Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Zero libido husband unhappy what to do?

36 replies

Snowwhite83 · 06/11/2023 21:31

Hi I turned 40 this year and libido has been dead for atleast 5 years now .

I am on both the pill and spironolactone for pcos and cystic acne WHICH i don't think helps.
Husband not happy with sex once a week which I enjoy in the moment but feel too tired and not in the mood for beforehand so he has to ask every week.
I I have two children and demanding job but it's not getting better, despite children being school age now. He feels rejected and its negatively affecting our relationshDon'I don't want to lose my husband and he isn't a pest just wants to feel wanted by his partner. Feel very guilty but too tired to do anything about it. Any advice, is there anything I can do?

OP posts:
bonzaitree · 07/11/2023 07:35

I feel like once a week is reasonable OP.

Have you asked your husband how often he wants sex?

toddlermom9 · 07/11/2023 07:36

Boomboom22 · 07/11/2023 07:08

I think once a week is an awful lot with 2 young kids. Many many people have none or once every 6 months whilst in your situation. He sounds horrendous tbh.

Eh? Why on earth is he horrendous? I wouldn't be happy with sex just once a week either.

PansyPolly · 07/11/2023 07:43

As a PP said, I don’t think it’s necessarily about the once a week, but about the 5 years of always being the one who initiates and the general feeling of being less attractive for that reason.

(I’m extrapolating slightly from the OP and may be off base)

JIMMI85 · 07/11/2023 07:51

It’s not always about sex, intimacy without sex is just as important IMO.

if I was having sex once a week with no other intimacy, such as cuddling, kissing etc then I would struggle. However, if there was intimacy I would likely be ok with it as I would still feel loved and wanted.

margotrose · 07/11/2023 07:53

Boomboom22 · 07/11/2023 07:16

Because he's getting shit tons of sex and still moaning and wants op to initiate/ do more? And she is tired!

I wouldn't describe once a week as "shit tons of sex".

Thisisworsethananticpated · 07/11/2023 08:04

Talk to him
I think this is more about how he feels than the sex , and the fact he’s initiating

also how do you feel ? Are there things you can do to feel sexier and more in that space
when I was seeing someone the prep , shower , shave , oil , underwear got me in the mood

so you could be watching Tv together but you feel sexy as you had your shower and have your best undies on …

its really tricky and very common

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 07/11/2023 09:13

Boomboom22 · 07/11/2023 07:16

Because he's getting shit tons of sex and still moaning and wants op to initiate/ do more? And she is tired!

He's not 'getting shit tons of sex' and there is nothing 'horrendous' about wanting to feel desired by your partner. Your kind of thinking leads to some very unhappy and unfulfilling marriages!

reclaimmyboobs · 07/11/2023 09:33

If the baseline of sex is zero – because our natural state is not having sex more than it is having sex, and sex isn’t a right or a need, it’s a want – he may not be having shit tons of sex but he’s having shit tons of sex more than zero, and shit tons more sex than OP probably really is up for. I think the issue probably isn’t frequency but initiation: always always being the one to initiate, ask, persist, pursue, woo, whatever, is one-sided.

acpk55 · 07/11/2023 10:28

reclaimmyboobs · 07/11/2023 09:33

If the baseline of sex is zero – because our natural state is not having sex more than it is having sex, and sex isn’t a right or a need, it’s a want – he may not be having shit tons of sex but he’s having shit tons of sex more than zero, and shit tons more sex than OP probably really is up for. I think the issue probably isn’t frequency but initiation: always always being the one to initiate, ask, persist, pursue, woo, whatever, is one-sided.

Absolutely this, if you are the one always initiating it make you feel like a sex pest and your partner is just going along to keep you quiet & does really feel the same way about you

Crushed23 · 07/11/2023 10:40

I’ve been to the GP three times about my low libido and haven’t found it particularly helpful.

Got referred to a gynaecologist who also didn’t seem to think it was a big deal - she said it was normal for couples to have mismatched sex drives.

Low libido in younger women just isn’t taken seriously.

I’ve got an appointment with a different gynaecologist (not to be ageist but she is younger so I am hoping there is more sympathy to my situation than with the last consultant who was in her late 50s).

I wish I had an answer for you OP, but I am in the same boat and I am really fighting to even be heard by the medical profession. 😞

Bobbotgegrinch · 07/11/2023 17:09

gemloving · 06/11/2023 23:11

Do you actually want your libido to go up or is this purely the fear of losing your husband? There should be no fear of losing your husband when you have sex once a week.

Its not always about the amount of sex, but wanting to feel wanted.

Me and DP had a similar issue years ago. I always had to initiate sex, every single time. Sometimes she'd say yes, sometimes she'd say no, and that was fine, but the fact I was the only one taking the risk and getting the brush off led to feelings of rejection, that she was only saying yes because she felt she had to etc. Which in turn led to me having erectile dysfunction issues, because if she wasn't really into it then I certainly wasn't

We had a very long conversation about it one night and it turned out that wasn't the case, DP enjoyed sex and wasn't just agreeing to it to shut me up, but she didn't initiate because she had her own self confidence issues going on, and was worried about being rejected.

I get that responsive desire is a thing, and that you can enjoy something in the moment that you couldn't be arsed with or were too tired for initially, but there has to be some equality, you can't have one person being exclusively responsible for ensuring you have a sex life

New posts on this thread. Refresh page