DP and weight/food

[Lonny1985]

My DP and I are both prone to weight gain through over eating. Both grew up relatively poor and taught to finish your food. Now we have access to endless food we stress and comfort eat. DP is much taller than me so can carry weight better than me. Last year I lost 2st and he lost 3st we did it together to go to a big event. We both felt great. Then he kind of talked me into binning off the diet and we went back to our old ways and I gained back even more weight. This year I said I was going to lose around 4-5 stone and get fit and healthy.

all of our parents have various avoidable conditions at relatively young ages. He admits he doesn’t want to end up like his parents and knows he needs to make changes. We aren’t getting younger.

I’ve lost nearly 3st this time but he has lost none and gained more. He also is not helpful to my dietary choices - he will say he wants to be supportive but then buy or cook something ‘nice’ which is high calorie and then he watches me get stressed about how I am going to fit this in to my daily calorie intake, struggle to turn it down or find something else to eat then he feels bad. He will get fast food and I will say no thanks then he will keep offering it to me!

He thinks I am taking the fun out of eating and I look good now so should just relax however I am still clinically overweight by at least 1.5 stones before I am nearer a healthy BMI so I have a way to go yet and I am short so this is taking more strain on my joints.

I know he fancies me at any weight (although his exwife is absolutely tiny skinny but this is not my motivation) and I still fancy him at any weight, but tbh sex is harder when he’s overweight. He has a big belly and missionary is hard as he can squash me a bit and he gets all out of breath and tires easily. He always had a bad back and feels tired and I am sure the weight and his diet isn’t helping. He keeps saying ok I am going to do this with you but then comes home with a giant dessert or makes food for 5 people not 2! I do take control sometimes and make and buy the food but I am not sure how else to tackle this for either of us! I know he has to want to lose weight and not do it for me, but I don’t want him to keep sabotaging me. I also worry about his health as he is mixed heritage and at high risk of diabetes.

Does anyone have any helpful advice?

So he is morbidly obese with a bad back, eeww. I don't think your partner truly loves or respects you, hear me out. He sabotaged your efforts to be healthy and better yourself. He wants you to fail which he proves time and time again. He watches you struggle and get upset but carries on 'getting desserts'. He steam rolls your decision, doesn't give a fuck about you. I think you have a big fat problem, your husband. Oh and well done on losing 3 stone

Not sure it’s ewww, he doesn’t actually have a morbidly obese high BMI as he’s so tall it is well under 40. His weight is all in one area mine is all over my entire body. My BMI was far higher than his however I am not in a high risk genetically predisposed category. I don’t think he is being cruel to me just thoughtless? My struggle with willpower is my issue to overcome - see food and eat it - it’s just not helpful

He makes active efforts for you to fail. Repeatedly. I can understand why you getting defensive tho. I had a girl at work who was trying to loose weight, really trying. There were just 2 of us in the office. Every day I would bring salad for lunch or some fruit for us to share. I wasn't dieting but supported her. Your husband is selfish

I dont think it's cruelty, but it is thoughtless. Try and have a chat about how important it is to you. He sounds defensive though, so clearly is upset/panicking about having food as his crutch taken away. Might be worth investigating why that is?

He’s deliberately putting out a metaphorical stick and tripping you up. Repeatedly.

He sounds like a person with a drink problem who only wants to hang around with other people with a drink problem because it makes him feel normal.

You’re not good company any more in the over eating rituals.

Tell him to stop sabotaging you. Just be blunt. Remind him of your goal and tell him you’d appreciate his support. If he wants to eat unhealthy desserts then ask him to do it in another room, or when he’s eating make yourself something more healthy like Greek yogurt and fruit. Lead by example I guess.
You’re right that he has to want to change for himself, so don’t try to force it on him. Maybe just make positive comments about how good you’re feeling now you have lost weight etc. Seeing your confidence may inspire him to also take his food intake more seriously. I think he’ll keep buying the unhealthy stuff if you keep giving in and eating it with him. Show him that you’re serious about your own weight loss journey.
If he makes food for 5 people could you say Thanks for making enough for leftover for lunch tomorrow and then pop a portion or two in a Tupperware before you start eating? That’ll help both of you have better portion control for that meal.

So he is morbidly obese with a bad back, eeww.

How spectacularly unhelpful and unpleasant of you.

OP the best thing you can do is disconnect your weightloss/healthier moves from your husbands. Your progress doesn't depend on his and you are totally allowed to separate your meals and keep your head in the game to achieve your own goals. Don't feel bad about saying no to him or not eating his food, it's food, not a proposal.

He will either watch you crack on and get him self together and start making better choices too, or carry on as he is, and then you need to make the choice/decisions about whether you're happy to stay in the relationship or not.

You don't need his validation for your own goals.

Have you read the post genius? Clearly her progress depends on him, it's been proved times and times again. OP described her husband fat belly squishing her during missionary which is utterly disgusting, so quit clutching your pearls.

You can't do anything,it has to come from him. Just carry on doing what you are doing and eating well. If he cooks something you can't eat then just make yourself something you can, don't discuss it or make a big deal about it. Well done, keep going!

@PierceMorgansChin I don’t really know what you are trying to achieve but I can understand you find my description gross, however I am no oil painting myself and have a fat wobbly ass and saggy mum tum and boobs so I’m not really into body shaming him in this way that it’s disgusting, it isn’t. Factually he does have a big belly and now he is significantly heavier than me I find this sexual position uncomfortable and he tires fast so we avoid it. This still isn’t enough to motivate him to lose weight though.

I really struggle with my willpower although he has it a lot worse than me, he has zero willpower so it’s like the blind leading the blind tbh. I am prepared to sacrifice the enjoyment of food to an occasional treat whereas he can’t, and he eats huge portions. Deep down I know he does want to gain control of it though and it bothers him more than he lets on.

Food addiction type things suck. I would say both of us are binge eaters

I mean fair enough, if you find him attractive it's all that matters

@PierceMorgansChin yes I mean my point of my post wasn’t that I don’t fancy him. He has very nice athletic legs, he has a lovely smile, he is quite strong, however he is carrying around a load of weight that is hurting his back and I worry about his health. I worry about my own health as I get older not really what I look like. Going by our parents I don’t want a hip replacement at 50 odd that could have been avoided through weight control, I don’t want to have to take lots of tablets every day and don’t want to get out of breath walking up stairs. Food addiction absolutely ruins lives so I am worried about the long term. Even if I get this weight off now I worry it won’t stay off as I will keep slipping back. At the same time I have been in relationships with people who constantly nagged me about my weight and this was bad for my self esteem and made me feel awful. I don’t want to do that.

I did suggest he just eats less in a portion - if I make too much and put it in the fridge for leftovers tomorrow he will eat it before the end of the day. I only buy what I am going to make in the next day or 2. He will just buy so much excess food we don’t need. If I suggest having a healthy hearty soup for lunch, he will go get bread and eat like half a loaf with butter. Then he hungry again in 2 hours.

He shouldn't be trying to tempt you with that stuff all the time. Maybe a bit sometimes as part of your calorie budget, but not this amount if it'll sabotage your efforts.

I would say to him to not have this stuff brought into the house. You can still have it if you go out, but it won't be as accessible.

It'll be good for him, too, not just you.

I mean, you can't make him not get it, but you can try and tell him what would be best/sensible. And he knows really.

Other than that you can only resist if he still insists on bringing it in. Leave the room. Throw away any extra after he's eaten what he wants out of it. Have lots of low cal fruit and veg around so you have something to munch while he's eating it.

Maybe try changing the language you use with him so that he gets the message in a clearer way. Things like -

"Please don't sabotage my resolve to eat more healthily and keep my weight at a healthy level."

"You know I have food addiction issues. It's hard enough so why are you deliberately trying to make it harder?"

"Why do you keep trying to sabotage my efforts to eat better?"

"If you want to eat crap, that's up to you, but I don't so please stop making this so difficult."

By using words like food addiction and changing bad habits, he will have to get the message about the reality of your healthy eating journey. And well done to you! It's really hard but it's worth it.

You need to refuse ALL of the unhealthy shit he brings in until he gets the message. If you give in some of the time he'll be encouraged to keep sabotaging your efforts.

I have spoken to him and I think he views food as so comforting he likes to share it with me, he uses food to express love, he is a good imaginative cook but it’s OTT.

He has no impulse control he bought me something recently as a ‘nice treat’, he went into a shop to buy me a yoghurt that I asked for and came back with something HUGE from the yellow label/discount aisle that was about 5,000 calories and then he ate all of it over 2 days. I did not eat any of it that time. I don’t always eat the stuff but when I do I feel anxious and out of control

It's hard to lose weight so when he is finding it hard or is lacking will power he wants you to eat with him so that he doesn't feel bad about himself.
I have a similar issue. My dh is overweight and has a large stomach. I'm not overweight but I do watch what I eat and try to look after my body. I know it bothers dh that I don't 'give in' and that I am skinny while he eats big portions and seconds. I have a sweet tooth and he doesn't. When he is feeling insecure he will go out and buy me sweets and chocolates. While this is a nice gesture I feel it's based on him not wanting to be overweight alone or be the overweight one in a relationship next to the one who isn't.
In your case it is sabotage. He is finding it hard to lose weight and be healthy so feels bad and wants you to be the same.

All you can do op is be firm with him that he must not buy you food and you will cook for yourself. Just ignore his attempts to make you hungry and if you slip up don't beat yourself up just go back to being healthy straight away. Eat separately and don't ask him to go to the shops for you. If you are your finding will power is challenged if he has 'treats' in you need walk away from the food into a different room and place something else in front of it in the fridge. Show him he won't bring you to his level just because he feels rubbish about himself.

Also get counselling about your feelings around food. Feeling out of control because you eat something is not good. The psychological side from childhood is really powerful. I understand that because I have lived with an eating disorder my entire life. I need to get counselling myself.

My friend needs treats to keep weight on for his health. He keeps them in a large locked box he has the key for, so I don't munch loads of them while I'm there. That's another thing you could do to at least stop you ending up eating these things if they're in the house (I appreciate this doesn't stop the problem of him offering/trying to tempt you with them.)

@PierceMorgansChin have you quite finished?

@Sheselectric22 I have disordered eating but there is just no help or support for this in the binge/over eating category. I paid to go see someone privately but she turned out to be very anti weight loss and was more about fat acceptance which isn’t what I was looking for. It’s ok to not want to be fat for health reasons. I wanted help about my feelings towards food. I also have been to the NHS type health advice services where someone calls you and talks about how to lose weight healthily but they don’t address underlying issues. I have yo-yo dieted for years and lost loads then gained it all back. I don’t want to diet I want to change how I view food forever. I am ok with eating treats but I feel anxious as I tend to lose track of what I am eating when I am with DP rather than feeling in control of it. I’m still trying to lose weight so what is happening is I am spending all week trying to compensate for what happened on the weekend and not being in a calorie deficit so it’s creating an unhealthy balance, I need to focus on eating what I want to eat 7 days a week not keep taking 2-3 days off to eat with DP.

I have bad emotional ties to food. My abusive dad would force me to finish my plate of food even if food was cold and revolting we would sit for hours. They also hid all the nice food from us so we would secretly raid it and binge on it. I’d never had a takeaway until I left home and never tried things like salmon, any non traditionally English foods (basically just grew up on freezer foods) so I was scared of a lot of foods as a young adult and lived on crisps, chocolate, chips and bread. I now eat a healthy balanced diet and feel better.

I think it is right DP is too far into his food addiction at the moment and wants company. I need to be strong! I will absolutely help him when he is ready but I am not going to let him pull me down. I left an event yesterday early as I was constantly picking at the food and thought it was best to walk away from it

@Lonny1985

I have bad emotional ties to food. My abusive dad would force me to finish my plate of food even if food was cold and revolting we would sit for hours. They also hid all the nice food from us so we would secretly raid it and binge on it. I’d never had a takeaway until I left home and never tried things like salmon, any non traditionally English foods (basically just grew up on freezer foods) so I was scared of a lot of foods as a young adult and lived on crisps, chocolate, chips and bread. I now eat a healthy balanced diet and feel better.

Does your partner know this OP? If he does maybe remind him and let him know how hard the process of being nutritionally healthy is for you and that you could do with his support, rather than him putting temptation in your way. 🌹

You said he managed to lose weight with you previously - what was different then, do you think? It sounds like there was a specific event / goal - was that the motivator for him?

Maybe he needs help to tackle this from a counsellor or something as disordered eating, rather than treating it as a will-power issue? If he's comfort/stress eating then dieting doesn't really work without finding other strategies for managing the emotions.