DP and weight/food

[Lonny1985]

My DP and I are both prone to weight gain through over eating. Both grew up relatively poor and taught to finish your food. Now we have access to endless food we stress and comfort eat. DP is much taller than me so can carry weight better than me. Last year I lost 2st and he lost 3st we did it together to go to a big event. We both felt great. Then he kind of talked me into binning off the diet and we went back to our old ways and I gained back even more weight. This year I said I was going to lose around 4-5 stone and get fit and healthy.

all of our parents have various avoidable conditions at relatively young ages. He admits he doesn’t want to end up like his parents and knows he needs to make changes. We aren’t getting younger.

I’ve lost nearly 3st this time but he has lost none and gained more. He also is not helpful to my dietary choices - he will say he wants to be supportive but then buy or cook something ‘nice’ which is high calorie and then he watches me get stressed about how I am going to fit this in to my daily calorie intake, struggle to turn it down or find something else to eat then he feels bad. He will get fast food and I will say no thanks then he will keep offering it to me!

He thinks I am taking the fun out of eating and I look good now so should just relax however I am still clinically overweight by at least 1.5 stones before I am nearer a healthy BMI so I have a way to go yet and I am short so this is taking more strain on my joints.

I know he fancies me at any weight (although his exwife is absolutely tiny skinny but this is not my motivation) and I still fancy him at any weight, but tbh sex is harder when he’s overweight. He has a big belly and missionary is hard as he can squash me a bit and he gets all out of breath and tires easily. He always had a bad back and feels tired and I am sure the weight and his diet isn’t helping. He keeps saying ok I am going to do this with you but then comes home with a giant dessert or makes food for 5 people not 2! I do take control sometimes and make and buy the food but I am not sure how else to tackle this for either of us! I know he has to want to lose weight and not do it for me, but I don’t want him to keep sabotaging me. I also worry about his health as he is mixed heritage and at high risk of diabetes.

Does anyone have any helpful advice?

Cross-posted

He will get fast food and I will say no thanks then he will keep offering it to me!

^This. I don’t like this.

Is he taking the piss? It’s one thing to overeat yourself but to deliberately try to sabotage others’ efforts to be healthier is very dubious. What’s his reasoning? Have you challenged him? Why don’t you get angry with him OP? Maybe you are too nice?

When I challenge him he says he feels bad and is sorry. Tbh his parents are like this with food. There is always too much. They also push it on you

He lost weight to go to an event yes.

Sounds very much like he is trying to repeat the family enmeshment of his parent’s family relationships. Saying he feels “bad” may also be a way of avoiding responsibility for these sabotaging actions towards you, unless he actually stops them. I think you are simply going to have to totally assert your self and your individuality in order to avoid being dragged under.

Think I’m the medium to long term he needs to address his attitude to food and what it represents for him, however, as a short term fix could you get him on board with some kind of new ‘goal’ you can both work towards if that motivates him?

My abusive dad would force me to finish my plate of food even if food was cold and revolting we would sit for hours

And your husband is far more subtle about it. He disguises it as being 'nice food' and 'a treat for you'.

It's still a man trying to control what you eat, just one wanted you miserable and eating crap and one wants you, well, eating crap and not being happy enough to prioritise your health and wellbeing.

I think therapy would be helpful

I'm sorry to hear there is no proper support in your area @Lonny1985. There is in my area. Maybe because of the population. I know this because I have referred people to it recently. The nhs really need to invest in this everywhere. Anyway good luck and keep pushing on.

Agree with @NeverDropYourMooncup - keep prioritising your health and wellbeing OP. Putting yourself first can, I believe, pay great dividends in the end.

Perhaps I am naive but the way I feel is that he had a complete polar opposite childhood to me and this is one issue. His childhood was poor but full of love and food was a love language. Everyone came together to eat and enjoy so he has warm feelings and positive experiences about food. They didn’t eat posh food but they never went hungry. Culturally this is also one side. He likes mealtimes and the shared experience. He has issues with portion control but I don’t think he would eat in secret like I have done. He relaxes with food and consumes way too much with no realistic view of how much.

We don’t live together sorry if I did not explain this we have our own homes and spend some of the week together in each others houses.

I can view food as a negative experience almost like a torture and feel guilty and ashamed after over indulging in treats. I am not able to relax around food as easily. I have not brought my kids up like this though I am careful. I always make them good food, don’t have too much junk crap in the cupboards and don’t eat out too much. My DC don’t have a weight problem so far. His kids don’t have weight problems but he offers them an enormous variety of options and will do things like put down a huge pasta dish on the table then straight away put down a huge portion of garlic bread and also add in chocolate milk as a drink and the kids will eat all the bread and chocolate milk and eat none of the main meal so he eats it all. Then he will give them ice cream. My kids get water with their meal and get fruit or a yoghurt for dessert. I give them nice things like ice cream when they have done well at school or something. If I make food for his kids I will make them something more child manageable with less carby bulk and they get water at the table and fruit/yoghurt. They eat at McDonalds a lot but I don’t.

He doesn’t give me massive portions now and he does try to cook things that he knows I will want to eat, it often goes wrong with desserts and eating out. Last time we went on a romantic dinner date he ordered an absolutely enormous burger and then kept saying sorry to me, because I had fish and veg, so I know he seems to feel bad for me for some reason?

My willpower is my own problem not his and shouldn’t depend on him at all. I just wish he wasn’t as though less I am not sure he does really understand this is important to me. I am learning about what foods are good for me as fuel and then will indulge in some limited treats but I think he views this as a sad way to live and it’s not fun. I really don’t mind what he chooses to eat himself although I would like it if he lost weight for himself

@Sheselectric22 any advice? I am not sure where to look. I live in the East of England

Piers M is an appropriate user name. 🙄

He obviously has quite a few issues around food OP. So I would tell him what you’ve said here - be clear it can’t carry on, but that you understand it’s a coping mechanism for him (it likely is, very unlikely he’s trying to mess up your health, he’s just in denial.)

Some counselling would be a good idea, or Overcoming Overeating by Christopher Fairburn is the standard text for binge eating. If he wants some one to one support then BEAT the eating disorder charity has resources on their website

I understand what you're saying about expressing love with food, my family are similar. Fortunately it's more healthy food than junk but there is something very primal about nourishing someone you love. Could you ask him to express his love by cooking something really delicious and healthy that will feed your body and soul? If he makes a delicious soup it doesn't matter how much he makes - it's hard to get fat eating soup. If he chooses to have bread with his so be it, you don't need to join in.

Maybe also remind him how good it felt to be in shape at the event and how good it would be to feel the same. Could you book a holiday to motivate you both?

Well done by the way. It's not easy to lose weight at the best of times and to do it while being actively sabotaged is testament to your determination and willpower, even though you're not describing yourself that way.

@LadyChilli thank you. I do appreciate your advice. I was doing well and DP wasn’t sabotaging until more recently so I think he thinks I look fine now and should stop trying and just relax. I feel stressed every Sunday/Monday as I feel like I over ate for 2-3 days so now what I find myself doing is restricting calorie intake during the week to compensate. I’m still in the binge and restrict behavioural pattern I want to break free from 🙁. I tried adding up on a calorie counter what I ate when I am with him but it’s chaotic I can’t keep track. Now I don’t feel like going to the gym as I’m a bit miserable and that’s not helping at all. I’m losing motivation!

New plan is to be strong and stick to my own plan. I would eat soup, fruit, fish and veg every day I like it so I’m going to put a stop to his interference

But he's not being 'thoughtless' unless he has the memory of a goldfish! He knows you're on a diet. He's sabotaging it so you put on weight and go back to being fat and stop making him feel bad!

Well done on your weight loss!

You need to tell him straight to STOP SABOTAGING YOU. That's what he's doing.

Would he be up for doing something like slimming world together? It's quite good at helping you understand your underlying issues with food and working through them. If he wants to enjoy food together, could make healthy versions of the food you like, or get a healthy meal box delivery? I think the biggest thing is getting your head out of the idea that you can't enjoy food if it's healthy. You definitely can. It just takes more effort snd getting used to.