Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this normal behaviour from MIL

50 replies

lightthefire · 05/11/2023 22:11

I have been married to DH for 12 years, he came into our lives when my children were 9 and 12. He has supported them in every way, they adore him and he them. They are still super close into adulthood.

My MIL/FIL and DH siblings have never had much to do with my kids. Probably seen them about 5 times in the whole time we've been together. She says she can not accept them as part of her family as they are not blood related, therefore not her grandchildren, and I think the rest of the family follow suit for a quiet life.

She also has told DH many times that he can't possibly know what it's like to be a parent as they are not blood related to him so it's not the same.

I have become numb to this narrative as I have heard it so many times. But on a recent catch up she had with DH she said it all again and I just don't get it. How can she not acknowledge them and everything her DS has done to support them and not be proud of that?

OP posts:
Moveoverdarlin · 05/11/2023 22:17

She sounds pissed off (or disappointed) that her DS married someone who already had kids, that’s the long and short of it.

And if she’s only seen them 5 times in 12 years, I can see why she doesn’t regard them as grandchildren.

obje · 05/11/2023 22:26

Not normal behaviour, no. What a bitch

SunflowerTed · 05/11/2023 22:48

Your kids relationship with their stepdad sounds lovely. It’s MIL/fil who are missing out. Yes it’s unusual! I am a stepmother and my stepson is very much accepted and loved in my family

HardcoreLadyType · 05/11/2023 22:51

It’s normal in the sense that it’s not unusual.

It’s sad though - she has missed such a lot by refusing to have a relationship with the family her son chose.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 05/11/2023 22:54

I hope my son gets a lovely step dad like your DH one day! I'd take the awful mil if I had to!

Queucumber · 05/11/2023 22:57

Is your DH an only child?

lottiegarbanzo · 05/11/2023 23:02

She wanted him to have children and feels you've prevented him from doing this.

Her response is extreme and she must have missed out on so much of his and your lives. A real failure to recognise him as a person in his own right, rather than a limb of hers.

AutumnCrow · 05/11/2023 23:12

She said ... She has told DH ...

I would tell DH to stop passing on her crap to you. Who wants to hear that load of weird shit? Why does he feel the need to bring it all to your door?

SultanOfSwing · 05/11/2023 23:32

Not normal and very unpleasant.

porridgeisbae · 06/11/2023 00:31

Why did he tell you that when that would only upset you?

MintJulia · 06/11/2023 00:41

She doesn't feel a connection with them because she doesn't see them as her grand children and hasn't bothered investing time getting to know them.

She sounds bitter that your dh has not given her grandchildren of his own. But he shouldn't keep telling you this stuff.

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 06/11/2023 00:50

Let's be honest though, they're not their grandchildren? They already have paternal grandparents.
I mean, I know if my DD married someone who already had a child, that I'd pay more of an interest than these people do but ultimately I wouldn't treat them as a grandchild, no.
You read allll the time on here "DH has his older DC here this weekend and he's asked me to look after the child but I don't see why I should" followed by loads of posters agreeing. Or agreeing with an OP that they're not unreasonable for taking their biological child out for the day whilst their DH has their older child from a previous relationship with them. Hundreds of posters saying "But you're not a babysitter!" & "He/she is not your child so why should you include them?"

Now the situation is reversed and it's the OP with a child from a previous relationship and posters are calling the stepdad's parents names for not wanting to be pseudo-grandparents to children unrelated to them!

How are the two scenarios any different? So we can refuse to 'babysit' our stepchildren but step-grandparents MUST treat any step children as if if they're related?

TheCatterall · 06/11/2023 00:52

I’d honestly be having fuck all to do with her and her extended family as ‘they aren’t family in my eyes as they aren’t blood related to me’.

no gift buying, no visits, dead to me. I’d cordially greet them with as much enthusiasm as when the jehovahs land on my doorstep as I see them in passing if they visit the DH. Other than that. Nada.

why waste your time with this woman and her opinions. I’d also ask dh not to feed back such conversation and hope that he challenges her thinking and statements..

IdaPrentice · 06/11/2023 00:55

I think there's a difference between quietly feeling that they're not quite the same as blood relatives, and actively complaining to OP's DH about it over and over again across several years. She sounds quite cruel and unpleasant.

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 06/11/2023 00:56

TheCatterall · 06/11/2023 00:52

I’d honestly be having fuck all to do with her and her extended family as ‘they aren’t family in my eyes as they aren’t blood related to me’.

no gift buying, no visits, dead to me. I’d cordially greet them with as much enthusiasm as when the jehovahs land on my doorstep as I see them in passing if they visit the DH. Other than that. Nada.

why waste your time with this woman and her opinions. I’d also ask dh not to feed back such conversation and hope that he challenges her thinking and statements..

So just because their son married someone with kids, they had zero choice but to suddenly become grandparents to a 9 & 12yr old?! Suddenly begin spending money on someone else's children and feigning interest in their lives and if they don't, they get 'shunned' by their own son? Wow

Peachy2005 · 06/11/2023 01:02

Why do you have contact? Or if you don’t, why is he telling you this stuff?

No need for any of this aggro to be in your life. He can meet his family separately.

Thistlelass · 06/11/2023 01:38

I do get the blood connection bit as this is how I feel about my ex husband's wife. She has never given birth yet she is counted as much a grandmother alongside self. I admit I do struggle with that as I think it is quite important for children, at some point, to know their bloodline. I quite like her as a person and she is quite a good friend to me and loves the children very much. So I can somewhat understand your MIL's view and, yes, she likely was hoping he would become a biological father. That is not going to happen and she would have been much better to embrace your family unit and try to derive pleasure from it.

Froooty · 06/11/2023 03:17

Silly old cow. Get DH to tell her how hurtful it is when she says that and how old fashioned and intolerant she sounds. Add in the fact that her view on it doesn't really matter because HE knows he's their dad.

I might be biased bc I'm carrying a donor-created baby and my eldest two have a "dad" exactly the same situation as your DH, that is, he came into their lives when they were 12 and 13 and they are now adults. They adore him and he considers them his children. Everyone else can go jump in the lake.

Froooty · 06/11/2023 03:20

Thistlelass · 06/11/2023 01:38

I do get the blood connection bit as this is how I feel about my ex husband's wife. She has never given birth yet she is counted as much a grandmother alongside self. I admit I do struggle with that as I think it is quite important for children, at some point, to know their bloodline. I quite like her as a person and she is quite a good friend to me and loves the children very much. So I can somewhat understand your MIL's view and, yes, she likely was hoping he would become a biological father. That is not going to happen and she would have been much better to embrace your family unit and try to derive pleasure from it.

Curious though, what's this fascination with a "bloodline"? Do you mean only perfect DNA matches are important for a person's history? I actually share way over 99% of my DNA with you. But I doubt you're very interested in how my dad grew up, which lorries my great uncle drove, or why my great-great-grandmother has a newborn baby buried beside her, or whose it was.

We also share 90% of our DNA with pigs. Best make sure they're in the family tree somewhere I suppose?

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 06/11/2023 03:34

Has he ever said to her "You know what? I love those kids and I cherish my relationship with them. The only one missing out is you, because your attitude has meant that you are rarely invited to things involving the children, and so have never had a chance to get to know them or us as a family unit."

GrumpyOldCrone · 06/11/2023 03:49

Do your children have an ongoing relationship with their father? I’m in a similar situation to you and my children (same ages) have met my DP’s parents two or three times in the 12 years we’ve been together. But my ex is very much a part of their lives - as are his parents. I wouldn’t really expect my DP’s parents to see my children as their grandchildren. Maybe it’s different if your children’s father is abroad or deceased or otherwise out of the picture.

Ikeatears · 06/11/2023 08:28

As an adoptee, a step child, a step parent and a step grandparent, I find some of these comments astounding!
Blood or no blood, families are created in many, many ways. Do I love my son in law like I love my children? Not particularly. He's very different to me but a good person and loves his wife. He's also a wonderful father to my grandchild so he is very much part of my family and and I make a huge effort with him.
My relationship with dsd is different to the one I have with my dc but that's ok.
I love her and she is a huge part of my family. My parents and siblings have always included her in family events because, well, she's my family and I'm theirs so that makes her their family in our eyes. My dsgd sees my parents as her great grandparents. She's family.

My adopted sibling is my best friend in the world. She's family. Her children are my nephews and nieces. Nobody said they couldn't be because we do not share blood.

My mother in law has many grandchildren, some biological, some not. She loves them all. She may quietly have a different feeling for some of them but that's ok. They aren't treated any differently. They're all family.

Thank goodness my family and in laws don't think like some of you. I wouldn't be entitled to any of my extended family, my dc would lose half their family and so would dsd by your logic...

OhComeOnFFS · 06/11/2023 08:30

AutumnCrow · 05/11/2023 23:12

She said ... She has told DH ...

I would tell DH to stop passing on her crap to you. Who wants to hear that load of weird shit? Why does he feel the need to bring it all to your door?

Perhaps because he'd like some support from his wife? Perhaps his mother had upset him?

CuriousGeorge80 · 06/11/2023 08:34

@Ikeatears - fantastic post. Agree 100%.

RedCoffeeCup · 06/11/2023 08:36

Not normal in my family (both my parents and my grandparents had step grandkids as well as blood grandchildren). She's the one missing out though! Try not to let it bother you OP.