Behaviour during funeral

[bereavementhrowaway]

My mother died recently (late middle age). My family dynamic is very very difficult and arranging the funeral was hard. I ended up staying in a hotel the night before to avoid the family home, staying with DP.

I went to buy a floral arrangement for my DM last minute and kept it in our hotel room. I put the AC on to 18ish as advised by the florist, to make sure the flowers were fresh in the morning for her casket. DP was ill with a cold and didn't appreciate it.

We had an argument a few days afterwards, and I told him that I hadn't felt supported by him (he had been difficult about food etc., but nothing major, this blew it up). He brought up my awful selfishness in using the AC.

We've made up, but I don't feel like I've gone back to normal. It's hard not to feel like he doesn't care for me or have much empathy. It's not just this, but this is the main thing sticking in my head.

AIBU?

Another thing that upset me was that I sent him some recordings of conversations with family immediately after her death (I know that sounds awful but I was concerned about foul play and just wanted to share the BS I had to deal with, and other OK family member was doing the same thing) and he refused to listen, said he knew would just be my stupid family saying the same stuff as always. But it was about my Mum, and her dignity, and I wanted to share the burden with him.

I am so so sorry for your loss OP.
I'm going to go against the grain here - YOU should have been the priority, and your DH should have sucked it up, even if you were doing something totally weird and unreasonable. Why? because it was the night before you buried the one who brought you to Earth and the rest of your family suck and give you sod all support. He should have put on jumper, sucked it up, and then giggled about it in 3 years time when you are feeling stronger 'one love, remember when you froze my bollocks off to save your flowers?' Not sulked like a baby.
I say this as a recently bereaved person - yes we do weird things. And we want support, not people who are close to us thinking about themselves.
Take care of yourself. Remember, your grief circle may not include those you expect - it doesn't have to be your biological family helping your through this. It isn0t for me neither.

That's what I wanted tbh and what I would do for him - but I can see from other people's replies that this is an ideal not something to be expected.

@bereavementhrowaway grief is not rational. Grief makes you do silly things. And let's be honest, you lovely flower arrangement was the last thing you could do for your lovely Mum. And your husband was banging on about himself? Sorry, pal, but you will have the rest of your life where you can be the priority. That last act was all about your mum. You felt you needed to keep the flowers cool so that they would look their absolute best. So that is what should have happened. Sorry, but he behaved like an absolute knob.
I am 7 months on, and it is still painful.

Similar example, I remember I was 'tasked' with cooking for everyone when my beloved gran died. I made an effort, making healthy, and decent food as that is what she used to do, and it also gave me focus. And I knew we would fee even worse if we just survived on crap. I got grumbling about 'I was taking too long/just throw a pizza in the oven'. Yes it still hurts.

I hope you are getting some support. It sucks when your family don't live up to standards in your darkest times. I have found solace in a few very decent people who are standing by me. All the best to you OP.

@Mariposista Thank you. I wanted to do my best for her as you did for your granny. Why do other people think we are being awful though? I'm sorry for your loss x

I imagine the reason this is a recurring thought for you is because it was never really about the flowers. It's that you were sad and wanted to do something for your mum and try your best to ease the pain of her death just a bit by making you feel you'd done right by her. If my partner had used this as an example of selfishness in the way yours has I don't think I could ever forgive him. It's deeply unpleasant behaviour by him. Who cares whether it was right or wrong to have the AC on when he had a cold, it's clearly wrong of him to be harping on about it given what you were going through.

This made me cry so I think you've managed to articulate better than I did. I feel very guilty about my mother's last few months.

He sounds awful. The flowers are the least if it. I think you should dump him and vow never to accept treatment like that again.

I think he was unreasonable , but i also think this issue sounds like one of a few things that he is /was unreasonable about .
He doesn't sound like a loving supportive man and i think after this i would be considering my future with him.
I'm sorry about your mom.

@bereavementhrowaway because they are selfish. Or because they ‘don’t want to get involved’ in grief, it’s far too uncomfortable. Oh I have plenty of arsehole behaviour stories. If you want to PM, no problem at all. You will have support from me. I hope I never meet your husband though - I try to be a good Christian and forgive most things but I would find it very hard to get over that for a good few months until the raw emotion wears off a bit.

FWIW and hindsight is a great thing, I’d have been tempted to go to reception, book another room for me and the flowers, charge it to his credit card and leave him to wallow in his sniffle.

I feel very confused about whether or not I've been an arsehole.

@bereavementhrowaway

let me help you out then!

YOU have not been an arse At All.

I'm very very sorry to hear about your Mum. 🌷

Her death & her funeral sound very complicated. Families can be very difficult

I hate to say this when you're already in so much pain, but your DP sounds like a total ARSE. Immature, thoughtless, uncaring and just a twat.

you deserve someone MUCH nicer.

He's not supporting you, he's bringing you down & you deserve better!!

(((Big hugs))) you're worth much more than him!!

You're not the arsehole in your relationship.

@OhwhyOY @bereavementhrowaway this one gets it!

My exH didn't support me either when my mother died. I don't think I've ever felt so alone. It was just another example of his appalling behaviour towards me. Sulking, not speaking to me for days, gaslighting, etc, etc.

It was a wake up call for me and I started to rebuild myself. He didn't like that at all. We separated in 2017. It was a relief.

Listen to what he is telling you with his behaviour. You deserve someone who can help you through the bad times and share your joy in the good times. I think you know this man is not that person.

Yes, I don’t know what the first responders were thinking about- but you were not the arsehole here.

I’m sorry that shit stuff happens when you’re already dealing with other shit stuff.

He’s supposed to be helping it making life worse.

Sending hugs 💙

And to be 100% clear you are not the problem here, he is. If he had pneumonia maybe he would have some kind of case. As it is, he is the ahole not you.