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Original poster

Behaviour during funeral

42 replies

bereavementhrowaway · 06/11/2023 19:39

My mother died recently (late middle age). My family dynamic is very very difficult and arranging the funeral was hard. I ended up staying in a hotel the night before to avoid the family home, staying with DP.

I went to buy a floral arrangement for my DM last minute and kept it in our hotel room. I put the AC on to 18ish as advised by the florist, to make sure the flowers were fresh in the morning for her casket. DP was ill with a cold and didn't appreciate it.

We had an argument a few days afterwards, and I told him that I hadn't felt supported by him (he had been difficult about food etc., but nothing major, this blew it up). He brought up my awful selfishness in using the AC.

We've made up, but I don't feel like I've gone back to normal. It's hard not to feel like he doesn't care for me or have much empathy. It's not just this, but this is the main thing sticking in my head.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TheGreenGreenGrassOfHome · 06/11/2023 19:43

I’m sorry for your loss.Flowers

I like a cold room, and always put AC on in hotel rooms, but it would have been miserable to be feeling so ill and have to sleep like that.
The flowers would have been fine in the car, or the hotel could probably have stored them in their wine cellar if you asked.

Original poster
bereavementhrowaway · 06/11/2023 19:45

Sorry, should say this was a while back, late summer - 24Cish.

OP posts:
RedCoffeeCup · 06/11/2023 19:46

OP, I'm really sorry for your loss and that you found the funeral difficult, but I'm afraid I think it was unreasonable of you to keep the hotel room chilly when your DP was ill.

Uricon2 · 06/11/2023 19:46

You're bereaved and your DH was ill, not a great situation all round. I would try to put this incident behind you if he's normally OK and I'm sorry for your loss.

Original poster
bereavementhrowaway · 06/11/2023 19:57

Thanks, this is helpful (knowing DP not being totally unreasonable!).

I think the problem is, he knew I was very upset about her not having flowers and he didn't complain loads at the time. He raised it afterwards and accused me of being very selfish, when I had just wanted my Mum to have something nice. Ofc she is dead so it didn't really matter.

OP posts:
Meeting · 06/11/2023 20:01

I couldn't sleep in a room at 18 degrees, I'd be shivering.

SM4713 · 06/11/2023 20:10

I'm sorry for your loss Flowers
Hospital wards and places with ill people, its are recommended to be 21'-24'c. I personally would find 18' freezing, even when not sick!
I would have bought fresh flowers on the day of the funeral instead, filled the bathroom sink and sat the flowers in their and kept the door shut, or asked reception if they had somewhere cool to keep them. I would never have thought to make the entire hotel room cold.
You are grieving and he felt unwell. Not a great combo.

Original poster
bereavementhrowaway · 06/11/2023 20:13

It wasn't possible to buy them on the day - very early service. I can see that I was being unreasonable now. It wasn't that cold in the room though, he slept fine.

OP posts:
tarheelbaby · 06/11/2023 20:22

Is he really questioning your behaviour at any time during the weekend of your mother's funeral?
Reproaching you now for anything that happened then is unfair and unkind. How did he contribute to making things easier then?

(If he had wanted to keep the room at 18C (not a crazy temp either), I doubt you'd have complained, nor would you be throwing it in his face now - it would simply have been what was necessary for his mother's funeral)

overwhelmed2023 · 06/11/2023 20:27

I think I'm seeing a lot of threads lately where everyone wants things a particular way.
YWBu about the flowers and the AC yes - your DH was poorly and cold. Why do you need to post about it though?

Itsalwaysthelasttime · 06/11/2023 20:28

18 degrees isnt that cool at all thats what I have my thermostat set to at the moment overnight all heating off.
It was your mums funeral he sounds like a bit of a dick to be honest.

Original poster
bereavementhrowaway · 06/11/2023 20:31

@overwhelmed2023 it's not just about that, try to have some empathy. What makes you the posting police?

OP posts:
FloweryName · 06/11/2023 20:32

Sorry but you were unreasonable about the air conditioning. That would have made me grumpy too, especially if ill. This is why florists deliver, yours gave very thoughtless advice. If he didn’t complain at the time even though he really wanted to, then that was his way of being supportive.

But it doesn’t sound like that’s the real problem here, there must be other problems with your relationship.

Original poster
bereavementhrowaway · 06/11/2023 20:34

tarheelbaby · 06/11/2023 20:22

Is he really questioning your behaviour at any time during the weekend of your mother's funeral?
Reproaching you now for anything that happened then is unfair and unkind. How did he contribute to making things easier then?

(If he had wanted to keep the room at 18C (not a crazy temp either), I doubt you'd have complained, nor would you be throwing it in his face now - it would simply have been what was necessary for his mother's funeral)

I know I would not have complained. However I'm not everyone, so seeing different views is helpful.

This isn't the only thing that has made me feel let down by DP, but I wanted views on this incident because it is a recurring thought.

OP posts:
FloweryName · 06/11/2023 20:37

I know I would not have complained. However I'm not everyone, so seeing different views is helpful.

He didn’t complain either though. From your OP, he didn’t bring it up until after you complained that he was being unsupportive.

It’s a problem that arose from the last minute flower planning.

Yettisrus2 · 06/11/2023 20:38

I always turn the AC off in hotels as I get really cold at night(even abroad where it's hot). If I was ill and had the AC on all night, I'd be bloody grumpy too. The fact that he put up with it when he was ill shows he was being considerate to your feelings.

Siha345 · 06/11/2023 20:39

tarheelbaby · 06/11/2023 20:22

Is he really questioning your behaviour at any time during the weekend of your mother's funeral?
Reproaching you now for anything that happened then is unfair and unkind. How did he contribute to making things easier then?

(If he had wanted to keep the room at 18C (not a crazy temp either), I doubt you'd have complained, nor would you be throwing it in his face now - it would simply have been what was necessary for his mother's funeral)

I agree with this. It’s unfortunate he had a cold and had to spend a few hours being a bit cold but your mum had died, you were grieving and the flowers were important to you. Grief definitely trumps a cold. I currently have my heating on 18 degrees and it’s not the arctic in here. Has he ever lost anyone? It’s hard for people to understand if they haven’t lost a parent or close family member

junbean · 06/11/2023 20:42

With the circumstances I think your DP was being highly unreasonable. He should have been more sensitive and not make the situation more traumatic for you. Being uncomfortable for a night is nothing compared to losing your mother. I hope you are doing okay.

Original poster
bereavementhrowaway · 06/11/2023 20:42

@FloweryName the flower planning was not my fault. I had to physically bring them and DP understood this.

He didn't not complain at the time. He brought it up afterwards during a separate argument as an example of how selfish I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
bereavementhrowaway · 06/11/2023 20:43

bereavementhrowaway · 06/11/2023 20:42

@FloweryName the flower planning was not my fault. I had to physically bring them and DP understood this.

He didn't not complain at the time. He brought it up afterwards during a separate argument as an example of how selfish I am.

Didn't, not didn't not!

OP posts:
Original poster
bereavementhrowaway · 06/11/2023 20:48

@Siha345 he lost a parent very young. He doesn't talk much about it, which I suppose is understandable.

OP posts:
pickledandpuzzled · 06/11/2023 20:55

I think what you did at the time was reasonable in those circumstances. At the time he accepted it.

If he’s been visibly ill- shivering, delirious, coughing unable to sleep- I imagine you’d have responded to his needs and warmed the room? 18 degrees is not cold.

What else did he do at the time which left you feeling sufficiently unsupported to be talking about it months later?

Raising it now suggests he’s looking for excuses retrospectively.

Is he generally inconsiderate, and is now casting around for examples of you being equally inconsiderate and the funeral visit is the best he can do?

Original poster
bereavementhrowaway · 06/11/2023 21:03

pickledandpuzzled · 06/11/2023 20:55

I think what you did at the time was reasonable in those circumstances. At the time he accepted it.

If he’s been visibly ill- shivering, delirious, coughing unable to sleep- I imagine you’d have responded to his needs and warmed the room? 18 degrees is not cold.

What else did he do at the time which left you feeling sufficiently unsupported to be talking about it months later?

Raising it now suggests he’s looking for excuses retrospectively.

Is he generally inconsiderate, and is now casting around for examples of you being equally inconsiderate and the funeral visit is the best he can do?

It was a cold - he wasn't feverish, just that lingering cough. If I thought he was suffering I'd have tried something else.

As an example, he ghosted me for 2 days because I went out with work colleagues and didn't reply to his texts until morning due to my phone dying. This was within a week of the funeral.

He sometimes speaks to me like a child, telling me off for touching him affectionately in public (like a dog, apparently), tells me that I don't have any useful working skills (maybe fair, I'm a middling public sector type). I feel criticised a lot.

OP posts:
MaryJanesonabreak · 06/11/2023 21:07

He doesn’t sound like a keeper.

TeaGinandFags · 06/11/2023 21:10

It seems as if DH resented the cool room and hasn't been able to get over it. However he shut up bc he understood how you were feeling and that grief and logic don't always go together. Unfortunately he's still holding resentment.

Mum may not have noticed - although you can't be sure - but you certainly did and that IS important.

You said that this is not the only thing that's awry. Be kind to yourself and let each day happen by itself. If things don't improve then you know what to do but let your emotions settle before making any drastic decisions.

Sending hugs and cuddles 🌸