheabastard · 06/11/2023 21:57

Your husband might be an absolute sweety, but it is a well known fact that a man who really pulls his weight around the house becomes sexier. Plus you’ll less tired too.

you have two kids and a full time job, that’s enough physical and mental stress to put your libido to zero.

YRGAM · 06/11/2023 22:03

Responsive desire - read about it

NorseKiwi · 06/11/2023 22:57

When I cut out cream (especially cream - cream reacts like the devil with my hormones) and soft cheeses etc I stopped getting cystic acne (I havent eaten cream since 2019. I accidentally had some cream in a french custard pastry and got cystic spot in 2021! By removing the diary, you might be able to remove some hormone pills and gain some libido back - just an unqualified thought via my own experience.

gemloving · 06/11/2023 23:11

Do you actually want your libido to go up or is this purely the fear of losing your husband? There should be no fear of losing your husband when you have sex once a week.

MMmomDD · 06/11/2023 23:24

Can you talk to your doctor. You could try to get off the pill, while keeping the other meds.
May make a difference.

Otherwise - i don’t think there is a solution different from making a conscious effort and initiate at times. Put it in your calendar and do it. And it doesn’t necessarily have to be full sex - i think your H would be happy with an additional hand job, here and there.

I agree one shouldn’t have sex they don’t want. BUT in your case you libido is affected due to meds. And you’d prefer it to come back - if it were possible.
And you want to want to have sex with your H.

So - you kind of need to make an effort and hope libido would recover a bit.

Lostsoul2023 · 06/11/2023 23:31

God i think once a week is really good and something to look forward to !!!! Im trotting behind you at the moment. Take care of yourself OP

Julianna7 · 07/11/2023 00:12

Maybe therapy or going to the doctor. Side effects could decrease libido.
But ...I find sex once a week very good!!...your husband is a little demanding.

RosiePeel · 07/11/2023 01:01

What is wrong with once a week?

Ladyj84 · 07/11/2023 01:20

Lol glad my hubby ain't bothered 4 young kids I ain't got energy for anything so once a week is awesome lol

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 07/11/2023 06:40

I don't think it's necessarily about frequency? Once a week is not nothing. But the husband wants to feel attractive to his wife. That's not unreasonable. It can very easily become routine that one partner always initiates and gets easy for the partner with lower libido to settle into this as they are happy with the frequency so don't feel the need to initiate as they know their partner will. It's good to shake it up. As long as OP does actually want to have sex and enjoys it it wouldn't be too difficult to initiate occasionally and would make a big difference to the dynamics.

reclaimmyboobs · 07/11/2023 07:05

What about what you want and your happiness? You’re having sex once a week, which sounds like a compromise on your part and you’d rather have none. Why does it have to be as much sex as he wants? Once a week when you’ve got two children and a demanding job might be as good as it gets. Can you do couples counselling rather than scheduling pity hand jobs?

Or is it less about the frequency and more that he has to ask? I was going to say “if you know he’s going to ask and you know you’re going to do it, just buckle up and make the suggestion yourself” but I couldn’t even type it without full-body recoiling as who wants to ask for sex they don’t want?

Boomboom22 · 07/11/2023 07:08

I think once a week is an awful lot with 2 young kids. Many many people have none or once every 6 months whilst in your situation. He sounds horrendous tbh.

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 07/11/2023 07:10

Boomboom22 · 07/11/2023 07:08

I think once a week is an awful lot with 2 young kids. Many many people have none or once every 6 months whilst in your situation. He sounds horrendous tbh.

Most people do NOT have sex never or twice a year with young kids. Who told you that?

PansyPolly · 07/11/2023 07:13

on the subject of responsive desire - try reading Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski

acpk55 · 07/11/2023 07:15

Boomboom22 · 07/11/2023 07:08

I think once a week is an awful lot with 2 young kids. Many many people have none or once every 6 months whilst in your situation. He sounds horrendous tbh.

why is he horrendous?, there are plenty of threads on this forum from women claiming that their male partners have no / low libido and never initiate sex, those women are never called horrendous, the normal advice for those is to pack the partner off to the GP to get his bloods checked

PansyPolly · 07/11/2023 07:16

You say it has been like this for 5 years and your kids are school age now and that you are always tired. Were they good sleepers? Are you actually getting enough sleep?

Others have focused on meds and they may be a factor but look at your life overall too.

Boomboom22 · 07/11/2023 07:16

Because he's getting shit tons of sex and still moaning and wants op to initiate/ do more? And she is tired!

Musiclover234 · 07/11/2023 07:21

We are 44 and while I’m probably in peri once a week seems great for both of us!

While you both have differing needs he probably needs to understand that these needs/wants will fluctuate through midlife.

Anothernick · 07/11/2023 07:25

Our unofficial "target" when we had young DC was not less than once a week. And I think that's pretty good but it does take commitment and a willingness on both sides to prioritise sex and accept that you will sometimes have it in the interests of your DP and your relationship generally rather then in the interests of yourself.

Having said that I think your DH is being foolish if he is threatening the whole relationship because he thinks he isn't getting enough. This is not an indication you don't want him - do you show affection in other ways - cuddling, kissing etc?

WaltzingWaters · 07/11/2023 07:27

Boomboom22 · 07/11/2023 07:08

I think once a week is an awful lot with 2 young kids. Many many people have none or once every 6 months whilst in your situation. He sounds horrendous tbh.

He definitely does not sounds horrendous. He wants to feel wanted by his wife. That’s normal. It’s not like he’s demanding sex daily.

OP, I get it. My previously extremely high libido has reduced significantly since having a child and like you, I’m tired and not fussed about initiating but do enjoy it once we get started. I try to make sure though that I do initiate sometimes and I think it makes a huge difference.

Does your DH help around the house/with the kids much? That will obviously help you be less tired and I bet will also help get you in the mood seeing him help cook and clean!

itsmyp4rty · 07/11/2023 07:32

Once a week is pretty much all I've ever wanted. Could you meet in the middle with him masturbating and you joining in with a bit of kissing and touching. That way he's getting intimacy without you having to make sure you're in the mood for full sex.

pinkdelight · 07/11/2023 07:33

My hormonal contraception also really flatlined my libido and I wanted to be free of that feeling so my DH had the snip. Obviously you still need some of the meds for your conditions but you could look into recalibrating what you're on if he's willing to do that. Not sure if he's the sort who's open to it, my DH would've never guilted me about low libido, but it would put some responsibility onto him instead of you.

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