Are you emotionally unavailable? Help me understand DH please.

[Mychai]

Firstly, can I start by saying DH is a good man. He works very, very hard and I don't need to Work if I really didn't want to. I work Part-time because I love my Job and love being around People.
We've been together 15 Years, 2 DDs.
I think DH is emotionally unavailable, he's admitted so himself numerous times and it is the biggest issue in our relationship. Whenever we face problems he genuinely cannot make any attachment to the emotional side, if he could physically fix or buy something to solve a problem he would do every single time.
His Family are all exactly the same, there's no hugging, closeness or affection - I don't think any of them have ever asked how we are (or each other for that matter).
I wouldn't consider myself an overall emotional person, but there are occasional times I can get upset or sad and I wish more than anything I could talk to him, even if he isn't the issue.
I've tried for years but when I do he honestly struggles how to hold the conversation or comfort Me, he's not nasty, or mean just awkward and stiff if that makes sense!
Small example, we watched a film lastnight and there was a very upsetting scene which touched a nerve about my own traumatic childhood (Alcoholic DF) I had a little cry, he was sitting next to Me and I could see he was struggling to know what to do when all I wanted was a hug and a little comfort. He asked eventually "would you like a cuddle?" Cue quick awkward squeeze in complete silence.
I'm waffling now but does anyone else know somebody with similar traits? Or does this sound like you? I know he would like to connect more emotionally but genuinely doesn't know how to, I'd love to help him which I know in turn would help our relationship immensely!

My DH is similar in many ways. I don't think I have ever seen him spontaneously hug anyone. I try to think of the other ways he shows his love. For example, I never have to buy my own train tickets - he sorts it for me. He regularly scrapes my windscreen in the winter, as he leaves for work before me.

I look for performative emotional support from my adult DD, and from friends whose husbands are similar. I try to accept him as he is because we've been together for 23 years, and I can't see him changing. Also, it's really just who he is, and not a reflection on me.

You answered the question: His Family are all exactly the same, there's no hugging, closeness or affection

You have to learn the language of emotions.

I know he would like to connect more emotionally but genuinely doesn't know how to He can read up on the topic and see whether any of it makes sense to him.

Oh he recognised that you needed something and even though it doesn’t come naturally he initiated it. I think that’s really sweet of him, he clearly cares and wants to try even if it’s not his default.

This OP.
My ex was really emotionally unavailable. He wouldn't even think i needed comfort as in cuddle hug if i was upset. He had severe issues but steamed under the surface. I noticed when anything on tv that was emotional or in close proximity to our relationship(eg christmas with the coopers )he would leave the room. I think some people cant cope with emotions and don't want to address them. Its promising that he eventually picked up the cue when you cried, i was abused as a kid...dad alcoholic, if i cried he would just avoid me or go for a cig

Thanks for the comments so far, maybe my use of emotionally unavailable was incorrect - but that was the closest term I found to compare when googling! It's a tough one because he does do so many practical things that show he cares, I have no doubt he loves Me and our DDs more than anything. Sometimes it just feels a little lonely, I would just love us both to be able to open up more emotionally but I can't see it ever happening which if I'm being honest, makes me sad!

One of my DSs do this, he is Autistic, he doesn't connect the physical feelings in his body with his emotions and finds them really overwhelming. He'll happily watch a dinosaur chomp on someone, but a scene with uncomfortable emotions and he runs out of the room. He's only little though. My other two DC also Autistic don't have this disconnect from their emotions and in OPs case the disconnect is probably from the way he was bought up, but I think for some people it can be a faceat of Autism.

In terms of what helps DS psychologist is working with him, to try and identify the feelings in his body and the various emotions, it's a long process with a child. I try and verbally identify how I'm feeling (if appropriate to share) or say things like I can see you feel xxx, though obviously as this is my young child I don't seek support from them so that's a different issue, but verbally labelling how you're feeling and what you need might help. It's promising that he's trying to work things out.

My ex wasnt autistic (my grandson and daughter are under autistic umbrella)...ex was just an arse 🤣.

He saw you were upset, realised why, knew what would help you, asked your permission/let you knew he had seen it and understood and gave it to you.

What exactly out of that is him failing to recognise and respond to your needs? It's hardly on a par with the emotional availability of a pissed up parent who doesn't give a shit about anything or anyone beyond where their next can of Tennants Extra is coming from.

Sitting next to him on the sofa crying, WAITING for him to give you a hug.. why? You are allowed to say "I need a hug" and hug him?

Honestly I agree with PP it sounds like he does want to try and does love you. So can you meet him halfway? Use your words to describe what you would like him to do. "I don't want you to fix this or suggest a solution, I just want you to hug me and that will help me feel better" and then hug him.

I'm going to let you into the tip that has gone the world of good for DH and I.

When one of us (usually me) is about to have a rant or a moan then preface it with the statement "I don't want solutions, I want sympathy/a hug/a cup of tea"

If the rant isn't prefaced with that statement then the first question asked by the other person is "do you want solutions or sympathy?" and respond accordingly.

Honestly, it has helped us no end. DH is a very practical man, he's GOOD at solutions, he's not good at reading emotions. To him, fixing my problem is the best way he can help.

My entire family. My mother has never touched me other than minimally as a child to feed and dress me and can't look me in the eye. She touched my hand once and we both leapt back as if we had been electrocuted.
My marriage didn't work because he was always so touvhy feely I couldn't stand it.
I'm very different with my own DS I always hug and kiss him. But I don't like being touched by other adults it makes me cringe. I dont know what the answer is but it's horrible being like this.

Would he have talking therapy?

Your DH is not the only person like this. I would say it is pretty endemic. We, these more recent generations, are the first group of people even having awareness of emotions and how they contribute to connection and disconnection. It is difficult though because although human connection benefits from a certain level of emotional awareness but at the same time long before there was emotional awareness there was good connection.

Is he interested in learning about it do you think? My own DH would have been pretty poor but he improved over the last few years through reading about it and parenting courses for our children with SN.

Sorry should have clarified, I was more commenting on that behaviour, not specifically your Ex and that was one possible explanation for feeling uncomfortable with emotion. Not specifically Autism, but issues with interception which some Autistic people experience. Then my words ran away with me because that's what happens when I'm exhausted 😁. I think my Ex is just an arse too, though it's been suggested he's Autistic I'm 99.99% sure he behaves that way because he's a jerk, not because he's struggling to understand or overwhelmed, like my DS is, ex just doesn't GAF about what I'm feeling unless he can turn it against me.

I understand 😊. Xxx

You want to help him, but does he want help? Why do you think he needs help? Because he doesn't do things in the way you want him to?

You're expecting him to do things your way; are you making an effort to do things his way? Have you actually asked him what 'his way' would be, if one of you was upset?

This is a communication problem, and you both have a part in it and a responsibility for finding a solution. Have you sat down with him and said 'When this happens, I feel xyz. Can we work something out, so that I don't keep feeling like that?' Why are you not telling him you'd like a cuddle? If you don't like the idea of telling him, what is it that you don't like about it? What would be the undesired result?

I think he is emotionally available, but not in a way that you 'get'. He's absolutely open to being there for you emotionally.

What you're saying is essentially the same as saying 'My husband can't speak any sense', when he's actually speaking very eloquently, but in a language you don't understand. That's not a 'problem he needs help with', it's a relationship issue that you both need to work on, if you both want to be happy.

Stop putting the blame on him. Blame looks backwards, and doesn't solve problems. See it through the eyes of responsibility, which looks forwards at how you will both sort this out, together, without finger pointing.

@Gettingbysomehow I am exactly the same as you. I hug my son who is 25 but I'm just not 'huggy' -

This has helped us too. My DH was brought up in a family which was emotionally austere, so it's taken him a while to feel comfortable with more outward signs of emotion (any kind, positive or negative). He's much happier now though.

I think part of being a couple is trying to meet each other’s needs. OP needs physical contact when she’s upset. That’s ok.
She’s not inflicting cuddles on him when she thinks he’s upset. That’s not ok.

As he clearly wants to support you and meet your needs, you just need to be really explicit- preferably at a time when it’s not crucial. Tell him when you’re sad you get real comfort from being able to lean in to him and feel his warmth and strength. If he knows all you need is for him to let you lean in and feel your presence, he’ll worry less about ’doing it wrong’.
Practice when everything is ok and show him what feels comforting for you. Show him that he doesn’t have to say the right words or rub your back in a particular way. Just be solid and dependable in a physical way, just as he is in a practical way.

From your example, if you want a hug from him, ask for a hug from him.

You say he's not emotionally available, but it doesn't sound like you're communicating your needs with him either.

I agree with pp, think about how he does show you love, look up love languages?
it sounds like you need physical touch so he tries to meet that even though that isn’t his natural language, which is good.
maybe his is gifts, or acts of service or something.
this made a huge difference in my marriage, I wondered why he rarely told me how amazing I am 😂because I like words of affirmation, and I’m always saying nice things to him, but then I realised all the things he does that show me how he feels instead. Now he makes an effort to remember to say some nice things as well, and I make an effort to do things for him.

This exactly.

OP my dh is exactly the same, I mean I can talk to him but his answers are nearly always offering a problem solving or practical solution (which is helpful) but sometimes I literally just want a hug, so I get you.

I have learnt his was of expressing his emotions and it’s through little gestures which actually really mean a lot to me and I now cherish those little moments. Like if he’s upset me, he will often go to the shop and get me my favourite coffee and chocolate or something like that and I now really look forward to that. It’s just understanding each others types of communication. It is hard though

The theory of dismissive avoidant under attachment theory might be worth looking at to get an idea of the psychology behind it