Are you emotionally unavailable? Help me understand DH please.

[Mychai]

Firstly, can I start by saying DH is a good man. He works very, very hard and I don't need to Work if I really didn't want to. I work Part-time because I love my Job and love being around People.
We've been together 15 Years, 2 DDs.
I think DH is emotionally unavailable, he's admitted so himself numerous times and it is the biggest issue in our relationship. Whenever we face problems he genuinely cannot make any attachment to the emotional side, if he could physically fix or buy something to solve a problem he would do every single time.
His Family are all exactly the same, there's no hugging, closeness or affection - I don't think any of them have ever asked how we are (or each other for that matter).
I wouldn't consider myself an overall emotional person, but there are occasional times I can get upset or sad and I wish more than anything I could talk to him, even if he isn't the issue.
I've tried for years but when I do he honestly struggles how to hold the conversation or comfort Me, he's not nasty, or mean just awkward and stiff if that makes sense!
Small example, we watched a film lastnight and there was a very upsetting scene which touched a nerve about my own traumatic childhood (Alcoholic DF) I had a little cry, he was sitting next to Me and I could see he was struggling to know what to do when all I wanted was a hug and a little comfort. He asked eventually "would you like a cuddle?" Cue quick awkward squeeze in complete silence.
I'm waffling now but does anyone else know somebody with similar traits? Or does this sound like you? I know he would like to connect more emotionally but genuinely doesn't know how to, I'd love to help him which I know in turn would help our relationship immensely!

I felt the need to comment on this as a female who is like your DH. I’ve read about it a lot and believe it’s “emotional detachment”. To give you an idea of the things that make me aware it’s a problem (I appreciate some of this will sound awful for somebody who’s not like this):
• I don’t experience any strong emotions, for example simple things like when people say they’re excited or really looking forward to something like a planned holiday, it feels like it’s just a figure of speech to me, I’ve never felt that.
• A close relative died recently and I knew it was sad but I never actually felt sad and didn’t cry.
• There have been many times where my poor partner has opened up to me about his feelings and I just cannot emotionally connect, it takes a real conscious effort to try to think of the right things to say but in those moments I don’t actually feel anything emotionally.
• I completely shut down during confrontation and feel it makes me even more emotionally distant.
There are many more things but I hope this gives an idea. I don’t lack empathy or the ability to know how one should feel in certain situations, it’s as though my brain just cannot connect with my feelings. It’s not intentional but I have been this way for as long as I can remember.
For background, I didn’t have a bad upbringing but I don’t recall ever seeing any affection between my parents, or feeling any affection towards me past being a very young child. Feelings were never and are still never talked about and there have never been any serious conversations at all really within my family. Even today I could never bring myself to open up to them, it feels awkward to me. I do find it slightly easier to open up to my partner and some close friends.
All this to say, I don’t know the solution but I can understand how you must feel as I feel terrible for my partner regularly, but the emotions just are not there. As others have said, I think it’s great that your husband does recognise the right thing to do eventually. It probably just takes him some time to think about it as it’s not something that comes naturally.

@Lou2468 what a helpful post. 🙂

I think I'm a bit like your husband OP. I'm a fixer, DP comes to me upset about something and my brain starts trying to work out how to fix it.

Unfortunately thinking about how to fix the thing takes up all the space in my brain so I struggle with just having an emotionally intelligent conversation about it. Luckily DP is the kind of person who doesn't need much prompting to spill her guts when she's upset, so we kind of work well together. And to me "a hug" is a way to fix "upset", at least in the short term, so physical displays of affection I can do.

On the flip side, I'm not a particularly emotional person, and when I do get upset, I'm not good at displaying that. DP is good at having the conversations, so she'll listen to me while I talk about whats upsetting me, but not realise how upset I am as I'm not really showing it, other than in my words. As a result, if I need a hug, I have to ask for it.

My DP is like this - he is autistic and has alexithymia. He just doesn’t have the language of emotions. He can be sort of trained (and willingly, because it makes us get on better) to know to respond to me being upset with a touch on the arm or a hug but it’s always awkward and not ‘from the heart’. It’s not easy when I’m emotional but he means well.

Someone reminded me today about ‘love languages’.
It might be worth doing the love language quiz, to see where you both sit. When you realise the other person really is oblivious to your loving words and feels unloved because you don’t buy presents, it’s helpful!

@Lou2468 I'm quite like this too. I enjoy things and I look forward to things but I'm not demonstrably very excitable

What did you originally fall for about him? Was he emotionally available when you were first together?

My partner can be similar - he shows his live in so many other ways by doing things for me etc. if I need him to listen to me rant, cuddle me etc - I just tell him and he will.

he’s not a mind reader and we all show love and affection in different ways.

We did the love language quiz and learnt how we give and receive and worked on ways of things improving for us both.

My mum is like this. She’s not a horrible person. She’d do anything practical to help. But completely emotionally devoid. She’s never told me she loves me. Doesn’t hug or kiss. When I broke up with my ex her response was ‘oh nevermind’ when I was sat in floods of tears. I don’t understand it at all. As an adult I try to be much more emotionally available to my kids

I'm a bit like your husband. Is not like we don't care is that we don't respond the same as other people to certain things.
I wouldn't classified it a s emotional unavailable, it is just less emotional and more rational than others.
Emotional unavailable for me will be the person who struggles to show his emotions and/or act against them in some occasions.
I never do that, It just that some stuff never crossed my mind.
I'll try to explain below what I see in this case.
Yes, you were crying, but it was a movie scene. A movie is not your real life is fiction. Your husband is not a mind reader so he did not know the scene was triggering something personal. He just thought you were moved for something and let it go. As you showed you were really upset he reacted. I think his reaction was correct and normal.

Google avoident attachment. It will stem from his childhood. It won’t change unless he has therapy to address it so you will have to read up on how to deal with it and how to ask for what you need.

I can be a bit like your husband. As a woman I've been socialised to care about other people and their emotions. Ive been trained to read the signs and I do try. But I don't like strong emotions and try to avoid them - especially my own.

You need to make your needs clear to him. Ask when you need a hug. Ask when you want him to just listen. He's not a mind reader. If he responds positively to what you ask for, all is not lost. If he treats your emotions as unimportant or silly - then you have a problem.

It sounds like you are emotionally unavailable, not him. You expect him to be a mind reader, to register and automatically have the solution to your every whim, desire, and need. He sounds like he is emotionally open and available. ... but it isn't your ideal.

No one knows the appropriate response, appropriate social ques, how to respond and interact with everyone, to every situation.

He sounds reserved. You sound guarded.

You are a poor communicator as well.

Your behavior tbh is gameish. Remaining silent, waiting on him to verbally ask and offer a possible solution and source of comfort...while he sits wrecking his brain, uncomfortably.

Learn how to express yourself verbally. Learn how to tell of your needs and wants.

Just know that he isn't going to have a solution everytime.

@Mychai

I can relate to your husband, i just knew before even, reading the bit about his family dynamics that there,
that his awkwardness around being expressing intimacy, reflects far back to his childhood,
as it so often does ect,

It's only in the last several years i have realised the word intimacy, means feelings showing affection having a hug ect
i used to confuse that word with sexuality,
and look for love in the wrong places, and ending up abusive relationships and being taking advantage off,

i was brought up in children's homes in various homes at a very young ages,
adopted by a lovely parents and family from a different country trans racial adoption, then watching my lovely mother , dieing young from cancer in mid teens,
it was like hand grenade bomb 💣 being thrown in my family life,

i struggle with expressing feelings cause of hardly Surprising abandonment issues,

I used to wonder what was wrong with why i don't feel it,

I think essentially going through shitty child hood experinces, ( your mind has surival mechanisms to protect you from traumatic situations) coming across as arkward being demonstrative affectionate, or not affectionate ect,
or
just simply coming from a family dynamics background of not expressing feelings like that or being uncomfortable in doing so,

it just doesn't come natural then to someone who has been brought up like that,
it feels allmost weirdly, alien terriority 👽 out of your comfort zone to be affectionate demonstrative as that, If that makes sense,

reading your post is seriously making me realise i need to seek therapy as my childhood has fxcked my head up quite a lot.!

I feel a lot resentment in regards of my birth family who i have met in the past,
that experincing crap childhood experinces as i have struggled a lot with lots of issues that relate to this.

Rereading this, honestly feel that you are demanding he change for you. You already know that he's not an overly emotional and affection person and you're demanding and insisting that he'd become one for you...

Perhaps he's comfortable with who he is. He shouldn't have to be uncomfortable and feel pressured to become something he's genuinely not...for someone other than himself.

Some people are not overall affection people.

He shouldn't even feel pressured to ask if you want a hug, cuddle, etc...

He should be reassured and accepted for who he is.

You knew who you were marrying beforehand.

Sorry but it sounds controlling on your part.

You're basically telling him and giving him messages that he isn't good enough for you...nor your ideal.

Don't pressure him.

Accept how he is, or leave.

Also, your behavior is controlling and abusive..